Friday, October 30, 2009

Death Pt. 2: I Din't know Larry Kelly, But I Knew Kells.

Niggas are quick to say R.I.P as is shown by the fact that niggas were telling my dude to rest in peace when he hadn't even died yet.



No biggie, blame that on Facebook confusion and people believing everything they hear. That being said, I'm not gonna say RIP to my nigga Larry "Kells" Kelly. I'm gonna say fuck resting and fuck peace...he should be here raising hell with the rest of his boys, screaming out GPV and telling every nigga wifing in the club to give him 20 dollars.


As a matter of fact nigga, I think you owe me a 20 or two for all that Twitter cuffing you were doing before you passed. I'm just keeping it 100, because that's how it would've been if he was here.



Enough sad shit though, it's friday bitches. Lets celebrate my dude for all the funny shit he did and said, and just imagine how he's got them laughing up in Heaven, like back when Katt Williams didn't recycle the same jokes over and over again (Yea nigga, we know Chrysler 300's aint bentleys and we know you and your son wanna throw chicken nuggets out the window, yada yada. )



Death Pt. 2


As I walk through the valley of the shadow of....fuck all this dark shit, I got an iphone with a flashlight app. and I'ma use this bitch. Ok, much better.


I'm walking through what now appears to be a dimly lit alley and not a "valley of death" at all.


At the end of this apparent dead end I see a man with long dreads (which look like they need to b touched up, true story) and a Red and Green webbed belt like my nigga Kells used to wear. It makes sense...If the Devil wears Prada, why shouldn't God wear Gucci. How do I know it's god, might you ask? Come on son (ed lover voice)...remember I met him before when O.G. passed? see below: Death


Anyways, I give God dap and listen as he says "you again?"


Show: Yea man...I mean almighty, Lord and Savior, Lion of the Lamb of Kings....


GOD: You fucked it up, but whatever. Just call me J.C. or Kimbo Christ...I been practicing my Mixed Martial Arts.



Show: Riiiiiight.



GOD: So I'm guessing you're here to see Damaris...you're name isn't on the list but I know how you like those Pepperrican Girls.


Show: Actually DEZO should be bringing her some flowers later, but I'm here to see Kells.



God: Right, Right....Ok, come on... and by the way, put this long sleeve shirt on. You know you cant come up in here with all those tattoos. This aint thug heaven.






I see my nigga Kells off in the distance playing ball with O.G. Lance. This doesn't surprise me at all, as the nigga was always ballin. A couple of groupie heaven angel hoes are on the sideline amazed at how Lance can play ball in a Coogi and not sweat. They think he is playing a 1 on 1 with Loon from Badboy. They obviously don't know Kells who bears a striking resemblance to the aforementioned rapper.

Loon: Middle

Kells: Far Left.

Oh well, maybe it'll get him some groupie love. LOL.


I walk to the court as GOD bgins to look at his G-shock like I'm on a timed conjugal visit (no homo) or something. They take a break from balling and I greet thm like I always do. Slap-Slap, grip dap, lean over and check the tag. That's right baby. We're O.G. and G.P.V to the death. Two Cliques, 1 handshake.


I think of how ironic it was when a few months ago Kells jokingly said that he wanted to "die drowning in liquor and ass" on his 25th Bday. I wish he was here partaking in such festivities. Nevertheless, as I walked away from the court I cant help but think of my last fond memory with my dude, as i walked into the hotel room (pause) and he merely said "ain't no cups, but go in" handing me a bottle of Grey Goose.


A couple of swigs later from a Patron bottle we stole from Sami Kash , we were having a discussion about him being "too soft and lovey dovey" on twitter. He then reminded me that he "kept if real with his toilet seat confessions." Duly noted.


After that we Woke up my nigga Tommy Trump and hit the club like O.G's, G.P.V.'s and No Days Off niggas do.


We never talked about anything deep, but dude was my homie...Straight like that.


