Thursday, April 29, 2010

Cereal Daters Pt. 2/2: The Men

You wanted it, and like La SIDA we were gonna give it to you anyway even if you didn't want it.

So, without further ado, Blogface and Blogness present to you, the second installment of our attempt to figure out women like the secret devil worshipping message in Jay Z songs.

Forrest Gump said life was like a box of Chocolates. Sure he was retarded, but I'm sure he would agree that bitches are like a box of cereal...and so are bitch ass Neyyyyyuuugggggaaaaaas (Stinkmeaner voice.)

Cereal Daters Pt. 2 of 2 : The Men (Pause).

Corn Flakes:

The name says it all. This dude is a cornball, a lame, a herb, a chump, a sucker, however you wanna call it. He might have a well-paying job, and the money to buy you drink after drink, so he is often seen with Frosty Flakes and Trix. Yeah it's still Trixing if you got it, cuz keep blowing your Chex and homie you won't have it much longer. The rich Corn Flake is often seen in the company of women out of his league who either will fuck him for the trickin' or will simply accept it and play him at the end of the night. Why? He has no game. None whatsoever, because he has the personality of a blade of grass, or is an annoying dork. The same applies to his less affluent brethren who simply stay at home with Vaseline and high-speed internet, because No Money + No Personality = No Snappy-Nappy.

Cap'n Crunch

This brother puts up more impressive stats than most of our cereal daters because he keeps himself in shape: your classic gym rat. The Cap'n's crunches, curls, presses and calf raises are always on point, so the birds flock to the cock. If he is halfway good-looking then he'll be aight without any game at a point. The more savvy lady (who gives a shit about this) will lose interest fast if the brain muscle has remained unworked since 5th grade.

All in all though the Cap'n has less work to put in cuz he's prettier for y'all chicks to look at. But buyer beware, cuz he probably gives less of a shit about you for this same reason. He's most likely to play you, and in severe cases of gym-o-philia, might even prefer sculpting his own abs over skeeting on yours. Ulgxh!


Now, before you get all excited thinking life partner or that special someone who makes your life complete, remember....We are the NappyHeadedBros not the magical fantasy fairies fictitiously fabricating false utopias. We keep it 100. That being said, the "Lifer's" are just that...the mofo's who can't keep their coca crisp, pepperican or alabaster asses out of jail.

Go ahead...say something? I know a few blog readers with baby daddies in and fresh out of jail.

Nothing wrong with this, (well, actually there's plenty wrong with it...but thugs need love too. no homo.) Point of the matter is, just know what your getting into. Just like the heart healthy cereal which is lightly sweetened, your little jailbird nigga should be healthy as a whistle (having all day to lift weights and shit), while refusing to be overbearingly sweet. I'm not gonna say the nigga is unsweetened (no homo ), because hey...we all know aint no bitches in jail. LOL. Depending on the length of his bid, If your man don't come home with his right arm looking strong as fuck, or bust the bigegst load you ever seen in your life...your man may be part Life and part Fruity pebbles. Smh.

Special K

Keymani, Kevin, Kendrick, Killa...Whatever. You met this dude and were like WOW. K is special.

Translation: This nigga's retarded.

Now, when I say this I don't mean this type of single fellow rides the short bus or has a little hand...I just mean to say that he is, well...not that bright. Sure he may wine and dine you, give you a good third legging and keep your weave stitched errrry week, but he just does too many things that make you wonder...did this dude eat paint chips when he was a little kid?

If he asks you questions like "when is Cinco de Mayo?", "Where do you keep your ice trays", goes to see a tyler Perry play and upon being seated looks at name tags and says "Damn, all these niggas are named Usher", or looks at his favorite sports team's schedule and says "who's TBD and why do we play them so much?" you got yourself a special K. LMAO. I mean, SMH.

Fruity or Cocoa Pebbles:

If your single nigga hook-up for the night stares at himself too much while doing the nasty, he may just be conceited... If he asks for anal, he may just be freaky. If old boy asks for a finger in the booo-tay, however, he is a flippantly flaming gay. Where they yabba-dabba-DO that at?? LMAO.

You've all met the brotha with a little to much bounce in his step, sugar in his tank or Kirk in his Franklin...I don't even know what that last one means, I just made it up cause Kirk Franklin's porn loving ass looks like a little homo. No offense.

Anyways, these are the type of baby faced brothers who'd probably rather be called "pebbles" in the bed room despite your need for a Bam-Bam, thank you maam. Let the fruity pebble make your Bed rock if you want, just don't be surprised when you find questionable material in the rubble. LOL.

Urban Black Male: That shit is funny.

Show: You aint off the hook, sensitive thug.

Just like the fruity pebbles who prefer the "booty do" to the "Stanky [3rd]Legg", the undercover brothers tend to like stroking more than their own egos. Down low niggas? Yeah, they exist...and we gonna call them mofo's cocoa pebbles. LOL. See above for the same explanation all over again.

And there you have it. Another Bros exclusive all summed up in a cereal box. The perils of single life. Ahhhhhhhhhh (no homo.)

But don't fret our pets (urkel voice....)

There are a few good womens [sic] and men (pause) out there in that cereal giant bowl we call the dating pool. You just gotta make sure you find the total package....

Only then can that special someone make the transition from a hasty little breakfast on the go into your daily, must-have, calcium fortified boo.

Dead. :)

--C4 & Show-Sho


Epitome said...

Special K fuggin made my LIFE! I died laughing lmao

MW said...

"Thug love", eh?

I can Count plenty of Choculas who wanna Berry their Frankens deep in some Fruit(y) Brute. Yeah, that's three monster cereal references in one shot. Now, if we can only get General Mills to manufacture "Cock Monster" cereal, AKA "Rocka-Ohs" AKA "Young Cocoa Krispie" (any Show cereal would have like, 8 more names anyway).

Excellent wordsmithery today, Bros, particularly on the Pebbles Bits. And the Special K jokes are wonderfully "yo' mama"-ish: did you guys write these or hear them being spat on a corner somewhere to the tune of 20-odd-something "Ohhhh snap!"s?

Nicely done.

Anonymous said...

where they yabba-dabba-do that at? definitely using that one.