It was a very sad Memorial Day Weekend in the acting world. Gary Coleman died, and that hit pretty close to home: and so did Dennis Hopper. A legendary Russian actor, director, and teacher of your friendly neighborhood Blog Killah also passed away. RIP Roman Kozak, you are loved, revered, and missed by many.
C4's NappyHeaded Sorrow seemed inescapable.
But then the unthinkable happened, and the ugly, vile and grotesque rumors circulating the blogosphere were confirmed by semi-reputable news outlets such as CNN, and men everywhere died a little on the inside: black men a little more because we were on our way out sooner anyway.
Alicia Keys is pregnant, and the bastard...I mean baby, belongs to Swizz Beatz.
Ain't dat a bitch.
All our mulatto hopes and dreams dashed against a rock by a balding nigga who makes annoyingly repetitive beats with his own voice on the hook. Daaaamn, daaaaaamn, DAAAAAMN!!!
I managed to heal and work through the Beyonce situation, but now this?! This is too much. Our beige big-booty beauty, our crooning octaroon, our light-skinned, good hair tight body wit da fat pum-pum has been injected with lame man-seed.
Some of you are out there saying stuff like, "nigga why you mad? YOU wasn't gonna smash Alicia Keys! YOU wasn't gonna wife her nigga who you foolin'?""
Fukk up hater.
I knew that already, clearly. Today we mourn the death of an ideal. We mourn the last of the classy pretty girls who we aspire to making sweet love to sans condom, painting betwixt her sugar walls the white paint of our futures, and maybe -- just maybe -- even placing an unremoveable ring on her appropriate finger.
Alicia Keys was the dream girl. She was the woman so fine, if anyone said anything bad about her, niggas would jump up and defend her like a family member. I personally think her new music is bland, repetitive and over-emotional, and am not afraid to admit this.
My honesty has almost gotten me in fist fights with my closest friends, including Showrocka the Blog Monsta, who just last week on this very blog officially affirmed her status as finer than a SIBE. She is a SESIBE in his eyes. And as gay as I find it that he would let some other nigga (in this case Swizz Beatz) Skeet In her Butt and he'll still Eat it, it is a testament to Alicia's power.
For ten years men around the world have been in love, and so have lesbians hoping and praying that those beaded cornrows of her teen years signified a preference for a carpet buffet (fcuk a munch!).
Why all the hoopla? What made her different from all the other hot starlets, video girls and the like? The talent. She's intelligent, she writes songs, she plays piano. She's always been more than just a big butt and a smile, and we loved that. She's got those wifey qualities. She's the type of girl who seemingly has it all -- looks, brains, talent.
You'd put a seed in her belly too. So I guess you can't really blame Swizz Beatz for doing what any of us in the same situation would do. We all just wished it would be some dude you figure, I wasn't gonna beat him for it anyway. Jay-Z nabbing Beyonce, it's Jay-Z. He's arguably the biggest rap star of all time. Ugly as sin but I get the appeal. And he at least had the decency to marry Beyonce first, and she is still not pregnant so haters around the world can wish for divorce.
Alicia pregnant by Swizz tho? Makes you feel like "damn for all that she might as well been fuckin wit me!" Now that pum-pum, which you know was as tight and wet as a fist under water, will heretofore hang like sleeve of wizard. Our ideal has gone out like so many a diamond in the ghetto rough, impregnated by a lesser being, ruining her cooch forever, leaving the rest of the world to wonder, "what if?"
All we can say now, as we collectively try sleeping with a broken heart, is a prayer of mourning and desire for kegel resurrection, in the style of the "deceased."
"So tonight! I'm gonna find a way to make it, without you, toniiiiight!! I'm gonna find a way to maaake it with-out youuuuuu. I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had, tooooniiight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you...."
Alicia Keys' Vagina
Once More 2 Ya Door,