Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hookup Hall of Fame: Derek Jeter

Today the Grand Coalition of Macks, Pimps and Players mourns the closing of one of the game's most prolific careers. A man who set new standards and raised the bar to new heights, urging players everywhere to step their game up, is officially calling it quits. That's right my Nappy Headed Friends, Derek Jeter is getting married.

The Bronx Bomber has announced his engagement to Minka Kelly, and the wedding has been set for November 5th.

<--Congratulations Ms. Kelly, you've slain Goliath. For years Derek Jeter has been running through some of the finest, most high-profile hoes our celebrity culture has to offer, and has been a shining beacon of hope for light-skinned and mulatto brothers everywhere, in the midst of the transgressions and sloppy pimping efforts thrown in by the likes of David Justice, Eric Benet, Tiger Woods, and other hazel-eyed idiots. Jay-Z might call himself the black Warren Buffett, but Derek Jeter is the mixed Warren Beatty. So before we officially hang that jersey in the rafters, let's take one final look at the stats.
C4 Presents
The Derek Jeter Hoe Highlight Reel: A Tribute

Mariah Carey
This right here won him Rookie of the Year in the real major leagues, ya dig?! This is before Eminem hit it and shitted all on her name, before Nick Cannon officially wifed her crazy ass up, before Mariah lost her f---in mind. They were just two mulatto peas in a pod. Then he realized, "Why wife up celebrity hotties when I can run through them like bayonnets?!"

Lara Dutta
Miss Universe 2000, Bollywood beauty straight from India
Pour, some, tikka on me!!!!

Joy Enriquez, singer
He apparently strong-armed her from A-Rod, much like how he strong-armed the shortstop position with the Yankees when A-Rod came over from the Rangers. Seems like A-Rod is destined to be forever styled-on by Derek Jeter. "I play Short 'round this hood, son! Yeah, and gimme your sexy latin vocalist too. Why don't you go play with overrated B level stars like yourself. Look, there's Kate Hudson. And Madonna's old dry wrinkly puss that everybody from here to Tijuana done worn out already. Why don't you run up in there and see if you don't strike out like it's the playoffs, ya gump!"

Jordana Brewster, actress
The one hiccup on the resume, his "Blood On The Dancefloor," if you will. Every hitter goes through a slump, the man ain't perfect. Some might say, "She's hot what are you talking about?" I say, "Shut up, Tita." J/k. She's cute in the standard white girl way, but she's more Tiger's type than Jeter's. What followed her however, was a run so powerful and vicious that John Mayer was even like, "I see you." He hit his stride, coming back with fire like Nate Robinson off the bench on these hoes!
Derek hits for the cycle:

Vanessa Minnillo
Baaaaad broad known for being an MTV VJ, and taking in the tiny penis of Nick Lachey after Jessica Simpson talked shit about it following their breakup. The bat of Derek Jeter has blessed her as well. We'll call her the single.

Jessica Alba
Allegedly gave her the Herp, but if he did, how do you explain the rest of these filet mignons?! Double down the right field line!

Scarlett Johansson
Rounding third....Can't BELIEVE dis nigga smashed my baby Scarlett! Well, yeah I can. She gets loose. She's one of these girls who you always think wants to fuck you. Or like some would say, "she got the hoe in her eye." I got something for your eye too, Sco-Jo....

Jessica Biel
Jessica Biel may be one of the all-time well-stacked snow bunnies on the planet who has not been surgically enhanced and does not do porn or rap videos. And her face is model-like in structure and geometric symmetry. I don't usually note cheekbones, but damn son. She's like Sportscenter. EVERY straight man is watching. I salute you, Derek.

C4 2 Ya Door,

No Creep No More

R.I.P. Derek Jeter's Pimpin, 2000-2010


The Imperial WJA3 said...

"Baaaaad broad known for being an MTV VJ, and taking in the tiny penis of Nick Lachey after Jessica Simpson talked shit about it following their breakup. The bat of Derek Jeter has blessed her as well. We'll call her the single."


Carl said...

Fair enough

A2K-10 Virus said...

I thought Jeter said he would not get married til he retired from professional baseball? Does this mean that his career will soon be coming to a close?

A2K-10- Run for your lives

Rock said...

No to meat hop, swag surf or pole-pogo (pause, but A2k-10 Virus's comments were funnir than the blog itself yesterday. I know Lefleur was madder than memphis bleek after seeing his first weeks #'s. LMAO.