I didn't know Larry Kelly, but I knew Kells.



Live, Love, Life

Show

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Jail, Rape and the Dentist.

First of, let me say go Phils!!!!!!


Secondly, As a black male, I can safely say there are a disproportionate number of us in jail simply because white people are scared of us. This is fact.


Actually, that's not true at all. There's a banana boat load of us in jail because we keep doing stupid shit and getting caught, despite the fact that we know we can't afford a good lawyer. Oh well, blame it on the pursuit of Bitches and jewelry...ahem...I mean the pursuit of happyness [sic].


All this being said, I know a lot of you are thinking "so the fuck what", "niggas are in jail..big deal.." I agree. If niggas get arrested all the time, whats the big deal about jail? I'll tell you what the big deal is (Malcolm X Conspiracy theory voice)...jail was designed by the same ingenious white people who figured out that the black population would "check" and self regulate (aka destroy) itself if given the catalysts of drugs and guns. I'll be damned if they didn't get that one right!!!!!






The same is true with jail. White people didn't put us there...they merely looked at our behaviors, created severe punishments for deviance (see cocaine laws vs. stricter Crack laws) and offered us a lifetime of isolated coon-dom as punishment. Ahhhhhhhhhh. LOL.



Think about it as I break it down like a hooptie on a road trip.



Jail , Rape... Dentists!!!

Sure people get raped in jail and even at the dentist (watch out for that laughing gas). Funny thing is, that statement is irrelevant, i just wanted to say it. Ahhhh the randomness of being a blogger...Nevertheless, I digress....


Think about it...Inmates started that whole rape culture, boo loving with men shit!!! The guards aren't raping people. The warden's not popping off in hot sweaty man booty. It's the gay ass prisoners claiming rape as a "power" shifting mechanism. This may be true, but it's still gay as the Flintstones theme song. Worse still, this fear of being RAPED by big ass dudes is what makes niggas want to not go to prison.





That's it, pretty much. Don't agree? Look at the following analysis of jail with the element of Rape removed.


Cons:

No Bitches.


Pros:

"Lights out time" aka guaranteed 8 hours sleep.

Free Food and Lodging

Plenty of alone time

Readily available Spades or Domino partners

Free workout facility

Laundry Service

TV

You see where this is going right? Take out the element of rape, and niggas are more scared of the Dentist than Jail!!!! True Story!


Think about it...Correctional officers have nightsticks.....ooooh scary. The dentist has picks and drills and all that shit like Jigsaw from those Saw movies. He's the scary one. The constructors of the prison system, however, relied on the fact that niggas can't control their urges and would try to hump anything in the absence of pussy, as their main form of deterrence and security in prison ! Can't start riots if your busy running trains on the smallest niggas with the longest hair....uh oh Lil Weezy.


Conspiracy theory? Maybe...or Maybe not. Perhaps the powers that be knew exactly what they were doing when they created a hostile sexual environment. With all the money spent on correctional facilities, eliminating the element of rape could be done relatively easy...but why bother if its working? It actually kills 2 birds with one stone....occupies prisoners time and leads to the spread of more AIDS related deaths in the Black Community.


Fu*k what you heard, white people are smart.


Niggas, take heed to my warning and stop raping dudes in jail...actually, if you're in jail, you cant read this. Let me re-phrase...Hood niggas, tell your cousins, brothers and Uncles to stop raping people in jail and we can turn these "institutions" into rest havens or lodges free from annoying bitches bugging us during football season. That is the first step....next? We've just gotta go fuck up some dentists. No rainbow.


Live, Love, Keeping it 100.


Show

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What If I was Gay...10 Gay Questions.

At the risk of my "no homo" usage getting out of control with this post, I'm going to use a different phrase each time I want to say it. Agreed? Agreed. Ok, now lets get down to business (in a completely heterosexual manner.) See? I told you I could do it.



