Friday, January 29, 2010

Whiteboys call it chowing Box


"I don't know about you guys, but when I see a naked woman I just want to eat her." --Caveman




Although if taken out of context, my boy Caveman's comment could be percieved as "I am a raging pervert who likes to perform cunninlyinguis (aka eat pu**y) and will eventually end up with a yeast infection in my throat and herpes bumps on my lip", I can honestly say that I know where my boy Cavey Crockett was coming from. Pause.






He wasn't saying "I go down on all girls", but rather that some girls are so sexy that you want to just put them in your mouth (pause) and attempt to swallow them whole. Saying "she looks so good i want so pound her out (jersey Shore Voice)" does not have the same effect(even without the Jersey Shore Voice). Sex is for women, as most men are so focused on leaving a lasting impression (aka "Putting it down") and not ejaculating too fast, that they don't truly get to enjoy themselves...at last when boning a chick for the first time.




Cum too quick and you will be embarrassed...or get laughed at.




Sex, while a necessary function of a nappyheaded lifestlye, isn't sexy. Victorias Secret shit is. Watching your girl strip is. Seeing your shawty get out the shower is...and eating pu**y most definitely is. That being said, Fellas...Stop eating pu**y. Or at least do it and then lie about it.


I know all the ladies jaw's just dropped on that one (insert dick now. LOL.)


Don't get mad as I keep it 100 and stand up for what I belive in, in the tradition of Rosa parks (who probably got her shit eaten too!!)


(Looks at the disgusted faces of the viewerships and smirks.)



The reason I tell fellas to stop eating pu**y (or at least stop admitting it) is because once we admit it, females oficially have the upper hand!!!


Go ahead guy. Tell her you wanna eat her shit and see if she calls you every night at 9:00 like she used to. You fu*ked up chief. Now, I am not saying this will cause a women to lose interest, but it will cause her to focus on those two birds in the bush rocking gold chains rather than the bird in the hand. Dig? Dug. Good.


Random Blog Reader: Now that the problem's presented, what's the solution my G?


The solution is, stop chowing box kid. This is akin to a female saying to her friend, "yea I'd F**k him" and you over-hearing it (it is not the same as her saying "I'd suck him off" because then you'd just think of her as a slut.) Once you know she's gonna f**k you, there are two options for most men...go extra hard and try to smash (who knows what will happen after that), or (if you're ambitious), put her on the bench as a solid "reserve" and look for some new starters. LOL.




Sure we are too old to risk dating a chick for a month if she doesn't put out, but every man likes the thrill of the hunt..well, they like it for about a week or two before they get frustrated and move on to you slightly chubbier, slutty friend.




Girls are the same way. Tell her that you've never eaten a girl out before and see how "convincing" she'll try to be. True story...not that I've tried it or anything. LOL.


In the end I think we can all agree that by eating pu**y sparingly and in secret everyone wins. Men and women alike get to find out what each others boundaries are while playfully enjoying each other without fear of embarassment. If you're too uncomfortable to try something for fear of a reaction than maybe you should get to know R-Money (aka Raekwajahiem Jenkins) a little more before spreading your legs like a Mayonaise sandwich. Same goes for you fellas.



Sex isn't a contract (in America at least) and you aren't supposed to know what your getting upfront (If that was the case, ugly girls would never get any!!!!) I'll tell you one thing though...if you tell her how bad you want your mouth dripping with her sweet pepperican nectar up front, you will end up with one thing and one thing only...a post club 4:00am booty call and a mouth full of sweaty brown hairs before she falls asleep on you and starts drooling her Newport and Corona breath all over your favorite pillow. LMAO.


Now go brush your teeth ya nasty!!!!



Live, Love....Wouldn't you like to know....

-The Monsta

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Misleading Muslims & Mos Def

Bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Led astray. Run Amok. Mix in a little hurt and anger, and you have your favorite Blog Killah at around 10:50PM last Saturday, ready to flip his shit!

How did we end up at this feeling? The answer lies over two weeks prior, when I got an email alert from Ticketmaster telling me that there would be a Mos Def concert at the Apollo Theater on Saturday, January 23rd.Immediately I'm like I'M THERE! This is a great thing. I am a huge Mos Def fan and I had never seen him perform live, so I jump at the chance, especially since the notice mentioned NO ONE ELSE, just him. Tix? Copped. No questions arise, no questions asked.

And then it all came crashing down.

A week later I receive this nut ass email:

Ticketmaster Alert - Mos Def - Event Update

This message is sent to you on behalf of the Apollo Theatre:

Dear Apollo customer,

Last week you purchased tickets to an upcoming event at the Apollo Theater on Saturday, January 23, 2010. The promoter of this event is IMAN (Inner-City Muslim Action Network) has provided more detailed information about the show than we had at the time of purchase:

IMAN PRESENTS SPECIAL EDITION OF COMMUNITY CAFE
Sat Jan 23, 2010 at 8:30 PM

Featuring Amir Sulaiman & Liza Garza
With Special Performances by Mos Def and Aasif Mandvi (Daily Show)
Also Featuring:
-The ReMINDers
-Progress Theatre
-And Many More!
Hosts:
-Azhar Usman (Allah Made Me Funny)
-Ibrahim Abdul Matin (IMAN NYC Initiative)
DJs:
-Kidragon and Raichous

For more information about the show, contact:
arts@imancentral.org | www.imancentral.org

The Apollo Theater is pleased to be the venue where IMAN is presenting their show, and will be happy to answer any questions you may have

Charmaine Inniss
Assistant Box Office Manager
(212) 531-5306


Oh, HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL NAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

These kufi-wearing bastards have bamboozled me with the old bait and switch! Please note that I highlighted the brief mention of Mos Def so y'all could find his name in the email, because it was not prominently displayed at all....You know, the way it was when they sold me two tickets! Fuckers.

