Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Cereal Daters Pt. 1 of 2: The Women...

This is the first time I've sat at my upstairs computer in a while (aka the one with no itunes or porn, thereby meaning I'm not as distracted.)


I've been thinking a bit about this whole single life thing, and the main thing I think I've learned, through conversations with my favorite blogger Khaki and my boys, is that single ladies are a pain in the ass. Don't get me wrong, they're nice to hang with and I much prefer it to hanging out with Married hoes or trifling chicks cheating on their man, but in the end it comes down to one thing.


There are many types of single ladies and they're all different. Some are good, some are bad.


The important thing isn't being able to snag all good quality A+ jawns, but rather to recognize each type of woman and treat her accordingly. I wanted to develop a rating system / single hoes report card, but figured this was waaaaay more ingenious (not to ride my own nuts or anything.)

Don't worry ladies, I'm blogging the types of single men (no homo) tomorrow, just to be fair.

So take off your condoms and get ready to splash your man milk on some faces as Showrocka present's.......



Cereal Daters Pt. 1 of 2: The Women



The Frosted Flake...





Gotta love em...Love to hate em' that is!!!



These Tony the tigers of the walking vagina world are far from grrrrrreat. These are the hoes, (not meaning promiscuous, just a word I like to use to seem edgy), who constantly make plans but ALWAYS cancel. Reasons? Well, there are really only three. 1.) Baby Daddy / Babysitter Issues, 2.) Boyfriend or Husband Issues or 3.) She's just not that into you dude (whiteboy voice).



Why even put up with this type of rude behavior, might you ask? The answer is simple. Either you like the girl to some extent and are keeping hope alive in the tradition of Jesse Jackson, you havent smashed yet and really want to, or you have an a spades hand full of other hoes and this is just another "possible." Get it? Spades, hoes? Come on...read a book on agriculture and farming. LOL.



Ladies, I know you probably think that we are suckers or havent noticed that you continually do this, but in the end I never offer a problem without a solution. Here's a secret you may not know. We always double book plans on the days we are "meeting up" with you, because we know you'll cancel. Surprise a single man by saying "yes, be there at eight. " He'll be pissed cause he'll have to cancel his date with a non flaky girl, who will then label him a flake. LOL. OOoooohhhh In yo face Nigga!!!!



The Lucky Charm...




Ever had a girl with you that you felt was just good luck...like a four leaf clover? A girl who you felt could do nothing but bring you joyus times and moments of merriment in monumental magnitudes? Yeah...me neither, so let me stop bullshitting.



The lucky charms are B's (think report cards, not cup size) of our single lady spectrum. These are the girls you call because every time you do...you get lucky! You know? Get some moo-shu....knock boots...do the "Grown-up"...the "horizontal humpty hump"...take her on a vagtastic voyage...



C4: We get it show...we get it.


The problem with this type of Beyonce (single lady) is that YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HIT IT!!! Now don't get me wrong fellas, this is definitely a good thing for us, but for the ladies it kinda sucks. The thrill of the hunt is gone...Why go for the dead Gizelle when there's fresh meat to be hunted (no jail reference.)



These girls typically end up getting drunk dialed when our attempts at post bar and houseparty coitus go sour and prove fruitless...It's OK though, because the L.C's know this is how it works and take no offense at being labeled as a regular booty call. They, not surprisingly, do it to us as well. Why do you think she only picks up half the time? It's not cause she's mad silly...it's cause somebody else is diggin in that pot o' gold.

The Trix's





I prefer to call them entrepe-whores, and in the grand scheme of my business plan, they do not fit. These are the "C-class" girls, and I'm not talkin Mercedes. These are the slut monkeys with Cristol tastes and a fourty ounce budget (be careful, in 2010 many girls are taking on traits which show evidence that Tony may be fucking the trix rabitt and producing "Frosted Flake Trix. The two types are not mutually exclusive.)

Ever been out with a girl who is not shy to order but never reaches for the bill? Yea. Does she put out?



Tako: Of course...otherwise she better have bus fare home.


Exactly. These are the "I'm not a ho" hoes. They believe in chivilry just so long as they can go to Red Lobster or Olive Garden on your tab, dance when single ladies comes on and call you when their baby daddy won't give them money for pampers...or baby phat outfits. LOL.


Guess what nigga? Trix aren't for kids...you better be a grown ass man to handle her expensive ass. Good thing is, she'll make you feel like a grown ass man in return. Daddy's home (no homo)...and it's time to play. Aint Trix-in if you got it. LOL.




