Friday, February 26, 2010

The Story of the Bros: A Coontastic Post.










Starting from their humble beginnings as ni**as attending the University of Pennsylvania (who, might I add, didn't even really know each other), the Bros formed in 2009 to create the best blog to ever mention titties and Rosa parks in the same sentence.






It wasn't all bad bitches, rainbows and gumdrops, however, as the humble bloggers had to first learn to connect with each other (no homo) before bringing the product of their collective madness to market. Here is their story as told by one of the bros.



Nappyheaded Bro: I never really knew Bro # 1, but I never really liked him. It sounds kind of unfair, as I never really knew anything about him other than that he hung with some girl who had a ginormous rack & and that he was always wearing a Mets jersey and Kangol. Quite frankly, I thought he was a cornball. Maybe it was the fact that he wore glasses and I always thought of people with glasses as corny. Perhaps it was even the fact that he was under the age of 40 and was wearing a Kangol. That Didn't really sit right with me. I was still wearing throwback Jerseys and 200 dollar Jordans.


Nappyheaded Bro: I don't know about Bro # 3 man...he was always wearing flashy shit and a million golds chains clanking together in obnoxious fashion. I believe he even had a gold grill at one point. I couldn't quit get a read on him...was he from the hood? Or was he just trying really too hard? Either way he seemed a little shady...kinda like the Jamaican dudes at school or the Brooklyn cats. He was always dating the security guards and shit...I was like really? Ivy league University and you're smashing the Spectraguards? I remember one time he had one at a party in uniform. I thought we were getting raided. Lol.


Nappyheaded Bro: I used to rock (no homo) with Bro # 2's roommate since he was from my hometown. Every time I visited him though, the dude was never there, but Bro # 2 was always hanging around doing everything but studying. In waiting for my man (pause) to come back, I would always kick it with Bro #2...drinkin 40's, clowning on chicks...typical freshman ni**a shit. He seemed like a cool cat. I couldn't tell if he was racist tho...he was living in self-segregation town aka the "Black" dorm, was light skinned-ed and I had never seen him with a white girl...back then, of course.


Nappyheaded Bro: Nappyheaded bros #1 and #3 were complete opposites but I hung with them both mainly because we could talk music. Both those ni**as were opinionated and regardless of whether they chose to admit it, they were both hip hop heads. I remember one time my nappyheaded bro was performing at some sort of bohemian Arts Cafe show...only he brought a squad of West Philly hooligans with him. LOL. They got their mics cut off mid sentence after cursing more than Tiger wood's wife during the golf club episode and basically being too black for the University of Penn's Campus. All I remember is chairs, and mics flying, the lights being cut off and everyone running. A window was broken and when cops came, all the non-students were gone. My Nappyheaded bro responded with an emphatic "I ain't see nothing", a supporter of the stop snitching movement since 2001. Gotta respect a man like that.


Despite all of our various shortcomings, few would doubt the fact that we make a good team. In all honesty, NappyheadedBros.com is the brainchild of myself, Show-sho No homo. I could never do it, however, without the help of my brethren and partners in crime. I actually recruited Wja3 and C4 based on the fact that they were the funniest people I knew. Actually, I never even knew WJA3 was funny (other than in his tastes in Tribe called Quest Music..LOL) until I read a facebook post he wrote. This was the original post which inspired me to blog back in the summer of 2009.

48 comments later and a facebook following gained, my boy had laid the foundation for a whirlwind of opinionated and educated ignorance. Thanks Wja3.

WJA3's Thoughts on Black Hair

I really don't know what prompted me to write this, but its a long time coming. If you're offended, then you're probably part of the problem.

1) Women, we don't need for you to point out every other woman with a weave. Most of us men are observant enough to know if a woman has a weave or not at our age (Mid 20s and later). It's gotten pretty easy. If the hair is way past the shoulders, its most likely a weave. We know all of y'all ladies don't have Navajo in your family.





2) Just because you have natural hair, it don't make you any better than a woman with processed hair. There's only 2 types of hair, nice hair and ugly hair. I've seen women with natural hair think just because they have natural hair, they could get away with anything and try to carve a Ferris wheel in their 'fro or some nonsense.



Show: Damn Oprah!

3) Maybe I'm just speaking for myself here, but hair is mainly just a disqualifier, not a qualifier. No man is turning down Beyonce just because she took out her weave. If I meet a nice looking woman who isn't crazy, it doesn't matter to me if she has a perm or dreads. However, if I meet a nice looking woman, but she has the ferris wheel hairdo previously mentioned, I'm going to assume she's crazy even if she doesn't immediately showcase crazy qualities. The same goes for a woman with camel hair going all the way to her butt.




4) Women with natural hair, please stop going out of your way to compliment other women with natural hair. We see right through that.










5) Your hair style doesn't make you any more or any less black. An afro is not a satellite dish that makes it easier for the spirits of Africa to look down upon you.




In conclusion, its just hair. Sure, what you do with it can be a statement of individuality, but a statement can only go so far without acts to back that statement....and men don't give a damn either way.

LMAO!!!!

--The BL-O.G., Blogface killah and Blog Ness Monsta.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tuck Yo Chain in!!!!!

I've got nothing.

Kidding.

I thought about discussing Yung Berg and the politics of being a bitch ass n*gga.





You see that 100,000 dollar or so Diamond Transformers chain? Well yeah...It used to belong to Yung Berg until he visited Detroit and amidst talking shit, got his ass whipped. After being in town for approximately an hour and disobeying managers orders to "stay in the hotel", Berg went into a Detroit club where he was beat down and robbed by people from Rapper Trick Trick's entourage. Yep, he got his chain snatched (and it wasn't even in brooklyn.)

This is strike 2. Strike #1 was when Maino Slapped the shit out of him for talking disrespectful, then said "I'll let you keep your chain."




Anyways, to get your chain snatched and then have Soulja Boy buy it from the goons who robbed you? Straight disrespectful. This is like a case study on bitch ass ni*ganess. LOL.



Here's the Goon who robbed him. (Above)



And here are the Goons who robbed / shot Gucci Mane's boy Wacka Flacka Flame. LOL. He deserved to get robbed for having that dumb ass name.

BTW, whats up with this new phenomenon of committing robberies and posting the confessions on you tube? I kinda like it...it has an apparent grittiness and gangstaness about it. It's damn stupid mind you, but its entertaining.



Rocafella Rapper true life, currently in jail for murder after he left a knife stuck in someone's face, however, takes the cake ! This ninja robbed Jim Jones and then did In-store promos for his mixtape letting Fans take pictures wearing Jim Jones Jewelry!!

Where they do that at!!!??

Just something to think about...Tuck your chains in people!!!!

Also, this just in....an unidentified man pistol whipped and robbed earlier this week at a party in Hollywood was identified as none other than Yung Berg (SMH) who apparently lost about 20,000 in jewels and cash. True Story.

Come on Son!!!!!!!!!!!

Live, Love, Goons.

-Show

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Why I hate Teenagers: Nappyheadedpitusberry

It sounds truly fucked up to say this but I really cant stand these little grown actin, pre-pubescent and adolescent skinny jean, jerk dancing punk muther fuc*ing teenagers.


If I really want to get into the intricacies of my disdain for the younger generation I can blame it on their perversion of hiphop (I'm looking at you Soulja boy...making it OK for anyone to make a youtube video) or even talk about their lack of respect for human life. My boy Tyler was shot and killed by another teenager over Him "talking to someone's ex girlfriend. "


All that shit tho, doesn't even matter right now.


The real reason I hate these punk summmana bitches (Bernie Mack voice...R.I.P) is because of shit like this...

wait, I can't show you yet.


Do you know Today's post was supposed to be in honor of black History month and I was gonna drop a gem of knowledge on yall? Yes, I swear. But noooooooooooooo, some anonymous blog reader had to send me this link which I could not ignore and got me all side tracked. Sorry Dr. King, I'll evoke your memory tomorrow...go burn some piff or something for now. LOL.


And now, the reason I'm acting like a Curmudgeon (google it, its a real word.)


I hate Teenagers: Nappyheadedpitusberry

P.S. Whites and Blacks you're off the hook today!! We're gonna get these damn Dominicans!!


Now I know this isn't new, but I've never seen this variation of it...and quite frankly, it plays like a case study of whats wrong with the youth. If you have this much time to make a semi-professional quality video (with Teachers in it , mind you) yall little muthaskuttas should have a higher graduation rate.