The other day I was talking to my pops about how my frat brother A.C and I had planned on working out in the gym every day our senior year with the hopes of becoming muscular bartenders at a gay bar, thereby soliciting maaaaaaad tip money. Yes, I know it sounds gay as the first AIDS but at the time it seemed like a good idea. No rainbow.





Show: I'm just saying....Male bartenders don't really make tips anywhere else.


Pop: Ummmm....That's pretty Gay.


Sis: You can't just lead people on! They're gonna test you...and then what if you get followed and gang raped.


Show: Excuse me!!! (No "Twan from Men on Film"). That wouldn't happen. Whatever, you guys are taking this out of context.


Well, I'm sure you can see that convo heading toward a downward, semen covered spiral so lets fast forward to the good stuff....



It sounds kinda crazy, but all this gay convo got me to thinking (southern voice)...


What if I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Gay? 10 Gay Questions. LMAO.

This has got to be the gay equivalent of that chick with the "dicksucka" tattoo on her chest from the other day. Neither of these humans respect themselves.

10. Is dating someone who looks exactly like me gay, or just vain?
C4: Well if you're already gay, then it's just vain. Actually it's just vain either way. I'm looking at you, Ms. Ra-Ra. That dude you were with all through college could have been your brother. Gross.



9. Would I always date someone my exact size so we could have twice as much fly gear?
C4: In this recession, that's just good for the economy.



8. Would arguments just escalate to fists...and is that OK?
C4: Technically still domestic violence, but since I know you I feel like if you were gay you wouldn't date the kind of guy who would call the cops on you cuz he lost a fair one. And if he did y'all should break up. And you should get a lawyer.



7. Would I still like Titties? Or would C4 and I be writing a four part blog series on D*ck. LOL. I know...uncalled for...but funny. Pause.
C4: Why do WE have to write about d**k just cuz you're gay? It would probably be a back and forth argument about which type of genitals is better, with me penning pro-p***y paragraphs while you go on about d**k like Lil Kim at a computer.



6. Would I tie my football jersey up in a knot while rooting for the Phila Eagles?
C4: Probably. Just to show off your tats.



5. Is it at all gay that I became angered when my gay homie said, and i quote "I've slept with black guys before...definitely some cuter than you!"
C4: A little. But more vain than gay. But still a little gay.



4. Would I date someone with the same taste in porn so that we could simultaneously pop off to the same computer screen to save time?
C4: No comment.



3. Would sword fighting be the new slap boxing?? LMAO
C4: LMAO! Ugh.




2. Could I call my dude a bitch if I catch him watchin Oprah or Lifetime...or would it depend on "who went first" the previous night. LOL. No-brown helmet.
C4 leaves the room.



1. Would we both, gay or not, think that Miss J Alexzander from Top Model looks like a complete and utter Jackass? no wait....a Jack-assed coon spook. Yes, that's a much better term.



Coon-Spook! Lmao again. Brilliant!!!





Anyways, as I'm sure you all can see, I don't believe in any subject being taboo. Sure I could stop using the phrase"no homo" so much, but sheiiiiit....I could also stop saying "Nigga", "Bitch" and "Hogwash Tomfoolery." Let's be honest...no one wants that.


In the end I guess you have to be able to accept the offensive nature of this blog and find the apparent irony or underlying message of every foul mouthed expletive spewed by the one they call Showrocka the Blog-ness Monsta. I didn't even apologize when i accidentally stabbed my boy Boozay (see, you're fine kid...you've almost got feeling back in that hand too), so I damn sure am not gonna apologize for speaking the truth. I keep it 100 and you love me for it.


And if I was gay....I'd keep it 100 too, all the while saying "haaaaaaaaaaay." LOL.



Live, Love, The apparent Irony of it all


Show-Sho (yep. That's it.)



P.S. I guess I can finally admit my guilt, sorry for stabbing you Boozay. Also, no homo for the aforementioned post. Please send me pictures of your titties so that I may cleanse myself. :)

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Al Bundy and the Dope Game.

