And the Wack In The Sack Punishment of the Year goes to...
Tue May 4, 2010.
A Hudson woman was arrested early Tuesday, accused of stabbing her common-law husband because she was unhappy with his performance in the bedroom, an arrest report stated. Hudson Police officers were called around 1 a.m. Tuesday to the Ted Trout Drive home Michelle Thomas, 26, shared with the man.
The man told police Thomas became angry with him when she was not satisfied by a sexual encounter the two shared just before the incident, the report stated. He said she grabbed a pair of scissors and began slashing at him, according to the report. Officers noted the man had minor cuts to his chest, left thumb and left knee.
Thomas told officers the man was drunk and had grabbed her by the wrists, threw her on the bed and began choking her, according to the report. Officers saw no visible injuries on Thomas. The man said the only time he put his hands on her was during the sexual encounter, the report stated.
Thomas was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, although the man told officers he didn’t want to press charges.
Thomas faces a second-degree felony charge, carrying a sentence up to 20 years in prison and up to a $10,000 fine.
Thomas was being held in the Angelina County Jail as of Tuesday morning, pending a bond hearing.
Show, C4, WJA3, Tako: BWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Tako: Daaaaaamn, that's f****d up!
WJA3: Wouldn't happen to meeeeee, tho.....
Show: Guess this post is a wrap...
C4: On the contrary my bro, Rocka....
For you see NappyHeadedSiblings worldwide, we do not have the entire story. Let's break it down in the first ever....
The Case of the Bad Dick DebacleAt first glance this seems to be an issue of the guy skeeting before Usain Bolt finished his 100-Meter race, or maybe he's working with something less kielbasa than cocktail weenie. However, Lead Detective C4 2YaDoor disputed the claim By NappyHeaded Chief-of-the-Skeet (PAUSE) Show-Sho No H that this was simply a case of open and shut legs.
The first clue C4 pointed to was the fact that the attacker is married to the victim in this case. If good sex is so important to this woman, she probably wouldn't marry a minute man or a short-short man. And if she did, it would be for other reasons like money and/or citizenship, and she'd assign someone else to the dick-giving duties.
Next, Crime Scene Investigator Taka Flacka Flame noted that the wife claimed to have been grabbed by her wrists, thrown on the bed and choked, although no physical signs of injury supported this claim. Her husband maintains that "the only time he put his hands on her was during the sexual encounter."
This led Relationship Expert WJA3 theorizes that possibly Michelle Thomas, the alleged attacker, likes it rough. Very rough. She likes to get thrown around, subdued and choked out. It's the only way she can reach orgasm. Her husband comes home too drunk to properly perform these nasty duties rendering his choke-hand too weak. Or maybe finally refuses to go through with it all the way. Either way, now she's PISSED. Enraged, she goes and grabs the scissors, fully intending to Lorena Bobbit his ass. She takes a second look at his dick, which has always brought her joy in the past, and can't go through with the deed. Instead she does what black women do best with crude weapons: slice, dice, slash and clash.
Chief Rocka: What if, for argument sake, this were the other way around. The husband, after all, is the one who laid down the hands on his lady.
Det. C4: With all due respect sir this is no lady. And if he was the rough sex lover and she wasn't with it, why wouldn't she simply charge him with sexual assault or attempted rape? She chose instead to attack him, and even told the police it was because he didn't handle his business.
Chief Rocka: Well done, C4. Fortunately we're not real police so we can just speculate from now until forever, but what's most important is that we as men always know what kind of freak-nasty pum-pum you're trying to smash before you dip your celery in her blue cheese.
WJA3: Gross metaphor.
Tako: Yeah I just threw up a little bit.
NappyHeaded Case Closed!