Monday, June 28, 2010

C4's BET Awards Diary




The BET Awards aired last night as I am sure most of you are aware. I normally rebuke this network and all its deeds, but once a year for this award show I renew my n-word vows and allow myself to be entertained. This time though, I kept a running diary of my thoughts, just for y'all. Thank me later, no Aubrey. Let's hit the play-by-play, shall we?

0:04
Strong start with Kanye's set. Shit was ill. Set the bar high. Nigga had the whole environment behind him. Biblical. Sphinx head chain is enormous, I suppose to match his ego. It's like the T-Pain Big Ass Chain chain but with something on it, hung down past his belt. No homo

0:05
Taking way too long announcing the celebs here tonight. I'm sick of MC Lyte's voice as the voice-over person, I'm cool if I never hear it again. I say hire Fantasia and drink every time she can't read the script.

0:08

Queen Latifah's opening jokes were actually pretty funny but the audience was not mentally ready for witty humor cuz they watch this network and expect less. The camera man or editor fucked up a very funny "all these ppl declined to host that's why I'm here" joke by speeding through the prompter screen and not zooming in.

Hilarious Usher-Chaka khan joke! QL said if she's post-menopause then he gets the draws! I like her more now.

QL has lost weight! Not enough though to pull off singing that Drake bit making fun of his crippled-ness last year.

TI and his ugly ass wife are here.
Ludacris was there too. Fuck Luda.

Jada Pinkett still looks like she did in '93, even the hair, and she's announcing the Best Female R&B award.
0:15

How did Melanie Fiona get in the nominations? Who the fuck is she even? If you have VH1 Soul you'll see her video where she's singing slow and epic and soulful about her man while standing on the highway. It's not a good song. I'm as neo soul as the next man but come the fuck on.
Now Alicia keys getting the fucking award. Fuck BET or throwing her pregnancy in my face. Fuck Swizz Beatz baby, fuck her feminist hippy mother earth Africa eternal essence acceptance speech too.

0:18

Usher performing There Goes My Baby. Nigga in all white like he just got baptized then went to the club. Bigups for performing your classiest single instead of Little Freak or OMG or Daddys Home. Cool ass smoky theme no homo. Classic style performance. Behind the mic, cool lights. Someone took notes from Maxwell last year no homo. String section. Nice touch. This performance was good enough for ABC. I'd say no disrespect to BET but I do mean disrespect.

Mike Epps is an asshole. "This is Precious' jacket by the way." LOL. Cheap one min of standup.

0:24

There's a whole category for Best Female Rapper? Who the fuck are all these female rappers??!?!?!? The nominees:
Ester Dean - WHO?!?! No clue who she is.
Lil Kim - Is she still making music?
Nicki Minaj - Obviously gonna win
Rasheeda - WHO?!?! Honestly never heard of her.
Trina - Is she still making music? Name her new single. Seriously.

This was a fucking excuse to give Nicki minaj an award so we could see her hair. Whose hand is she holding? This bitch is nuts. She speaks so well! I mean that. Heartfelt thanks to Wayne, I ain't mad at it. She's really grateful for where she is. Okay she needs to shut up now. Cue the music. Skeerrrtrtt!!! "This is for women"?! Really? This.

Yikes.

0:34
Shame on BET for making the cast of the Game pimp the upcoming acts instead of hiring some video editors and a voice over guy. They cut every corner. That's why I watch.

Q Lat rocking Nets jersey. It ain't subliminal.

TI performing now with pyrotechnics. And video of some too. Yo TI is the most productive nigga in between bids I have ever seen. Imagine where he'd be if he were free the whole time.

"Will Smith's daughter look crazy. Can't believe her parents let her cut her hair like that." - Jazzy Jen

Why rappers always get Travis Barker to play drums? Questlove ain't good enough no more? And how did Barker stay famous while Blink 182 faded away? Amazing. They need his agent.

Brought Larenz Tate from the dead for the annual failed attempt at recreating a hood classic movie moment. This year it was Love Jones, last year it was Baby Boy.

Best Male Hip Hop

B.o.b
Drake
Fab
Hov
Luda. Fuck Luda.

No surprise Drake wins, bringing the young money brigade of funny looking hair niggas. Heartfelt thanks to Weezy again. He must pay them what he owe.

0:44

What does this 13 year old girl have to sing Alicia Keys for? Cuz it's her birthday? Her daddy must be an exec. She took all her time too singing all slow. I peeped Latifah telling her to wrap it up on the sly. Hilarious.

More Alicia Keys. Fuck her. There's an ice box where my heart used to be. They all on her nuts now listing her hits like she's getting a lifetime achievement award.
Is this bitch doing a medley? Fuck that. Why she start with No One? I hate that song. My dad likes it. I lost a tiny bit of respect for him.

They clearly told camera man to pan away from the belly. This is wack. You're not cool enough for this shit. You only been out ten years. This ADD is what makes kids think soulja boy can rap. Who is this fat bitch on stage with her? She sing gospel? Kim Burrell? I don't know.

You can tell Alicia's pregnant though. She's looking kinda like a fat ass, not like a woman with a fat ass.

"She's making me nervous with her ankles. They look like they'll twist and she's gonna fall."
Keri Hilson looks different: "we gon' get it in" performs bmore artist. R&b is becoming beyond coontastic.

President of Harlem Children Zone getting an award. Fuck Harlem Children Zone. I thought I was gonna get a break from writing. I taught an SAT class there, it was the most depressing shit I ever did. "I spoke with an employee there the other day, they don't pay their employees shit."
T.I. to QL in her "Set It Off" character: "ey Cleo wasup. I thought they shot you." Funny bit joking about guns at an award show. That shit wasn't funny to him last year tho....