Peggy Bundy can get it.




There you have it, it’s been said. Peggy Bundy in all her alabaster skinned, milftastic red haired splendor damn sure gave me a woody like that stuttering woodpecker with turrets or the dude from Dru Hill…whoa..no homo. The dude in Dru Hill’s name is woody is all I was saying…bad analogy. Needless to say, all of this is irrelevant as this post isn’t about Peggy Bundy (whose fine ass is now on FX’s Sons of Anarchy), it’s about Al. Pause.




Now…onto the conspiracy theory.

Everyone who’s ever watched an episode of Married with Children knows that shoe salesman Al Bundy likes to re-live his glory days at Polk High and recant his story of “scoring 4 touchdowns in a single game.”

Do you remember high school? You know, that place where you still go on Friday afternoons to pick up girls…. Do you have fond memories of high school trips, classroom hi jinx and the culminating climax that is prom?



Just think of all the prep working getting you hair just right, and showing up in that crisp, freshly pressed suit or dress looking for that one person you tried to look “extra good” for. I know, I’m talking all hood…but that’s cause I’m talking to yall. LOL. Remember that moment, leaning your head on your boo piece honey bunny dip shawty’s shoulder as if the two of you were alone, frozen in time? This could quite possibly be one of the most surreal moments and lasting memories in your life…because you are a loser and will never do anything more important.


All Bundy ass Ni**a. Stop living in the past and go get some new memories…or a Job!!!!



Are you an Al Bundy? Reveling in past glory and talking about how you used to “get it poppin?” If so, you should probably go hang yourself with the lace from the women’s panties you should be wearing…bitch.





Yea I called you a bitch…but now I’m gonna get specific…all you ex-drug dealer Al Bundys out there need to give it up. We care about as much about what cars you used to drive, how many blocks you used to supply or how many bad bitches you had about as much as we care about Al bundy’s 4 touchdowns. He is now fat, and you are now most likely a security guard, warehouse shelver or facilities worker (if you are a female please substitute CNA or Nurses Aid.)

I feel bad making you feel bad…wait….no I don’t.

If your fondest memories were from high school or college what the f**k are you doing now? Oh, OK…I get it….you are living for your kids now and your main aspiration is for them to be happy, thereby making you happy. Cop out. You’re not even 30 yet…you know you still wanna be out making memories and having fun!!! Sure you love your 3 kids by 3 different dudes but you can still have a life and get your Peggy Bundy Milf freak on. Don’t give up now, and if you do….do it in silence. Crawl off into a corner and let you life die a silent, humble death. We are really tired of hearing how much fun you used to have or how great you used to be…nobody likes an AL Bundy


So shut the fuck up and go have an accidental overdose.


I’m just kidding like Jason…unless you gon’ do it.




I know the pics unnecessary, but its funny.

Live, Love, the Theory of it all...

Show

Monday, October 26, 2009

A,B,C,D: Real World Tomfoolery Pt. 4

It's been a rough couple of weeks for the Blog-ness monsta, but it is what it is.


"R.I.P" to my Cousin Elvis, JP "I want my bond money back" and "Hold ya head" to my nigga Kells who was just in a serious Car accident.


Other than that, shits been real regular around these parts. Guess it's time to change that.


Last time I did one of these posts, my boy wizzle fizzle said i should let the blog viewership post their own captions. Normally when people give me suggestions I tell them to go fu*k themselves but every now and then I have to entertain he idea that other niggas might be as funny as me.


Here goes hoes....Don't like it? Go eat horse semen out of a hairy lacto-ovo-vegan ball sack. Lol.



It's really hard (no homo) to not comment on these photos, but I'm sure you all will have something to say about the apparent Hogwash Tomfoolery of it all....

Real World Tomfoolery Part 4: Make your own Captions!!!!


A.) Pants Hang low??




