Thursday, October 7, 2010

Sex and Alcohol Saved Your Life!!!!!

Ciera's "Promise" is in the background and all I hear is "Come enjoy the life, baby, take a ride...I just wanna find you, you."

Now this isn't cause I was makin love on no sweet R & B, lovey dovey-no homo shit. It's cause it was my ringtone at the time. Sheesh. Don't judge me.

Needless to say, I didn't hear my phone ring as the sounds blended with the typical background noises of the hood i had become so accustomed to living in the attic / 3rd floor crash pad at my moms house. Mommarocka lived on the second floor and titirocka and my cousin Chain lived on the 1st. Yep...this was a "family house" and we aren't even Mexican. No-Racist.

Following a messy break-up, Titi rocka was single and basically ended up meeting and dismissing a hodgepodge of dudes with various issues (i.e Wives, Life Threatening Contagious Diseases, Murder raps, and the like.) Chain was not yet married, and as my gf lived out of state, our typical ritual involved me & chain sitting on the front stoop drinkin 40's and Cisco, eating Popeyes like some drunk hooligan bums...except we had well paying jobs. Guess you can take the boys out the hood, but....well, you know the rest.

To make a long story short, we ran out of brew and it was chains turn to make the PK (Liquor store) run. As he walked down the street my gf pulls up...surprise. Cool. Meanwhile the Mexican dude from down the street who had a crush on my aunt was walking on the porch as they were about to watch a movie. Too much going on...I felt like Craig in Friday when the phone was ringing and Bernie Mack was smashing the midgets wife. and wifey go upstairs, drink a couple woo-woo's (some made up drink ) and proceed to hook up....Let me stop lying, we got it in!!! So much to the point that I didnt realize mommarocka was having a party downstairs and I was shaking the roof and ceiling.

Mommarocka: Next time you wash clothes make sure there's not an unbalanced load. You had that machine shakin the whole house.

Show: I wasn't washi....

Wifey (While hitting show in the arm): He won't.

I was so drunk I dont remember much except she said I kept referring to her as bi*ch and making animal sounds. Whoops.

Chain on the other hand was Cisqo drunk, passed out on the porch napping, not knowing where I had disappeared to.

Meanwhile our phones are ringing off the hook and no one hears them.

We wake up to a frantic voicemail from Titi rocka and come running down the steps, 9mm pistol and box cutter in hand. Where the hell is Jorge? We can't find his ass. We patrol the block for about an hour to no avail. Back to sleep it is.

The end.

Oh, want to know what happened.

Titirocka is mean and oblivious to things. "Yes you can watch a movie with me" coming from her, means "you can watch a movie at my house but I will pay you no mind and do not talk to me." Thats what happened. She was so oblivious that she ignored Jorge calling her pretty and did not notice him beating off under his shirt...seriously!

About 30 minutes into the movie he goes "come here I have something to show you" and as she turns he whips out his meat while simultaneously busting a load all over the couch. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!

She starts yelling and cursing at him to get out all the while trying to get us to come f**k him up. Epic fail on us due to the Cisco and 40's...or epic win....because Malt Liquor + nig*as + guns never = anything good.

Ni*ga moment avoided, but Bruh, Bruh....Sex & Alcohol saved your life.

For the next few weeks he would haul ass every time he saw us and even called the cops to try and get protection. After that he just moved.


1 comment:

mandy ;) said...

i love it...too funny