Monday, November 22, 2010
Man, F* Christmas!
Yeah I said it! Bah humbug, ninjas. I decided to write this blog yesterday in my local grocery store nearly a full week before Thanksgiving, being bombarded with little Michael Jackson belting out about how Santa Claus is coming to town. Over the years, this song and this rendition of the song have become the bane of my holiday existence. Why? Funny you should ask that, reader. Bottom line, I just can't take it anymore. Every year Christmas season gets longer and longer. Back in the day it started in December, with a little thing the Christians like to call Advent (the four weeks prior to the birth of Christ, symbolized in church by the lighting of a candle per week on a wreath).
Then somewhere in the 20th Century some shrewd American capitalist decided that it wasn't enough to earn presents money off Jesus-lovers, so let's marginalize God's little bastard and push this present-buying thing. Result? I didn't realize that Muslims didn't celebrate Christmas until I went to college: and half my family is Muslim!!!
Don't get me wrong, I love the gifts and the tree and good food, etc. It's just that I can't bear baby Michael singing about baby Jesus and baby Santa and mommy blowing Santa and all that crap, before I've even bought my damn Halloween costume!
Real talk. Duane Reade was all Xmas'd up by the end of October. Every Starbucks in America has a Christmas only playlist running right now, with complimentary yuletide latte. Every grocery store has a Christmas only playlist running right now so you remember to buy Christmas cookies and Christmas ham. Half of all radio stations are currently shoving Christmas songs down the throat of motorists across America. Most commercials on TV are hollering about all the batty bloodclot ungodly Black Friday sales that promise two laptops, a plasma TV and a blowjob for $19.95 if you trample your grandmother to death and break into the store at the stroke of midnight.
And it's all because if you don't blow your whole salary on gifts, then no one will buy you one, and no one will love you, salvation via birth of Christ be damned. THAT'S why the religious angle of the holiday has been marginalized. Not to be inclusive for the sake of holiday spirit and love for fellow man, but because Jesus will screw your profit margin. Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Atheists and Avatars can all get down with gift-giving. And in case they don't want to, let's remind them every fucking place they go.
So fuck you tiny MJ, fuck you Fine Fare, Duane Reade, Starbucks, and Wal-Mart. All I want for Christmas this year is some time off work, my family, and for all my Nappy Ninjas to smash some ho ho hoes under the mistletoe at the office holiday party.
C4 2 Ya Door