Tako: So I'm in fucking jail.
Show: Nigga we know...we paid your bond alongside this guy above us. Yes, we know we aint shit for takin pics in the Jail.
C4: What about when I renacted the Tako walking out of jail scene and the Cop told us to knock it off or we'd be next.
Show: We're assholes.
What the hell, dude? Asian guys don't go to jail. Thank God somebody gave me Ruby's cell, and with my superior Asian number memory techniques I remembered that bitch for my one phone call...I got his voicemail. But REALLY thank God my weed fell out of my pocket before I got arrested. I would have been screwed like a Tijuana whore (probably in more ways than one) if they actually had a drug possession charge with which to hit me.
Fuck New Haven cops, by the way. I hope they all get herpes. The bad kind that produces painful sores in the genital region from time to time, not that bullshit herpes that you rub some rite-aid cold sore meds on and they go away. And they should get swine flu at the same time. Assholes.
Wasn't so bad tho, not how I imagined it from the movies. I had my own cell so there was never a threat to my anal virginity. I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a main concern. I was wasted too so I had no trouble falling asleep in my cell. Like, what else could I do? Can't go back to the club and they won't be bailing me tonight.
The morning was wild tho.
With all the pizza, chicken wings, beer, liquor and marijuana flowing through my system my guts bubbled like a hot tub of black chicks with big asses farting, all morning(I woke up pretty early. Not that comfy in jail). I finally succumbed to my urge to take a massive stinky Hiroshima shit in my cell toilet, at the advice of another inmate who told me to ask the guard for TP(I was contemplating using the paper from my box of jail-provided orange drink until then).
I lined the seat thoroughly so I wouldn't get jail crabs or some other wild shit. My revenge for getting arrested was smelling up the hallway to the point that the guard had to spray the whole place with Lysol.
Jail nigga question # 1 (now that I've done a bid I get street stripes and call call myself that, right? )
Do all people in jail know each other? Cuz there was a lot of conversation that made me believe they were too used to being there....with each other.
Inmate # 1: Yo Rodney they tazed you?
Inmate # 2: Yeah they tazed me! I told that nigga don't go in my pockets. I was like yo just don't go in my pockets my nigga I don't play dat shit. He do dat shit anyway! So I bumped him, made him fall. See you can't swing on the officer, that's assault, so I just bumped his ass. So when they was tazing me I grabbed the other cop so they have to taze him too!
Inmate # 3: that's why I get my money right so I be straight when I come back in here my nigga!
Inmate # 1: yeah my nigga my bail go down to like $30K I'm outta here my sister can give me her kids college money, she'll look out.
Inmate #3: Oh yeah you good wit that my nigga.
Inmate #1: Yeah son my shit $250,000, cuz I had three failures to appear in court.
Inmate #3: Nah my nigga you gotta show up. See I ain't wit all that go to court and come back and shit. DA talk some good shit first time I go, I'm coppin to that and doing my bid feel me? Why go outside I'm just coming back in anyway? That's why you gotta get your bail money right when you flipping that weight!
I was so happy you guys got me in the morning. They tried to feed me an inch-thick slab of ham sandwich, pause, and some orange drink containing less than 1% juice. I thought black people were just joking about drink vs juice. I was so wrong. Jail fucking sucks. I think that's what finally made me shit. That damn orange drink. Yuck.
--Taka Flacka Flame (Pause). aka Blogzilla the Rican, Black and Slanted punani Killa!!!
C4: Can't have killa in your name chump.