I guess I have been slacking and owe you all a blog, and an explanation.
I swear it wasn't like last time where I was heartbroken from getting dumped or when I was swimming in so much pu**y I had no time to hang with Michael Phelps, much less blog.
This time I just didnt have sh*t to say...I'm lying. It was the 4 Loko. I'm back for a little while though, and I've got some funny shit.
The Caveman Interventions
My Bff-nh (best friend forever no homo) caveman is one of those people that is funny whenever they are trying to be serious. I know that probably sounds like an inherent contradiction, but I'm also sure you all know a person like this. They can be saying or doing something dead ass serious with a straight face, but still make you bust (pause) out laughing, usually because they don't realize the ridiculousness of the situation.
10 minutes after I almost strangled Caveman for hooking me up with a girl who was even too much of a whore for my liking, the heated discussion...oh, who am i kidding, the "drunken argument" had died down.
Caveman: If I told you ahead of time, it would've ruined your night. She's hot, you would've done it anyway.
Show: That's besides the point, you should tell me these things first! Let me make the decision!
Now, listen boys and girls because its not too often that I put someone on blast for slutty, morally loose and raunchy behavior, but this shit was a little ridiculous. Let us just say that in a 3 story house, said girl had been smashed, banged, railed, humped, etc. in every bed in the house.
Sidenote: She does not live in this house. What really got to me, however, was that I made a trip to see this girl, not knowing she had banged the caveman's roomate less than 24 hours before!! To make things worse, Caveman began getting calls from the girl's mom chastising he and his friends wild behavior because, "those arent the type of people her little angel should be hanging around." More like a Victoria's secret angel with a mouth full of 3 types of sperm. Smh.
Being friends for nearly 10 years, the spat between caveman and I died down, we started drinking and inviting people to a party at the crib. By 10pm the Dj is rockin, house is packed and in walks "the girl" as Caveman is shit housed drunk (whiteboy word of the day.) Intervention time.
I dont not remember word for word, but this was the gist of the conversation with some phrases taken verbatim:
Look missy. What you are doing is not OK. Shame on you (pointing finger). You are a whore. You gonna keep being a whore forever? You banged the whole basketball team at ________.
You've slept with two of my friends in less that 24 hours. I don't care, I'm sure they enjoyed it, but if you wanna go off and be a hooker I should start charging you a room fee. Make some money off these guys. Wait, no, thats not what I mean. I'm drunk. But here's what I think of you..
You're a very pretty girl...no , you're hot. But you're too ho-ish. I mean if Showrock thinks you're a ho than you know its gone too far...This guy makes songs about Abortions and Double penetration. You know what, I'm gonna call your mother. You want me to call her and tell her you're off being a little harlot? Wanna talk to your mom with that sperm breath? I didnt think so....so cut it out. Now go...run along and play.
There is nothing, i repeat...NOTHING like a Caveman intervention. My own parents have never even scolded me like that. Stay tuned for part 2.