So now I'm pissed, I want my money back. I notice Ticketmaster does not give refunds but I am almost mad enough to test this theory, and on the other hand, I kinda still wanna go cuz I don't know how long his set will be, and at least it might be blog-worthy.

And oh was it ever.

1st Sign that I'm in for a shitty night: tickets purchased to be picked up at will call share the same line with people who didn't buy tickets beforehand and are getting them at the door. This is troubling for a number of reasons:

1. The event is NOT sold out, probably because no one wants to pay $20 (oh yeah the price went down after the bait and switch was announced, another reason I'm pissed) to see a damn Muslim talent show on a Saturday night except other Muslims

2. What the hell is the point of buying tickets in advance? This is the sign of an unprofessional operation, i.e. The Apollo Theater. BOOOOOOOOOO!

3. Are there folks who look like hip-hop heads in the line with me? No, there are folks who look like Muslims.

This is gonna be a long night.

I get to my seat, and three hijab-wearing chicks in nurse-scrub blouse/dress combos and jeans are singing about Allah. FUCK!I arrived an hour late on purpose. This translated into having to sit through two hours of random ass Muslims waiting for Mos to show, as opposed to three. Hooray for me.

At this point, I try to see the humor in the situation. I crack side jokes with Jazzy Jen about the various performers:

-Muslim folk singers with guitar and bongos playing a slow song while a hippy Muslim chick wearing 7/8 of cloth dances like a stoned white chick....before coming to the mic to pray, of course. Wait, now two breakdancers have suddenly appeared from the sides and are breaking, fast, completely out of tune with the music. Um, okay....

-The ReMINDers, a husband and wife hip-hop duo. He raps, she raps, head wraps, and sings. They were actually fairly entertaining, by far the most dynamic of the random ass Muslims scheduled for the evening.-Two opera singers...good...just not here. The guy was a dark Indian (the kind that war with Hindus) and the woman was black and dressed like a cross between the trash bag thing Missy had going in The Rain video, and Janet in the Busta Rhymes joint.

-Outlandish: apparently very popular in their native Copenhagen, these guys sucked. Couldn't understand a word they were saying, partly cuz some of it was in another language, mostly because of poor diction. And the Jon B-looking lead singer kept shielding his eyes from the stage lights like a pussy.

Now we're at 10:00PM. The Muslims are on schedule, unlike their Christian brethren. Mos Def is scheduled to go on at the end of this hour, just before the "recognition of volunteers" and "prayer for Haiti."

First Aasif Mandvi, an actor/performer who you might recognize from The Daily Show, did a great one-man original theatre piece. Real talk, I'd pay to see this guy on his own. He was the only such performer of the night in the Muslim Breakfast Sampler show.Now it's 10:20, and things take a turn for the worse. The first "headliner" appears, Liza Garza, with her baby strapped to her back.SKEEERRRRRRRRTTTTTTT!!!!! That's right, a fucking baby. It's mad loud in there, that baby gon' go deaf! Whass wrong witchu?!?!?! I have no idea what she sang about, I never recovered from the baby thing. She was only up for like ten minutes, when the other "headliner" shows up.

Amir Sulaiman. Remember the name. If you are ever at an event and this nigga is performing, leave. He sucks. He really sucks, and he's REALLY feeling himself. In his mind, he's the Air Jordan VII of spoken word artists.
A S S H O L E

In reality, he's way too loud and aggressive, his band sucks, and he's not nearly as deep as he'd like to think. Like, this is one of those poetry guys who does it cuz he can't rap to a beat, and that pisses me off!

I would bear it, but as 10:30 became 10:40, and 10:45, and I realize Mos Def will be OFF stage by 11, I am growing IRRATE (Delta Eta What!) By 10:55 when he finishes, I am done. I am willing to wage jihad on him, the nut ass host of the show who was wearing sandals all night like it ain't January, and the over-hype Muslims giving Amir Sulaiman too much props so he thought he was cool. Amir Sulaiman, if you're reading, you're not cool.

Now it's 10:58, a screen comes down, they're recognizing volunteers and talking about Haiti.

Did these niggas skip the Mos Def portion of the show?????? FUUUUUUUUCK DAT!!! People are applauding and standing up for Haiti and shit, and I'm not having it. I think I actually said "Fuck Haiti!" I was so upset, and almost ready to leave.

Then finally, they introduce the Mighty Mos, who received no long ass intro like the other half-assed performers, crowning them "the voice of not only BK but the continent, the hemisphere, the world!" That's a direct quote. I think host guy sensed that some natives were restless, like myself.

Mos Def shows up in what is known as the Canadian Tuxedo, which is jeans and a jean jacket for those who are unfamiliar. He is also rocking shiny black loafers and his jeans are high-water enough so we can see his red socks, and he proceeds to kick off some tunes from the new album.

Honestly, I couldn't even enjoy the first song cuz I was still just angry at Muslims to the point I wanted to move to Israel, so "Wahid" I was not present for.

Then the beat to "Priority" dropped, and so did my shoulders, cuz that's my favorite cut on the record. This was short-lived joy cuz while he did the next joint, "Life in Marvelous Times," we almost got kicked out the venue cuz Jazzy Jen tried to get a pic of Mos and the usher was tripping, motioning for us to leave. I put my hands up and said, CHILL! Then I turned and said "this nigga gon' have to THROW me out, physically, if he expects me to leave now after sitting through two hours of random ass Muslims.

He did not, but I couldn't enjoy that song either.

Then Mos was like, "this is about to be some real precision work, I gotta come right on the 1s." And then he proceeded to KILL IT, performing "Casa Bey" EXACTLY the way it sounds on the album, which if you're not familiar, is very impressive. I was delighted for those four and a half minutes, as well as the next few in which he did "Umi Says." That was really good too, but was it worth suffering that whole night for five songs? Y'all tell me.


