Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Caveman Interventions Pt. 2

It is 4am, somewhere on the east coast. Mr Oooooga-chaka himself, the Caveman, is whiteboy wasted. Wait? Can you say that if he's already white? Eh, I guess that's like Zane Calling me "Showrock, the Black Mike Vick." His reasoning: "Well, Showrock's black, just like Mike Vick. So he's the black Mike vick."

Perplexed? Me too. But on with the story.

Girl: I normally don't do this...I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me. I don't want you to think that.....

Obviously an intervention is going to occur. I swear, whenever Caveman gets drunk and a retardedly stupid yet not quite invalid girl is around, hilarity ensues.

Just to offer a little background, there is an app on the iphone entitled "Who's Here" where you can basically create a profile and randomly text message other people with iphones in the area. I swear the ingenuity of GPS and triangulation (combined with the creepiness of facebook stalking) will one day be the catalyst for stalkers (and "big brother") taking over the world. Anyways...two geniuses like myself and Caveman could not help but take advantage of a new world of slutty girls just one iphone app away.

Her tits were gorgeous. She had that non-descript, miscellaneous Asian look, and seemed like a party girl.

You could not tell she had gained 135 pounds (aka an entire normal sized person) nor that her face and body bore the splotchy battle scars of a fight with rosacia she had obviously lost. SMH. To this day we actually refer to her as Bulgogi, because she was fat and Korean...and Bulgogi is a type of Delicious , fatty, Korean meat. Thank's Boozay for introducing us to Korean food.

The Plan: Get Bulgogi and her friends to come meet us, party, drink and fornicate....with the last part being only implied.

What actually happened: Bulgogi calls at around 2am apologizing for not meeting up with us because her friends were being lame and were nervous about meeting a group of "random guys, because it could be dangerous." I agree with their logic by the way.

Bulgogi's Suggestion: How bout I come out there by myself and just hang with you guys? Do you mind?

How this seems safer, I do not know. We, of course agreed , thinking either an orgy would occur or someone would get lucky and the rest of us would play beerpong all night. She, of course, shows up at 3:00 am looking so fat and frumpy that we all just laughed at Caveman and told him good luck. For the record, she did have a nice and expensive Victoria's secret Bra. Gotta respect that.

Sooooooo. We get drunk, as do Bulgolgi and the Cavester, then they go downstairs and bang while we pass out. I awake to hear the screeching sound of tires at 4:30 am.

Show: Dude, you did not kick her out drunk? What a d*ck. at 4:30am? That's just rude. You intervened huh?

Caveman: What else was I supposed to do? She asked for it.

Like always, I do not have the exact text of the conversation but from what we heard through the door and Caveman's recollection, this is how it went:

Girl: I normally don't do this...I don't want you to get the wrong idea about me. I don't want you to think that.....

Think that what? You're a whore...a slut...a prostitute who wasn't smart enough to earn a decent living from her morally lose and carnivorous endeavours. Don't cry, I'm saving your life.

What do I think of you? I think you're the type of girl who meets random guys on the internet and goes to their houses and bangs them. For Christs sake, you made me fist you? I actually cant believe how much of a whore you are. I'm sure you're a nice girl under the stench of Dick, slut and cum-slob but come on?! What did you think I was gonna say? I want you to be my girlfriend, girl who has just fucked me within 10 minutes of knowing me?

I think its time you re-evaluate your life situation. By the way, when was that pic from? Highschool? You're obviously like 30, and that was at least 100 pounds ago. You shouldn't deceive people. Your mom must be proud. I think you should safe, I'm going to bed.

Show: WOW. Another Caveman Classic.


-The Bros

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