Thursday, August 5, 2010

African Konvict Fragrance! Ulgxh!

ALERT!

Our regularly scheduled post has been interrupted for our NappyHeaded Ghetto Quote of the Week. This one comes directly from 149th St. in Harlem, overheard by the Friendly Neighborhood BlogFaceKillah C4, in passing. One hood rat is speaking with emphasis to another, and all I caught was this:

"I lost my virginity to him in the 7th grade. He swelled my pussy up so fat, I ain't never seen my pussy that swoll' in my life!"


We now return to our regularly scheduled blog.


I'm in midtown eating a chicken pesto sandwich, waiting for my bus to Bmore, when I look out the window and notice a big ass billboard with Akon on it. This nigga got his own cologne: Konvict. The slogan was "Break Free and Live Life." Word, nigga? Who the hell is buying that? Who is saying to himself, "Yo I wanna smell like a convict. Matter of fact, I wanna smell like Akon, no homo." (cuz u know said nigga would not forget to say no homo, even in his head)



Fuuuuuuck dat!!! Akon is African. No one wants to smell African!!! The first thing that comes to mind when you think of smelling an African is that discomforting aggressively pungent musk of sweaty nutsack and armpits virgin to the touch of anti-perspirant. Yeah I know I'm fucked up, but I got more Africa-cred than 95% of readers so come see me if you got a problem after you take a shower with black soap, ya peazy bastard!


So yeah, are cats out there really on some, yeah I'm rockin this Akon shit so I can smell like Senegal and shit, lol. Like, aside from the nasally offensive immigrants previously mentioned, who else is on Akon's jock like that? Seriously ponder that. The answer may shock you.

Think for five.

Done?

Sure?

For real for real?!

Okay. The answer to "who follows Akon's trends right now?" is:

Damn near everybody.

Word. I know what you're thinking. "How is that dude even relevant? I can't even remember the last track he released."

Two reasons:

1. T-Pain

2. Lady Gaga

Both Akon discoveries signed to his label, both really pushing the musical market right now. I won't spend too much time on Gaga cuz chances are you probably heard her on your radio thrice already today, so no need to recap her current pop influence. She's everywhere like the Verizon man.

Now T-Pain of course has his own app on the iPhone that is a fuckin NappyHeaded favorite, and took his neo-Nate-Dogg talents so far that auto-tune became an epidemic. Kanye did a whole album in it, rappers who never used it before started to, Jay-Z had to step in and declare war against it. Nevertheless, all he does is win win win no matter what. Y'all faithful readers may remember the True Hollywood Story from last year.

But think about the SNL appearances, the apps, the ten minute music videos with Beyonce, the award show performances. Think about the fact that every time you see T-Pain and/or Lady Gaga, Akon is getting paid.

Damn, that's raw. He's like the African Diddy who actually allows his artists to succeed while he fades into the background. He took pseudo-singing and made it more bankable than rapping.

Just ask Drake. Don't believe him, ask the Dream. "Eh!" is the most successful sound in black music! Don't believe me still? Ask Rihanna.

Matter of fact, let me steal a page from WJA3 and give a quick rank on the top three pseudo-singers in the game:

1. Drake
2. Rihanna


3. The Dream

Yup. All them niggas is STACKIN' CHIPS!

So maybe there is a good reason to go cop that Konvict cologne. Just won't see me wearing that wack shit I ain't dickriding nobody, feel me?

C4 2 Ya Door

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You would wear the cologne if it was named after some gay actor like Michel Clark Dunkin.

C4 said...

I know that was you Show Rock! Don't try to hate anonymously cuz you would wear the scent of Lil Wayne's balls if you could, no homo. For the record "Duncan" is a person's name and "Dunkin" is a popular doughnut chain. Damn I want some doughnuts now. And no I still wouldn't wear no actor's cologne!

Rock said...

Damn you C4...my Plot has been discovered!

Elliott said...

So you are going to judge a cologne based purely on the name and who makes it rather than the smell? Your post is mad racist. Go to Macy's take a whiff. Then let us know if it smells like testicles.