Thursday, March 25, 2010

Culture-Jacking: The Nubians Strike Back!

You might remember from last week, my Nappy Friends, that a sorority chapter of white girls from Arkansas won a national step competition recently, causing black people to lose their f***ing mind. You might also remember that we at NappyHeadedBros also noted some other fields of human endeavor that seem to be slipping away from black people. Today though, let's explore the places where we might be able to capture some valuable chess pieces from the boards of other ethnic groups.

Tako: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, C4?

Show: Talkin' 'bout gettin up in that Asian aaaaaasssss! No Mr. Sulu.

WJA3: I think he wants us to jack everybody's culture the way everybody has jacked ours. You're not that special, Tako.

Tako: And neither is your mother!

WJA3: I will end you.

C4: As I was saying...The following endeavors need to be infiltrated, if not dominated, by the African Diaspora (Zuberi!) in lieu of all the ground we've been losing lately on our home turf.

Commodity: The (hood) Chinese Restaurant
Culture Jacked: Chinese "Americans"

Listen. We all love and enjoy Chinese-style fried chicken wings, pork-fried rice and an egg roll. We know that all we need to be a successful and profitable business are a handful of undocumented Mexicans working the kitchen, a steady supply of stray cats for our meats that don't look like what we say they are, and a lot of MSG to make it all taste better, and voila! Bo Sing! New Number One!

Show: Preach!!!

Tako: Fuck you guys.

Basically, affordable Chinese restaurants are gonna be in the hood regardless, we might as well be the ones to profit from them since we represent 92.8% of the customer base anyway. Put some money back in the community, dammit.

Commodity: Financial Responsibility
Culture Jacked: White America! (Eminem Voice)
Every Sunday I watch football during football season, there is a limited type of commercial being marketed, to specific demographics. Funny beer commercials to young white men, and financial investment commercials for their fathers....who they know and who acknowledge them.

Why not us? Why isn't it cool for us to have savings accounts, stock portfolios, mutual funds, 401(k)'s and the like? Because rappers don't tell us it's cool. Think about it. Almost everything Jay-Z or Lil Wayne or whoever the hot rapper of the time is says is cool, becomes cool. Hence, broke niggas with no business knowing anything about Audermars, Ace of Spades, Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton, etc., adore these name brands and aspire to them how? By making enough money to afford them? No. By wasting their rent money on short-term stunting.

So let's have these rappers pump T. Rowe Rice in our face. Let Gucci Mane tell us about TD Ameritrade or Prudential, or whoever. These niggas are supposed to be rich, right? ACT LIKE IT.

I say the responsibility falls on Drake's beige mulatto shoulders to lead the way. His Jewish ass has already broken all the rules of who can be cool in hip-hop. Let him break this one.

Commodity: Good At Math
Culture Jacked: Asians

Basically we're gonna need to get this in order so that the previous one can truly come to fruition. Of course, this is not "cool" so we need to market this with a combination of rappers and flashy ass accountants, maybe some Wall Street cats can get involved too. Finally Obi Slopes can use his coontastic ways for the good. It'll look kind of like this:

We can justify the mouth jewelry by emphasizing that it's insured. Baby steps.

Commodity: Bollywood
Culture Jacked: Indians (the real ones)
This one is fairly simple. We already like making expensive ass music videos with lots of choreography, and as you can see from the above poster they don't mind marketing their films blaxploitation-style, so the transition would be fairly easy.

And this coup de swag also solves a problem that has been plaguing the black man for decades: how to break into the Indian pussy game.These bitches are exclusive! So we break the mold in the classic groupie method by creating one great African-American Bollywood star, and break out the Nan to soak up the residue from the curry flood gates. YA DIG?!

Don't think it's possible. Already happened in Japan. Big-Ups to Kerry from Mud/Bone aka the illest theatre collective to originate in the South Bronx, for hitting me up on facebook and alerting me to this occurrence. The man you are about to see is Jero, a Japanese enka singer who is American-born of African-American and Japanese descent. His maternal grandmother was Japanese. He is the first black enka singer in Japanese music history. Enka is "a Japanese popular music genre. Although considered to resemble traditional music stylistically, modern enka is a relatively recent musical form which arose in the context of such postwar expressions of modern Japanese nonmaterial nationalism as nihonjinron, while adopting a more traditional musical style than Japanese prewar popular ryūkōka music." At least that's what Wikipedia says. Anyway, check it out.

Tako: Why was the majority of this jacked from us Asians?

WJA3: Because y'all make up the world's majority, and you're the ones jacking our shit the hardest.

Show & C4: THANK YOU!

Love, Peace, and Nappyness,

-The Bros.


Akira said...


High Five at the Zuberi reference C4

Ive been known to "riverdance" when i get drunk at irish pubs. So, we can take that too. It kind of spills into crip walking at the end, but whatever, baby steps.

MW said...

Fuck you, Showrocka. I told you about Jero like, a year and a half ago! I can even sing the song "Umiyuki" at karaoke. Admittedly his video's gratuitous hip-hop styled dancing is really C- quality.

Jero took a genre that hasn't been cool since the late 60's and only marginally blackified it. His success in Japan was novelty, at best, so time will tell whether this one-trick pony will be a stud.

And fuck you, Tako Tsou, for knowing nothing about Asia, you wannabe slanty!

A2K-10 Virus said...

Ok hold up yall poll jockin ivy-league grads.

Jero graduated from my university, and was born in my hometown. Pretty the nigga did a concert here my junior year, so catch up on my stylo.

In adding another cauc-asian PITT girl's name into my Crackberry Memo's Hoe Sale list Last Night

The A2K-10 Virus
Killin it on The Westside of PA

A2K-10 Virus said...

Insert a 'sure' after the pretty. My bad.


Elliott said...

my favorite part, "flashy ass accountants". I say let the jacking commence.