Thursday, February 18, 2010

PAUSE: Celebrity "Dicks"

Show: For Today and Today only I am stepping down (pause) as chairman and CEO of I want nothing to do with this tomfoolery.

Take it away C4...

First and foremost, this entire post is on a perpetual PAUSE, no Adam Lambert. Now if you'll let me finish...I mean start...

I'm sure many of you by now know about the controversial John Mayer comments from his interview in Playboy after he was twisted off the top shelf drank. In case you missed it, the highlights:

PLAYBOY: If you didn't know you, would you think you're a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are "Your Body Is a Wonderland" and "Daughters." If you think those songs are pandering, then you'll think I'm a douche bag. It's like I come on very strong. I am a very...I'm just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can't handle very, then I'm a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That's why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you're very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, "What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?" And by the way, it's sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, "I can't really have a hood pass. I've never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, 'We're full.'"

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It's making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that's seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you'll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude's.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don't think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a fuckin' David Duke cock. I'm going to start dating separately from my dick.

If this isn't hilarious to you, I understand. It is to me though and it's my blog I ain't mad at John Mayer, for the following reasons:

1) He kept it real, somehow managing to do so WHILE using the n-word. In the first highlighted sentence, be basically admitted what most white people who think they're "down" do not. He DOES NOT have the hood/nigger pass. In fact, I might speculate as far as to say (and WJA3 agrees) he might have said it like "nigga" and it was written down as "nigger." Small, but notable difference, one which we cannot prove or disprove because we have no access to the recording.

2) He kept it real again, basically saying, "yeah I like black people and shit, but I'm not attracted to black women." Except he said it in a funny way, comparing his dick to David Duke.

3) I need not go in, the rest of America is crucifying him already so he'll learn the lesson. Hell he might start dating Lil Mama just to throw off the bigot scent. Can you imagine? Well...maybe not Lil Mama. Maybe Keyshia Cole. Last niiiiiiiightt.......
Remember Brandy?

Which brings us back to the awkward title of this post, no pun intended. Some guys name their dicks. Others let chicks name them. Others still just refer to them as dicks. So I, you're friendly neighborhood Blog Killah, decided to think back to all the different ways I have identified my own penis, and type those things out for your viewing entertainment.

Some of you know me personally, a little too well for the rest of this to not be weird. To you I say, get over it, or simply stop reading. Or skip to the part when ShowRocka starts doing the same thing. Or if you know him and will feel weird, go kick rocks. These are your options. Now...

C4 Presents:
Celebrity Names I Have Given My Dick

The Governor: This name I just thought was funny, I believe I stole it from some white sitcom where a British guy says, "I usually just ask if she wants to meet the governor." So of course when I employed this name and told the preceding story to a girl I dated once upon a time, I was very surprised to find out that the fake British accent thing turned her on. She loved meeting with the Governor, asked for him by name, and even requested I talk dirty to her in the British accent. That last part didn't last, it was too funny to me and I couldn't maintain wood while sounding so ridiculous. But she continued to love the Governor.

Paul Pierce: Despite the look of an overweight 3 or an undersized 4 (learn your basketball), extremely effective and highly skilled, known around the league as the toughest to defend against (no Colorado Kobe). Also, deadly in the 4th quarter. Nickname: The Truth. Not the prototype player, but an undeniable Finals MVP. Ya Dig?!

Mike Tyson: Stout and vicious. A physical specimen. Ability to knock out much larger opponents (aka big girls, lol) in the first round. Also will probably be spent before the 12th if asked to go longer than usual (SKEET!). Nickname: Kid Dynamite, Iron Mike.

Names to give one's penis when you know you're really handling your business:

Dikembe Mutombo: 7'2" African. 'Nuff Said.

David Ortiz: Latin version of the Mutumbo, aka the 9th inning walk-off HR. I have a very good friend who used to mess with a girl who went on to have an affair with David Ortiz in the DR. They still kept in contact, but said to his boys: "I ain't going back in there after David Ortiz, son! It's gonna be all baggy and shit I ain't even playin' myself like that, B."

Show: Really C4? You really let WJA3 convince you this was a good idea.
Drops Mic (PAUSE!!!!!).

To ya door, once more, this time hanging to the floor



MW said...

I find John Mayer's comments shamefully hilarious. He should have been more careful in his wording, though: he looked like even more of a douchebag weeping out his sorries on stage.

I appreciate and understand people's racial preferences in sex. We color with some crayons (pause) much more than others.

But, c'mon John Mayer. You wouldn't fuck a hot black chick? You're just pissed off because you want to drink your coffee black but the people at Starbucks insist that you can only handle a nice, calm Earl Grey, with extra half-and-half and Splenda.

Racial harmony and mutual tolerance begins with dirty, drunken interracial sex.

And that's a little bit of "very" you can take with you. ...Douche.

C4 said...

How is my blog brother gonna front like he got nothing to do with me today? Is this not the same man who suggested we taste our own skeet? And who is getting the faces of niggas who ain't dead on his back? I see hypocrisy here.

Rock said...

Fine, just so you don't call me a Hypocrite I'll offer some new insight.

I prefer to call mine O.J Simpson (Cause it's stabbed hella white girls) or's brown, it's bald and girls wanna kiss it. pause. D-Block!!

Akira said...

i should have stopped reading.