Monday, January 25, 2010

QuestLIES: The Story of the Legendary Roots 'Do

1/23/10, 10:24AM

I'm sure you all know that the Hope For Haiti telethon aired last night, in which dozens of celebrities came together in a sincere show of solidarity for the devastating tragedy that struck that impoverished nation last week. Surely, this occasion is no time for the hogwash tomfoolery and trivial humor usually associated with this blog.

P S Y C H !

Holy shit son. Amidst all of the uber-depressing stories about the devastation, the heartfelt pleas from Haitian natives and celebrity narrators, and the general down mood of the evening, there was sooooooooooooooooo much bloggable material, I would be a negligent Blog Killah if I did not touch the subject.

Frankly, I'm still flabbergasted by some of the shit that came to light last night. But let me backtrack for a moment.

Rewind to six days ago, Sunday, January 17th, 2010. Questlove of the legendary Roots crew and current Late Night with Jimmy Fallon band (I can't hate, get that guap!) was DJing a party at Southpaw in Brooklyn. I so happen to have been in attendance at this event, and real talk Questlove was handlin his biz on the 1's and 2's, I don't care what Dre Smooth says.

Show: Yeah so what, stop flaunting your backpacker tendencies. What the hell does this have to do with Hope For Haiti???

Funny you should mention that, Blogness. While dancing to the tunes blaring out of the speakers and through Quest's headphones, I couldn't help but notice the absence of his trademark afro. I was like, "Word, Questlove finally switchin' it up, rockin' the caesar with the crispy shape-up. That's cool." I think nothing of it, I go back to dancing. This was Sunday.

Fast-forward to last night, and Sting is singing live from the New York section of the telethon, being backed up by a lot of musicians, among them the Roots' guitar player, keyboardist, and of course, Questlove on the drums.

AND DIS NIGGA HAD AN AFRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Check out the video, he's there.

Shock. Confusion. I call up my friend who I went to Southpaw with like, "Yo do you SEE this shit?"

Jazzy Jen: What?! A Fro?! Are you serious??? But he had a caesar on Sunday.
C4: Dead ass.
Jazzy Jen: Maybe it was taped. Questlove wouldn't do this to us.
C4: I don't know, yo. I thought so too...
Jazzy Jen: This could be an epic fail.
C4: I know...


For anybody unfamiliar with the growth-rate of black hair, it don't happen like that. We are not Chia Pets. You do not have a caesar on Sunday then have a huge blowout on Friday. Could it be? I didn't wanna believe it. Maybe it was taped. I searched the web to make sure that it was a live telecast. It was. I even called my mama! She can make sense of anything. But there was only one plausible answer to this conundrum, and it wasn't a pretty one.


Questlove wears an afro wig.


Wow. That is disappointing. How long has this been going on? How long has the frickin' sweetest most glorious 'fro in all of modern pop culture been a sham??? How long have the people been lied to?

And why? What does he gain by this? Does he fear he won't be recognized without it? THE NIGGA IS 6'5"!!!! How many 6'5" black guys do you see playing the drums for the Roots?! One. Just one. Questlove.

Show: Now you know white people do not recognize semi-famous black people once they change their hair. I should know. I once cut all of my hair off and rocked a caesar at the end of senior year. I was bagging and boning the same white bitches twice like it was brand new!
Would these Japanese guys mistake him for Shaquille O'Neal without his afro?

I mean, I guess, maaaybe that's a reason behind it. Look, I understand, Quest. You've changed over the years. You've lost weight, your beard is much cleaner, and I get it. Afros are a bitch to manage. I also know you're the PR face of The Roots cuz Black Thought is an asshole/introvert. I know a guy who told me that LOTS of white people who he knew well did not recognize him without his dreads when cut them off. You might wanna go swimming (Nigga please). Maybe Jimmy Fallon got you under contract for it, whatever. But like this, though? I gotta find out on Hope for Fuckin Haiti???

I blame Erykah Badu. This is clearly her fault.
F!-A!-K!-E! Bitch you are not foolin' me!

Dat neo-soul hoodrat stay rocking a giant Angela Davis afro that is ALL WEAVE! She kicks it with The Roots, and she clearly has once again exerted her negative influence on a great hip-hop musician. Thank God Common didn't seed her up. Watch out, Jay Electronica! Watch your f***in back.


Oh man. I'm spent. I didn't plan on getting that emotional and in-depth. There was a whole lot more where that came from during the Hope For Haiti telethon last night.

Stay tuned for Part Deux of this telethon-related tomfoolery, I have not BEGUN to blog!

C4 2 Ya Door,

No 'Fro No More. Damn.
PS: Please donate to www.hopeforhaitinow.org, they're going to be needing all our support for a long time to come.

Sak Pase!


1 comment:

Rock said...

Maybe it was a questlove imposter at the picnic? I cant see him cutting th Trademark fro'. Better yet, maybe the Hope for Hati was taped prior to the Earthquake as Jay Z and his secret society of Illuminati (BONO, Etc.) were somehow briefed prior to the powers that be unleashing their underground earthquake machine designed to forever keep colored people impoverished. Just a "black" thought.