Tuesday, April 13, 2010

You Gots Ta Chill Vol. 1: Black Businesses

The straw that broke the camel's back was a tab reading:

2 coffee @ 2.75 = 5.50
2 Hennessey @ 12. = 24
Total = $29.50

What followed was a catatonic face that hid hurt, betrayal, and confusion that gave way to a cold stare saying, "I see you nigga."

But let's trace our steps to see how we got to this point shall we?

It was a pleasant lazy sunny Sunday afternoon in Brooklyn.....or so I thought. Whilst Jazzy Jen and the friendly neighborhood Blog Killah attempted to make the most of good weather before the new week, Fort Greene had other plans for us. What began as mild inconveniences like a slightly undercooked burger, a dessert spot with locked doors and a beer garden waitress who pretended not to notice us, the fourth establishment we patroned that day decided to lower the boom.

Night of the Cookers Bistro was no longer serving brunch at 4pm and that was cool with us - we were full on burgers and beer. All we wanted was some Hennessy in our coffee for a stronger kick and a slight pick-me-up. Don't front. Henney in coffee is on point and quite delicious. But that's not the point...kinda.

Let me describe to you out there in Nappy Land the scene of this restaurant. It's trendy-looking, with good-looking brown-skinned staff, shiny wood floors, gleaming silverware and the general aura of a hip buppy hang-out.

So we sit and I order for us from the mildly-brolic s-curl-rockin Baby Junior Seau-looking bartender, thusly:

C4: Do you serve coffee?
Baby Seau: Yes.
C4: Can you put Hennessy in it?
Baby Seau: Sure.

And that was that. The cool thing to do would have been a courteous disclaimer of, "Yeah I can but I have to charge you separately for each." Never mind the fact that substitute Henney for whiskey and we have Irish Coffee, which is known as one drink and not two. Let's not even talk about how suspect his pour of that drank was into our coffees. I won't go there, because some bars just over-charge. They tend to be in hotels , but that's neither here nor there.

What I will harp on is the subtle niggerdom that make this place a coontastic mound of venomous hypocrisy that should and must be stopped. You remember my description of the environs. Did I mention that the milk for the coffee was served in a plastic to-go ketchup container?

Where they do that at?!?! C'mon son! At least have the disposable joints that IHOP gives you.

Also, as we stared at the check in shock and horror, the Asian bootleg DVD lady rolled up on us with her latest inventory. F the fact that after that bamboozling I was in no mood to make another purchase. How you gonna be the "exclusive" brunch spot over-charging for drinks AND allow the bootleg DVD lady into the restaurant to bother the customers?!?! Yes, there was a host who greets you at the door, so she had to be admitted with consent.

You're either the hood spot who allows bootleggers or you're the pricey hip restaurant. You can't be both. It's like being tatted to the neck and then getting a mani-pedi. Ahem...

Show: I ain't even go through with it.
C4: cuz I talked you out of it.
Show: shut the hell up, that's why they played you.
C4: that's the last time I save you from going out of your way to be forced to say "no homo." Anyway...

This is why I don't care about black businesses. Many simply ain't shit. They either too ghetto or trying to be too cool, usually over-priced and suffering from bad service, all in the name of the snetiment of "nigga you ain't up on this!". Yeah the service sucked too. Baby Seau never once in the long ass time we were sipping asked if would like anything else, or hello or anything resembling service. I had to flag him to get the check too.

To contrast and illustrate my point, we went to an Australian-owned spot called the Sunburnt Cow the day before:
Brunch til 5 with all you can drink mimosas, screwdrivers, and a couple other options.
The food was bangin.
Service was great. My glass never got completely empty, and I left BENT. Ask Akira.
Total: $23.

Two drinks for $29.50 at the black place. To complete the stereotypically black experience we dropped $30 and let him chill with a $0.50 tip. Eat a dick! You ain't gonna have us look cheap by complaining. You won't get that satisfaction either.

