Thursday, October 14, 2010

Thank You For Your Weave: A Love Letter

Dear Chickenheads,

I know you get a lot of bad press, hatred and condescension from the likes of prudish bitches, the bourgeoisie and from your own kind as well, but today the Nappy Headed Bros would like to thank you. Yes, thank you.

I personally would like to thank you for all that you do, everything you are, and all that you represent. Thank you for being you, thank you for being proud of you, and thank you for sounding the alarm to the world around you that you are proud of yourself.

Thank you for your weave. This garish stylistic abortion gone wrong signals to me from afar that I do not have to talk to you. That multicolored, far too sheeny eyesore tells me from yards and sometimes blocks away, who you are and what you are into.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you shouldn't have!

You're far too kind...

No, the pleasure is all mine. Really.

Thank you for the piercings that represent beauty marks around lips and in your cheeks in the place of dimples. These tell me you are shallow, insecure, and you probably take semen to the face...well, at least swallow, which is great! And it probably won't take much work because no one hugged you when you were little and you're eager to please.



Thank you for the skin-tight mini skirt you're wearing, which tells me that you're a whore. How expensive of a whore of course depends on other factors. I wouldn't want to judge. The rest of your outfit will determine whether it will cost me several apple-tini's or several ounces of Colt 45, but in no time you'll finally get to show off that cooch you've spent the rest of the day hiding with your legs since the skirt won't do the job.

For lil' ol' me?

Oh, you!

I feel so loved.

Thank you for the vacant look in your eye, that tells me that whatever you might be thinking about is juvenile at best, trifling at worst. It tells me that you won't run up my daytime minutes with lively conversation. I cherish the silence.

You really shouldn't have.

I'm gonna blush...

I have so much more to thank you for but I'm running out of time! Thank you for your tramp stamps, your neck tats, hand tats, black lipstick, oh the list goes on! I have to run now, we'll chat again soon. One last thing though, thank you for being LOUD. It lets me know you care.




MW said...

This is Onion-worthily brilliant. Showrocka should take a tip from your wordcraft.

Also: cheek piercing? Jesus Christ, is that really so widespread? Sometimes I'm really glad that I almost never have to deal with women and their chickenheadery.

Jamar said...

Another classic c4 post. So nice I had to read it twice. Lefleur!

Arnett said...

Well done...

NC17 said...

I have to go against this. I like hoodrats & love white trash. I couldn't imagine a world where everyone dressed dignified. Sure It's fun to snicker at them as they pull into that Wal-mart parking lot or stumble into the waffle house after the club on one good heel, but I need these people with their gaudy accessories and 5 dollar dresses. They complete me.

Elliott said...

Brilliant, I loved this piece (pause).

khaki la'docker said...

:standing ovation:

Gonna print this and put it up at every Tyrone's Chicken in Baltimore