Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How to make a million dollars slobbing knob

With the exception of the executive summary which serves primarily as an overview and synopsis of the entire project, a Business plan can pretty much be broken down into the following components.

1. Industry/Market Analysis
2. Business Overview
3. Product or Service Description
4. Management and Staffing
5. Marketing Plan
6. Operations Plan
7. Financial Plan

Now that this has been established, think of the oldest profession in the world...don't be shy, you know exactly what the f**k I'm talking about. Pimping...well, more specifically, Ho-ing.

Now, with the exception of Heidi Fleiss who is actually a "Madam" no one in contemporary America, or the world, can name a successful hooker. Now by successful I do not mean "has a BMW" or "get's her rent paid", I'm talking "has secure investments, a nest egg, children's college savings and a mortgage paid off" successful. Still at a loss for names? Good.

This "successful hooker Dilemma" seemed to serve as proof that a.) hookers, while entrepreneurial, lacked mental capacity and intellect to put this business plan to work, or b.) they were just plain lazy. I'd opt for B. That is, until one smart, nasty, promiscuous female named Karrine "Superhead" Steffans took the business model and made it work for her. In came the cash, fame and notoriety (which is cool if you dont mind being famous for slobbin knob)...The only problem was, she fu*ked up the plan and is now in the process of losing her spot to Kat Stacks, Internet vixen-super ho, who is also fu*king up the model. SMH.

Maybe the types of girls willing to sell their bodies for money just don't have the mental capacity to make good business women...or maybe all the ones that do simply go into safer fields like porn or legalized Nevada Prostitution. Eh.

1. Industry/Market Analysis

Karrine: There are no famous hoes. I will make myself a niche market amongst successful black entertainers and athletes. Salaries are going up while the longevity of marriages and civil unions are declining. Easy. Market. Entry.

Kat: Karrine can do it, but she's a bit dark skinned and doesn't look exotic. She's also getting old and will soon lose her appeal. She has also burned bridges. Competition breeds price premiums. Easy market entry, as fresh faces demand higher prices.

2. Business Overview

Karrine: Suck dick. F**k rappers and athletes. Write a book about it.

Show: this is a tad bit old school but it worked. Karrine was also able to indirectly play the extortion role. Keep her happy, and she might forget to include the part about u wanting the Popsicle shoved up your butt.

Kat: Suck Di*k. F**k Rappers and athletes. Put them on the Internet and brag about it.

C4: While she's technologically savvy, she loses points for her marketing ability and own "desire for fame" we will discuss this later.

3. Product or Service Description

Both: Ho-ing and slobbing more knobs than a Quadriplegic opening a door.

4. Management and Staffing

Both: Neither girl has a manager as part of the brilliance of this business model is that it realizes a manager would be no more than a pimp, and that pimps are an unnecessary financial burden in a hooking world where the girls are relatively safe and free from non-venereal harm.

5. Marketing Plan

Karrine: Sell myself as the # 1 Cocksucking champ. Success!!!!

Kat: Sell myself as the Chick who has f**ked the most rappers and make myself famous! Epic Fail.

Wja3: Due to the fact that rappers and athletes are getting stupider and the precedent of everyone exposed in the SuperHead book's wives not leaving them, they are still compelled to see what all their rapper friends are talking about. They feel the need to see if shes worth all the hype. Not as smart of a management tactic as Steffan's but moderately successful.

6. Operations Plan

Both: Get a reputation in small circles of elite athletes thereby gaining clientele on a referral basis.

Kat: Make them pay actual cash money for sex, while having no shame in your game. Instantly record them and upload proof on the Internet. Brilliant.

Karrine: Make them buy you gifts, all the while attempting to secure extra funds by inherent blackmail. Not a bad idea.

7. Financial Plan

Kat: Gets her money up front. This is much better as shown by the present value vs. future worth of one dollar per period (eww.) This does lead to people calling you an actual "hooker" rather than a groupie. Why have pride? Guys know its essentially the same thing.

Karrine: Chose to take her earnings in gifts and potential blackmail cash payouts. While it worked for her, Kat had the ability to simply portray herself as a hooker as a direct result of superhead (Steffans) making this type of behavior acceptable. Hindsight, of course, is 20-20.

Now you can all see the potential for success evident in both these similar, yet uniquely executed plans. My intent is not to show why one is better than the other, but why they both ultimately failed. Rather than simply execute the plan and hoard money like Uncle Scrooge McDuck, these women fell into the trap of believing their own hype.
What happened to Kat and Steffans, similar to a fat chick who hangs around hot girls, was that they forgot that they were not actually rich, famous and or important. The two began forgetting that without morally questionable ballers throwing pipe in them 24-7, they are as forgetable as the TV Show Homeboys in Outerspace. Once these girls let their egos get involved, this set them up in vulnerable positions...for example, in a profession which relies on a.) some degree of confidentiality and b.) client referral you CANNOT make your clients feel uncomfortable by broadcasting their questionable behavior to the world. You also CANNOT let your feelings get involved and talk shit about them to the media because you feel "slighted" or "played."

Once this happens, you're sperm shooting cash cows will no longer fuck you, or fuck with you.

For instance, Kat stacks, this past week, twittered some flirty shit to Married NBA Star Carmello Anthony who is now in a heap of shit for putting a 5,000 bounty on her head to any goon who would fuck her up and video tape it. Not a good look Kat...or Melo.

I cant say I feel sorry for either woman, though I do applaud them for being 2 women brave enough to try and capitalize on the worlds oldest profession. One day someone will get it right, but for now...It will have to suffice to say that these two broads should've bought one last Mercedes Benz and paid for one more community college class in business. SMH.


1 comment:

Alovelydai said...

"Once this happens, you're sperm shooting cash cows will no longer fuck you, or fuck with you."

The only business plan needed is shut the eff up. I'm sure there are plenty lesser known better paid hoes out there with retracting muzzles over their mouths. Note: they need to be able to retract b/c well...you know...