Thursday, February 11, 2010

Shorty's True Stories (Pt. 4 or 5? Who remembers): Talk to Me Troll

Forgive me father for I am about to say some F'd up sh*t.

Am I even allowed to say that? No, not the cursing part, the part where I ask for forgiveness for something I haven't done yet AND know is completely fu*ked up? Guess I'll find out if i suddenly start sweating profusely or get struck by a lightning bolt. Whatever.

On to the Pistachio meat of the post!!!!

For those of you unfamiliar with the "true stories" post series, it deals with my own encounters with eclectically interesting random people, or my own dumb ass friends doing dumb shit. This instance represents the former as yet again, I ran into the type of Tomfoolery you can only expect to see working at a Bar.

Shorty's True Story's: Talk to me Troll

While tending door at the bar in a rare sober state (I have been on a healthy eating / exercising / no drinking kick), I spot her. Double chin, fat Rosy cheeks, portly gut without the African-American (Or Latina) "big girl belt" to mask the fact that she hasn't missed a meal since Taco Bell had that Salmonella Scare. Cute face, but don't all porkettas have cute faces?

Nevertheless, I digress...

Watching her troll around and inconspicuously gravitate towards any male (within her group of friends) who so much as looked her way, giving an over exaggerated "Yes I'm Interested!!!" type laugh, it was obvious that her overabundance of fat cells and decreased protein synthesis had caused her to fall victim to what we call "troll syndrome" aka Fatteus chickinbarre. That's Latin from the root word Fat. LOL.

Don't believe me? I urge you to try the theory. Find the fat, frumpy girl in a group of average to cute looking females. Disclaimer: If the fat girl is well dressed, affluent and surrounded by extremely hot girls, she may be suffering from a different syndrome known as "False sense of Beauty by association" aka Friendsis falseselfesteemis.

Barring that one caveat, all fat, frumpy girls aka Trolls, tend to mimic the behavior of others affected by the syndrome. I know the signs, I watched for them (as a means of entertainment, or a possibly gateway to free mu-shu fat girl punani...JK) and spotted a grade A troll.

Marker 1: Will have an extremely nice personality which no one will notice because she's fat and frumpy. As a compensatory defense mechanism, she will hop from guy friend to friend, soliciting anyone familiar who will show her attention.

Show: Check.

Marker 2: Will dance amidst her friends who are partnered up grinding with dudes, singing the words to the song louder than everyone else.

Show: Check.

Marker 3:
She will laugh extremely loud at shit that isn't funny.

Show: Chizzzeck.

Marker 4
: She will get extremely loose (whether drunk or feigning intoxication) once the prettier girls leave, thereby making her more attractive...i guess?

Show: Check

Marker 5:
She will befriend the bouncers, bartenders, waiters and other staff as a means to feel connected.

Show: Check and Check.

Marker 6:
Will have a tattoo somewhere completely visible, but where there is no fat. The only places left include the foot, the nape of the neck and the small of the back..ahem...tramp stamp, or cattle brand, depending on her weight. She will also find a way to point it out and make reference to it.

Troll: I bet your feet hurt standing there all night.

Show-Bouncer: Eh. I'm aiight. Usually I'm hammered, but I'm trying to be more healthy these days. Feet feel fine though. Comfortable shoes.

Troll: Oh. My feet are killing me because I just got this tattoo.

Shows tattoo. Insert corny "college girl inspirational phrase" which should really just read "the other white meat" or "look mom, no fat here!"

Troll: So what's your story?

Show-Bouncer: I just work here 1 night a week to help out a friend.

I do not tell her that I'm an Ivy League Graduate with a double masters who's tried his hand at pimping, has no kids and can probably beat her whole school in beerpong. Its irrelevant.

Show-Bouncer: Nice tat. I've got a few. So what are you drinking, you seemed pretty hyped-up out there dancing.

Troll: Actually its a secret. I'm drinking a non-alcoholic Margarita. See, my friend got so drunk last month that she had a pretty bad head injury so now she's rehabbing and cant drink for a few months. I agreed to be sober with her for a month.

Show-bouncer (In his head): Yea bitch, but shes drinking water, not holding a margarita glass defrauding drunk guys into believing a drunken hookup will be a consensual drunk decision between one person's beer goggles and another's undersexed fat libido.

Show-Bouncer (Aloud): That's being a good friend. Guess no ones getting you drunk and taking advantage of you!!

Troll: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (En voz Alta).

Show: I see your friends getting ready to catch the shuttle, you better go.

Troll: Nah, I think I'll hang around a bit later. I want to make sure my drunk guy friends make it home OK. I feel like I'm the responsible dorm mom.

Show-Bouncer (Aloud): I feel you.

Show-Bouncer (In Head): Yeah right. I smell a reverse rape coming on. This is like the horse riding the cowboy or bull on the matador. LOL.

Live, Love, Tellin it like it is.



Akira said...

fantastic case study

khaki said...

for real... first thing in the morning... i see this???

you have made my day. LOL