B.o.b. / Eminem performance


B.o.b. Got on a sailor hat. Ew nigga u gay. Cool that he plays piano though but didn't sit behind it all day like Alicia Keys, he is a rapper still. Good stage presence though. I can't fuck wit his album tho too emotional. Eminem's mic is too low. How they get vocal doubled live? Nice. Nice job by Keyshia Cole too, although her and Nicki are causing the Great Depression of Black Hair.

Somehow you can tell when the audience is engaged while an artist is performing. Now is one of those times. Oh look a choir during "Not Afraid." No one's done that at an award show before. Sike! Boo honky boo.

Monica looks like a video game character. Like on Tekken 8 or some shit. I think she gets good TV reception with that outfit. Classy move bringing out Deniece Williams to acknowledge that she jacked her new song from a better song from the '80s. Not so classy move from Deniece showing off her 50 y/o titties.

Oh shit those aren't pants Monica's wearing, they're leggings.

Strongest category yet, Best Collab.

Forever
Say ah
Empire state of mind***
successful

Dirty Money Performance

Too much fog can't see diddy. Dirty money undistinguishable from backup dancers. This is why they'll be broke next year.
They OD'd on fog, and I'm having a seizure from the strobe. I could neither see nor hear Nicki if not for the red hair. I feel like she would've been interesting to watch.

1:25
What the hell going on with Jermaine Jackson's head?! LOL! He never disappoints.
Oh shit, Chris Brown is doing the tribute we all wanted to see last year. Way to record a version of a song then lip-sync it. This might be his comeback! THIS SHIT IS CRAAAAZY! He might be back. Oh wait now he's crying. Oh God he can't go on. Get it together nigga! I buy the tears though. I get it. He couldn't perform there last year cuz he beat his bitch down, and that villification probably burned him deep, no homo. This is like his redemption, he even did "Man In The Mirror." Those weren't fake Usher at MJ's funeral tears, those were ugly tears. Welcome back Chris. You're more talented than Rihanna anyway.



"Was that Rihanna? Nah guess that was Cassie's ass. They all starting to look alike." - Jazzy Jen

"if I had no cellulite big breasts and pockets with..." the quotes from the music matters artists are classic.

QL self fish hops while meathopping Drake before he performs. His set was straight. Jeezy was ok too.

1:50

Way to learn the value of the seven second delay. No curse word snafus like last years young money fiasco.

Male R&B Award

Trey Songz***
Raheem DeVaughn
Usher
Maxwell

Trey is the first artist to begin with "first off I'd like to thank my lord and savior Jesus Christ" at 1:59, setting a record for a black awards show as the latest someone did that. His mom is a Milf. She fine as a mufucka. Like if she were LeBron's mom, my name would be Delonte West.


El DeBarge is performing, oh shit! And he's ILL! El debarge still got it. He looks like the Fons now but his voice right now sounds like the CD. Goddamn. Best performance of the night along with Chris Breezy. How old is he? He's shitting on my generation and the one after it. And he's providing no toilet paper. Lost a lil steam by "rhythm of the night." Shouldn't have danced with that woman while singing.


Todd Bridges honoring the dead, specifically Gary Coleman. Poor Arnold never got a bit of respect in his life. Hopefully he's somewhere whooping ass and taking names.

Tyrese knows how to do a fcuking tribute! He's handling his Pendergrass right now no homo. Now some chick in the audience is holding up her pink panties while he's singing. Bitxh don't hold the panties up u gotta throw them!

I ain't texting these niggas for Haiti!!! Y'all fooled too many niggas with Yele. Fast forward thru gospel performance cuz I can.

2:00
I don't care about what John Legend does in Tanzania either, even though I lived there in infancy. The show is boring now.

Just when I was gonna fast forward thru QL's Cover Girl U-N-I-T-Y Award for teens I went
Ohhhhshiiiiiiiit!!!!!!

Five winners. On the left the pretty ebony Nubian with Afro. Next is Weavealicious Brown followed by Redbone With Fat Ass and Mulatto Chick. Next to her is a hippo in a dress. This bitch is WIDE. Like wider than the other four combined. Bitch is bigger than Precious. And Mo'Nique. Cmon son. Cover Girl??? Latifah exposing her fat girl bias.

The rest of the show was pretty tame as I got bored and tired of typing on my phone. Trey Songz had a good performance of Yo Side of the Bed, which I always thought was Prince-ish in style. He confirmed my feelings by following it up with a weird verse of Purple Rain. He needs to control his vibrado more sometimes it sounds like he's singing with Parkinson's Disease.

Prince of course got the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Awesome Prince tribute performances by our friend Janelle Monae doing Let's Go Crazy, a jazz artist named Esperanza Spalding (yeah I googled that I ain't know who she was neither) doing , Alicia Keys doing Until The End of Time, and Patti LaBelle murking Purple Rain. Come to find out, Prince hand-picked these artists. That's cool as shit. See niggas? Even Prince is a Janelle Monae fan. OK I'm done fish-hopping.




And then the DVR cut off cuz the show went over three hours. I only saw a snippet of All I Do Is Win being performed, but I'm cool with not seeing Khaled. All in all a good show. They played to their strengths, with maaaaad performances and only like 5 awards given out to limit the amount of time coons could speak.

See you next year BET.

C4

3 comments:

Q Double said...

Thanks for that re-cap. Cuz I damn sure don't watch B.E.T. at all anymore. Just shows I ain't miss shit.

http://bit.ly/bRVqiQ

check out my Letter to B.E.T.

Anonymous said...

C4 you are officially the funniest nappyheaded bro. You got it all right except for Keisha Cole. She was horrible and murdered one of my favorite hooks right now. Oh also no commentary on Nicki Minaj lipsynching all her raps? I'm guessing she can't do those silly, annoying voices too well live.

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