Friday, April 30, 2010

I Don't Even Need To See It: Vol. 1 - Robin Hood

N***a please.

Every once in a while we Bros lend our hands to other realms of news and entertainment, like music reviews and sports theories. Today C4 The Blog Killah will combine theatrical and literary talents and launch the newest NappyHeaded endeavor, movie critiquing.

Today's subject is clearly Robin Hood, but this is no review, NappyFam. I haven't seen this new Robin Hood movie coming out, but like far too many other new feature films these days, I know basically all I need to know from watching the trailers and commercials. And I dare any of you to find fault with my assessment after the movie has been released, you've seen it, and my opinion has been supported by what you have seen. Yeah, I'm that confident. But let me tell you why in our newest NappyHeaded segment...

Accurate Critiques of Movies Based On Trailers and Commercials aka I Don't Even Need To See It!

By the early '90s there were three definitive versions of Robin Hood floating around that more or less shaped the minds of people who were fairly young and alive at that time:

Disney's animated Robin Hood (the greatest),

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves (the most critically acclaimed, starring Show's boy Kevin Costner),
Show: Yeerrrrp! My Caucasian Counterpart!

and Robin Hood Men In Tights (the funniest, featuring a young Dave Chappelle.)

Soon a new Robin Hood will coming out starring Russell Crowe. The difference between this one and the old ones is that the other three, despite wide variation in interpretation, basically maintained the same character and story. This one does not and it pisses me the hell off.

We all know how the story goes. This witty charming arrow-slinger and his PAUSE merry men kick it in the forest catching rich people slipping, sticking them for their guap and giving it to the poor. There's a fat guy in the crew ironically named Little John, and Robin Hood has the hots for a dime piece named Maid Marian. Ooly-ollie-ooly-ollie-golly what a day and shit.

Then here comes Russell Crowe and his band of douche bags trying to turn the shit into 300 Bravehearts by another name. Since when did Robin Hood tote a big ass Excalibur sword while screaming on a horse charging towards niggas like rassclot rudebwoys bussin more fiyah inna di air? It don't make no sense!

And he's got ZERO sense of humor. 3/4 of the hook is that he makes you run your pockets and makes fun of you while he does it. Sometimes he'll leave a catchy message for punk ass Prince John. Dis nigga Russell Hood looks like he does in every other movie since Gladiator: like vicious hemorrhoids, heartburn and diarrhea are part of his character choice (and there's nothing funny about that is there?).

Don't think I don't know your tricks, Russell Crowe! You're not acting. You're an asshole in real life, you get no Oscar for that crap, jack! You wanna impress me? Play a nice guy, and do it well. Like Forrest Gump, or The Dude in Big Lebowski, or Robin H... Nevermind.

And how do they play it off? "The untold story of how he became a legend." Don't feed me that bullshit prequel Equal, I want that raw cane sugar nukka! Pause, no sweet 'n low.

Where is the element of surprise???

So I hereby declare NappyHeaded Condemnation of this mockery of a wonderful story once featuring awesome cartoons, Dave Chappelle and the Blog Monster's namesake. Just in case the movie proves me wrong, tell me why, and depending on your argument I'll tell you whether or not you should go kick rocks with no socks.

Ya Dig?!?!

-C4 2 Ya Door


Akira said...

why is this even a movie? They should have put it on Showtime after the Tudors. blah. good post. Men in Tights is my fave.

Rock said...

"Don't feed me that bullshit prequel Equal, I want that raw cane sugar nukka! Pause, no sweet 'n low."

-C4 you are a fool.

I think this movie sounds dope though. Would've been better if they got like 50 Cent to play robin Hood. What? It's true. Or maybe even Plies...then they could call it Robin Goon. Iuuulllghhk.

Stay tuned for my "I DONT NEED TO SEE IT" of the new Karate Coon Kid. Smh

MW said...

I agree that this is a useless remake, but both Prince of Thieves and Men in Tights lay claim to the history of Robin Hood not as a peasant rebel but a noble who fought in the Crusades. Understandably, this probably-untold prequel-ish chapter to the saga was ready to be exploited (I say "probably-untold" because there's a huge list of primary sources, books, and movies about Mr. Hood [not any of y'all]). I'm going to have to say the movie makes sort of sense, based on context of more recent films.

But that doesn't mean it's good. And it doesn't mean anyone should see it.

I'm just imagining an epic battle between a shirtless Russel Crowe and the Sheriff of Nottingham, when Robin Hood ends up splitting his head in two. "This... is... Sherwood!"

Fighting around the world, indeed!