Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Vaginal Eulogy: Alicia Keys

It was a very sad Memorial Day Weekend in the acting world. Gary Coleman died, and that hit pretty close to home: and so did Dennis Hopper. A legendary Russian actor, director, and teacher of your friendly neighborhood Blog Killah also passed away. RIP Roman Kozak, you are loved, revered, and missed by many.

C4's NappyHeaded Sorrow seemed inescapable.

But then the unthinkable happened, and the ugly, vile and grotesque rumors circulating the blogosphere were confirmed by semi-reputable news outlets such as CNN, and men everywhere died a little on the inside: black men a little more because we were on our way out sooner anyway.

Alicia Keys is pregnant, and the bastard...I mean baby, belongs to Swizz Beatz.

Ain't dat a bitch.

All our mulatto hopes and dreams dashed against a rock by a balding nigga who makes annoyingly repetitive beats with his own voice on the hook. Daaaamn, daaaaaamn, DAAAAAMN!!!

I managed to heal and work through the Beyonce situation, but now this?! This is too much. Our beige big-booty beauty, our crooning octaroon, our light-skinned, good hair tight body wit da fat pum-pum has been injected with lame man-seed.

Some of you are out there saying stuff like, "nigga why you mad? YOU wasn't gonna smash Alicia Keys! YOU wasn't gonna wife her nigga who you foolin'?""

Fukk up hater.

I knew that already, clearly. Today we mourn the death of an ideal. We mourn the last of the classy pretty girls who we aspire to making sweet love to sans condom, painting betwixt her sugar walls the white paint of our futures, and maybe -- just maybe -- even placing an unremoveable ring on her appropriate finger.

Alicia Keys was the dream girl. She was the woman so fine, if anyone said anything bad about her, niggas would jump up and defend her like a family member. I personally think her new music is bland, repetitive and over-emotional, and am not afraid to admit this.

My honesty has almost gotten me in fist fights with my closest friends, including Showrocka the Blog Monsta, who just last week on this very blog officially affirmed her status as finer than a SIBE. She is a SESIBE in his eyes. And as gay as I find it that he would let some other nigga (in this case Swizz Beatz) Skeet In her Butt and he'll still Eat it, it is a testament to Alicia's power.

For ten years men around the world have been in love, and so have lesbians hoping and praying that those beaded cornrows of her teen years signified a preference for a carpet buffet (fcuk a munch!).

Why all the hoopla? What made her different from all the other hot starlets, video girls and the like? The talent. She's intelligent, she writes songs, she plays piano. She's always been more than just a big butt and a smile, and we loved that. She's got those wifey qualities. She's the type of girl who seemingly has it all -- looks, brains, talent.

You'd put a seed in her belly too. So I guess you can't really blame Swizz Beatz for doing what any of us in the same situation would do. We all just wished it would be some dude you figure, I wasn't gonna beat him for it anyway. Jay-Z nabbing Beyonce, it's Jay-Z. He's arguably the biggest rap star of all time. Ugly as sin but I get the appeal. And he at least had the decency to marry Beyonce first, and she is still not pregnant so haters around the world can wish for divorce.

Alicia pregnant by Swizz tho? Makes you feel like "damn for all that she might as well been fuckin wit me!" Now that pum-pum, which you know was as tight and wet as a fist under water, will heretofore hang like sleeve of wizard. Our ideal has gone out like so many a diamond in the ghetto rough, impregnated by a lesser being, ruining her cooch forever, leaving the rest of the world to wonder, "what if?"

All we can say now, as we collectively try sleeping with a broken heart, is a prayer of mourning and desire for kegel resurrection, in the style of the "deceased."

"So tonight! I'm gonna find a way to make it, without you, toniiiiight!! I'm gonna find a way to maaake it with-out youuuuuu. I'm gonna hold on to the times that we had, tooooniiight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you...."

Alicia Keys' Vagina

Once More 2 Ya Door,


khaki la'docker said...