C4 2 Ya Door

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

More Hilarity from "Hope For Haiti Now"

Normally I don't spend my Friday nights at the laundromat, but I had to hit the club and I wanted to be in some clean draws in case I got some that night. So there I was in the Kingston Laundromat in Crown Heights, where the only thing blaring through the two HDTV's and accompanying surround sound (but at home I got an old ass Sylvania. Bullshit.) was the Hope For Haiti telethon.

Everything happens for a reason, right? Cuz not only did I notice the scandal of Questlove's questionable hair, but I had to wash, dry and fold, so I saw the majority of that shit. I found a lot of hi-F'in-larious stuff during that telecast, mostly trying to keep my mind off all the depressing stories.

So, you know, I noticed some things. Here are a few.....

While all those celebrities were working the phone lines, did you notice how only the really super duper famous people got to be up front? Like, what were the politics behind that? Was Mel Gibson like, "Common? Who the f*** is Common? I made Lethal Weapon and Passion of the Motherf****** Christ!!! I will be in that front row!"
Just think about it. Robert DeNiro? Steven Spielberg? Julia Roberts? 1st rowers. The Rock? Not so much. For example, notice Justin Timberlake and hit nut ass whiteboy beard in the back row.

You look like you've been going down on Alanis Morissette for hours. Stop it, it's disgusting. Sexy is not back, it has left the building. Blondish-haired white guys rocking scruffy beards is NOT OK!!!! Your swag cannot withstand it, I'm sorry. You thought you had enough, but you used it up on the porkpie hat. And yes, Ferris Bueller wants it back. '80s in the house!!!!

Then the tragic Questlove business happened, which I'm still a little sad about, but you can scroll down and read about that.

Shortly thereafter, though, they cut to London with the Coldplay dude on piano, and Beyonce singing Halo:
Shoulder pads though, B? Sequins? C'mon son (Ed Lover style). Tina Turner called, she wants her weave back. And her jacket. (This changes nothing, baby, I still love and adore you and drink down my vitamins with your bath water)

Halo was an appropriate song for the evening, went with the somber tone, etc. And she gets credit for singing her own damn song. There were so many inappropriate covers that night in the name of "we need to be heavy because it's for Haiti." JT doing "Hallelujiah," for example.

By far, the worst cover came from Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock (remember when he was famous?) and Keith Urban (who?), aka pseudo-soulful-pseudo-hippy white people with guitars, singing Lean On Me.
Is it just me, or is it just that whenever white people cover a classic black song, it's just missing something? It just lacks, ever so painfully? It does not come off. I mean, look at these people. They look like they're posing so hard, no matter what song they're singing. It was gross.

The opposite, however, doesn't seem to be the case. Jennifer Hudson sang the hell out of the Beatles' Let It Be, looking sexy as hell with her big girl belt on.Guess soul goes a long way. Not long enough to overcome a speech impediment though. They had this Haitian singer named Emeline Michel singing Jimmy Cliff's classic, "Many Rivers To Cross." Yeah, that song is hilarious when you throw a Haitian accent on it, had her up there sounding like a black female Elmer Fudd, and I could not resist the chuckles every time she went, "Many Rivers To Cwoss!!" LOL! Don't believe me, here's the video.


I'm sure many of you think I'm a bad person now. Whatever just read my blog, thanks. I didn't just sit there folding clothes and hating all night. I also recognized good deeds where appropriate. Like Chris Rock serving as spokesman for The Champ, Muhammad Ali, who didn't want to talk on account of his Parkinson's Disease.
A poignant reminder that we are all human. And as humans, we should help each other.

Don't forget to donate to www.hopeforhaitinow.org.

C-4 2 Ya Door

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Shorty's True Stories Pt. 2: Gangbang me in the Park while I wear this mask.

This is gonna be a good one.

Though I know a good deal of the readership has become quite fond of our conspiracy theories, reoccurring segments and tidbits of odd news (I.e. C4 informing the world that Questlove's Afro is actually a wig!!), we cannot forget our humble blogging roots.





Get it? Roots. Shout out to Maulie Blackwell and the Liberty City Cartel out in Philly.



Anyways....


We didn't start this shit merely as a platform to rave and rant, but rather as a means to chronicle real life instances of a term we've coined called "hogwash tomfoolery." That's right boys and developing 17 year old girls, this world we live in is full of unabashed nonsense, modern day coonery and people straight acting like hot ghetto (and trailer park) messes. Who are we to deny you the chance to revel in it?




Enjoy...like a fat chick at a buffet with extra wide booths that only plays Kelly Price songs...Or Kelly Clarkson (that bi*ch is getting big!)


What happened to that girl kell? You know? The old you. Did you eat her? LOL.


And now, The Bros Present....

Shorty's True Stories Pt. 2: Gangbang me in the Park while I wear this mask.



So I admit, we do a lot of things we have no business doing just for comedic value. This, however, was so far to the left , that we almost wanted no parts of it....almost.


To set the stage I can say that three friends and I were shitfaced drunk by 12:00 Pm in an undisclosed location in Pennsylvania. After throwing a huge party with our little Fraternity brothers at a strip club the night before, everyone was hungover and figured that getting drunk would be the quickest and easiest remedy.


Hold up....let me backtrack so you get an idea of how we party. We showed up to a strip club with a Range Rover (ballin!!), Toyota Camry (Keepin it hood) and a yellow school bus packed with 60 dudes. Needless to say we took over the club. Sex, money, rock and roll...yada yada. We got it in, made it rain, drizzle, precipitate and left love puddles of female twat juice all over the floor. It wasn't from us though....I'm sure it was the money that turned them on. LOL.


C4: So you guys like strip clubs. BO-RING. Tell us about the Gangbang.


