Monday, March 8, 2010

More Rap Lies: "I'm not a rapper!"

How many times in rap songs have we heard some variation of the following: "Yo n-words got it twisted out here thinking shit is sweet, trying to test me son. I'm NOT A RAPPER! I do this shit for REAL! I'll really kill you! I hustle sun up to sunset, I bust GUNS, n-word!!! I pumps dat base on da block ya dig?! I ain't no rapper ain't no actor I'm a muthafuckin gangsta, biiiiitch!!!"


Oh really? You're not a rapper? Well if you're suffering from mistaken identity, then you're doing a pretty piss poor job of convincing me of your actual occupation. Because the only time I see gangsters on TV, they're on the news because they've been recently apprehended for doing some gangsta shit. You know, selling crack, murder, etc. The usual.

Now when I see rappers on TV, they usually are in music videos PRETENDING to do gangsta shit, or on the Internet BLOGGING about how hard they are; or funnier still, on YOUTUBE talking directly to me about the gangsta shit they do, and their philosophies about said gangsta shit. (see: Jim Jones, Maino, Max B, et al)

It's the (usually) male equivalent of a stripper descending acrobatically from an 18ft tall pole, collecting her dollar bills, hustling you for a lapdance, maybe doming you up in the back room, then adamantly denying her status as a stripper. What do you say to this delusional hoe? "Oh alright, cool." And in your head you're saying, "Yeah whatever bitch I better not have crabs."

Which is basically how we the public think of these rappers. Yeah, sure, your CD better be worth the time I took to download it and the virus I risked (if I have a PC). If you do something, you get paid to do it, it's your job. Admit it! No one believes you, rapper-in-denial.

Like, the shit was cute at first (pause). But now it's just getting out of hand. I blame Jay-Z. Hov does things, says things, other rappers copy him, point blank. And half of his popularity is based on the fact that he was once a pretty successful hustler. But he won't let us forget it even though he's 40 years old and talking about 1988.

The Clipse have built an entire career somehow making three albums about cooking up and selling crack. And I love it!!! How ridiculous is this premise? I am ashamed to tell you that I am an artist and entertainer, trying to get rich from having impeccable creative skills. But let me tell you about the crack I used to sell! Mmmm! I was a wizard in that kitchen. I made it so that all the drug addicts went crazy! People were overdosing left and right! Me? I destroy the community with the best of them. I'm damn good. I love my job. But yeah this whole being famous for the poetry I set to an intricately percussive rhythm and market to the public through an elaborate corporate scheme that includes distribution at Wal-mart and live performances, I just kind of do that on the side.

Nigga please. If you were a gangsta right now, a drug dealer right now, you would be out shooting muthafuckas up and having muthafuckas shoot up, RIGHT NOW! Stop it. Just stop it.

Maybe that's why so many rappers end up in jail, trying to be like Pac talking about some shit THEN going and doing it instead of the other way around, saying I used to do XYZ, etc. (see C-Murder, T.I., et al). That's why Pac is dead, assholes!

My favorite was Terror Squad in the Big Pun days. Go listen to Pun's two albums. Aside from thoroughly enjoying yourself, you'll hear some of the most reckless gangsta ass ad libs ever recorded coming from him and Fat Joe, who really isn't a rapper because he doesn't write his own shit, real talk. Look for a diss towards the end of the second album aimed at a pre-shot-up 50 Cent. "And to that 50 Cent rapper, go ahead and get ya nut off, cuz in real life for real I'll blow ya muthafuckin head off!"


Not a blogger,

C4 2 Ya Door


Anonymous said...

I think the problems start when people actually believe the nonsense. There’s some dude out there quoting Rick Ross or Jeezy, believing he’s really a ‘boss’ and wants to do the same thing they about. Now dude’s locked up or dead cuz he bought into an image.

Rock said...

I, for one, love actual gangsta shit. The 4:00 pm shootout last week between jeezys CTE click and Gucci's 1017 Brick Squad... Awesome. We are attracted to things we are too tame or scared to be involved with. Problem is, the real gangsta aren't great rappers. See : jeezy, gucci, tru life, wacka flacka, with the exception of black rob the career burglar.