LMAO... i really felt the raw emotion while reading this.

It'll be OK, C4, it'll be OK.

I have to ask this question to Tako though: If Swizzy ended up doing the same shit to her that he did to Mashonda causing Ms. Superwoman Keys to end up as "just another baby mama", would you date her or does she lose her Sesibe status because of Swizzy's potent baby batter? Of course, this is assuming that she still had lower standards than what's expected.

Honest answer please...

Anonymous said...

Yo son...I mean Khaki...You can't lose sesibe status.

Well, I guess you could lose it if you get old, fat or do crack. Really though? To get called a sesibe means you have the timeless beauty which will never fade with age (i.e. Halle, Vivica and Stacey) and which makes all atrocious sins forgivable.

You sold my mom dukes crack? Gave my Bff the's fuc*ked up. But you're still my boo.

Actually, the HIV, AIDS and the Herp are only Sesibe Deal Breakers.


Rock said...

I bet you my heart Rosie Perez would never do no shit like this.

She would never break up a Marriage either.

In a break-up, there's always someone else. Words to live by.

I'd still smash though, who am I kidding. I aint that richeous.

khaki la'docker said...

@Tak-Nasty - 1st- hooray for hetero name change!

2nd I dont even think you answered the whole question- so, I'll take that as a 'yes, you would date her'.

and 3rd- you have seen Vivica lately, right???? We'll pretend that you confused Vivica with Lisa Raye.

The A2K-10 Virus said...

Trufully Alicia is aight at best. Not sayin I don't understand why some niggas peel off on another nigga for sayin ill about her, but she has pretty much been the bane of existence for soulful singers like India.Arie.

Remember this black ass (Uncle Ruckus voice) songtress who sang hotness like "I Am Not My Hair" expressing her individuality as not only a black woman, but a proud dark black African American. (Yes we came from Afrika, not Roscoe's Chicken And Waffles alley ways.

Because of this over-obsession with light skinned complexion niggas and bitches of a few years ago, India got snubbed of a Grammy like 5 years running (a few years back, don't quote the niggy) because she was not "light-skinned attractive" like Alicia or singing about neutral themes that did not stir up any problems to the mass media and pop culture(aka White America who runs the music industry does not want to hear anything along the lines of racial identity, black, and women [in any order or assortment] to go along for that matter. Hence no soup for Ms. (DOT)Arie

Now I don't know the Alicia catalogue like that, but I'd imagine her shit is no where along the lines as progressive or edgy like Arie or Badu (although I'd hate to call Arie's music edgy, cuz it wasnt, just not the subject matter people wanted to hear). Nevertheless India can sing, writes hotness music, probably plays some sort of Afrikan ass or voo-doo instrument and is commercial, so to speak. Why couldn't she had gotten a grammy back then. (She may have since I last checked though.)

Now this reflection would have been more relevant a few years back, but as I see it now, it's over for that light-skinned shit

MY pussy rate is sky high, meanwhile Tiger's in "treatment," Alicia is fuckin Swizz Bunghole, and the rest of the light-skinn-ed delegation has gone by the wayside like Lil Zhane.

So trying to tie in this diatribe of whatever to todays post, Alicia aint got shit on my Eva Mendes. (What you thought I was gonna mentioned some dark ass Gabrielle Union chick as my number 1? Child, Please)

I would eat EVA MENDES' butthole out after she contracted dysentery and slurp her cholera-laced secretory, watery stool through a suction cup as she vomited shigella and salmonella-containing chorizos up my nasopharengeal feeding tube.

Other than that, Fuck Light Skinned niggas. They left us for dead in the 90's. Shit kick these niggas while they down, cuz they werent tryna let us eat when shit was vice versa. Fuck a Terrence Howard War Machine! DON CHEADLE in this NIGGA!

In Callin Me, Callin Me, Callin Me, Say My Name! (is Lil Zhane still alive?)

The A2K-10 Virus
Its Dark, and Hell is Not

Akira said...

LOL at all these comments.