Friday, September 17, 2010

Showrocka Comes Clean: An Untold Story

Sometimes things just can't be mentioned while they're still have to let them wait a year or so, sort of like the unwritten rule between me and the boys that no one would try to holla at Bianca until at least a year after her baby's father was thrown out that window in west philly and died.

To date, about three people know this story. Caveman, Box and Shanga. Now, hundreds will know. No intro needed.

Sunday Morning, Summer 2009

Shanga: YO!!! It smells like a gas station bathroom in there. You ever walk into a gas station bathroom and wonder, how the fuck did it get this bad? Smells like there's probably shit on the walls!!!

Show: Yeah man. It was a bad night. Shouldn't have eaten that chorizo.

That was the extent of the explanation that was given and that's how it stood for about a year. That is, until summer 2010, when I decided to spill the beans.

Sunday Morning, Summer 2010

Show: Remember the "Gas station bathroom " day, at your house party?

Shanga: Hell yeah, how could I sprayed like shit on the wall or something.

Show: I'ma keep it 100. Here's what really happened.

There was a party at Shanga's house out in bumblefuck CT, about an hour from anywhere in the woods. Socks was there, Beth Money was there, Los was there, Big B was there Sha was there and Lana was there, looking good enough to eat...seriously. (Well, she was looking good enough to eat until we used her iphone for something and realized she didn't clear her google search history. "Vaginal puss" / "Red bumps" / "Sexually transmitted disease timeframe"). Yeah, can we say turn off.

This was worse than when I smashed _______, only to wake up in the morning and find this on the counter!!!!

Caveman thought this was hilarious...I did not, even though she said it was for "something else." But that's another story for another day.

So I show up at Shanga's and proceed to get Dr-unnnnnnnk. I am drinking some sort of Dogfish Head (Pause) Ale which has so high of an alcohol percentage it's marketed as a "six pack in a bottle." I had about 2 before my stomach got to bubbling from the chorizo con Juevos I ate earlier. Now Shanga lives in a Duplex where the bottom floor house is a huge office. The party was in the upstairs house.

Show: Son, lemme get the keys to the office. Gotta take a mean dump.

No one wants to dump in the middle of a party, that being said, i took the downstairs keys and bounced. By now I am mega-super-quadruple-extra-excessively-messy-dangerously drunk. I cannot find any lights once i reach the bathroom. I am searching and searching fervently for a switch but cannot find it and I am struggling to keep my butt cheeks from exploding. I can feel it, I am about to shit all over myself, at a party, in a pitch black room. I'm sweating, almost vomited and think I may have even shed a tear because of the pain.

Then I bump into a pedestal. The sink! The light should be close by. Can't find it. Can't find the toilet!!! Fucccccckkkkk!!! It's gonna blow. I cant see anything. I feel for the edge of the sink and let it go!!! Better than shitting on myself. That is until I finally found the light and saw the aftermath.

I scooped about 2 lbs of soft serve ice-cream looking shit out of the sink using my hands wrapped in paper towels. Then I scrubbed the floor to get rid of the sink to toilet trail left behind. I finally sat down on the toilet and proceeded to wipe myself clean, only to have Sha bust in with her nosey ass and scream "Ewwwwwwww." The smell grossed her out. She proceeded to tell everyone at the party about my mean dump.

Caveman: Can you imagine if she came in while you were scooping shit!!!!

I got up to realize shit had gotten all on my jeans while scooping, fuck!!! These Jeans, which have been thrown in the trash.

Lucky for me, I had some sweats in the car and a spare hoodie / drawers. I told Shanga it was an emergency, to bring me my keys. He hesitated thinking I was driving home drunk. Once he dropped them off, I sprinted to the car, (Shitty jeans in hand), put them in a plastic bag and hid them inside my car's rim. Couldn't have the whip smelling like booty juice.

Went to the party in new clothes and that was that.

And they say I never blog myself. SMH.

-S-Rocka (The S stands for show...not shit.)


♥Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder♥ said...

nOrmally I do not post comments but this right here was hilarity at its finest i've heard of people being drunk missing the toilet and hitting the floor but the sink LMBO and then scooping...I cant even function lol

mandy ;) said...

I'm rethinking some things now SMH!!!!

C 4 said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.

Amir said...

In a word:


Rock said...

No one can ever say I didn't keep it 100. Wait for Tako's Untold Story Next week.

khaki la'docker said...

who would scoop shit? like, really? ugh LMAO

MyLifesAFlic said...