Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Homeless Hitmen??? Where They Do That At?!?!?!

Stay tuned for my next book, "Killing Your Spouse The Fast and FUN Way!"

Stop playin' son.

In case you're not up on your TMZ game, here are the stats.

Name: Juan-Carlos Cruz

Claim To Fame: Former Host on Food Network shows "Calorie Commando" and "Weighing In."

And now for the plot as reported by TMZ the other day...

Originally posted May 16th 2010 1:00 AM PDT by TMZ Staff

TMZ has obtained a series of text messages between former Food Network host Juan-Carlos Cruz and the homeless men he allegedly tried hiring to kill his wife -- and it seems Cruz had other potential hitmen in the wings if 3 guys turned him down.

The homeless men whom Cruz allegedly solicited told TMZ he gave them a phone to contact him.

SKEEERRRRTT!!!!

What part of the game is that?!?! "Wait, lemme just leave all this evidence lying around so you catch me. In case you weren't completely aware of my nefarious plans, I'll just go ahead and provide you with these devices that store written evidence. No, don't thank me, thank you!"

Clearly this nigga is not a fan of The Wire, or else he would know better than to be all on the phone at all, let alone bringing unnecessary phone communication into the mix. Avon and Stringer would not approve.

In all honesty he'd probably would have been caught eventually anyway, but thank God he's too stupid to ever pull such a devious crime off, and deserves to be punished for his cruelty, but more for his stupidity. What an amateur. What a douche bag. What a waste of semen. But we continue....

According to the texts on that phone, they became frustrated and threatened to bail on the gig because of Cruz's payment plan -- ten 100 dollar bills ripped in half ... the guys would get half of each bill when they agreed to the hit and the other halves after they kill Cruz's wife.

Cruz texted the men: "Have already been burned with whole bills then no show thats why do it this way."

He then texted: "Have 2nd party ready 2 take over if u dont want it r u in?"

SKEEERRRRTT!!!!

What is possibly going through this guy's mind while plotting this whole scheme?

Was he like, "Well I want to have my wife killed by somebody else, cuz I'm not really good at covering stuff up on my own and it might get messy, but I don't wanna spend a lot of money. I need an affordable hitman. Who does stuff for cheap? Homeless people, yes! They're all on crack, they'll do anything! Cheap! Hmmm, I guess it should be a group of them, like three, so it can get done thoroughly. $1000 apiece sounds reasonable. $3000 total is a LOT less than a divorce would cost, that's for sure! But you know, the last time I approached a homeless guy with this he took my money, so I'm gonna cut it up first so their thirsty for it. Yeah! I'm diabolical!"

Idiot.

Yup, the would-be assassins.

Kudos to the homeless guys for at least being like, "Ummmm, no I want the whole bill."

Cruz also used the phone to set up meets with the men -- one text read, "Call me i have a proposal," another read "Meet me at the spot in a hour," while another said "Meet at starbucks 10 am to discuss details about wed." We're told the last few texts were from the day Cruz was arrested. Cruz wrote "I am on my way" twice, "By [sic] there in a min" and finally "Almost there everything ko [sic]." No, everything was not ok for Cruz. The 3 homeless men were secretly working with cops.


How does the wife feel knowing hubby didn't even have the decency to hire niggas with homes to kill her? And for $3K? Chill. Is she more hurt about the price, the homelessness, or the general betrayal? I bet right now she feels all distraught that the alleged love of her life wanted to end hers, but time heals all wounds. As time goes on and she stops caring about his ass it'll be less pain about betrayal and more about the indignance over the cheapness of the botched job.

Can't you see her now like, "I knew he was a cheapskate. Wouldn't even pay a professional, just like when the toilet backed up." Damn. I'm sure it's easier for a killer to sleep at night if he has a f**kin bed to lay his head on, LOL.

Yeah I know I'm wrong for this. But you know what I'm thinking? The same thing so many of you reading this right now are thinking....

"Thank God it wasn't a black guy!"

WOOOOOOO!

C4 2 Ya Door, No Chef No More.

3 comments:

Rock said...

Dead...at "It wasn't a black guy."

Who knew 1 line could make an entire post.

Good, quick read...

plus, I didnt have to write this morning.

Alovelydai said...

Stupidity = Keeps a wife alive!

T-shirts & bumper stickers to be sold at thissomebullish.com

Elliott said...

Although I don't know going rate of a Hit. I am pretty sure 3 grand is cheap. Still it's a much better deal than going through divorce proceedings and possibly loosing half your shit in the settlement.

The man is a Chef. He should have kept with the technique and put something in the ho's food, (severe allergen, arsenic, even concentrated caffeine). Not that I have considered knocking a bitch off with my pasta ravioli, I would just stick with what I know. Hiring crackheads for anything other than washing the exterior of your car is foolish. Crackheads have proven (via failure) that they suck at life and are unreliable.

Damn, SMH. I am glad he is not black though.