Point of the story is, when it comes to rap and the modern day minstrels we call rappers, Beef kills… like Mad cow disease in England. LOL.
On a side note, one of my first recorded rap songs was a Biggie diss track. It was recorded before he died, I have the only copy, and even after 14 years it’s probably better than half of the records on the radio now (despite me sounding like a bi*ch due to pre-puberty issues.) Nevertheless, I digress….
Needless to say, there were a number of highly publicized rap beefs (Biggie Vs. Pac, Jay-Z Vs. Nas), a number of rap beefs no one gave a shit about (Dr. Dre Vs. Jermaine Dupree, Benzino Vs. Anybody) and a few rap beefs you’ve never heard about but which are only relevant because they concern myself and the Hogwash Tomfoolery crew. Enjoy.
Rocka Vs. Ludacris
The scorching heat of a Mexican sun was beating down as if it was intentionally trying to dehydrate unsuspecting tourists in an effort to sell more Coronas. Beads of sweat poured down brows as a collective of frat boys gazed at scantily clad college co-eds from behind the tints of hundred dollar Ray ban shades, wishing they had time for one last fondle...one hook-up...one drunken romp. Tis the bittersweet ending of a spring break gone too soon, as the sex, drugs and rock and roll were almost a distant memory. It wasn't , however, over yet... muthfuc*as.
We still had time for one last Taco.
(A real taco, not the pink kind that bleeds once a month and makes you pay child support when it doesn't. )
As myself, Boozay, Slim Jones , M-Casa & A.C "Slay-her" sat down for their last mexican meal, an eerie silence filled the quaint taco shack, as alas, we were the only muthafu**as there. After receiving our BBQ chicken quesidillas (soooo hood) and a few pre-opened coronas which were obviously re-used bottles filled with semi-flat Tecate (the mexican bud Lite), I decide to hit the head (pause...), I mean hit the john (no homo)...damn, aight nigga, I was going to the bathroom!
Then it happened.
The Dim Mexican lighting seemed to cause a shimmery iridescent glow, almost similar to a halo, around two unmistakable interwoven french braids. Athena herself must've twisted this new growth, as these braids, (which for the record, "didn't go straight back...they went zig-zag, zig-zag, zig-zag back"-DEZO voice), seemed as though they were especially tailored as a crown of thorns for the GOD MC. That's right people. Ludacris was in the building, right in front of me, standing at the urinal.
I wanted to ask him about the groupies taking pics of him outside. Did he ever ask them "what's their fantasy" before deciding "how low they could go?" Would he even acknowledge me, his humblest yet biggest fan? Or would he simply "throw dem bo's" and tell me to "move bitch, get out the way." He couldn't be as heartless and cruel as he was in Hustle in Flow....that was just an acting role.
I can't go out like a sucker tho. I got it. He can't throw my demo in the urinal and piss on it if I don't give him one.
Then I did it. Luda was mid stream when I started reciting my best Showrock raps right behind him at the urinal. Record deal here I come. I was spitting my heart out. He would have to turn around...and he did...then he punched me in the face.
Yeah fuckin right.
Excited at seeing an A (minus) list celebrity, I put my fist in the air and say "Oh shit, its Luda. What up Luda?"
Sidenote: Skipping a meal would not have hurt his portly ass. (Pause).