Thursday, March 11, 2010

Vicky's Dirty Little Secret

Ewww, muthafu*ka Ewwwwwww.

For those of you who only get your News from Wendy Williams, Miss Info, and the tidbits you learn from commercials during For the Love of Ray J, listen up! I say listen up because I know you women in particular are the exact type of women spending half of your baby daddy's child support check in Vicki's Secret buying shit for your new man. I don't fault you for it tho ladies...if he was handling what he had to, you wouldn't have went elsewhere...unless you're just a chickenhead and the new dude has a bigger chain.

These things being said, the following video may be more disturbing than last weeks video of the white dude whoopin the old black guys ass. Watch and enjoy as you learn Vickys (in addition to Macys and some other spots)'s dirty little secret...They've been re-selling used lingerie!!!!!! God I hope it wasn't the edible kind. Illlllk (Pusha T voice.)

Yep. That's not something from the Onion, or some fabricated you tube video. This was an undercover Msnbc operation where they pointed out how filthy some retailers actually are. While I highly anticipate reading your reactions to this, I don't think I'm quite ready to end this post . It's just getting good.

That being said, we are going to suggest that Victoria's Secret Hire Bros C4 and Show-Sho to handle their Public relations Press conference and do damage control.

Press: So, were you in fact selling soiled undergarments to an unsuspecting public? If not, how do you explain the results of the investigation.

C4 for Victorias Secret:
Let me ask you a question. Does Stop & Shop get chastised for selling a bruised apple? Does R-kelly get faced with a gazillion paternity suits for making "baby makin' music?" The answer is no. Let's face it, what your cameras perceived as a "stain" may have actually been a mere fingerprint, or a result of some ice cream eating shopper's chocolate stained hands. The so called "stained" merchandise was found in the bargain bin, right? Is this not where our no so affluent customer base goes to meticulously pick through discounted garments?

So you're saying that this whole thing is a misunderstanding?

Show for Victoria's Secret:
Let's be honest. Every store has a niche, and while we may not be Lepearla or Fredericks of Hollywood, we do fill a basic need. We're bringing sexy, scratch that. We're the reason Sexy never left. Sure higher end stores may have the mechanisms by which to prevent customers from handling merchandise, but we feel that in the game of lingere, you definitely want to be "Hands on."

(Insert audience laugh.)

Show for Victoria's Secret:
We are the Walmart of the lingerie world. Everyone knows us, everyone wants to try us out, and who are we to compromise affordability by wasting time policing the bargain bin. That's like a homeless man complaining about bleach stains on a shirt he got from the dumpster! I kid, I kid. I love the homeless, as a matter of fact, I banged a homeless chick last week. Kidding. See, we are down to earth nonsense, no false pretenses, no bullshit.

We represent the everyday American consumer, and if you want to "stain" our image simply because we stand for good old fashioned, no frills consumer savings....then you are staining the entire system of good old fashioned American Capitalism.

(Insert Applause)

3 for Victoria's secret:
Top 5 reasons we didn't do it!!!

5. We shop here for our girlfriends (excluding Show who got dumped and Tako who can't get a chick to save his Japanese life).

4. It'd be cheaper to have our Taiwanese sweat shop workers make 1,000,000 pairs of new drawers than it is to have this press conference.

3. Had we actually been doing this all along, we would have been laughing so hard there's know way it'd have taken this long for us to be exposed.

2. We aint touchin no female's dirty panties...not J-Lo's, not Rosie's, not Vivicas.

1. That's just Nasty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aka we know our chickenhead jump offs shop there and we aint trying to catch any STI's, STD's, UTI's or whatever they call them these days.

for Victoria's secret:
Back in Japan we have an old saying that goes like this. " The best place to meet a woman with no slip is at a sushi bar." You claim we are re-selling our wears? Prove it. Sniff it. I assume you're all not 40 year old virgins and know what Japanese fish cake, aka Budussy, smells like. Give it a sniff test. Ah haaaaa. Clean as a samurai sword dipped in the wave grease Show-sho uses on his beard.

We rest our case. Bitches.

--The Bros


MW said...

Well, did Tako-san mention that some people in Japan actually wanted to buy used undergarments? And would do it from vending machines? Yes folks, there is a thriving fetish scene for used-undie freaks. On one occasion I have been offered cash money for a pair of my tighty whities. Seriously.

Granted, this business of reselling used underwear seems disgusting. And it is. I don't want a veritable Neptune's bounty of crabs migrating to my nether jungle if I buy a pair of pre-skidmarked draws (linguistic sidenote: can anyone actually says "draw-ers" here?).

But, what about any other article of clothing? For all intents and purposes, a normal T-shirt is an "undergarment", in the sense that it touches the skin and may go below a sweater or a jacket. People routinely try on items at stores which they do not purchase. Their clammy sweaty torsos and stank-ass armpits have rubbed against the very fabric you place against your skin. And Lord only knows, what if those Diesel jeans you buy had been tried on by someone who was "going commando" (AKA "freeballing")?

P.S. Great fake interview.

Akira said...

enjoyed the list. Thank you dubjay.

victorias secret has fitting rooms, and is always down to let you try things on. its just easier to wash before use there.