Friday, November 27, 2009
Speaking of the word "pause", I was recently made aware of the fact that a lot of the viewership does not truly understand its meaning nor how to use it in an urban vernacular context. Alas, your saviors of nonsensical hood colloquialisms the Nappyheadedrbos are here to educate once again. Thank us later.
I am also going to use this as a means to get back at C4 for calling my profile pics "gay" or describing them as"pausable offenses" in yesterday's post.
C4: Oh really son? I got something for you too. Pause.
Show-Sho No H and C4 to ya Door Present: "Pause" an alternative to "No Homo."
"Pause" in its simplest form, is like a watered down version of no homo (for an explanation on the "no homo" phrase, click here). That's right folks, pause is like the "diet no homo", or No homo-lite." Still confused? Ok. Let me break it down like a hooptie on the highway.
If you are a straight man and say something which could, if taken out of context, sound homosexual, you say "no homo" afterwards. An example: While eating a slim jim you say "I hate when the meat is stuck in my teeth. No homo." Meat could be referring to male genitalia and god forbid you have people thinking you suck cock. LMAO.
Saying something a little less gay, such as "I'm going to the movies with my boy...pause" does not truly justify a no homo, but rather the "just in case clause" for ambiguously gay statements which we shall call "pause." Get it? Got it? Good.
Enter (pause) the photo diary of C4: Commentary by Show R.
"Gay pose # oneeeeeeeeeee" (to be sang in the key of C to the "Boyfriend #2" melody.")
I bet he is saying "Oh em Geee" or "As if !!!!". Ging bitch slapped and making the Twan from Men on film face = a pausable offense.
C4: Oh really?? How about Making the sisqo's hairdresser gay face which we shall refer to as the "Sweet smile dimple face. pause" Yea son, dimples aint gangsta. You look happier than Kanye with a bag full of di*ks.
Show: Well, at last I don't look like a sailor in the breast cancer navy!!!! Butt pirate. Pausable offense #2!!!!!!!!!
Show: Just like the play where u had a thong and bikini wax? hahaha.
Apparently, some of us arnt afraid to blow. Use those jawbones...try not to gt too much frosting on your lip. Pause. LMAO.
Well, we all know if this acting thing doesn't work out, you can work at Hunt's point. LOL.
C4: Well at least my mouth was open for a reason. Pause, no homo. Look at you in this pic. I believe Alexandra's comment was dead on when she said "what, were there flying penises in the air or something?" Pause.
C4: I'll save the "blonde dreds" commentary for a separate post. That is all. I'll leave you with an emphatic pause!
C4: I'm not done either, what about this one huh? When bromance goes bad!!!
Show: At last I wasn't making a face like he was giving me the business aka giving some bromance back shots like you in this one. Hahahahaha.
And there you have it. An explanation of "pause" with concrete examples. Yes we go hard (pause) on eachother (pause) but in the end its all love between the Nappyheadedbros. Pause, like no homo is another ongoing joke whereby non-gay things are made to seem gay for comedic value. 4 years later it still hasn't gotten old, despite the fact that we have.
And that my friends is the story of Christmas.
Live, Love, Unabashed Randomness.
To ya door once more, more stuffed than before (pause).
Show-Sho & C4
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I could easily make a case that baby mama's are like any video game console...fun and interesting to play with at first, but eventually something with which you quickly lose interest. This, however, would be too easy and simplified an explanation as in reality, the baby mama-playstaion theory is much more precise and complex.
Think about it. Other than playstations, no gaming options exist other than Xbox (Wives) and Nintendo DS's (Girlfriends.) Let me explain.
You see, people with Xbox's represent the impatient segment of the population (those who couldn't wait for back ordered Playstations or who thought that their girl was so perfect, they would never do any better. Neither of these options are bad in and of themselves, they simply represent a different type of gamer than the Playstation Playboy. Xbox aficionados are also known for their characteristic trait of playing Halo.
That's it. No one buys Xbox for any other game. This being said, xbox coveters tend to play online and stay inside the home (i.e. marriage) engaging in their own halo world and only going out with fellow Xbox-ers (I.e. married couples dates.)
Frickin Dorks. They're almost as Corny as Sneakerheads.