So we wake up in the morning playing beerpong, past out a few times and by 5:00pm when we realize it's too Icy for our stripper friends to drive to our house, we get a bright idea...Craigslist!!


Blogness: There's no ore "erotic services" on craigslist. Cops are shutting that sh*t down .


Caveman: Go to "Casual encounters". Its for freaky degenerate people like us.


C-Town: Let's make our own post.


D'Mikel: Yea, we can advertise for a party and only let the hot girls in. Then we can play pong and kill this extra alcohol. I'm too broke for strippers anyway.


(Completely drunk guy logic, by the way. Why would a bunch of drunk hot girls be trolling Craigslist looking for a random party with 4 guys they dont know. LOL.)


Needless to say, we make the post and pass out drunk. We later wake up at around midnight to find a response. Hot girls ready to party? errrrrrrr. Not so much. Degenerateness? Yes.


Actual email:



From: Miss K

Three for one its a possibility. If you want to do it ill tell u what u guys would have to do
;)

From: The Bros

And what is that. Sounds interesting.


From: Miss K

Well u three would have to meet me somewere i know .. and dress warm cuz ur all gonna gang bang me.U wont be able to see my face tho,I'll be wearing a mask, but ill be ur dirty lil black slut. i will need picz of all three and its 80 roses per guy. let me know if that's good 4 u and ill tell u guys were to meet me so i can suck ur c*cks and u can gang bang me. if interested reply back for further instructions... or if u change your mind ill take one of u and u can eat me out :)


From: The Bros

Are you serious?



From: Miss K

Met me at ********* pond in **********? u guys cant park ur car in the parking lot though. No ones supposed to be in the park after nine. So u park around the corner and u walk quietly into the park. Theres a pavilion there. You would go all the way thru it to the childrens jungle gym and slide and beyond that a lil ways is a table and a bench ill be there with my pussy exposed.u each hand me the money and then u can have at it.Take your cocks out touch my pussy lick it whatever u want.u guys can make me ur lil cum slut/ u all must bring condoms with you tho. No condom cant do anything to you. an ill need picz still :)

While I (being black) automatically assumed the girl was a cop, which was later verified as untrue via a series of email statements, or that the entire shady episode would lead to a robbery and us being murdered on the First 48, Caveman thought otherwise. He thought it was just an extremely hard up, ugly, slutty girl and that we should go. He would bring a shotgun and stand guard while the rest of us picked straws to see who would have to go into the park. That idea was quickly vetoed. D'Mikel thought it may have been a man in a mask (another logical theory) and our resident "risk management expert" C-town just thought it was a bad idea.



Normally we encourage reckless behavior and try to indulge in it so you can live vicariously through us, but this time around....we bitched out. Even at the hands of a story this good, The idea of getting dumped by our gfs, catching AIDS, being murdered and robbed all while NOT HAVING THE CHANCE TO BLOG ABOUT IT, just didn't seem worth it.

Moral of the story is: Be careful what you wish for...you might get more than a party.



Recklessness is Bliss,

--The Bros

Monday, January 25, 2010

QuestLIES: The Story of the Legendary Roots 'Do

1/23/10, 10:24AM

I'm sure you all know that the Hope For Haiti telethon aired last night, in which dozens of celebrities came together in a sincere show of solidarity for the devastating tragedy that struck that impoverished nation last week. Surely, this occasion is no time for the hogwash tomfoolery and trivial humor usually associated with this blog.

P S Y C H !

Holy shit son. Amidst all of the uber-depressing stories about the devastation, the heartfelt pleas from Haitian natives and celebrity narrators, and the general down mood of the evening, there was sooooooooooooooooo much bloggable material, I would be a negligent Blog Killah if I did not touch the subject.

Frankly, I'm still flabbergasted by some of the shit that came to light last night. But let me backtrack for a moment.

Rewind to six days ago, Sunday, January 17th, 2010. Questlove of the legendary Roots crew and current Late Night with Jimmy Fallon band (I can't hate, get that guap!) was DJing a party at Southpaw in Brooklyn. I so happen to have been in attendance at this event, and real talk Questlove was handlin his biz on the 1's and 2's, I don't care what Dre Smooth says.

Show: Yeah so what, stop flaunting your backpacker tendencies. What the hell does this have to do with Hope For Haiti???

Funny you should mention that, Blogness. While dancing to the tunes blaring out of the speakers and through Quest's headphones, I couldn't help but notice the absence of his trademark afro. I was like, "Word, Questlove finally switchin' it up, rockin' the caesar with the crispy shape-up. That's cool." I think nothing of it, I go back to dancing. This was Sunday.

Fast-forward to last night, and Sting is singing live from the New York section of the telethon, being backed up by a lot of musicians, among them the Roots' guitar player, keyboardist, and of course, Questlove on the drums.

AND DIS NIGGA HAD AN AFRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Check out the video, he's there.

Shock. Confusion. I call up my friend who I went to Southpaw with like, "Yo do you SEE this shit?"

Jazzy Jen: What?! A Fro?! Are you serious??? But he had a caesar on Sunday.
C4: Dead ass.
Jazzy Jen: Maybe it was taped. Questlove wouldn't do this to us.
C4: I don't know, yo. I thought so too...
Jazzy Jen: This could be an epic fail.
C4: I know...


For anybody unfamiliar with the growth-rate of black hair, it don't happen like that. We are not Chia Pets. You do not have a caesar on Sunday then have a huge blowout on Friday. Could it be? I didn't wanna believe it. Maybe it was taped. I searched the web to make sure that it was a live telecast. It was. I even called my mama! She can make sense of anything. But there was only one plausible answer to this conundrum, and it wasn't a pretty one.


Questlove wears an afro wig.


Wow. That is disappointing. How long has this been going on? How long has the frickin' sweetest most glorious 'fro in all of modern pop culture been a sham??? How long have the people been lied to?

