Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Lindsay Lohan's Going To Jail Today!
Yes! Thank God! Lindsay is finally heading to the bing, today, and it looks like there's nothing at all she can do to avoid it, so this post won't be premature and I won't have to write an angry retraction/reaction to her getting off the hook sometime later. I'm really happy about this. I can't wait for her to do some time! Am I a dick for that? Maybe. But I got my reasons, and here we go.
First and foremost, Lindsay Lohan deserves to be incarcerated for a little while, and she needs to be, quite frankly. More on the second point in a minute. More importantly for the top of this post, she DESERVES to be going to jail. If Lindsay Lohan did not get sentenced to 90 days in jail, I would have lost the remaining 10% of faith that justice exists in America. Like, seriously. This bitch, more than any other celebrity who hasn't committed a stupid-heinous major crime, has done more to go out of her way to get herself locked up without actually getting locked up than anyone since the days when Robert Downey Jr. was famously off the wagon.
She's been fired from movies,multiple DUI's in which she was also caught with cocaine, three stints in rehab, an appendix surgery, she's an asthmatic chain-smoker, and she is far more known for having a train wreck of a young adult life than for being a very talented, promising and already accomplished actress. Let's not even mention how she got punched in the face at her birthday party, and has more online photos looking trashed than IMDB credits at this point. Speaking of IMDb, her popularity rating went down 89% this week. Yikes.
Back in the day....
Lindsay was doing dumb shit like fucking with her sobriety ankle bracelet so it wouldn't read correctly, skipping alcohol rehab classes all crazy, and just behaving like an entitled, spoiled, bratty, shitty bitch.
If I were describing a poor black person who did half of the things that she did above, that person would be in jail for at least three years behind cocaine possession, DUI and wreckless endangerment, with the sentence being harsher because of the repeat offenses. Now I know full and well being rich and being white simultaneously buy one a lot of credit in the judicial system, but this bitch has maxed out her platinum card and made no payments for years! With zero remorse! And she had the nerve to think she'd just get off again thanks to the awesome lawyering her fame and fortune has been able to afford her. FUUUUUUUNK DAT!
Judge Marsha Revel punked Lindsay so hard she started one of the best and most well-documented eruptions of public ugly crying ever caught on camera. Let's see the footage, no?
How did we arrive here? How did we go from critical acclaim, people like Meryl Streep saying "She's in command of the art form" and "completely, visibly living in front of the camera," classics by the time she was 17, to a jail sentence?
Well it starts with her parents winning the Gary Coleman Award for Ain't Shit Parents of the Decade. They are irresponsible fame whores who have cashed in on their daughter's fame and done dumb shit like release parent-child convos on Twitter, mug for sites like TMZ, and actually participate in the partying and lifestyle that turned their famous daughter into an unemployable addict. Bravo. It takes true skill, talent, and perseverance to fuck up on such a grand scale. Lohans, I salute you for your achievements in failure.
Now the justice system has to pick up the slack for bad parenting, just like with poor black people! Yes!
I remember back in college when Showrocka worked at the Penn video rental spot, where he convinced me to sit and watch Mean Girls during his shift, cuz "no homo it's actually really good." He was right, no homo. She was really good in it. And she was the best jail bait since Britney Spears! Lindsay never looked or performed better than when she did at 17, no R. Kels. She went on to fuck up. Her face, her body, her career.
Saddest part is she still doesn't get it, ya know? She's in the courtroom writing "F-k U" to the judge on her nails, she's saying the judge is mean and has it out for her, she's scrambling down to the wire to find a new lawyer because her lawyer resigned. NEWS UPDATE: famous OJ lawyer Robert Shapiro QUIT yesterday as Lindsay's counsel, one day before she has to report to jail. Without representation, she's definitely going.
90 day sentence. She'll serve 22 days. It won't be Oz in that place. I'm sure her bid will be easier than Weezy's, but I hope it's enough of a wake-up call to her that it takes her off the path of death and destruction she's headed towards.