Monday, July 26, 2010

C4's Subway Etiquette Rules

This one goes out to all our nappyheaded New York fans out there, reading this shortly after another classic summer Monday commute to work. Bros and Sis's in Philly, DC and Boston might relate too, and if we have any readers in San Francisco, God bless you.

It's Monday. It's July. You rode the subway this morning. It was hot an overcrowded, no matter which line you ride. If you ride the A train, God bless your heart for resisting the urge to commit homicide five days a week. You see, Nappy Non-NYers, you've got to understand that when it's hot outside, it's a good 10-15 degrees hotter on the subway platform. If you've got on a shirt and tie, that button-up will have pit-stains by the time you arrive at work, and it blows to have pit stains at 8:30am.

With all the potential pitfalls, dangers and mishaps that can occur when riding the subway at any time, there must be rules and regulations to this shit. These are the ones I live by, cuz that's how i roll. Holla at me...

1. Chivalry Rules: Strict Adherence

Always give up your seat to people who are old as fuck, visibly pregnant, or have an injury that requires a crutch/cane/etc.

Everyone else, fuck em. Seriously. You worked hard to get that much-coveted rush-hour seat. Why should some johnny/jenny-come-lately reap your rewards? They can eat a dick. Some women think that their vagina entitles them to your seat. They can eat a dick. Some women with a few gray hairs and wrinkles think that entitles them to your seat. They can eat a wrinkled dick with gray pubes. God gave all you bitches legs like me. If you are able-bodied, you can stand. You live in NYC, you're used to it. I'm not crawling back up into that sweaty hell of armpits holding guard rails and morning breath just to make you feel good. I'll stare a bitch in the face and return to my free copy of AM New York without batting an eye.

2. Never Pay The "Homeless"

Ever. Cuz they smell your giving nature and will seek your bleeding heart out. They will stare you in the face, and try to scare you into giving them some change with their funk, spittle, crazy eyes and/or foul breath. Most stories, total bullshit. It takes a lot of time to figure out who is legit and who is not. 9 times out of 10 though, this is someone who simply works this particular crowd from time to time. The funnier the pitch, the less likely they need the cash.

3. Never Ever Buy The Candy From The Kids... Unless You Really Want Some Candy

Straight up, those kids are banking more than anybody hustling on the subway. That shit is straight profit. I personally like their honesty. They let you know that they "are not selling candy for no basketball team" and that is true. These lil niggas got on fresher kicks and gear than I ever do when I see them, and that makes me hate them a little bit. But sometimes you really just want a Snickers or an M&M Peanut (which for some reason they ALWAYS have) so you pay the $1. Any more than that, fuck em. You can get that shit at Duane Reade. But at least there's no tax or change involved when you buy it on the subway.

4. Performer Payouts

Only give if you really feel entertained. If you didn't welcome it or don't feel better from this drum circle, breakdance routine or Mexican guitar duo, keep it moving.

5. If It's Rush Hour and One Car Ain't Packed, There's a Good Reason.

That one car is usually afflicted by one of the following:

-The Hot Car: You know what I'm talking about. That one subway car in which the A/C don't work. If it's rush hour, chances are the car with A/C is just as hot due to the body heat. If it's not rush hour, take into account the length of your commute, whether or not you'll have to stand, etc. It may or may not be worth it.

-Extremely Smelly Homeless Person: Both times I have rushed into a car thinking I found a jackpot seat, I was quickly awakened by the reality that there was a sleeping rider who had shit him/herself and it was running down their leg. This smells and looks disgusting. Sometimes it could be someone who recently threw up or someone with mad plastic bags that surround them fora three-ft radius.

6. Fear Not of the Loud Crazy Person...Unless You See A Weapon

9 times out of 10 that nutty bastard will leave your area after one stop. The other time, fear for your fucking life. Once I was on the C Train at West 4th St and was in the midst of what I thought was a typical loud crazy nigga. Then he pulled out a fuckin' Crocodile Dundee "That's not a knife, this is a knife" knife and started waving it around. I remained calm and still until the train stopped, then I got the fuck off that train and waited for the next one. He probably didn't kill anyone, but why find out the hard way. One of my main life rules period is "don't get stabbed." I can't risk such a major violation.

7. Always Keep A Book and an iPod on you.

The iPod shuts out the noise and keeps you entertained. The book is the most engrossing and ride-shortening. Both are great excuses to avoid pan-handlers, would-be seat-askers, salesmen and subway evangelists alike. These are your weapons in the war against wackness.

I'm C4, and I approve this message.


ChoColAte KiSs said...

I experienced all of the above and its SAAAD, (sometimes funny)

THE WOORST situation to be in is the smelly car, you walk in all happy,wondering why its rush hour and the cars empty then the scent hits you and you realize you gotta move and stand like the rest of em...SMH...NOW i know not to enter an empty rush hour car...but its funny watching people go in after you ...LMAO

GorgeousPuddin said...

Okay this whole post is straight hilarity!!!! We have the BART here in Cali and some of the same scenarios. However I literally almost died laughing @ he pulled out a fuckin' Crocodile Dundee "That's not a knife, this is a knife". Boy stop TOO FUNNY!

The Anonymous Anomaly said...

Try this one, because the subway IS a CIRCUS!!!