Tuesday, April 20, 2010

If you don't wanna get blogged, don't act like this (Pt. 1)

Excuse the fact that my iphone cost a gazillion dollars and the camera still sucks.

So in walks a Yale kid in a suit with a giant yellow & red Pokemon Bookbag. After staring intently and conspicuously taking pictures (while people yelled "uh oh, the blog Monster's at it again"), I promptly came to the realization that this apparent oddity was to foreshadow the type of strange events the night would bring.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, It was my last night working as a makeshift bouncer at the bar, and for any outsider looking in, it would appear that all hell broke loose!!! For anyone who has been around for a while, however, it just looked like a regular night at the Amigo theatre, with Buc Dinero standing center stage and starring as the "crazy drunk coon."

Sidebar: Ben Rothesburger, Starting Quarterback for the world Champion Pittsburgh Steelers has just caught his third rape charge in as many years. This sets the stage.

Buc Dinero: Girl, Ben Rothelsburger aint got shit on me!!! I'll ______ you. (insert R word I'd rather not type twice in one post.)

Entire bar looks at Buc as the music stops and jaws drop, no homo.

Buc Dinero: Well, you know....I mean, I'll take advantage of ya!!!

Music resumes. LOL.

Think this is bad? I forgot to mention that this drunken foolery occurred at 9:30 pm. Yes. Niggas were 3:30am wasted at 9:30. It was just that kind of night.

Next thing you know, Buc is in a corner whispering in the ear of a girl who is making the "nigga please face." Luckily for him, the girl knows him, though they are not particularly close. Luckily for me, the owner of the Bar thinks Buc is funny and doesnt expect me to throw him out.

Buc Dinero (While wrapping both arms around the top of said girl's leg): Girl you aint know I'm the best Leg humper on the east coast???

With a crowd of people cheering (aka egging him on), he proceeds to hump the girls leg for about 3 songs...walk to the jukebox, put in money, and go back to leg humping.

C4: Where they do that at!!!!!

Show: But, but,but , but wait it gets worse (Onyx voice!!)

Eventually, Buc got tired of the dark meat (lol) and walked up to our alabaster, Football playing friend with the pokemon bag. He is sitting with an attractively stuck up, basketball playing Amazon chick.

Buc Dinero: Oh yea. She want the meat....

Show: Just Stop!!!! You are being foolish. Leave those people alone. How are you this drunk at 9:30.

Buc Dinero: Cause I took a cab bitch!

Supposedly Badass football playing Pokemon dude: That's my fiancee'.

Buc Dinero: Good thing it's not your wife, or you'd be getting a divorce tonight!!!!

As Buc proceeds to mount the girls chair, lift up his shirt and do some sort of "hump pump dance" I was able to snap a picture...

Supposedly Badass football playing Pokemon Dude: Nah dude, shes not really my fiancee. Its cool bro.

C4: Punk ass, bitch ass, sucker ass, punk ass beyyyyath ass nicccccccaaa!!! (Stinkmeaner voice).

Show: Word.

Tako: And then what?? (Jeezy Voice)

This exchange goes on for a while until Buc either got hot, or found the need to channel his inner african monkey spirit and go shirtless at the bar. No he didn't do it to show off a plethora of six pack abs or chiseled physique (no homo)...just the body of a 30 something year old drunken fool. No offense.

Acceptable behavior at a bar? Hell no. Good shit to blog about? yeah, I guess. LOL.

This, however, was still more acceptable than him finding the remote to the jukebox, turning down the music and saying this:

"everybody, shhhhh...I need your attention please. I would like everyone in the bar to look at this lady right here (pointing at 40 year old white woman with co-worker and co-worker's husband), and applaud her for having some nice titties. Let's clap for the titties."

Funniest part about all this is that about 20 minutes later....after Buc did his best impression of a Q-Dawg (omega Psi Phi Fraternity for you white people out there), which was dead on point and included some very good stepping...excuse me, "hoppin", Buc was asleep standing up at the bar.

After pushing him, flicking him (pause) and eventually putting a nasty bar rag on his head, he still didnt wake up. What did we do next? Pour water on his head and take pictures.

Moral of the story? If you don't wanna get blogged, don't act like this. LOL. It's all love (no homo) Buc Dinero.
-Black Kevin Costner


A2K-10 Virus said...

Love the Ben Roethlisburger picture. Oldie but Goodie status. Best part, those bitches In that photo went to my high school avec mon frere grand.

Also I was a bouncer for the previous 2 years and a fraternity member for the previous 3 years so I've seen and heard some shit about #7. This text convo I had wit my roommate from freshman year last night was a new one about #7.

Carl F.: So i heard second hand rumor that big ben likes jizzing on hoes faces in the middle of the night while they sleepin

Me: Hahaha what?

Carl F: I just heard a rumor. Sorority hoes who have had sex with ben say they woke up in the middle of the night with him jackin off and he said stfu n let me finish


Lovin the fact he's passed out in plenty a bar to wake up well rested and without the increased chance of having turkey jizz on his face

khaki la'docker said...

:ahem: whats turkey jizz?

A2K-10 Virus said...

Well 'Docker's stain defender' Khaki lady, thanks for asking.

[Turr'kee Jiz]

Turkey refers to the skin color. The meat from the breast area is white. (I personally like the dark meat of the turkey;its more juicy (yes homo). Ben is white.

He's not a woman so I can't call him a bird, pigeon, flock, geese, or chick. Ben is big (Big Ben). A Turkey is big.

So by using context clues, one can deduce that turkey jizz refers to the stream of protein spewing from one, Ben Roethlisberger.

Actually... I got it from Deuce Bigalow:

Nasty ass detective: 'Do the initials -T and -J (referring to Eddie Griffin's character, TJ) mean anyting to you?'

Deuce: 'Turkey Jizz?'

A2K-10 Virus
The more you know (ping sound)

khaki la'docker said...

@a2k-10 O_o... i totally got the jizz part- just wasnt sure where the turkey came into play. However, after your very well-written explanation and movie reference- i got it. Im gonna have to add that to my WtDtA? list of slang. Gracias fellow commenter.

Epiphany said...

ROTFLLS Goooooooo heeeeaaaaad!!!!!!