Seriously...How do these niggas find time to commit crime anymore between making extensive catalogues of you tube videos, playing Madden and getting their hair washed and ends clipped. LOL. Sad part is, they still do.

Go to school niggas...even if its only for the bitches, I beg of you...just go to school. I at least want someone literate enough to read the correct meat temperature (pause) cooking my flame broiled whopper with cheese. Yum. Pause.

Enjoy.





There are so many things wrong with this video obviously shot in Wash Heights. Let's start with the stupid song that even Tego Calderon, Zion, Lenox, Daddy Redsox and all the muthafuckas in Aventura couldn't translate. Then we've got the Pre-teen booty shaking in the tenement hallway. Transition to the "boys" with skinny jeans and fresher perms than the ladies.


I could talk about these niggas all day...but then I wouldn't get any of my Gf's big bootied mama's Santo Domingo style home cooking. That being said, I'm gonna put an actual, real live Dominirican at the helm of this keyboard to try and explain the cultural phenomenon of Dominican foolishness.


P.S. I wouldn't dare talk like that about the Trinis, DDP or anyone else who could kill me. Also, All big bootied women (of which 75% of Dominicans are) are excused. Oww Owww.


Maino: I have nothing to say, other than young black kids created the Jerk. Also, that song & dance "Chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side..." , lets just say that soda was definitely GRAPE and not PINEAPPLE. LOL.

Show: Point Taken. Let us unite and hate on teenagers indiscriminate of race, color or religious orientation.

Maino & Show (in we are the World Cadence): We are the world, we hate the children/...take off the skinny jeans, right away, let legs start breathing....there are, mothers crying, and if you care enough for your own world/ then cut the Mohawks off, and save the pony tails for girls.....oooooooh oooooh.

Just for good measure, and because I know that for some blog readers I am their only link to pop culture...The We are the World 2010 Regular and a ridonkulous Hip Hop mix by a bootleg DJ Khaled. LMAO. Just listennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.











Live, Love, Foolishness

-Show PJ's

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Worst I've Ever Heard


Big Breasted Blonde with English Accent: So, Mr. Sho No-Homo, how would you describe your musical tastes?


Show "Sho-no Homo": I wouldn't say I'm a hip hop purist, because I listen to a lot of contemporary garbage simply for its comedic value. I will attest to a few things, however, which may place me in the category of "Hip Hop Head," and a few others which will place me in the category of crazy ass nigga who knows nothing about music.

The fact is, the 1990's was the best era of Hip Hop period.

Being an underground rapper is not synonymous with being a "good" rapper.

There is no debate as to who the best emcees are. The list is as simple as Nas, Pac, B.I.G and Jay. Fuck Pun, Fuck Eminem, Fuck Daddy Kane, Fuck KRS 1. They were good, but not the best.






Fabolous is a modern day Ma$e minus the personality and sidekick (diddy).

The question of "who is the best rap tandem ever" has three correct answers ( Ghost & Rae, Talib & Mos, Dre & Big boy) ...









Despite my personal favorites being Beans & Free.







Big Breasted Blonde with English Accent: Wow. You really laid it out there. Impressive.




Show "Sho no-homo": No, that's impressive... Lets fuck.


Big Breasted Blonde with English Accent: Excuse me!??


Show "Sho no-homo": Freely & Undeniably Create Knowledge. F.U.C.K.


Big Breasted Blonde with English Accent: Ahhhhhhh...OK my nigga, drop a gem on em'.


The Worst Song I've Ever, Ever, Ever Heard!!!!!

Now prior to this, the dumbest song I ever heard was by some girl name "Peaches." I believe it was called "Calling Me," but I'm not sure. The lyrics, however, I could not forget as they went from "Suckin on my titty like you wantin me , callin me" to "Suck my tit, S.O.S/ stay in school, cause it's the best." WTF!!!?

At least it was entertaining.


The following song, though it may have some good lines like "I know Ellen can't be eatin' your pussy right" and "I know she's [Kim Kardasian]with Reggie Bush, but that was Ray J's Bush..she used to blow it, used to blow it like Grade A Kush", the song as a whole is so raunchy and offensively bad that it actually offends me!! And to think, Ray J is one of my favorite singers (and I use the term singer loosely.)

Enjoy and give me your thoughts...The lyrics aren't work suitable, but the video is fine..just a montage of Ray J and Game pics.

The Game Featuring Ray-J: Pussy Fight.




Really Guys????!!! Seriously dudes?

Live, Love, Music pre 1996.

--S.S.N.H.

P.S. Post a link to a more terrible song and I'll send you a free NappyheadedBros embroidered Polo. You will not find a more awful song.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

This is not OK Caucasians: An In Depth Study of the All you can eat Buffet.

Well, over the weekend we hit 40,000 hits, and in honor of the 40 acres and a mule white people still owe us, I'm going to present a special "This is not OK...Just for them. "


Ha, you bitches got all extra comfortable laughing at the misfortunes and coontastic mishaps of your melanin toned brethren, all the while forgetting your own alabaster shortcomings. Don't worry, I'm here to remind you in a condescending and pontificating manner. Enjoy...like R-Kelly and Shane Sparks at a Bat-Mitzvah.


Disclaimer: This is not going to help me disprove Khaki's belief that I have something against fat people so I will include a list of F.I.L.F's at posts end. That is all.


This is not OK Caucasians: An In Depth Study of the All you can eat Buffet.



Since the Mid to late 1800's, black people have been accustomed to living a life of humility and frugality, learning to save what little cash or food they had for later dispersion amongst family and friends. This can be seen as the catalyst for most black peoples' poor dietary habits (saving every scrap of the animal and conjuring up dishes such as chitterlings and fat back, as well as eating grade F meat off McDonald's dollar menu to save a buck.) Please ignore the excess spending of Rappers and athletes from the hood as these are outliers.






Eventually, as History, the Emancipation Proclamation and my bearded brother Honest Abe will show you, our frugality paid off as we were soon allowed the chance to monetarily "buy" our freedom. This, my friends, was the ultimate Okie Doke (aka 52 Fake Out scheme) devised by white people, but hey....it beat being a slave and working on the plantation.



Case in point, blacks have become used to "getting by" with what little they have and taking advantage of the "all you can eat buffet" which is essentially a "hook up" in institutional form.



Caucasians have also discovered this phenomenon, but based on their history, they have been primed to view it and hence react to it differently.



Since Renaissance times in England (the Caucasian Motherland), portliness (being fat) has been a sign of affluence as having a Little bit of belly meat showed bi*ches that you were "eatin' good."



Unfortunately, this age old, common sensical correlation no longer holds true as rich white celebrities now use Louis Vuitton handbags and adopted African babies (ahem...slaves in training) to show their wealth and status all the while eating supposedly healthy 100 dollar organic salads and Acai berry juice.

What about the rest of the Caucasian population though?







Well you see boys and girls, the same way a mother with no high school education or drive may shift her focus on her Kids and pretend that she is happy because"Family is the most important thing in her life", those without the means to cop expensive bags and designer adopted babies will focus on other things. Enter the buffet.


While minorities used it as a necessity,most likely because they wanted to feed "X" amount of Children with "Y" amount of dollars, whites use it as a chance to re-channel their historically programmed desire for opulence and excess. Sure there are obese black people at buffets, but I highly doubt you will see an obese AFFLUENT black person at a buffet.


Also, black people are genetically pre-disposed to be fat (thanks to slavery's conditioning which killed our previous African organic diets and replaced it with an existence feeding off meat scraps), meaning that fat black people in a buffet may just be a coincidence.


This being said, I'm no racist or black supremacist (LOL), I just call it how I see it.


Whereas slavery has forced blacks into a hoarding mentality (grab the chap food and stuff it in your purse for later), the Renaissance has predisposed whites for a return to the era of decadence (eat all I can now in order to show my superiority.)

Sadly, in the end the results are the always the same...poor fat people running amok in the Pacific Buffets, Hometown Buffets, Sizzlers, Ponderosas, Chinese Buffets and American Steakhouses of America. White people, however, have begun to learn from the errors of their ways and are coming up with new ways to avoid these buffet pitfalls, such as the all you can eat salad bars at Pizza Hut and Applebee's. Now...if only we black people could find a way to get away from that damn dollar menu we'd be aiiight. LOL.


Live, Love, Mu-Shu Buffets



--Show


P.S. (F.I.L.F's)


Crystal Renn



Natalie Laughlin


Mia Tyler


And the list goes on!!!!

