So there I am eating a nice post coitus steak dinner with my sweetie when....
As if all the serendipitous sanctity of the celestial solar system collapsed, I was bombarded by what could only be described as a literal bumrush of all things hood. Yes, the floodgates had opened and the Niger (LOL) river rushed its way into my kitchen, looking more like hurricane Katrina than the typical ebb and flow of say...Dawson's Creek.
In walks D-White, Lefleur and Airforce J.
Then comes Kash from the other room, who immediately grabs the excess steak off the counter and starts eating. Lefleur actually cuts a piece of meat (pause) off my plate as his boys introduce themselves to the wifey. Arrrgh.
If this was the ominous foreshadow of things to come, I shoulda high tailed it outa there, except....mutherfucka its my house!
Next, in walks Sleep and FCB (Fat Chris brown). Jokes begin to be visciously thrown back and forth as I pretend that this is not happening. I could not be surrounded by this much immature drunkenness in the presence of a lady. Luckily, she didnt care and saw all the empty 4 loko cans. She even took a few sips. My lady is a rider.
So anyways...after we kick the coon coalition out of the house so we can do what grown folks do, we proceed to do what Old folks do...fall asleep...and wake up to a host of stories.
I'm not gonna say who did what, cause I aint no snitch...but these are the top 3 hilarious highlights.
1.) PLEASE RETURN MY CALL (TREY SONGZ VOICE)
Girl: You have a good night last night.....I'm sure you did.
Friend: I'ma be honest with you, I dont remember shit. What are you talkin bout? Did i see you.
Girl: I just know you had a good time.
Girl: Yep. You had so good of a time you called me while you were having sex and....
Friend: Goddamned pocket dialing....
Girl: Oh no, you called me and said. I miss you. I'm F**king this other chick right now but I wish it was you.
2.) PARKING LOT PIMPIN'
Friend: Do you know that girl?
Other friend: Nope.
Now let me preface this. My "Other friend" was asked this question after he walked into the bar of a fancy restaurant, gazed into a sexy Venezuelan woman's eyes and began making out with her at the bar. Sidenote, she was 49 years old...he was not. LOL.
Come to find out, this woman's husband had left her for a 21 year old...even though they have an 18 year old son. SMH. Being in a time of distress, or just a Rick James Superfreak, she brings walks outside with the "other friend" to smoke. They end up fu*king raw dog in the front seat. Yikes. Points for the friend, she was hot.
Other Friend (Via Text): So you think We'll get up and I'll see you again.
49 Year Old: No.
3.) FINGER LICKIN' GOOD
Friend #1: Thats just fu*king rude. How you gonna just finish fu*king and go in the fridge. You aint even wash your hands!!!
Other Friend: So. She tastes good anyway. I just did yall a favor.
DEAD...like an aborted fetus.
I know yall missed me...