Monday, January 11, 2010

Feed Me, Lie To Me, Teach Me About Music

Morning, Children! (Chef from South Park voice)

Today your friendly neighborhood Blog Killah begins with an ode to the one aspect of my life that never ever ever ever ever ever fails to provide me with love and satisfaction. That's right. Bacon. What? I know you've all seen the "Bacon Makes Everything Better" t-shirt add on facebook, but here's the proof.
My arteries AND my dick are getting hard! Somewhere Louis Farrakhan just spontaneously combusted.

I rest my case. Silly Muslims, you simply don't know what you're missing. And you non-swine-eaters who don't have a religious excuse? Shame on you! Turning your back on the one food that will NEVER lie to you. Bacon sits up and says, "Yeah I'm terrible for you. Yeah I produce my own grease in the pan. But you're gonna eat me, cuz I'm f***in' delicious." How many vaginas can say the same? The vagina being concealed by the above bikini, that's how many. Turkey bacon is aight, it's aight. But pork bacon is more john blaze than that! Turkey bacon is good, and so was Scottie Pippen. But Michael Jordan is the greatest!!! And so is bacon. Bu-Bu in H-Town knows what I'm talking about.

But what happens when you eat too much bacon? Well if you're a woman, you hide that bacon-induced gut with the patented, tried and true, WIDE ASS BELT!

Work it, big girl! I see you, baby. NEWSFLASH! You're not fooling anybody. Kinda. Cuz here's the thing. Guys know you're hiding some extra loving behind that belt. But most guys don't really care. What we do care about, and appreciate, is your concerted and fashion-forward effort to hide your flab from us. Which is really what it boils down to, right? We appreciate the hairdo, the makeup, the lipstick, the high heels, all things which mask imperfections, so nobody has to see you looking busted as f*** in public.

But I want to know that I'm being deceived, rather than find out that I'm being deceived. In the same way I'd be pissed to see that your titties were a lie perpetrated by a push-up bra, I'd much rather see a wide ass belt right now than a corset later. So big girl belts, I salute you.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

I've just been put on to the newest and maybe most sinister method of female deception, clearly veiled ploy to bring down the black man in this country (and also final proof that white people have accepted the fact that flat asses are not desirable), there are now infomercials for butt pads!!!

You mean I can't even trust the integrity of a phattie?!?!?! Is nothing sacred? What is this world coming to?



And an extra special salute to my man 9th Wonder, or should I say Professor Wonder, who is about to be teaching a course at Duke University. Big time! Fuck Duke. I mean that. Peep the link.

No comments: