That's right, you guessed it. C4 is back 2 ya door with the next installment in the NappyHeadedBros "I Don't Even Need To See It" series, in which we critique movies with pinpoint accuracy solely based on the trailers/commercials, daring you the reader to disagree with us.
For y'all who don't watch TV or look at street advertisements, a new basketball movie is coming out on Friday. But this is no sports flick, it's a chick flick. That powers that be will have you believe it is a "romantic comedy," and I agree with them....for all the wrong reasons. You see NappyMovieGoers, this travesty of a film tries to take us to a place of pure unrealistic ridiculous fantasy, denying the reality of our current time, place, and cultural reference.
So let me get this straight. Common plays some fictional superstar b-ball player with a believably black name who has everything going for him, including the adoration of real life commentators and NBA players like Dwight Howard. He is married to a sexy beige-skinned wife who seems to be his one and only and makes his life truly ideal. Then in E! True Hollywood faahion, it all comes crashing down.
He suffers a terrible injury that everyone says will end his career, so of course his shallow mulatto wife leaves him and he's got nowhere to go except for one of her friends, a female trainer named Queen Latifah who really loves basketball and doesn't care about petty girlie things. Instead of getting dolled up for the game she actually wears his jersey (gasp! Foreshadowing!) She's in it for the love of the game. It just so happens she's like 40 and mildly obese.
Sidebar: Let's be real. I bet you $5000 right now put her on the scale, measure her BMI and that shit will come back "OBESE." But I digress.
Her great heart, genuine personality, full unconditional belief in him, and of course that little something extra make him fall in love with her. Her big girl love nurses him back to health, and that sweet fat pussy makes him shun the fine ass ex when she inevitably comes crawling back to when his career is back on top.
The rejuvenated baller and his big ass bride live happily ever after and she makes corny jokes that we chuckle and go "awe" over cuz Queen Latifah is so damn lovable. Right? Wright??
Wrooooooong, Muthaf&$k@, from top to rotund bottom!
First off, do these retard filmmakers not know there is Twitter and reality TV, specifically Basketball Wives that we just finished talking about a week ago?! You see ugly ass bum ass Eric Williams??? I can't even remember what team he plays for, and I am a HUGE basketball fan! See how bad his "wife" is? That's because these basketball wives are gold diggers much more than they are fame whores. If the Paula Patton (aka Mrs. Robin Thicke) character was such a shallow person she would stay with him for the money. He's still rich, ding-dong! You don't just stop being a multi-millionaire when you fuck up your knee. They already paid him. She seems too smart to not realize this. She'd use this as an opportunity to be all, "ooh let me nurse you back to health baby! See how I'm with you through thick and thin? I'm down for you boo! I won't divorce you for at least ten more years!"
And let's just say that his wife does leave him because "she can't be with a bench player," which sounds utterly ridiculous considering a grand total of 400 of all basketball players in the world are lucky enough to ever wear an NBA jersey. Why wouldn't he do what a good rich black man should do, and fuck countless 20-year-old groupies and give them no dough. Where are the white women with breast implants? The Latinas looking to get pregnant? All kinds of Asian bitches?!?!
He'd really prefer a lesbo-looking fat 40-year-old? Ask her on dates? Not my rich NBA playing ass. Wouldn't catch me dead in public with Queen Latifah.
Simply let's put it like this. You're filthy rich. Options coming out your ears. Would you really go from this....
This is simply another in a long line of delusional (large/old) black women movies. Remember How Stella Got Her Groove Back ended up in real life? The nigga was gay. Which is what you'd have to be to be running around boo-loving a woman that old and large when you are young, rich and in shape.
This is a big problem. Cuz big ass old ass chicks think they deserve ballers then get tight when all they can pull is no good losers with low standards. Come on son. Be realistic. Some people are just out of your league. I'm mad at them using Common, the most sympathetic to women rapper ever in the history of all rappers, to further perpetuate and feed this far-fetched fantasy. Thicka-thigh-thicka-thigh-thicka-thigh-th-thigh, he won't tell you shit when he see you.
Don't even get me started on the fact that Common can't act for shit, okay. Or that his song is playing during the commercial. Let's just say that Just Wright is Just Wrong and Just Wridiculous!
Once More 2 Ya Door,