B.) Got Money!! and Gold grills.








C.) My boyfriend's name is Raheem

D.) Im actually a School Teacher





Double D.) Where my Dogs at??


Any thoughts on these instances of coon-tastic nonsense?? If not feel free to drop me a line telling me how the Philadelphia Eagles are the greatest sports franchise known to man. How bout them Giants bitches!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????


Live, Love, Mondays....sike.

Show

Friday, October 23, 2009

ATM Pin #s pt 2

Good morning Church girls, mothers, whores, morally loose skanks, Ninja Turtle Fans and Japanese skateboarder chicks. Be sure to check yesterday's Sarah Kruzan post updated with your own thoughts and opinions (at the end.)

Also, What up fellas? No homo.

For those of you unfamiliar (that's a word right?) with our Pin Numbers series, please check the following link to our previous post...u wont be disappointed.

Click Here


Just as a quick warm-up for you Mf'ers too lazy to click that link, Pin #'s works like this. Your area code + last digit of your phone number is your pin. Entries can either come from myself, C4 or anonymous blog readers. Yes, we know this is extremely fu*ked up...but that's why you love (or hate) it. Either way, you're reading right? Fuck off.................


Let the Games Begin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


# 2125 & 6311:

This one is pretty straightforward and tame.




It was spring weekend, I had been drinking Guinness spiked with 151 all day and I was whiteboy wasted. In a drunken stupor I went to #6311's room to hook up. Unfortunately for her, but fortunately for me, I accidentally went into the room across the hall and started hooking up with #2125. Actually, that could've gone completely wrong as another kid I know did the same thing in a college high rise and hopped in a random girls bed, thereby getting a sexual assault charge....oooooooh. That suck's guy. Guess it pays to know everybody...especially chicks.

#2038:

Men beat off into socks, this is fact. Black people like sneakers, this is another fact.



Now here comes the "pin # worthy" offense...

Upon my graduation from College, I had a variety of odd, coonish jobs. This could've been a result of my own returning to the hood and refusing to let the Ivy league get the best of me, or it could've just been my inner Flava Flav manifesting itself in a productive manner. That's right boys and girls, I used to make Gold and Diamond Grills as well as customize sneakers. LOL. Keeping this in mind, think of the process most (black) people go through to keep their sneakers fresh.

Step one: Stick a sock in the toe to prevent "creases" or wrinkles in the leather. Ironically this also helped smooth out the surface of the sneaker's toe, thereby making it easy to customize & paint. Only problem is...I couldn't find any socks except the one i had been blasting tapioca children into all week. No harm no foul right? Yes, no harm no foul...until i forgot to remove the sock from # 2038's fresh pair of Air Ones. I hope to God she just threw the sock out. LOL.



#7136

Just so you all know we are drunken assholes and not just drunken misogynists I offer a comedic, cautionary tale. When drunk, leave homemade blowtorches alone.



Everyone who knows the Sig Pi guys knows we party hard! Not only that, on the Upenn campus, we were known for our over the top theme parties (no homo), the biggest of which was called "Heaven and Hell." Picture this, 7 drink stations in a gigantic, dark basement, each signifying a deadly sin. Take all 7 shots and get your ticket stamped and you gain entrance to Heaven, our glass enclosed solarium filled with champagne, strawberries (no homo) and ice luges. Awesome huh? Yea. We know.

Back to the story......

So there I was, bar tending in hell (i believe I was at the 'Lust' Station) , when I decided things were getting boring. That being said, I made a makeshift blowtorch from a Zippo, alcohol and some hairspray and began popping out from behind a black curtain, spitting and spewing fire. unfortunately for #7136, he was on the other side of the curtain, opening it at the same time I was popping out. He woke up so wasted he had no ide how all the hair had gotten singed off his arm. Now he does. Ummmmm....sorry?



