...You'll try aaaaanything, but you won't work haaaard!
Ain't this some shit right here. Some of you may have heard by now that Laurence Fishburne's 19 year old daughter, Montana Fishburne, has a sex tape coming out. It has already been shot, and co-stars Brian Pumper, aka "the porno guy who looks kinda like Lloyd Banks." According to his Wikipedia page, no homo, Mr. Pumper has won awards for Best Three Way Scene for "Weapons of Ass Destruction 2," Best Hardcore Anal 2007 and Best Interracial Oral 2009. Morpheus must be so proud.
First whiff of this story you might think, "When will these connected people learn to stop videotaping themselves having sex? Why don't they get it?" These would be the wrong questions, Nappy Friend. For you see, this is no leak of a sex tape. This young woman has consciously decided to delve into the slippery slobbery world of porn: as a career move.
To quote the misguided miscreant, "I've watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape by Vivid," Fishburne said in the press release." I'm hoping the same magic will work for me. I'm impatient about getting well-known and having more opportunities and this seemed like a great way to get started on it."
Sooooooooooooooooooooo many things wrong with that statement! Too many to process! Combusting!!!!
(five minutes later)
Okay I just drank some water and meditated so I could cope with the pure ignorance contained in the above quote. Now I have decided to itemize the ignorance in a form you the reader can digest:
1. Bitch you already got a famous daddy! All you gotta do is walk into an audition room and say "I'm Laurence Fishburne's daughter," and you've got work. Period. There is no work to be done! You want to launch your career, you need exposure, drop your last name on 'em. Which brings me to problem #2.
2. Her chosen porno name is "Chippy D." Aside from the fact that this is a terrible, corny ass unsexy name, you are fucking up the one thing that will get you any kind of recognition: YOUR NAME!!! No one gives a fuck about some young black girl named Chippy D fucking on camera. A ton of a lot more people care when that black girl is the daughter of an A-List actor. Which brings me to my next point.
3. Laurence Fishburne has royally fucked up as a father. I'm sorry dude, I like your work, I respect you as an actor, but you have to have seriously fucked over your relationship with your daughter really bad so as to make her decide to up and make a porno, clearly to spite you. Cuz why else would a 19-year-old on the cusp of fame just for flashing her driver's license go out of her way to declare that she is trying to make herself famous by selling her body for the entire fucking world to see? Ouch. Somewhere Mel Gibson is letting out some relieved chuckles for Larry bailing him out on the Worst Father of the Year Award.
Somewhere between here....
Things went horribly awry for these two...
"For God's sake somebody get the blue fucking pill!!!"
4. You stupid bitch, you're not supposed to ADMIT that you're releasing the porno on purpose. You're supposed to claim it leaked unexpectedly without your knowledge. You play the victim. You act classy to counter the jizz everyone remembers coating your face. You don't brag that you're making a fucking porno, to jump-start your bid at celebrity. That makes you a whore. It makes you a whore in all senses of the word. You're literally a whore because you are having sex for money. You are a fame/attention whore for stooping to anything just to make a name for yourself (a name that would be so much more valuable with a tiny modicum of effort/hard work). You are an affection whore for you are clearly and train-wreckingly crying out for male attention your father didn't give you. Whatever happened to counseling for God's sake?
5. What the hell is wrong with this generation? Everyone wants to be famous, no one wants to do any work to get that fame. I blame Facebook and Twitter for making everyone think that they and their opinions matter to anyone other than themselves and a handful of their friends (literally a handful. Those other 938 profile pics under "friends" are a lie!) I blame reality TV for pandering to no-talent shmucks and fucks, making self-obsessed, self-absorbed shallow soul-less douche bags only worse by validating their delusions: worse still, for convincing America to validate the delusional douche bags. I blame paparazzi, the internet and blogs for fueling the fire (and yes, I recognize the irony).
All of that being said, will I be watching that porno when it comes out on August 18th?
You're motherfucking right I am. I'm getting the best available download via WJA3 or Russian Charlie, then I'm closing the blinds and keeping the lotion handy. Then I'll rate it on this very blog. The bitch got a body, and she's kind of cute. Yeah it's weird cuz if you don't have to look to hard to notice the resemblance to her dad. But the titties and vagina are enough to make me forget about that. As a matter of fact, you might notice the countdown to its release on the side panel. Muahahahahaha!!!!
See? Even I'm trying to make a name for myself based off this porno! But I also take the time out to type all these words, find pics online and present it to y'all in an entertaining fashion. And I don't have to embarrass my family.
God bless America!