A perfected version of a Gameboy (or the latest incarnation in a progression of 'fun girls'), the DS is everything your Playstation or Xbox is not. It's portable (you can take her anywhere in public), cheap (relatively) and good for taking trips.
See you're never too hot for cheap food.LOL
Would you want to sit at home and play it night after night? Fu*k no. She'll obviously get fat eating all that Mcdonalds, and plus, that's what you have a Playstation or Xbox for silly.
Playstations...(Insert ominous music)
Now for the big guns. Playstations. In the beginning these consoles (or baby mamas) were represented by Gray (or a mixture of white and black) until the marketers at Sony said "c'mon, lets stop kidding ourselves.Lets just make it black, for obvious reasons. " lol. Nintendo Wii's however are still white. Why wouldn't they be? they're slim, promote fitness and aren't associated with niggas playing Madden.
White people, as you will notice, tend to be more educated on the pros and cons of each system and often have both a Playsation and Xbox (imagine that...a baby by your wife!! LOL).
Think about it. Have you ver seen a discarded playstation? Nope. In the same way that someones baby mama never truly "goes away", old playstations tend to stick around even after you've aquired your first Xbox. The same cannot be said for those who purchased an Xbox first. Smh. This being said, I now bring you to the revelation embedded in this insightful post. I think I really like playing Xbox (I haven't bought it yet), but I wish I would've gotten a playstation first. True story!!!
Not that I'm looking forward to having to buy two sets of games or making sure each console is properly maintained (that could get expensive), but I just dont want to fel like I'm missing out on a two for one deal! Think about it...even if you only played playstation once a month, you would still choose the package deal of "XBOX + Playstation" vs. "XBOX or Playstation" if they were the same price.
This being said I'm trying to use my Ivy League education to find a solution and possibly broker a deal. If i Pawn my Xbox and use the money to get a playstation, I still have at least 15 days to get the money together and re-claim it. Hmmmm. Problem with this is, I'm not so sure I want to risk th chance of not getting it back or having a bunch of nappyheaded hooligans putting their hands all over it. Guess I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Pause, no homo. Kinda makes you miss the days where shit was simple...
Live, Love, Games
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
This being said, I'm gonna talk about skeet, things that make me wanna skeet and the wierdest places to serve that white hot man chowder (pause) sanz spoon.
One thing I like to do via this blog (other than talk crazy) is inform people of new and exciting things which I've somehow come across during my daily routine of being awesome and bullshitting online. Case in point, the Philadelphia Passion Football team. Yes thats right my niggas, there is a FULL CONTACT LINGERE FOOTBALL LEAGUE !!! Things that make me wanna skeet: 1. Things that don't: 0. I'm keeping a running tally.
These are actual pics from actual games. Needless to say,we are taking a Nappyheadedbros trip to watch them play in trenton in two weeks. Wanna get down? Holla at the Bros.
Now, onto a more Alternative Lifestyle skeet. Pause. Lately I've been seing these new Fruit of the Loom "Fit for Me" ads and If I may say so myself, they're sexy. No Pervert. Lol.
Maybe it's because I prefer thick women, or maybe its just because I like to see ads featuring women who look like REAL WOMEN aka the type of bi*ches I am liable to end up with after a night of nightclub tomfoolery!! Whatever the case, this brings the "things that make me wanna skeet" tally up to 2. Good Job Fruit of the loom. This, by the way, does not mean you large ladies should stop shopping at Vicky's secret. Mix and Match...mix and match. If you're as big as Monique or Roseanne Barr, however, stay your big ass outa Victorias secret and Fredericks of Hollywood. True story.
In keeping with this random theme of skeet, Maino, Shanga and I (no homo) were having a convo about the most common and random places we've skeeten (as that a word? ) LOL.
Showracka Present's: Skeet Superlatives ( you all had a HS Yearbook)
Breasts, Mouth, Vag, Hair, Tissue, Sock, inside someone elses girlfriend, the ocean.
Common yet often forgotten of conviently left out of discussion:
On the pages of a magazine, In a stuffed Animal (when you were first learning how to rub one out), in ones boxers (yall remember "pants rubbing or dry humping"), in the sink, Girlfriends Bra.
Places that seem like common skeet targets but which actually arent:
From the window to the wall. That is all.
Most Gangsta Places (verified as true):
Hood of a BMW, in Times Square, In car with relative driving, bushes behind someone elses Frat House.
Least Gangsta Places (Verified as true):
The Gym!!! (You know who you are you pervert!!! LOL), in Class (You know who you are, same pervert from # 1.)
Places You've tried to skeet but it didnt work out:
While driving. Come on son, we've all tried. If not a full fledged meat whip at least a little rub out, or inapprobraite prolongued touch. What? Its a long drive from CT to PA. LMAO.
I know at this point I know a lot of you are thinking "what the hell is the point of this post??!!" well, this time there's nothing cryptic about it. I just wanted to remind you all that skeet is an essential part of every man's life (pause) and is something which should not be taken lightly.
C4: The truly important thing about the sweet release of skeet is that it is one of the few things that both men and women truly enjoy. Women like to bust off in tubs of scented oils surrounded by lit candles, or simply by getting their hair pulled and ass smacked thereby allowing them to live out the "lady in the streets, freak in the bed" dichotomy, all while assuring themselves of their sexual desirability.
The problem is, its harder for women to pop one off, and they cannot easily do it in as many places. In the end, "tell em' why you mad ladies!!" It's because you can't skeet at will with the same Grace (TV pun intended) as your male counterparts. Smh.
Show: Similar to play- dough or Nickelodean goop, skeet can have many uses and manifest itself in many different places. To this i say, keep skeeting America and keep it interesting...do it for the red, the creamy off-white and the blue!! Also, ladies...don't sleep on the power of the chowder, or you too can be a victim of a skeet dream, or a lewd little nightmare (Beyonce voice. Pause.)
Live, Love, Posting about whatever I want....
Sunday, November 22, 2009
This post is about logging onto Facebook (the only legitimate form of communication other than text messaging) and seeing that "so and so, the neighborhood ho" just got Married!!!!!
Congratulations!! Hope your husband brought a mini toothbrush to the altar. I can still smell the residual frat boy semen in her teeth. Gross. I mean sure, people can turn over a new leaf, but really? A White dress? The only thing virgin about her is the drink she should've ordered instead of the pre-gangbang Jagerbomb.
This following events and post are actually inspired by a true story, which brings me to the following question...
Showrocka Presents: How well do you really know your ex-cum drinking wife?
First off, please don't confuse this as sexual braggadocio or banter. As always, I'm attempting to prove a thinly veiled point and drop a little gem of knowledge. Now, on with the fu*ked up Part.
I met ____ __________ (short 1st name, long last name) in a bar in the spring of _______.
We drank cheap pitchers of Yeungling (regional contextual clue) and danced to an awful blend of outdated hip hop and classic rock bar songs. About an hour and a half later she was getting her hair pulled from behind and demanding that whatever it was that was being done to her (a gentleman never tells... lol) be done harder and faster on a living room futon. Don't worry, the roomates weren't home...until they walked in on round two and asked if we wanted some late night leftovers to fuel our....errr....calorie burning and apparently noisy exercises.
You, I assume, met her under different circumstances and probably did not get to do filthy things to her until well after a month or so. If it makes you feel better, fellatio was not given until day # 2, as she "had to give [me] a reason to come back." And boy did I come back.
C4: Funny shit Rocka, but what is the point of this smut if your intent isnt to piss off a girl or particular guy ?
Show: It's funny you should mention that hater (c4 voice).
People always ask why I only rock with people I've grown up with. This is why. Sure a girl may be a newly changed woman, but the fact that her "cock goblin" alter-ego once existed is enough of a turnoff. Sure there's a huge double standard going on here, as I have done my fair share of disgusting, whoreish things...but guess what bitches...I'm not a girl. Ha !
What, then, is the remedy for this problem of not truly knowing your wife's past? I mean sure, every girl has slobbed a few knobs in college but it's the habitual top polishers that you want to be careful of. Here's 5 ways to spot them.
5. She is not a Doctor or nurse yet knows which antibiotics cure which venereal diseases.
4. She has close ties to a fraternity...not sorority nigga, fraternity. If her picture is on a wall of a fraternity you have bigger problems. Ask any frat boy what an "All Star" is.
3. She gives head with a condom. Extra ho points if it is a lubricated one... if she can roll it on with her mouth, she's an actual prostitute.
2. Her phone rings incessantly during reunion weekend around the same time as the bar closes.
1. She has slept with members of more than 2 college sports teams, or more than 1 member on the same college sports team.
Showrocka: 1, You: Zero.
There you have it. While this may not be a comprehensive list of was to tell if your wifey's college nickname was the village bicycle, you've gotta admit it is a pretty good gauge. Name me one girl who fits any of these descriptions and tell me she isn't a ho. Ha, you can't. Sorry to burst your pre or post marital bubble of bliss, but some things just need to be said. You girls are slick, but I'll be damned if I get caught marrying one who I wouldn't even feel comfortable drinking after. Sorry fellas...and you in particular. If it offers you any consolation, its better to have my sloppy seconds than some other dude who isn't as awesome. Hahahahaha.
Till we meet (no homo for saying meat) again Mr. Sperm drinking husband!! Pause.
Live, Love, Stirring up trouble in the tradition of 50 Cent
Friday, November 20, 2009
The Blogness Monsta and the Baltimore Blog Killah are back!! Together!!!! Pause.
Now normally I don't peddle racist rhetoric and crackpot conspiracy theories (lol), but this one is too good to pass up. We African Americans (Just kidding, we call ourselves black because we dont throw spears and eat goat balls) tend to believe that club dress codes are racially motivated screening methods for keeping night clubs "separate but equal."
Lets take a look into the minds of these shady yet comical club owners, shall we...
What it Says: Grown & Sexy
What it Means: Don't look like an asshole who's never been to a business casual function.
Also What it Means: Bitches present unimpressed by Jordans and Throwbacks.
Think of it like this. You can't hunt deer with a BB gun, or even an uzi. If you want the best prize, don't go in the spot wearing your PJs, so you attract nobody, but don't roll up in there with the intention of impressing hoodrats.
What it Says: No Athletic Footwear
What it Means: I Don't Care How Much You Spent, Your Shiny Sneakers Make You Look Stupid, And They Are Not Welcome Here.
Show: Fuck you C-4. My Shiny Prada's would've cost me 370 if they were real!!!!
This is the cautionary tale for all you guys who think it's cool to pay $300+ for Bapestas or whatever random ass patent leather shoe is hot right now. My dude: it's still PATENT leather, i.e. fake leather. And it's still something you can't wear at business meeting, you shouldn't wear at a wedding, and if I catch yo ass wearing them to a funeral then yours is up next, ass-clown. This is the lesson you must learn for thinking you are Pharrell. You are not, and therefore can't get away with what he does.
No Timberlands Clause:
Show: Timbs are suede and unlike leather sneakers which can be wiped off when someone steps on them, suede must be drycleaned. You niggas like to kill each other over shoes AND probably cannot even spell dryclean. Please, save yourselves the embarrassment
C4:Yeah. And dry clean is two words.
Apparently a banana peel can cure a scuffed boot.
Apparently it also looks very gay.
What it Means: No Hiding
I know, I know, it matches your polo and your kicks (which you shouldn't have on anyway!). But let's keep it 100, here. You wore that hat for one of two reasons. Either you're hiding from the sun, or you're hiding your lack of shape-up.
Exception to the rule: if your hat (NOT a fitted!) is fly. No. No amount of rhinestones will make your hat fly. It's anti-fly. It's never cool to borrow swag from pre-pubescent girls and country western singers. Snap back hats also aren't cool you gay ass hipsters and wanna be Newboyz/ Cool Kids/ Kid Cudi/ Retro backpackers. That is all.
Show: WORSE. my dad bought a bedazzler and has been going bananas....he had a rhinestoned Texas Longhorns hat yesterday talkin bout, "yea, i can sell this on EBAY.”
An appeal to corporate AmeriKKKa. Please stop the Tomfoolerifical coon-tas-tit-trofic mis-urbinization of all things nonsensical. Thank you. Much Obliged.