And why? What does he gain by this? Does he fear he won't be recognized without it? THE NIGGA IS 6'5"!!!! How many 6'5" black guys do you see playing the drums for the Roots?! One. Just one. Questlove.

Show: Now you know white people do not recognize semi-famous black people once they change their hair. I should know. I once cut all of my hair off and rocked a caesar at the end of senior year. I was bagging and boning the same white bitches twice like it was brand new!
Would these Japanese guys mistake him for Shaquille O'Neal without his afro?

I mean, I guess, maaaybe that's a reason behind it. Look, I understand, Quest. You've changed over the years. You've lost weight, your beard is much cleaner, and I get it. Afros are a bitch to manage. I also know you're the PR face of The Roots cuz Black Thought is an asshole/introvert. I know a guy who told me that LOTS of white people who he knew well did not recognize him without his dreads when cut them off. You might wanna go swimming (Nigga please). Maybe Jimmy Fallon got you under contract for it, whatever. But like this, though? I gotta find out on Hope for Fuckin Haiti???

I blame Erykah Badu. This is clearly her fault.
F!-A!-K!-E! Bitch you are not foolin' me!

Dat neo-soul hoodrat stay rocking a giant Angela Davis afro that is ALL WEAVE! She kicks it with The Roots, and she clearly has once again exerted her negative influence on a great hip-hop musician. Thank God Common didn't seed her up. Watch out, Jay Electronica! Watch your f***in back.


Oh man. I'm spent. I didn't plan on getting that emotional and in-depth. There was a whole lot more where that came from during the Hope For Haiti telethon last night.

Stay tuned for Part Deux of this telethon-related tomfoolery, I have not BEGUN to blog!

C4 2 Ya Door,

No 'Fro No More. Damn.
PS: Please donate to www.hopeforhaitinow.org, they're going to be needing all our support for a long time to come.

Sak Pase!


Saturday, January 23, 2010

Sober eye for the drunk guy / Penn Girls I wanted to Smash

This is for you Akira, even though we have never laid down in a bed naked and bumped uglies. I appreciate that you read NHB and call us out when we do things like...ahemmm...recycle WJA3's 10 best albums of the year post. I wanted to do this saturday post about the top 10 girls by name that I wanted to smash while at Penn, but C4 vetoed it. Sucka.

Anyways shout out to J.N (Black), N.V (Pepper), M (switched last names) (Pepper), P.J (Pepper), M.S (Black), Z (is a last name needed), N.P (pepper), C.V (something like a pepper), C.G (black), A.T (Swine), S.G (Indo) and N.C. (Asiatic...LOL). Hah, F**k you C4. I woke up earlier!!!!!

Anyway, onto my regularly scheduled irregular post.

Being a sober fly on a drunk wall has its perks.


Not only do I get to break up fights, blatently stare at bra-busting beauties and eavesdrop on some of the dumbest convos ever, I also get to take pics...and videos.

Like this random African dude freakin it!!!



C4: Slow ya roll patna. No one knows what you're drunk ass is talking about.

Show: Right...a little bit of backround.


For those of you who don't completely stalk my whole entire life on the boardwalk (Pauly D Voice), I should explain that I help out a friend by working the door at a local bar. Yep, you heard what I said. Little old 5' 11" Blogness is serving as a makeshift bouncer...and no, I don't have a napolean (Or Prodigy from Mobb Deep for my black folk) complex.


Everytime I'm Working (and by that I mean drinking beer while checking ID's, I see the funiest shit...Now I'm not talking like 5 people in a row (True story) trying to use the same guys ID and all getting kicked out, or kids with fake ID's not knowing their birth month...I'm talking like niggas getting the STATE wrong!!!! Come on son!!! (Ed Lover Verse.) Moral of the story, have a nice rack or memorize your shit. LOL.


So anyways, it is now 3:30 am and I'm giving you a glimpse of my Friday Night. LOL.



Now think of the melody from the song "pants on the ground", as I give you some backround music for the next flick.


Just think "Mouthwash at the bar, wash at the bar....lookin like a fool drinkin mouthwash at the bar." Yes nigga, drinking, not swiggin...like the old mouthwash bums on the green do to get drunk. LMAO.

Why did we allow this, might you ask? Because while it is not OK to sexually manipulate a girl who is black out drunk (i.e. RAPE), it is completely permissible to take advantage of her, aka allow her to simulate fellatio on a jalepeno and then bite it!! After her mouth was on fire, she thought that drinking Listerene would help. SMH. Yale = Epic Fail. Again. Go Quakers!



Other notable nonsense includes a sophmore girl wearing a full white Mink into a college bar, where the most expensive thing being ordered was a bitcher of coors lite, a mentally challenged man getting a handjob from a random chick and the 48 yr old owner of the Pizza Place where we get our post-last call munchies meeting an untimely demise...aka shooting his 25 yr old wife 6 times and then turning the gun on himself. Sheesh.


Live, Love, Saturday Bloggin!!!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Return of WJA3 the Lost Bro: Top 10 Albums of 2009

Show: Who chooses the word "Imperial" for a nickname? Thats that educated shit.

C4: Says the man with 1,000 nicknames, half of which don't make sense. "The Black Kevin Costner?" He's not even a cool white guy. What does that even mean?

Show: I dance with Wolves.

C4: Anyways.....


NappyHeadedBros are proud to present y'all with the return of the Lost Bro, WJA3, hitting y'all with a special guest post doing what he does best: rank things. Blogness and Blogface will pepper in some side comments, but WJA3 is in the driver's seat on this post. Holla at 'em son!

SIDEBAR - Slept On Albums of '08-'09

+Kidz in the Hall - Professional Leisure Tour EP (link!)
+Janelle Monae - Metropolis: The Chase
+Jake One - White Van Music
+Santogold - Santogold

+Lykki Li - Youth Novels
+J Dilla Jay Stay Paid


Show: Gay. C4 must've added those. Right Wja3? What up Naledge and Double O. LOL.
C4: Fuck you, Rocka.

Without further delay, WJA3's Top 10 Albums of 2009.







10) Clipse - Til the Casket Drops

When the Clipse first came out, I thought they would end up being one of the greatest rap groups of all time...sort of like a new millennium EPMD. It's unfortunately not looking like it'll end up that way. Still, they are far from wack. However, when they are rapping about anything other than the drug trade (which they rarely do, if at all this album), it comes off kind of creampuff. Neptunes production to the rescue!

Standout Tracks -

Kinda Like a Big Deal
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0flkPCiwV3Y

I'm Good
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WElkxS2LkI

Show: Eh, This should've been a little higher on the list WJa3. I guess there was a lot of filler, but when the tracks were good they were great! Wait, WTF...did this nigga put Birdman higher?? Explaaaain, you Maino looking mutha fu**a.






9) Birdman - Pricele$$ (Show: aka Mr. Stupid Star Tattoo on my Head.)

Don't worry folks. I still think Baby sucks PAUSE. However, he wisely has guest appearances on 9 of 13 songs. 7 of those 9 songs has Lil Wayne. Birdman is a smart business man, but despite being a "rapper" for over 10 years, still can't put together a better verse than a white girl from Kansas.

Standout Tracks -

Money to Blow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjNBC4mC5y4

Mo Milly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkdAcdVr3iE

Show: Now you know I love Birdman, but this isnt even his best album. SMH. The Drake and Weezy songs are dope. Drake's still gay and weez's still a wierdo. Love my CMB Brothers tho. Oh...you thought I was gonna comment on the music? Nah...just on WJA3's decisions and whether or not I like the Artists. LOL.

C4: Dick.








8) Eminem - Relapse
In terms of rapping, Eminem is still easily top 5, maybe top 3. However, Relapse was fairly forgettable despite it being a good album. The best thing to happen to Eminem this year was the Forever song where he dismantled Drake, Kanye, & Wayne. If I'm Eminem's adviser, I tell him to do a whole album of collabos where he embarrasses his songmates to remind the world how good he is.

Standout Tracks -

Same Song & Dance
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnJ5qsPFphI

Medicine Ball
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OynTTJGWZ3U




Show: Hated it!!! (Gay ni**a from Men on Film Voice). Em is whack...

I cant co-sign him after that Mariah diss. Nick Cannon is whacker tho for not bustin his ass.

C4: PAUSE!!!! Em's lyrics and flow on this album may be his best ever. I like how he stayed in the Slim Shady psycho character for the majority of the LP. Arrangement could've been better, and he could have left a couple joint off in favor of the track titled "I'm Having A Relapse" that didn't make the album.









7) 50 Cent - Forever King
Once again, 50 Cent has went through another year putting out better material on mixtapes than he did on actual albums. At least on the official album, he tried doing mixtape like material. Still didn't work out for him.

Standout Tracks -

If You Leaving, Then Leave
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fL2Lkpel8dI

I'm Paranoid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fOQCzUt5nI

Suicide Watch
http://www.thisis50.com/profiles/blogs/50-cent-suicide-watch-track-1

Show: Eh, better than his actual album, but Gucci Mane should go here. I know I am a Hip Hop Pseudo purist, but Gucci's album is as good of an album as he could possibly make. That's how we judge albums right? Is this the best album fif could make? Hell Naw. Nexxxxxxt.





C4: PAUSE!!!!


Show: Is that a slice of pizza tattooed on his chest? Pause again.



6) Trey Songz - Ready

WJA3 Says: You got to respect Trey Songz. He takes the ignorant stuff n-words say when they feeling themselves and made songs out of it. You going think that I invited sex....I bet the neighbors know my name....He's hilarious. He's from Petersburg, Virginia too pushing me to the 2nd most famous person to have some connection to that town.

C4: Big-ups to the versatility on this album. Some surprisingly good style shifts, especially on Black Roses and Yo' Side of the Bed.

Standout Tracks -
Show: I wrote the next two songs under my Ghostwriting name.








5) Rick Ross - Deeper than Rap

Throughout the year, 50 KILLED Rick Ross, just killed him. He confirmed that Rick Ross was a corrections officer and then make a set of legitimately funny cartoons about it. He put a homemade porno of Rick Ross' baby mother on the internet while making legitimately funny commentary over it. & He took Rick Ross' other baby mother shopping and RICK'S SON to Floyd Mayweather's house. End of the day, none of it mattered because Rick Ross came out with a good album. We laugh at Rick Ross for being a cornball & then we dance to his music.

Standout Tracks -

Usual Suspects
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z8SpiJQYCT8

Mafia Music
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NkHSxdSPW0

Yacht Club
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e_A6wcJ09zg

Show: Top 3 nigga, top 3!!!! Along with Gorilla Zoe's slept on "Don't Feed the Animals" and Raekwon. No room for Debate. Drops Mic. (Picks Mic up). Wait. Mos Def's album was dope too.







4) Mos Def - The Ecstatic

Raise your hands if you knew Mos Def came out with an album this year. It just seems like Mos is making music for himself lately as he just puts out albums with no type of marketing. I guess he assumes word of mouth will handle his marketing. Well, let me do my part then, this is a dope album.

C4: For my money, best album of the year. Most musically forward and instrumentally provocative album in the bunch, some of Mos's best work ever on a few joints. Great replay value on this one. My standouts are "Priority," "Auditorium," and "Worker's Comp." Check WJA3's picks below.

Show: Have fun at the Mos-Def Muslim Picnic you plan on attending you Mos Def Meat Hopper.

C4: Man dat was some buuuuuuuullshit! I cop tix for Mos Def at the Apollo, a week later they say it's some Imam Cafe garbage with mad random ass Muslims, and Mos is making a "special appearance." I'm saltier than Show was when that fat bitch called him a broke version of this ugly Jamaican we went to college with.

Show: Fuck you. I forgot about that. She probably was just mad I wouldn't hit it cause she was fat...(Not fat AND Puertorican.)






3) Ryan Leslie

Ryan Leslie can't really sing. He just makes good songs and is a good producer. But he can't sing a lick. What's really funny is that his best song has Cassie on it, another person who can't sing a lick. Technology as come to the point where 2 people with modest at best singing ability can make hot songs....yet we still don't have time machines or flying cars.

Standout Tracks -

Addiction
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Ix5dicdL7c

Valentine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2fV4nnlG-I

Out of the Blue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5l39Z2Vxk0E

Wanna Be Good
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Od1zVm0BDlA

Show: He looks like my Nigga Tommy Gunz. Anyway, What a Wasted Pick!!!!!!! This is where Wale or Royce Da Five 9' is supposed to go. Attention Deficit and Streethop. Real Hip Hop fans stand up!!!!!

C4: Wale is wack as f***, I'm sorry. And I have a pro-African bias, so that's saying a lot. Ryan Leslie's "Gibberish" = panty-dropper.

Show: Nothing compard to R-Kellys "Girl I wanna Get you pregnant"...but that starts a host of other problems. We need a remix. "Girl you make me wanna get you pregnant, then give you 250 for the..."

C4: Stop. Now.









2) Jay-Z - Blueprint 3

Jay-Z has had the greatest rap career ever. He's hasn't fallen off to where you can say he's wack or even average (if you're being honest). He hasn't been killed so he's been able to enjoy the fruits of his success. Unlike the original "I've made it" album, Kingdom Come, Jay-Z is able to celebrate his success in Blueprint 3 without alienating his hardcore fans. He was able to do this without selling any crack on any of the tracks too.

Standout Tracks -

Death of Autotune
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8z13AjI8n4I

On to the Next One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM1RChZk1EU

What we Talkin' About
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9f6R7QQraDk

Venus vs Mars
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD7ONSFvmxU

Thank You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HBZvlmpvq_Y

Show: Jay Z is too old, though I can't front on the album. For the record, he did not make the Yankee hat more famous than the yankees.

C4: Does this mean 40 is the new 30? Brett Favre thinks so.

Show: Where is "Pants on the ground" on this list??








1) Raekwon (the Chef) - Only Built for Cuban Linx...Pt II

Wiley is insane in the membrane....insane in the brain for not at all including this album in his top 10 of the year, especially when I don't see how any hip hop fan can not have it as #1. Unlike Method Man & Redman's album, which was purely an attempt to recreate the 90's-early 00's, this album moreso showcased Rae & company's maturity, while keeping the early Wu-Tang flavor. If there's any complaint about this album, its that you can tell it was made over a long period of time as there's some tracks you can tell were made while Raekwon was with Aftermath & some tracks made with the Wu-family. This prevents the album from being cohesive. It's forgivable considering tracks from both periods are hot.

Standout Tracks -

10 Bricks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JzS2dN99KxM

Fat Lady Sings
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XEupdv0i2A

Ason Jones
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUZHfs1Tw6g

Catalina
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iULg00QEEz0

New Wu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jP1PliAiuc

Broken Safety
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITZ-519YfJk

C4: Tell a friend, it's that symbol again!


Show: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Viva la Wu-Tang and real Hiphop. I shouldn't even co-sign it though due to him starting shit with mouse-budden and Slaughterhouse, but this shit is hot Dylon, ghonerrea fire!


3 Simultaneous Mic's Drop.


--The Bros...all 3 of us.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Keepin it 100 Pt. 1: "The Princess and the Whore"

Avid Blog Reader: You guys have been going a little two heavy the past few days. Haiti, Martin Luther King, Child Molesters? Time to lighten it up.

Show-sho: F**k you. Jk, I feel you homie.

C4: Pause.





The Bros Present..."The Princess and the Whore"

Are you enamored with that girl? You know. The one who tolerates you, thinks you're cute yet obviously isn't that into you? Yeah. If you answered yes, you should probably stop reading now...or get a box of Kleenex. Pusssssssyyyyyyyyyy!



Fuck the age-old dichotomy which places every woman on a spectrum between loving mother or spicy pepperican whore.

Not every girl wants to be treated like a princess or a whore.

Every girl, however, does want to be treated like a princess…even the whores. (Especially the whores!) Hold on...let me explain before all you women and sensitive r & B thugs start saying “awwwwwww, the bros do have a heart.”

The first part of what I’ve said isn’t a revolutionary concept. It's neither something new, nor is it something of which the populus has been completely unaware. The next statement, however, is unknown to many men and is the underlying cause of their getting played like suckas by a hodgepodge of savvy opportunistic women. Sorry bit*hes, I’m revealing your secret.


Every woman wants to be treated like a princess, but only by the guy whose physical embodiment makes her succumb to her most carnal desires and feel like a whore. Yes it’s true and this is the penultimate reason that nice guys finish last. Sure she wants to be pampered and showered with gifts…just not by yo' punk ass.





Sorry to burst your bubble chief, but I may have saved you some money, heartache, and the epic fail of kissing your “vision of purity” who probably sucked off her main dude before visiting your punk ass.


Peep Game…I mean, read as I break down the intricacies of my theory.


Let me tell you something which all girls will co-sign, and which your dumb ass should already know. Chicks know, within 10 minutes of meeting you, whether or not they would fu*k you. This doesn't mean they're going to fu*k you now, or even next week...it does, however, mean that they would. If they felt like it.