Night of the Cookers, you gots ta chill!!!

C4 2 Ya Door


MW said...

Now that's just perfect. A dirty, low-scale place is given the veneer of trendiness and a priced-up menu and still it remains another run-of-the-mill greasy spoon (and jheri-curled hairnet). After all, as the saying goes(-ish): you can put lipstick on a pig, but it doesn't mean it's worth kissing. Ask Showrocka (zang!).

The underlying implied coonery of this experience notwithstanding, there is a larger point to be gleaned from this woeful tale of mishandled service. Namely, trendy-ass restaurants assume that their patrons will pay whatever they charge, even if the charges are hidden. But, this isn't the fucking Russian Tea Room we're talking here: these are small well-decorated hopped-up cafes.

But, many types (white types, mostly), will take such bills with stride. Nay, aplomb?

"Oh, they charged us extra for the whiskey [with emphatic HW initial consonant]?"
"Yes, well, let me get the check and allow me to show you that my financial status is beyond reproach."
"I too have achieved yuppie-dom. Let us give this place 3 stars on Yelp! with a slight caution about pricing."
[iPhone pissing contest to follow]

Fuck everything. I waste too much money on overhyped brunches and overblogged restaurants. I always have to go to WaWa after to get a hoagie to finish the satiation anyway.

Rock said...

That's what you get for mixing Henny in coffee....You miseginating bastard. You don't see white people trying to put a straw in a 40, or vegetables in chitterlings. LMAO.

Nah, I'm kidding...kinda. Moral of the story is (pause, because without the "m" moral spells "oral") , bring your bougie ass back to the Hood C4 and stop trying to be uppity. I need somebody to go withm me to the asian jawn and get this mani-ped anyway fam. No homo?

Rockin 2 wife beaters of different hues,

Rocka Minaja

The A2K-10 Virus said...

Hahaha you Jr Seau S-Curl. That made my whole morning as I am learning about dialysis in my APC class. So boring.

Last semester, when I was on my 'I think its time to give up single life' dip, I took this girl to a martini lounge. Obviously I want to go upstairs to the lounge area instead of the wack ass bar downstairs. When I get upstairs there's (of course) a random ass promo group promoting whatever 'long titled party theme name they spent 2 hrs planning,' so I got to pay these Jodeci lookin niggas 20 bucks just to use the lounge. And they aint even affiliated to the martini lounge, so I gots to spend even more money than necessary.

Then I wondered how lame these niggas were. Its a martini lounge in dauntaun Pittsburgh! Its sposed to be a chill spot for niggas my age tryin to trick pompous ass girls into thinkin we's mature so we (me in this case) can beat it up. Not pay so you can have a bum ass DJ play BS garbage while the lounge is playin music of they own. And there are tvs there wit sound so we can watch sports or whatnot.

Olive or Twist: you fail for tryna turn a martini lounge into Rumshakers in the souf side.

Know yo roll (Dwayne Johnson aka Rocky Maivia aka The Rock)

The A2K-10 Virus

Akira said...

just here to confirm that he passed out on the cab ride home. Also, when I arrived, the waiter handed me a drink since I sat down. So I got to drink on that 23 dollar tab too. Score one for the Aussies.

Freckles said...

i can dig this. there are plenty of places like that in Atlanta and try to avoid that coon shit now that I am in LA.

Im new to the blog but will continue to check it out. I felt like I was there. LOL.

Oh, btw, henn in the coffee huh. I generally stickwith southern comfort or baileys. I may try that in the AM.

ChoColAte KiSs said...

This was hilarious..

That Sunburnt Cow spot is amazing!!!...I remember there being a special drink for 20 dollars all you want for 2 hrs...

I love this blog, found it yesterday and almost halfway through your entire blog archive, I'm not going to comment on everyone but my mom thinks I have a problem since I've been laughing out loud continuously for the past 2 hrs while she does my hair..

Anyways enough about me...Keep up the great work.