What they're really thinking:
What they want to say: Look dude. Just because you’re ancestors hung from trees like blackfaced piñatas at a KKK birthday party doesn’t give you the right to walk around with a 10-kt gold reminder adorned with a gaudy depiction of our white Jesus. God forbid you have a flashback in our establishment and start trying to get revenge in the name of your cousin (or play cousin) Emit till (Google him). Also, half those chains are fake. We wouldn’t want people thinking that green rash on your neck is contagious thereby causing them to leave our club.
Why Katt, Why!!!!!!!!
Actually that’s all racist rhetoric BS. We really don’t want you wearing chains because it reminds us of the lost opportunity Abe Lincoln fu**ed up for everybody. Also, your chain hangs down to you scrotum and therefore has the tendency to bang tables, barstools and low hanging GILF titties…not to mention your diamonds…I mean Cubic Zirconias smell like ball sack.
No White T's
What they're really thinking:
We wouldn't want someone mistaking this for a Hanes commercial. Also, this leads to a slippery slope of white jeans after labor day (think weezy), white hoodies, and eventually...white hoods. Insert ominous music.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
"Kellogg Co. says there will be a nationwide shortage of its popular Eggo frozen waffles until next summer because of interruptions in production at two of the four plants that make them.
The company's Atlanta plant was shut down for an undisclosed period by a September storm that dumped historic amounts of rain in the area. Meanwhile, several production lines at its largest bakery in Rossville, Tenn., are closed indefinitely for repairs, company spokeswoman Kris Charles said in an e-mail." -Associated Press
Fat N***a-Emergency!!! There is a nationwide shortage of Eggo Waffles right now, and fat people are going crazy! Clashes of Titans have broken out in Walmarts, Sam's Clubs, Costco's and BJ's (no blintz) all over the country, particularly in the Midwest and Deep South.
Several women named "Precious" have been injured at Eggo retail locations in Little Rock, Baton Rouge, and Tallahassee. At the Little Rock Sam's Club, Precious Brown was struck in the back of the head with a pack of short ribs by an unknown assailant, later discovered to be her sister, Special. Charges are still pending because Precious Brown refuses to drop them until "dat b***h break me off with some syrup."Atlanta and Los Angeles residents seem to be coping more healthily, helped in large part by triage and counseling provided by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.
Unfortunately for Wisconsin residents, alcoholism and drunk driving incidents have spike 7% in the last 24 hours, as fat people driving Smart (ironic!) Cars have been swerving over icy roads trying to grab that final box of Eggo Waffles.
Seaside residents have fled to the waters to subsist on their stored Eggo waffle rations for the winter, although several boats have already sunken and the Coast Guard is working around the clock to find and rescue these tubbies who are still alive, afloat in several locations along the Gulf Coast.
Dorie Turner of the Associated Press had this to say from her Atlanta outpost (hint: this part is actual news!)
It will take until the middle of 2010 before shelves around the country are stocked at pre-shutdown levels, Charles said.
Already customers are noticing near-empty Eggo shelves on the freezer aisle at many grocery stores.
Stay-at-home mom Joey Resciniti says she bought one of the last two boxes of Eggos at a Walmart in Cranberry Township, Pa., on Monday. The frozen waffles are a favorite of her 4-year-old daughter, Julia.
"We have eight of them, and if we ration those — maybe have half an Eggo in one sitting — then it'll last longer," said Resciniti, who blogs about being a mother. "I told my husband that maybe I need to put them on eBay."
Watch that dumb s**t happen too. Cuz who has more time to sit around at a computer bidding on waffles than fat people?! (Breaking News: 40 people stopped reading this blog and went to the eBay site for waffles five seconds ago.) Then they fat ass don't even need to leave the house, because the waffles are getting DELIVERED!
The existing stock of Eggos will be distributed nationally based on stores' sales histories of the waffles, Charles said.
"We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible," she wrote in the e-mail.
Breaking News: towns in Tennessee and Georgia have tripled in population to accomodate the "Waffle-Walkers."
This week, news of the shortage spread quickly on Twitter as shoppers reported not being able to find the breakfast food. Fans of Eggos lamented their scarcity on the waffle's Facebook page, which has more than 400 members.
I just checked the page, it's now 511 members.
Once mo' 2 ya do' with a waffle iron in tow,