Now think about the girl who you try to bring out to dinner and buy things with the hopes of eventually smashing or dating . She blows you off huh? Says you're "hilarious" or "Silly" when you say sexy things to her? Nothing against you cuddy, it's just that she's waiting for her thug knight in shining armor to do the same things as you...only not be such a bitch ass nigga while doing it. That's right, I said it. She don't want prince charming...she want's prince Tyrone (or prince Tito)...and a Newport. LOL. Basically, Prince Cooler Than You, Herb. You could have less thug appeal than a Jonas brother as long as you're attractive to her for some reason: you're funny, good-looking, smooth, whatever. And you don't sweat her like some bottle-buying, trickin' ass lame. Ya dig?


OK, your feelings are hurt now. This, I guess, would be the part where I offer you a bit of advice on how to successfully navigate through the rough seas of getting played like a Nintendo Wii.


You're sick? Want the remedy? Take two of these and call me in the morning. Kidding.


Make the decision. How bad do you want to fu*k her? Do you have feelings for her?


If you are willing to go about your business, accept her call whenever it comes and fu*k her so hard that she will become enamored with you, thereby allowing you to return to your harem of bi*ches and accept her call whenever you want or feel like it, then I say "my nigga, you've figured this sh*t out." Pimp pimp, hooray!!!


If however, you are a touchy feely type dude who has feelings for her, actually cares that she's out stinging other guys, or get jealous easily, I say this: "Exit stage left." She is not your princess, nor are you her Prince Tyrone. You want her to be the mother of your kids, but she'd rather get a # 3 from McDdonald's at the hands of her domestic violence boyfriend than get filet mignon (pernounced Fill-Ett, Mig-Nan by her ghetto ass) from your whitewashed bougie behind. Should've stuck to those free long walks in the park, you cupcake!

And why, might you ask???


Because girls are silly and irrational. Why do you think they keep hooking up with guys like us? Aaaaaw skeet skeet skeet!!!!

LMAO.


Live, Love, Whores to ya Door



The Bros

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

At least the Girl He Peed on was 15...

There really aren't that many things in life that are so far on the degenerate scale that even I am appalled and disgusted by them. Please don't kill me for this one Jesus. LOL.




Midget porn, binge drinking, Trannies ....it's pretty much whatever. To each his own.
That R.Kelly thing? In retrospect...It really wasn't that bad.



Sure he hooked up with a teenie bopper and gave her the Golden arches like McDonald's, but at least she was developed and had full grown woman parts. This does not mean I'm co-signing that shit, by the way, just setting a gauge for how bad this Shane Sparks Situation is.



For those of you unfamiliar with Shane Sparks, this dude is the celebrity choreogrepher / judge for the MTV show, America's Best Dance Crew. You know? The show with the Breakdancing Asians and Jabawockeez.




Attached below is the actual article I found online. Yes boys and girls (sounds creepy now), apparently Shane's Interest is sparked by more than just pop-locking Asians. Allegedly, he likes little girls without big girl parts. Feel free to burn in hell light skind-ed bastard.

C4: Why he gotta be light-skinned tho?! Damn. The Bros hate Pedo's and we put them on blast Chris Hansen Style (Google "To Catch a Predator." Awesome show. )


C4: Now I know there's a thin line between delicious and lascivious, cuz dammit we keep it 100 on this blog! We'd do a college freshman chick, in her first semester, as long as she's sexy. Well, do you really think she just arrived on campus and suddenly was sexy? Maybe. But more likely, she's looked like that for over 5 months. You know, 5 months ago when she was in high school. But you wouldn't do her 5 months ago, because that's illegal, and you don't want to go to jail and become someone's girlfriend. But five years ago? That's sick. Yulgch! Showrock: (Pusha T voice).

Technically a child is frowned upon. I wouldn't do it, or even allow myself the absent boner behind a 17-year-old. And that's on a TECHNICALITY! With dis coon, we're talking about PHYSICALLY a child. You deserve what you get, loser...


The pleasure is all gone Pt. 2 (More celeb child molesters?)


Celebrity choreographer on Fox’s popular reality dance competition “So You Think You Can Dance” and MTV's “America's Best Dance Crew" judge, Shane Sparks, was arrested Friday morning at his Hollywood home on felony charges of child molestation.

Shane, whose government name is Melvin Sparks, was charged with six felony counts of committing a lewd act on a child under the age 14, incidents which allegedly occurred between 1994 and 1997. He was also charged with two counts of oral copulation of a child under the age 16, which is said to have occured between 1995 and 1997. The report concludes that the acts were "with the intent of arousing, appealing to, and gratifying the lust, passions and sexual desires of the said defendant and the said child."

KTTV Fox News 11 in Los Angeles reported that the Emmy nominated dancer/choreographer, who is now 40 years old, is said to have met the alleged victim, who is rumored to be 10 years his junior, at Millennium Dance Complex in Los Angeles where the child was one of Shane's students.

He is currently being held on $590,000 bail. No comment has been made on the arrest from Shane or any representatives on his behalf.




There's really nothing funny about diddling children. Well, that's kind of a lie. If Diddy did it, it would be a little funnier just to see a headline like Diddy the Diddler...or something like that. Moral of the story is, this is America and the Bros support a lot of things that may even be considered immoral or illegal....but this shit right here my ninja? Not OK. Go ahead, indulge in your sexual deviancy...just not with our kids.




I dont know about yall, but I damn sure aint watchin the show if he's still on it. I will, however, still buy R-Kelly CD's. What they both did was wrong...but sheiiiiit, ni**a...only R-Kelly gets an "R-Kelly Pass. " LMAO.



C4: Fa real fa real tho, you can't expect impunity from some egregious shit like this and not have a "Step In The Name Of Love" ready to appease the bloodthirsty masses.



Live, Love, Hate child predators.


-SSNH & C4TYD