Tuesday, February 16, 2010

There's no such thing as Platonic Friends of the Opposite Sex

Arenas: So I'm saying...I'm glad you guys recognize the apparent hilarity and Irony of it all.

Show: Um, I'm kinda upset that I was wasn't higher up on the list of "Straight men that your gay homeboys find attractive." Ummm, No homo?

Arenas: Big no homo.

Show: With a pause on the side. LOL.

Arenas: No really, it's cool that I can have all you guys as Platonic friends and all. Its nice to be able to mention funny shit like that without fear of being judged. And people say you can't have Platonic friends of the opposite sex...or same sex if you're , you know, gay as me. LOL.

Show: Now hold on...Don't get it confused. Pause. We do judge you... and quite frankly, gay or not, you're a man ho. LOL. No offense.

Arenas: None taken. I've been told birds of a feather....

Show: I've been told if it walks like a duck....LOL. No , seriously though. I have a theory, and you fit into it perfectly. PAUSE!!!!

Show: The only reason we are all your Platonic friends is because we are not gay, meaning that you have no chance of banging us. LOL. That being said, it is the same with all of our female friends. There is no such thing as truly Platonic as they all fall in one of three categories.

1. Either you have boned them already.

2. You want to bone them.

3. You would bone them after a beer an a half if no one would find out.

There's really no explanation needed as I challenge you fellas to find a female exception to the rule.

The closest that me and my fellow Faceguy, Mr. K-man have come up with are the following outliers which MAY house the potential for a semi platonic friendship. FYI, lesbians don't count as the thought that you may be the one who can re-convert her to the pleasures of d**k (Pause) can make her even 10 X hotter.

Possibilities marked for further exploration:

1. Girls you've slept with so long ago that you almost forget it happened, and whom you dont really have interest in because , well.....it already happened. Or you've both clearly moved on.

2. Girls who are straight crazy. You may have banged, or know someone who has, but you know that the drama that comes with it is not equal to a lifetime of pain.

3. Girls with untreatable STD's of which you are made aware. Pretty self explanatory.

That's it folks. Three rules with only three Possible exceptions. I dare you to conjure up a better theoretic explanation.

Don't get upset fellas and ladies. It is perfectly OK that the ways of the world work like this...we just have to be aware of it. Just because you want to smash your friend doesn't mean you're going to do it. Ladies, just be aware and don't ask him to do shit like tell you if your butt looks flat in that new thong, an you'll be aiiiiiight. LMAO.

Live, Love, The Female Friends who don't kill me after this. LOL.


1 comment:

MW said...

This is less a United Statesian situation than one present in cultures closer to (and below?) the equator (pause), but how about non-blood "cousins", i.e. the children of your "aunts" and "uncles" with whom you share absolutely 0% of your genes?

It'd sound really awful to explain that you fucked your cousin, no matter how genetically dissimilar you are to each other.

Though on that note, a "possibility for future exploration" might be a stepsibling, in a Cruel Intentions-esque situation. Step- is such an ugly prefix anyway. Can't you just be "nonsanguineous siblings-with-benefits"?

If you can get past kinship vocabulary, you could even bone your blood uncle's hot wife, right? Or is this completely awful?

...My sense of morality had a ritual suicide pact with my sense of common decency. Good riddance, assholes.