Friday, February 19, 2010

Upenn Stabbing this morning?

Ummmm, Did someone rally just get stabbed on UPenn's campus? Again?

No robbery, no rape (god forbid), just an Early morning 9:00am Stabbing?

Who randomly stabs a chick?? WTF. Oh emm Gee (White girl voice.)

What is Philly coming to?

--Your friendly neighor-HOOD reporter


http://cbs3.com/topstories/stabbing.upenn.police.2.1505467.html

NEOPOLITAN: Leflur, Methadone & Birdman Jr.



I pride myself on switching shit up and freaking the blog in all different ways. Today is no different.

As I couldn't decide which of my three blog topics was best, I figured I'd bless you with a Neapolitan hodgepodge of unrelated content dripping with flavor like the coochie of a girl made out of ice cream. Slurrrrrrp. Pause.

The Chocolate. No Homo.

Just because I know you all love hearing about America's favorite chocolate boy wonder (pause) Lefleur, I'm gonna bless you (pause) with his most recent episode.

Have you ever really had to take a dump to the point where the sweet release of turd felt like you were lifting the weight of the world off your shoulders? No I'm not talking about a quick, 2 pump dump where you can go during a commercial break and still catch you favorite show. I'm talking about a "nobody in the house but me, door open to air it out, facebooking on my blackberry, shirt off, one sock on dump. Yeah buddy.

Back to the question. Have you ever taken one?

Well apparently, Lefleur has.

Unfortunately, this nigga forgot that he was not in the confines of his own home, but rather was at work! I can just see it now (pause.)

Leflur: Yeah man. I came out the bathroom in my wife beater, dress shirt draped across my neck, wiping my forehead... sweatin'. I swear i said 'pheww' and then it hit me. Everybody was lookin at me like I was crazy.

Lefleur, apparently, forgot he works in a professional office where taking a dump in a wife beater and socks is only OK if no one knows about it. LMAO. I love it!!!

The Vanilla (No Racist-o)

Aside from being a cross cultural liaison, I pride myself in sharing the wealth of hood knowledge I've acquired, and which people have no idea I've obtained due to the incorrect assumption that my prep-school and Ivy league schooling is synonymous with "silver spoon upbringing."

Have you ever had to run because bullets were whizzing by your head? (Freddy Fixer, 2 years in a row!!) Have you ever been stuck up at gunpoint? (Fitch and Blake st Christmas Eve). Have you ever been cuffed and thrown in the back of a squad car just for fitting the description? (too many times to count.) OK, maybe this is getting a little extreme. Let's start here. Have you ever even been in a fist fight? LOL.

Point of the story is, I'm here to spread a little chocolate knowledge into your vanilla worlds.

"Methadone is a rigorously well-tested medication that is safe and efficacious for the treatment of narcotic withdrawal and dependence. For more than 30 years this synthetic narcotic has been used to treat opioid addiction. Heroin releases an excess of dopamine in the body and causes users to need an opiate continuously occupying the opioid receptor in the brain. Methadone occupies this receptor and is the stabilizing factor that permits addicts on methadone to change their behavior and to discontinue heroin use."

-- http://www.whitehousedrugpolicy.gov/publications/factsht/methadone/index.html

For those of you who may not know, aka don't see these zombie looking niggas in the hood, methadone users (aka crackheads/ heroin addicts and ex Crackheads) are some shady mutha suckas. Because methadone is ingested orally, these savy druggies have found a way to hide a cotton ball in their cheek and pretend to swallow the methadone. In actuality the methadone is soaked into the slob covered cotton ball which the meth-heads later on sell to other meth-heads!! GROSS!!!!!! And you thought crackheads were dumb! Silly Eminem in 8 mile (Rabbit).

Strawberry

And now, a message about America's favorite Strawberry Blunt wrap smoking Celebrity.

Apparently, Mr. F. Baby, upon getting ready for Jail, is looking to sell his 2.8 Million dollar South Beach condo. Owww owww.

Problem is, people are saying he's having trouble because of the pertinent smell of weed (pronounced Whheeeead. LOL).

Weezy's ridiculous, "I'm feeling myself too much" response:

“We’re not having trouble selling it, but all the other stuff is true,". "The people that are coming to look at it like that more about it. That’s like coming into Bob Marley’s crib and you still smelling weed and his bed still messed up. They’re like ‘leave all that shit. I want to buy all that.’ I’m one of those niggas right now."




Slow ya roll Birdman Jr, Slow ya roll. LOL. Maybe it's the codeine withdrawal making him talk crazy. Well, jail is one place his braggadacio will be taken down a notch. Just remember Wheez, when it comes to the soap....just don't, wobbly, wobbly...drop, drop it like its hot.

Live, Love, Switchin it up.


-Shizzzo-Sho no Hommozzzzo

Thursday, February 18, 2010

PAUSE: Celebrity "Dicks"

Show: For Today and Today only I am stepping down (pause) as chairman and CEO of NHB.com. I want nothing to do with this tomfoolery.

Take it away C4...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

First and foremost, this entire post is on a perpetual PAUSE, no Adam Lambert. Now if you'll let me finish...I mean start...

I'm sure many of you by now know about the controversial John Mayer comments from his interview in Playboy after he was twisted off the top shelf drank. In case you missed it, the highlights:

PLAYBOY: If you didn't know you, would you think you're a douche bag?



MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and "Daughters." If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.




PLAYBOY: Because you're very?



MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, "What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?" And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, "I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"



PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.



MAYER: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.



PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?



MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.



If this isn't hilarious to you, I understand. It is to me though and it's my blog I ain't mad at John Mayer, for the following reasons:

1) He kept it real, somehow managing to do so WHILE using the n-word. In the first highlighted sentence, be basically admitted what most white people who think they're "down" do not. He DOES NOT have the hood/nigger pass. In fact, I might speculate as far as to say (and WJA3 agrees) he might have said it like "nigga" and it was written down as "nigger." Small, but notable difference, one which we cannot prove or disprove because we have no access to the recording.

2) He kept it real again, basically saying, "yeah I like black people and shit, but I'm not attracted to black women." Except he said it in a funny way, comparing his dick to David Duke.

3) I need not go in, the rest of America is crucifying him already so he'll learn the lesson. Hell he might start dating Lil Mama just to throw off the bigot scent. Can you imagine? Well...maybe not Lil Mama. Maybe Keyshia Cole. Last niiiiiiiightt.......
Remember Brandy?

Which brings us back to the awkward title of this post, no pun intended. Some guys name their dicks. Others let chicks name them. Others still just refer to them as dicks. So I, you're friendly neighborhood Blog Killah, decided to think back to all the different ways I have identified my own penis, and type those things out for your viewing entertainment.

Some of you know me personally, a little too well for the rest of this to not be weird. To you I say, get over it, or simply stop reading. Or skip to the part when ShowRocka starts doing the same thing. Or if you know him and will feel weird, go kick rocks. These are your options. Now...


C4 Presents:
Celebrity Names I Have Given My Dick

The Governor: This name I just thought was funny, I believe I stole it from some white sitcom where a British guy says, "I usually just ask if she wants to meet the governor." So of course when I employed this name and told the preceding story to a girl I dated once upon a time, I was very surprised to find out that the fake British accent thing turned her on. She loved meeting with the Governor, asked for him by name, and even requested I talk dirty to her in the British accent. That last part didn't last, it was too funny to me and I couldn't maintain wood while sounding so ridiculous. But she continued to love the Governor.

Paul Pierce: Despite the look of an overweight 3 or an undersized 4 (learn your basketball), extremely effective and highly skilled, known around the league as the toughest to defend against (no Colorado Kobe). Also, deadly in the 4th quarter. Nickname: The Truth. Not the prototype player, but an undeniable Finals MVP. Ya Dig?!


Mike Tyson: Stout and vicious. A physical specimen. Ability to knock out much larger opponents (aka big girls, lol) in the first round. Also will probably be spent before the 12th if asked to go longer than usual (SKEET!). Nickname: Kid Dynamite, Iron Mike.

Names to give one's penis when you know you're really handling your business:

Dikembe Mutombo: 7'2" African. 'Nuff Said.

David Ortiz: Latin version of the Mutumbo, aka the 9th inning walk-off HR. I have a very good friend who used to mess with a girl who went on to have an affair with David Ortiz in the DR. They still kept in contact, but said to his boys: "I ain't going back in there after David Ortiz, son! It's gonna be all baggy and shit I ain't even playin' myself like that, B."

Show: Really C4? You really let WJA3 convince you this was a good idea.
Drops Mic (PAUSE!!!!!).

To ya door, once more, this time hanging to the floor

--C4

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

This is not OK 2010: Stop,Stop,Stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First off, Let's take care of housekeeping.


Shout out to my girls Angela and Julie for their 13-0 victory in this years winter Olympic Hockey first round. It's nice to know famous people with boobs. We're all proud of you...especially Hiep. He told me to relay that one Julie. LOL.



Secondly, in the Tradition of the Men's health Editors (aka authors of my personal favorites "the Abs Diet" and "Eat this, Not That") I'm going to bless yall with a Nappyheaded spin-off..."Buy this, not that."

That being said, buy Freeway and Jake One's Stimulus Package...NOT Kay Slay's awful concoction "More Than a DJ."


Dope hip hop album. Great beats and tasteful guest appearances. No Gucci Mane or Auto Tune. What more can you ask for?


Ridiculous album cover (Gucci don't make that shit!!) , bad beats, 20 + all star guests and not 1 legitimately hot record. Stand out awful lines include Papoose's "I aint stressin if its that time of the month....It might sound nasty but if cops aint in sight/ i'll look both ways and then run the red light" (Ewwwwwwwww) and Ray J actually singing "Baby girl likes to buy me shoes from Gucci...yeahh...and her favorite gun is the Uzi..." (Come on son!!!!)


Now, onto what we do best...talking shit.


Last year we had a series called "This Is Not OK" where we highlighted a list of things certain people of certain races need to stop doing. We've revamped this for 2010 just to show you, no one's safe. Also, rather than rattling off a list, we're taking our time with these major offenses to make sure these actions come to a screeching halt!!!



Show-Sho Presents...


This is not ok 2010: Stop, Stop,Stop!!!!!


It is not OK to pronounce Salmon (Sal-Mon), I don't care how many of your ghetto friends do the same, or how many ghetto rappers say it on record (ahem....Jadakiss...cough, cough.) Its salmon (sam-men) damnit!


Also, it is also not cute to pronounce Target as Tar-jay. This, like the aforementioned Salmon mistake is coonishly ghetto yet mildly excusable.


SELLING DINNERS IS NOT!!!!


It's ghetto, and beyond the realms of shit that's not OK. that being said....STOP, STOP, STOP!!!




Its extremely important that I explain this phenomenon as white people have probably never heard of it, other than when their black co-workers walk around with a crudely printed list (most likely printed for free at some one's job) detailing what comes with each dinner. It's also kind of ironic that black people are the first to say "I aint eating everybody's food" or "white people let cats walk around in their kitchen, I don't trust thier food" then are the first to try and sell you a collard green and chicken dinner. Yes, I went there.


The worst part about all this, is that the dinners never benefit a good cause other than the occasional catch all "sellin dinners for the church." Aint that what the collection plate is for son?



Anyways, it's usually because someone just wants to make a little cash on the side and I guess the fact that its a historical (albeit stupid) black tradition makes you exempt from health and sanitation permits required for commercial food distribution? LOL. Would you eat a plate of food from a random man on the street? Fuck no. You tell your kids "Don't take candy from strangers and check Halloween candy for razor blades" yet its OK to eat random black people food. LOL. What's the difference?




I guess the difference is that most soul food restaurants are nothing more than glorified black people's kitchen's anyway. LMAO. I blame this on white folk's desire for "authenticity." Why's it matter to you? You don't know the niggas in the kitchen either.




Here's the secret...it really is the same thing with one important caveat. Selling dinners introduces the aspect of transportation and delivery. Hmmmmm. Once this is introduced, black people's tendency to operate on CP Time (colored people time synomous with late) becomes evident as white people (who only ordered the food so as to avoid peer pressure and not seem racist) are delivered cold food at least a half hour late. Sure its coonish, sure its unsanitary...but most importantly, IT REINFORCES STEREOTYPES!!!!

Sure we eat unhealthy amounts of fried foods cooked with leftover Bacon grease and are late for damn near everything, but I'll be damned if we unintentionally admit it to white folk!! :)



You knew there was a conspiracy theory behind this.



Live, Love, Startin Shit...

Show-sho

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

There's no such thing as Platonic Friends of the Opposite Sex




Arenas: So I'm saying...I'm glad you guys recognize the apparent hilarity and Irony of it all.

Show: Um, I'm kinda upset that I was wasn't higher up on the list of "Straight men that your gay homeboys find attractive." Ummm, No homo?

Arenas: Big no homo.

Show: With a pause on the side. LOL.

Arenas: No really, it's cool that I can have all you guys as Platonic friends and all. Its nice to be able to mention funny shit like that without fear of being judged. And people say you can't have Platonic friends of the opposite sex...or same sex if you're , you know, gay as me. LOL.

Show: Now hold on...Don't get it confused. Pause. We do judge you... and quite frankly, gay or not, you're a man ho. LOL. No offense.

Arenas: None taken. I've been told birds of a feather....

Show: I've been told if it walks like a duck....LOL. No , seriously though. I have a theory, and you fit into it perfectly. PAUSE!!!!

Show: The only reason we are all your Platonic friends is because we are not gay, meaning that you have no chance of banging us. LOL. That being said, it is the same with all of our female friends. There is no such thing as truly Platonic as they all fall in one of three categories.


1. Either you have boned them already.


2. You want to bone them.



3. You would bone them after a beer an a half if no one would find out.


There's really no explanation needed as I challenge you fellas to find a female exception to the rule.


The closest that me and my fellow Faceguy, Mr. K-man have come up with are the following outliers which MAY house the potential for a semi platonic friendship. FYI, lesbians don't count as the thought that you may be the one who can re-convert her to the pleasures of d**k (Pause) can make her even 10 X hotter.


Possibilities marked for further exploration:

1. Girls you've slept with so long ago that you almost forget it happened, and whom you dont really have interest in because , well.....it already happened. Or you've both clearly moved on.


2. Girls who are straight crazy. You may have banged, or know someone who has, but you know that the drama that comes with it is not equal to a lifetime of pain.



3. Girls with untreatable STD's of which you are made aware. Pretty self explanatory.



That's it folks. Three rules with only three Possible exceptions. I dare you to conjure up a better theoretic explanation.


Don't get upset fellas and ladies. It is perfectly OK that the ways of the world work like this...we just have to be aware of it. Just because you want to smash your friend doesn't mean you're going to do it. Ladies, just be aware and don't ask him to do shit like tell you if your butt looks flat in that new thong, an you'll be aiiiiiight. LMAO.


Live, Love, The Female Friends who don't kill me after this. LOL.
--

Blogness

Monday, February 15, 2010

Presidents day tattoo

Hmmmm. What to blog about, what to blog about.... It's president's day, and since our prez is as black as a giraffe's tongue, I thought of taking the day off. I'll let y'all catch up on old blogs and hit you when I finish getting my situation on in the gym.



Check it out, all that space on my upper back is being prepped for a new tat. Why should you give a fuck, or why is it relevant? Because I'm getting a tattoo of mount rushmore!!! True story.



The interesting thing is, I could give a shit about old presidents (other than Lincoln who freed us, and Thomas Jefferson who banged more black chicks than me ), so I'm replacing the heads (pause) with my own, K-man, Boozay & Slim jones. I think it's awesome. My mom thinks it's gay.

Thoughts?

Also, ignore the puginess in the pic as I've been exercising like crazy... I lost 10lbs in the last 2 weeks. I'm smokin your six pack attempt C4!!!!! Pause.

Also, happy late valentines day! Fu*k you Wja3 for the accusation of boo lovin'!!! I'm a G!!!! I turned 3 dollars into a gourmet meal via the ghetto! Lol.






















Ugggggh (master p voice) bitches!!!!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Lion king play... There's obese people here!!

So I'm at the Lion King broadway shit, and there's a 400 pound man with a 350 pound girlfriend.




God forgive me for this, but "Dammmmmmmmn". They really should've invested in 3 seats and each had 1.5. Here's the pic... Squint your eyes cause iPhone cameras suck.


His arms around her because after 5 minutes of manuvering it was the only way they could fit. Smh. I feel so bad, but not bad enough that I won't blog about it. Lol. I go hard. Pause.

Maybe they should have a disclaimer at the theatre like they do on rollercoaster rides...or just provide complementary greasing butter. Lol.

I ain't shit!!! But I look fly!




-- Show

Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

P.S. I'm at Kudeta later some come shake some titties for ya boy.

Dead.