Sunday, February 21, 2010

This is not OK Caucasians: An In Depth Study of the All you can eat Buffet.

Well, over the weekend we hit 40,000 hits, and in honor of the 40 acres and a mule white people still owe us, I'm going to present a special "This is not OK...Just for them. "

Ha, you bitches got all extra comfortable laughing at the misfortunes and coontastic mishaps of your melanin toned brethren, all the while forgetting your own alabaster shortcomings. Don't worry, I'm here to remind you in a condescending and pontificating manner. R-Kelly and Shane Sparks at a Bat-Mitzvah.

Disclaimer: This is not going to help me disprove Khaki's belief that I have something against fat people so I will include a list of F.I.L.F's at posts end. That is all.

This is not OK Caucasians: An In Depth Study of the All you can eat Buffet.

Since the Mid to late 1800's, black people have been accustomed to living a life of humility and frugality, learning to save what little cash or food they had for later dispersion amongst family and friends. This can be seen as the catalyst for most black peoples' poor dietary habits (saving every scrap of the animal and conjuring up dishes such as chitterlings and fat back, as well as eating grade F meat off McDonald's dollar menu to save a buck.) Please ignore the excess spending of Rappers and athletes from the hood as these are outliers.

Eventually, as History, the Emancipation Proclamation and my bearded brother Honest Abe will show you, our frugality paid off as we were soon allowed the chance to monetarily "buy" our freedom. This, my friends, was the ultimate Okie Doke (aka 52 Fake Out scheme) devised by white people, but beat being a slave and working on the plantation.

Case in point, blacks have become used to "getting by" with what little they have and taking advantage of the "all you can eat buffet" which is essentially a "hook up" in institutional form.

Caucasians have also discovered this phenomenon, but based on their history, they have been primed to view it and hence react to it differently.

Since Renaissance times in England (the Caucasian Motherland), portliness (being fat) has been a sign of affluence as having a Little bit of belly meat showed bi*ches that you were "eatin' good."

Unfortunately, this age old, common sensical correlation no longer holds true as rich white celebrities now use Louis Vuitton handbags and adopted African babies (ahem...slaves in training) to show their wealth and status all the while eating supposedly healthy 100 dollar organic salads and Acai berry juice.

What about the rest of the Caucasian population though?

Well you see boys and girls, the same way a mother with no high school education or drive may shift her focus on her Kids and pretend that she is happy because"Family is the most important thing in her life", those without the means to cop expensive bags and designer adopted babies will focus on other things. Enter the buffet.

While minorities used it as a necessity,most likely because they wanted to feed "X" amount of Children with "Y" amount of dollars, whites use it as a chance to re-channel their historically programmed desire for opulence and excess. Sure there are obese black people at buffets, but I highly doubt you will see an obese AFFLUENT black person at a buffet.

Also, black people are genetically pre-disposed to be fat (thanks to slavery's conditioning which killed our previous African organic diets and replaced it with an existence feeding off meat scraps), meaning that fat black people in a buffet may just be a coincidence.

This being said, I'm no racist or black supremacist (LOL), I just call it how I see it.

Whereas slavery has forced blacks into a hoarding mentality (grab the chap food and stuff it in your purse for later), the Renaissance has predisposed whites for a return to the era of decadence (eat all I can now in order to show my superiority.)

Sadly, in the end the results are the always the same...poor fat people running amok in the Pacific Buffets, Hometown Buffets, Sizzlers, Ponderosas, Chinese Buffets and American Steakhouses of America. White people, however, have begun to learn from the errors of their ways and are coming up with new ways to avoid these buffet pitfalls, such as the all you can eat salad bars at Pizza Hut and Applebee's. Now...if only we black people could find a way to get away from that damn dollar menu we'd be aiiight. LOL.

Live, Love, Mu-Shu Buffets


P.S. (F.I.L.F's)

Crystal Renn

Natalie Laughlin

Mia Tyler

And the list goes on!!!!


MW said...

....But by the same token you wouldn't really see a honky with a heavy bankroll at the Old Country Buffet either. J'accuse: this post has zero racial component whatsoever. You just want to pick on fatties!

...So be it.

But we all know you popped a semi thinking about plowing a white pig-ette puttering around in a Walmart mobile chair. I mean, look at how greedily she sucks on that oxygen tank hose!

Just call yourself the Rug Doctor and rent this mobile vacuum for an hour.

Rock said...

Rich white people don't eat at Buffets? Tell that to K-Fed and Eminem..They've been packing on pounds like Kanye does fudge. Didn't you used to be fat?? Ha!!! Proof. All you White people are one mistake away from reverting back to reninassance Fatness while we are getting closer and closer to our naturally programmed diet of Fruits and Grains. AFRICA UNITE (Bob Marley Voice.)

khaki said...

Im still laughing at the word portliness....sounds too much like porkliness.

so, you dont have anything against fat women- it's just fat black women? LOL

I can never be pleased- sorry.

Rock said...

You've got it Khaki!! You are absolutely correct. Now If I could only answer why.....

Perhaps a subconscious superiority complex whereby I believe "we can do better?" Maybe because it reminds me of what slavery's ( I know it's a stretch) dietary deficencies has primed us for?

Whatever the reason, congrats for having me pegged. I've known it for years...Now I can finally admit it.

Doesn't mean I'm giving up my penchant for fat puertoricans, ambiguously mixed plumpers and not so fat mocha colored cuties. Lol.

Akira said...


Add Cracker Barrel to this list - while not a buffet, I was able to get a sirloin, three eggs, grits, two biscuits, hashbrown casserole, fried apples, and gravy for 10 bucks. Including tax.

I choose my restaurants based on the number of fat white people going in.

MW, again, thumbs up. I hope you do something with words in real life.

Rock said...

Akira, The only reason I'm not throwing up after reading all that food you got for 10.00 dollars is because you are skinny.

Guess this proves Khaki's theory again, Damnit!!

MW said...

If you really want to cull some of the most tragic Caucasiadipose America has to offer, just find the internet intersection of This is Why You're Fat and People of Walmart.

I think it'd be much more entertaining if the Bros. had a plus-size model round-up ("no muumuu" for implying they'd be like rodeo cows), either virtual (i.e. a collection of other filthy, FILF-y chunkettes), or real (Jenny Craig-aphobic modeling agency casting call?).