Friday, March 26, 2010

The Jay-Z Work out.

Hov used to be a skinny mutha sucka. Maybe this recent invasion of the flabtastic midsection is Black God's way of saying "you wanna try and be B.I.G? I'ma make you look like his ass." If he suddenly develops a cock eye (pause) we know this was the case.



Sheiiiiit, maybe its even White God's way of saying "well, well Mr. Carter. You think it is OK to go ahead and knock up one of the few colored females that all races of men can find attractive? Fine. So it shall be. You, my friend, shall also look pregnant with her thereby denying you access to any other poontang. "



Whatever the case, this nigga's fat, and has about as much business giving exercise advice as Pimp C, DJ AM, Weezy and DMX have teaching a D.A.R.E Class. Dead.




The Jay-Z Power-Move Workout:

How hip-hop's most successful entrepreneur stays fit despite having the busiest schedule of all
From the Fitness Editor's of Men's Health

Squat Press
Quads, shoulders, hamstrings, glutes, core


Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart. Your arms should be bent so that your fists are at shoulder height, palms forward. Squat with your hips pushed back—as if you were going to sit in a chair—until your thighs are parallel to the floor. At the same time, press your arms skyward. Slowly come back to the starting position. Repeat five times, building up to 15 reps.

Pull-up Blast
Back, core, biceps, hip flexors


Begin in a classic pull-up position, hands slightly wider than shoulder-width apart. In one explosive movement, pull yourself up and tuck your knees into your chest. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, building up to 20 reps.

Stability-Ball Single-Arm Press
Chest, core, shoulders, triceps


Begin with your upper back on a stability ball. Bend your elbows and hold a dumbbell in one hand (rest the other hand, fist clenched, on your stomach). Contract your abs to stabilize your body, and then extend the dumbbell straight up until your arm reaches a locked position. At the same time, shift your body weight onto the opposite elbow and push the dumbbell higher into the air. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, then switch sides and repeat.

Dead-Lift High Pull
Nearly every muscle from head to toe

Stand with your feet shoulder-width apart and grasp a barbell with a slightly wider grip, palms facing you. The movement begins with the barbell on the ground and your body in a low squat. Drive your hips and the bar up at the same time. As you lift the bar, keep your elbows higher than your hands and finish the motion at the top of your chest. Return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, building up to 15 reps.



Ummmm. Did I miss something here? Now I know people love Hov and all, but ummmmmm...really? Has the tendency to d*ck ride celebrities really gotten to the point where they are trying to pass this off as fit?


Good workout, but come on son!!!!



C4: We don't believe you, you need more people!!! (hov voice)



Tako: Or more abs. No homo.


Now don't get me wrong....I dont have a "situation" going on anymore, as I've gotten older and become a connsieur of fine spirits, but sheiiiiiit. I look better than this while beating off and eating Chinese chickenwings on the toilet. No homo. I'm just saying.




Men's Health, the magazine from which this stems, you should be ashamed of yourselves!!! And so should you beyonce.



Tako: Let the Hating Commence



Wja3: (Ignoring Showrock, listening to Tribe called quest in Ipod)



You fat, joe camel looking son of a bitch. How dare you try and tell me how to work out. Word to Malcom X son...We will not be hoodwinked, bamboozled or led astray.....We will not fall for the Okie Doke...You are not gonna convince us that you work out, just like you never convinced us you don't write down rhymes...you just said it because B.I.G. did, you posthumous swagger Jacking nut rider.



C4: Like I told u rock flab..nah, Hov did that, so hopefully you don't have to go through that.



Wja3: Top 5 out of shape people who's exercise advice I'd rather follow...



5. T.I.



At least skinny niggas can put on weight. Sure there's no definition (pause), but at least he looks like he skips both exercise and meals.


4. Tiger...not to be confused with Tyga


Out of shape but still has more white chicks between his sheets than Maxim.



Show: I'd take all Tiger's hoes as a collective over 1 Beyonce. Thats my story I'm stickin to it.


3. Russell Simmons



What? I see an Ab. Whatever...at least he's actually OLD!!!


2. Ricky Ross the Bawse!!!!




At least he's got tattoos and know's hes fat...



Tako: Lines like "Squeezin in my Lamborghini lookin like professor Klump" make him one of my favorite rappers.


Show: Word.


1. Kanye to the....

Yep. We put this queen on the list for one reason an one reason only...



Kanye's workout plan. It was a great song. Who cares if he's fat. Maybe we'll listen to Jay'z plan if he records it to a beat...or just lets us all take turns skeeting in beyonce.



Tako: Awwwww Skeet, skeet!!!



Show: Tharrrr she Blowwwwwwsssssssss.



Wja3: You guys are foolish.



C4: Bang Bang Skeetttttttttttttttttttttttttt. What up Naledge?? Pause.





--The Bros



6 comments:

khaki said...

this has made my morning!

Not really sure how Jay Z can give fitness advice- dude has a mean ass belly and uses "all black everything" as a way to mask his middle aged gut.

I guess the next issue will be Precious' guide to staying "healthy" and beautiful. :eye roll:

Rock said...

Show: I got her government son!

C4: Since when has getting a girl's government been an accomplishment. Is that what the world is comming to?

What a hater!!! I personally prefer the Rick Ross workout. Get Fat? Get more tats.

Carl said...

Please don't gain weight just to get more tats. Cuz that's something you would do.

khaki said...

:rolls eyes:
so, rock, do i seem like an _____ <--- insert birth name?

Rock said...

Not at all miss khack!!! So if u don't mind, in gonna keep callin u khaki. All sounds the same while drinkin a v8 splash ;)

MW said...

Don't confuse "out of shape" with "lacking 10-pack abs". That's almost approaching how gay people see fit and fat.