Normally I don't spend my Friday nights at the laundromat, but I had to hit the club and I wanted to be in some clean draws in case I got some that night. So there I was in the Kingston Laundromat in Crown Heights, where the only thing blaring through the two HDTV's and accompanying surround sound (but at home I got an old ass Sylvania. Bullshit.) was the Hope For Haiti telethon.
Everything happens for a reason, right? Cuz not only did I notice the scandal of Questlove's questionable hair, but I had to wash, dry and fold, so I saw the majority of that shit. I found a lot of hi-F'in-larious stuff during that telecast, mostly trying to keep my mind off all the depressing stories.
So, you know, I noticed some things. Here are a few.....
While all those celebrities were working the phone lines, did you notice how only the really super duper famous people got to be up front? Like, what were the politics behind that? Was Mel Gibson like, "Common? Who the f*** is Common? I made Lethal Weapon and Passion of the Motherf****** Christ!!! I will be in that front row!"
Just think about it. Robert DeNiro? Steven Spielberg? Julia Roberts? 1st rowers. The Rock? Not so much. For example, notice Justin Timberlake and hit nut ass whiteboy beard in the back row.
You look like you've been going down on Alanis Morissette for hours. Stop it, it's disgusting. Sexy is not back, it has left the building. Blondish-haired white guys rocking scruffy beards is NOT OK!!!! Your swag cannot withstand it, I'm sorry. You thought you had enough, but you used it up on the porkpie hat. And yes, Ferris Bueller wants it back. '80s in the house!!!!
Then the tragic Questlove business happened, which I'm still a little sad about, but you can scroll down and read about that.
Shortly thereafter, though, they cut to London with the Coldplay dude on piano, and Beyonce singing Halo:
Shoulder pads though, B? Sequins? C'mon son (Ed Lover style). Tina Turner called, she wants her weave back. And her jacket. (This changes nothing, baby, I still love and adore you and drink down my vitamins with your bath water)
Halo was an appropriate song for the evening, went with the somber tone, etc. And she gets credit for singing her own damn song. There were so many inappropriate covers that night in the name of "we need to be heavy because it's for Haiti." JT doing "Hallelujiah," for example.
By far, the worst cover came from Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock (remember when he was famous?) and Keith Urban (who?), aka pseudo-soulful-pseudo-hippy white people with guitars, singing Lean On Me.
Is it just me, or is it just that whenever white people cover a classic black song, it's just missing something? It just lacks, ever so painfully? It does not come off. I mean, look at these people. They look like they're posing so hard, no matter what song they're singing. It was gross.
The opposite, however, doesn't seem to be the case. Jennifer Hudson sang the hell out of the Beatles' Let It Be, looking sexy as hell with her big girl belt on.Guess soul goes a long way. Not long enough to overcome a speech impediment though. They had this Haitian singer named Emeline Michel singing Jimmy Cliff's classic, "Many Rivers To Cross." Yeah, that song is hilarious when you throw a Haitian accent on it, had her up there sounding like a black female Elmer Fudd, and I could not resist the chuckles every time she went, "Many Rivers To Cwoss!!" LOL! Don't believe me, here's the video.
I'm sure many of you think I'm a bad person now. Whatever just read my blog, thanks. I didn't just sit there folding clothes and hating all night. I also recognized good deeds where appropriate. Like Chris Rock serving as spokesman for The Champ, Muhammad Ali, who didn't want to talk on account of his Parkinson's Disease.
A poignant reminder that we are all human. And as humans, we should help each other.
Don't forget to donate to www.hopeforhaitinow.org.
C-4 2 Ya Door