Dead.
- Showrocka the Black Kevin Costner

9 comments:

khaki la'docker said...

someone is in better mood! :does happy dance:

Alovelydai said...

Too funny! & I'm totally stealing "spades"...gotta keep it edgy u know!

A2K-10 Virus said...

Fuck a jumpoff! Call that bitch a Lucky Charm!

Damn son. Most applicable post to my life as a 23 year old African American (no I'm not just black, my parents were born in AfriKa).

Using cereal as an analogy (assumin you used 'like' or 'as' somewhere in ya post) is ingenious (I'm talkin Green Lantern Evil Genius 'Mix)

Me personally though, I use the NFL team system metaphor I created back in high school. I talk in terms of 'strings, (she's 3rd string), squads (Man that bitch's C-squad, and roster spots (that's my go-to player or franchise player).'

I also use NFL terminology such as, 'I signed her off the free agents list' or 'I claimed her off waivers' (aka another nigga folded, so I capitalized). Other comments go like this:

'Man I cut that jezebel.'

'I put her on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list.' Or 'I put that bow-legged, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, heffer on IR.' Both phrases meaning I'm allowed to pick up another harlot, free of charge and w/o using up a roster spot.

'She's my number 1 pick overall.' (an award that comes to the Delta Zeta that catches my eye from the incoming fall and spring class)

'She's special teams' (referring to the bitch is only good 1/3 of the time I bash)

As you can see, I am not the pinnacle of chivalry, but I'm black in college in a top 10 rated program in the nation.

Kiss my ass. When I get that Dr. to precede my name, I'm no longer spittin game at the clubs.
Scenario: Dr. A2K-10 is at the bar at a club and a potential roster bonus presents herself.

Free Agent: Hey you? You like fresh to deaf!

A2K- *thinking: its 'death' bitch.* (Hands her card.)

Free Agent- what's this? Oh you're a Doctor?!? You want to buy me a drink?

A2K- No, simple bitch. You see that card? It represents something. That card is good for one free drink credit, a couple grind sessions on the dance floor, culminating in a 5 am smash. Then you get a cab ride home. Yup that card symbolizes all dat.

(A2K-10 either dodges a slap to the face or a drink thrown to his face

Or

Does errthang the card gives him to freedom to do and goes home a winner)

In dressin up like a thug (aka Bodie from 'The Wire') for my last ever pharmacy final at 2pm today and then makin it rain wit 40 1 dollar bills in front of the proctor as soon as I turn in the exam,

A2K-10 Virus
cl(Ass) of 2011 Pharm.D. Candidate

Akere said...

Fuck a jumpoff! Call that bitch a Lucky Charm!

Damn son. Most applicable post to my life as a 23 year old African American (no I'm not just black, my parents were born in AfriKa).

Using cereal as an analogy (assumin you used 'like' or 'as' somewhere in ya post) is ingenious (I'm talkin Green Lantern Evil Genius 'Mix)

Me personally though, I use the NFL team system metaphor I created back in high school. I talk in terms of 'strings, (she's 3rd string), squads (Man that bitch's C-squad, and roster spots (that's my go-to player or franchise player).'

I also use NFL terminology such as, 'I signed her off the free agents list' or 'I claimed her off waivers' (aka another nigga folded, so I capitalized). Other comments go like this:

'Man I cut that jezebel.'

'I put her on the PUP (physically unable to perform) list.' Or 'I put that bow-legged, knock-kneed, pigeon-toed, heffer on IR.' Both phrases meaning I'm allowed to pick up another harlot, free of charge and w/o using up a roster spot.

'She's my number 1 pick overall.' (an award that comes to the Delta Zeta that catches my eye from the incoming fall and spring class)

'She's special teams' (referring to the bitch is only good 1/3 of the time I bash)

As you can see, I am not the pinnacle of chivalry, but I'm black in college in a top 10 rated program in the nation.

Kiss my ass. When I get that Dr. to precede my name, I'm no longer spittin game at the clubs.
Scenario: Dr. A2K-10 is at the bar at a club and a potential roster bonus presents herself.

Free Agent: Hey you? You like fresh to deaf!

A2K- *thinking: its 'death' bitch.* (Hands her card.)

Free Agent- what's this? Oh you're a Doctor?!? You want to buy me a drink?

A2K- No, simple bitch. You see that card? It represents something. That card is good for one free drink credit, a couple grind sessions on the dance floor, culminating in a 5 am smash. Then you get a cab ride home. Yup that card symbolizes all dat.

(A2K-10 either dodges a slap to the face or a drink thrown to his face

Or

Does errthang the card gives him to freedom to do and goes home a winner)

In dressin up like a thug (aka Bodie from 'The Wire') for my last ever pharmacy final at 2pm today and then makin it rain wit 40 1 dollar bills in front of the proctor as soon as I turn in the exam,

A2K-10 Virus
cl(Ass) of 2011 Pharm.D. Candidate

MW said...

This is brilliant. I'd love to see what types of cereal daters didn't make the cut. I'll suggest a few of my own, for no other reason but to piggyback off of you (no homo) and your ideas (no plagiarism).

The Cinnamon Toasted Crunk

Often inebriated or under an influence, this one can either way. You get drunk/coked-out texts and you end up with some sloppy but satisfying sex, after which said crunk vomits all over your shitter. Which is then defiled. Else, you end uo with a semi waiting for the return text which never happens because they passed out in a pool of their own filth.

The Alpha-Bitch

You need to wade through a shitload of shit-talking to deal with this negative type, whose conversation ends up being a diatribe against everything and scorn for mankind itself. Granted, this may build up for some hot, angry sex, but say one wrong word and you are going home with a slap on the face and a pair of sticky undies. ...What, no one else likes getting smacked around?

The Cheery-Ho

So goddamn affable that they flirt with everyone in the goddamn joint. You gotta keep drizzling on the honey if you wanna drizzle the nut, else this ho is gonna float away from you and get spooned by someone else and show him the Oh-face!

Rice Krispie

Anyone else like Asians besides me? Shit.


...I'm so glad they still don't make Urkel-Os. Yeah, it was a thing. And no one needs to wake up next to a Myrtle Urkel.

RAGE said...

From a female's point of view...

Frosted Flakes: Tony the Tiger's favorite cornflakes have led the Kellogg's pack since they were introduced in 1952. (A ho with experience)

Lucky Charms: Made with whole grain, is fortified with 12 vitamins and minerals, and is a good source of calcium. (A healthy ho)

Trix: You Trix rabbit just can’t resist those fruity flavors – raspberry red, lemony lemon, orangey orange, wildberry blue, grapity purple and watermelon. (A tasty ho)

Cinnamon Toast Crunch: In 2009 the slogan became "Crave those crazy squares". (A horny ho)

Rice Krispies: At less than 50 cents a bowl, including milk, Kellogg’s® breakfast cereal is still one of the best values in nutrition. (a cheap ho, even cheaper in China)

Cheerios: The #1 cereal in the world. (THE ho you keep calling)

I wonder why you keep coming back for more.

Can't wait to hear what you think--we think of the men.

Rock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rock said...

@ Rage and MW-Usain Bolt, Keep em commin (pause.) I love it.

Sorry, too many typos the first time around.

MW said...

I'll add in...

Grope Nuts

All over your shit. In fact, too all over. Dick-riding is fine but, damn bitch, let me breathe! Step back a minute! I need to text my friend to tell him what a desperate slut you are.

Kashi GOHOME

You've had enough of these shenanigans. Even another gin and tonic can't make you enjoy this person's company, no matter how blue your balls are. Sometimes it's just time to say "no". It's hard, I know it, but some hookups are not worth the effort, even the sunk costs of several drinks can't justify giving a Kashi GOHOME a tumble in your sheets.

Krusty-Ohhh Dayumn

Yes, Krusty-Os are a fictional cereal from the Simpsons but they were produced in limited amounts to promote the film. ...Where was I going here? Oh, right. Filthy McNasty or the occasional Mary Rottencrotch (to borrow an Grandpa-ism). There's a limit to how dirty sex can and should be. You can't be April Fabreeze fresh after a night at the club (that's where all black people go right? that club?), but goddamn if you can't maintain the semblance of cleanliness. No one wants to build their own Krusty the Clown out of caked on makeup and panty crust the next morning.

Boob Berry

Buh-zayum! That's some tit. Enough said?

Cocoa (or Fruity) Back-Pedals

Call this the deal-un-sealer(er). You can be the perfect gentleman or a filthy hands-on lothario, or ideally both. You can pay for a $50 dinner and $12 dollar drinks to follow and then get iced out. Gold-digger out to get a free meal ticket (the Golden Grift making you her Sugar Bear)? Maybe, or maybe she's had her fun. "Let's just be friends?" Who the fuck eats Good Friends cereal anyway?

Honey Needs-Some-Smacks

Man, sometimes it's great to be able to put your date in place with well-timed physical violence. And sometimes it's great to choke someone as you fuck them. ...Don't knock it until you try it. And don't knock her in the face unless she begs for it.

I'm running out of cereals, dammit.