#5025

Normally I'm not the one to snitch but ummmm.......#5025 did it!!!! Yep. Irregardless of the fact that we all tried to stop him and then stood by and watched, #5025 is to blame. This story is so bad that I wont even mention the other involved parties except to say this:



Buddy, Pal....Brother of mine....remember that abortion you had to get but never told us about? Yea, that one. Well....it was #5025's fault. It started out when we sorta picked your lock looking for incriminating evidence, only to find condoms and anal lube (no homo). After realizing that there were no naked pics of your gf on your digital camera we were ready to leave... Thats when Mr. #5035 decided it'd be a good idea to poke holes in all your condoms....(waiting for backlash)....I've noticed you are no longer laughing.



Whoops. Guess I'm gonna be fighting two people at the next reunion. Shit, Don't shoot the messenger / bystander!! LOL.



Well, there you have it. You wanted that reckless Nappyheaded shit and you got it. Awwwwww, some people were offended?




Don't like it? Go eat the hearse driver's semen out of your mothers post-mortum asshole. Hahaha. Rememer those lines?


Live, Love, Numbers!!!!!!!!!!!


Show-Charles Dutton.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sarah Kruzan: It's Hard out here for a Pimp (Pt. 2)

Every once in a while I use the power of the blog for good rather than evil. I still haven't decided if today is going to be one of those days.



This being said, I feel like even if I piss a shitload of people off while discussing this chick Sarah Kruzan, in the end I will have gotten them to read her story. Don't worry, I haven't gone soft or uber-political. You'll still laugh, get angry and may even end up wanting to kill this Nappyheaded Bro rather than Fellate him by the blog's end. Oh well, that's just a risk I'm willing to take.






Oh yea...many media outlets are crediting Ashton Kutchner for bringing this girls story to light. F**k him. Why, might you ask? Because he stole Demi Moore from our Milf-tastic wet dreams and cougar-town fantasies. Shouts to my girl Bridget in Roc City though, as she's the one who briefed me on this ish. V.I Stand up.











Sarah Kruzan: It's Hard out here for a Pimp (Pt. 2).



Eazy E wasn't lying when he said "Pimpin at easy." Sheeeeeit, he ended up dying of AIDS, Terence Howard (in Hustle in Flow) ended up getting pissed on by punk ass Ludacris, Don Magic Juan ended up looking like an iced out Jerome from Martin, and Sarah Kruzan's Pimp ended up dead!!!








Now that's some f**ked up sh*t!!!!




Oh wait, no its not. Kruzan's pimp started whoring her at age 13, Eazy E had 6 different baby mamas, Terence Howard is a herb and Don Magic Juan has the sacrilegious nerve to call his pimping ass a Bishop...maybe they all got what they deserved.



Now, onto Sarah...(no pun intended). Also, note how I refuse to copy and paste the details of what happened in "their" words. This is NHB, we're better than that.



Kruzan's Story



Sharah Kruzan's had an Absentee crackhead mom who was more concerned with getting high and whiteboy wasted than she was with feeding and clothing her child. Food? nah. Attention? F**k no. It even got so bad that she allowed a 31 year old acquaintance to play father figure / role model for her malleable little girl.


Unfortunately for her, this ni**as role model was Pimpin Ken or some other man making their money off women's bodies. Where homeboy got it wrong, however, was in confusing a little girl with a grown woman. I'm not against pimpin, but violence against adolescents and children is something I cannot condone. What? I'm keeping it 100.



This pseudo-pimp named G.G would buy Sarah toys, bring her places and feed her sweet ass lines like "you're special....so special you should never give anybody sex for free..." Whaaaaaaat? This guy is bananas!! He's a freaking child molesting pervert, but come on...that was a smooth ass line. Keep it 100 people, keep it 100.



Anyway, G.G. pimped her (and actually had her work a corner) from ages 13 to 16, until she finally got fed up and killed his ass. Damn. Worse still, a hardened judge gave her life in prison for it. Life nigga!!! