Thursday, March 4, 2010

Why I hate strip clubs…and I’M NOT GAY

So it looks like the Blogness Monsta is still going through some issues, has probably checked into heartbreak hotel and still isn't in proper blogging form. As one of the only individuals trusted enough by the Bros to contribute guest posts, here I stand.

Blogness will be back to normal soon, and in the meantime, he's MIA and we're gonna hold him down...should I have said no homo there? Im kinda new to this.

Anyway, lets just get into it and avoid the "who the hell is this blogging and what have you done with the bros" song and dance.

Its me, Slim Jones Bi*ch...aka Mr. Jew-Latto the curly headed bro. Let's go!!!!!!!!!

Why I hate strip clubs…and I’M NOT GAY

OK, lets get something out of the way. I may not be a player by any stretch of the imagination, but I am NOT GAY.

C4: It's Playa.

SJ: Whatever.

Even though 95% of you (including some of you that know me) will question my heterosexuality based on the title of this, let me elaborate before you judge. If you feel I am gay after this, then maybe I have some serious thinking to do. Just kidding, I have already contemplated my gayness and am pretty sure I am straight.

C4: "I have already contemplated my gayness and am pretty sure I am straight." What!!? NO HOMO. Like Really.

Also, in no way am I arguing women's rights or trying to say that stripping demeans women. They chose to do it, so I don’t feel bad for them….

Let’s clarify... There are only three reasons why men go to strip clubs.

1. It is someone’s bachelor party – This happens to be the sole reason I will go without fighting tooth and nail. But only because I am a good friend (no homo)

The Problem: You end up spending all your money on the bachelor, and here’s about how it goes.

Stripper 1: So is this (points at bachelor) the bachelor?

You: No you dumb bitch, he just looks sad because his turtle died….Ok really, you say yes.

Stripper 1: Buy him a lap dance from me.

You: Ummmm
Stripper 1: (calls over every stripper not currently feeding her infant in between songs)

Stripper 2,3: I think you should get him a lapdance from all three of us at once.

Stripper 4: and while they are giving him a lap dance, I will hang upside down and massage his head.

Stripper 5: And I will read him ‘Harry Potter’ at the same time. I only strip part time, I'm really going to school.

You basically have to say yes because, well, the guy is about to get married (insert ominous music). Well, there goes $500+….then you realize you paid a STRIPPER $100 to read to your boy!! (whats the chances she can read at the necessary 4th grade level to even read Harry Potter anyway!)

Now you've got no money so the strippers avoid you like the plague and you are stuck in a smelly bar paying $14 for a warm coors light... don’t you love strip club prices.

2. To get drunk with your boys and have some good background entertainment –

Good is a relative descriptive term…..When you start naming strippers ‘skeletor’ and ‘big boobs-ugly face’, are you really happy you get to watch them at all, let alone naked? Not to mention they harass you more than the homeless guys in Grand Central station.

Sure it can be considered entertainment to sit there with your buddies and invent these great nicknames, but do you feel it is worth paying someone $5 in dollar bills just to make up funny nicknames and talk about all that is wrong with them…. You can do that for free on the street to random people passing by.

And of course you get to listen the life stories of strippers at times. Now, this is entertaining for the first few times, until you realize that (1) they all tell the same stories and (2) you start to feel bad for their kids. An example:

While at everyone’s favorite club, Rocka's favorite ‘employee’ [name removed because I can’t even spell it] (hell if I know how to spell most stripper names that are not baked goods or other common items) spent 20 minutes telling me about how she brought her 3 year old son to a Weezy concert.

This was damn entertaining for a while as she showed us pics of her son with a toy plastic gun and the full thugged out package (crystal encrusted belt buckle included). Let's not forget that she brought her mom too so she could get wasted and her son could be ‘responsibly taken care of’ …. She actually snuck Hennessey into the venue in her son's sippy cup!!!!

Now, she may be a great mom, excluding these indiscretions, but after you hear these stories over and over, they become less entertaining.

3. To pop-off – If you don’t know what this means, google it though I have no clue what translations you will find.

This is the hardest (no pun intended) to argue against. It makes the most sense, if this is your interest (DISCLAIMER to certain people reading this blog: I do not do this). You give some ho (sorry, I meant nice girl who is trying to pay her nursing school tuition) some money and you end up happy.

The problem is you got to deal with all the other shit (harassed for tips by other dancers, or getting your life threatened by the girls ‘strip club boyfriend’ aka pimp).

There should just be the equivalent of drive-through. No complications, pay for what you want and bounce. Sadly prostitution is not legal in this country and for some reason the government feels that you should pay more money for stuff you don’t want ….Yep, we have a black President and I will still talk shit about him without feeling racist. Barack, put the health care bill to the side for now and work on reforming this terrible Pop-Off predicament as soon as possible.

Let me clarify that some places are exceptions. Everyone should travel to the Poconos and hit up a club called the Dusty where the above problems still exist, but it is still heaven on earth……..

Call me gay, whatever. But you can’t tell me that I don’t make sense.

Save the money, go chill with your boys at a regular bar and buy a few dvds for your collection….Or just go to the NHB sponsored Poconos Trip…

-Slim Jones


Akira said...


I enjoy all posts in list form. Please continue this.

MW said...

"[H]e just looks sad because his turtle died": Ha!

The best way to kill, or at least frighten, your turtle is to let a possibly retarded and very likely underage fat bespectacled whore blow you for a double-sawbuck in a frat house atmosphere.

Also, good call on the "they all tell the same [life] stories" thing. Too true: there's only so many variations on the theme before you just want them to shut up and do something nasty for your amusement. Put away the pathos-inducing violins and give my boy a discounted couch-dance.

Adapting an old maxim, these strippers (like their children) should be seen and not heard. And especially shouldn't be heard from a month later as they're clutching a plus-signed "First Response".

Anonymous said...

I agree. Lists are the bomb.

And, You were dead on about every stripper being in nursing school.

I don't know about you, but I believe that anyone who can grab a dollar bill with her butt cheeks all the while coaxing more money out of you, has the multi-tasking skills to be a nurse.

Or, if shes just a liar and is being untruthful about actually stripping for tuition, perhaps she should look towards Law School. Haha.

Amir said...

Gotta say, I despise strip clubs myself, but will accompany friends if properly coerced.

(for Akira's sake)
Reasons for my general dislike:
1) I don't like nasty sweaty girls touching my skin, which is inevitable in a strip club. (In the event that I feel obliged to tip, I put the money on the table/bar and let her pick it up.. BLECK!)

Reasons why I go if coerced:
1) Strip clubs nights often provide great stories (SEE extortion schemes) to be used later.

That's all I got. (Damn, isn't there an unwritten rule somewhere that says you shouldn't make a list if you don't have at least two points? Maybe that's why I don't listen to Akira and do my own thing anyway.)

Akira said...

Habib you're still the worst.

and its hilarious that none of you guys like strip clubs. Perhaps you OD'd on them during college and they've lost their allure?

Its all fun and games until you go into the wrong one in North Philly.

MW, please start your blog again. It can really just be all of your comments from here, a la the 'Whatever, Martha!' show. Or Tosh.0. Or Talk Soup. Anything that comments on other things.

Rock said...

As expected, I love strip clubs akira.


MW said...

...Oddly enough I sort of love them too. Except for the drain on my wallet. So, in very limited doses.

The smell of pole grease, residual cigarette smoke, filthy lucre, fear sweat, and bad upbringings!: they form that pungent, exciting reek of desperation that is characteristic of the sex trade.

Just get their sweaty thongs away from my face and get me a few Red Bulls and Vodkas and I'll feel like a strip club superstar.

If the Bros ran a strip club I'd certainly have to frequent it.

C4 said...

My inaugural strip club experienc was a traumatic one at CC's on 40th and Filbert in West Philthy. But I've never had a bad time at Delilah's, and I'm a fan of Russian strip clubs too. Great customer service in Mother Russia, lol.

The Imperial WJA3 said...

Never been to a strip club and never plan on going to one as they combine immorality with dirtiness. I can occasionally do immoral & less often, I can do dirty, but I can't do both at the same time.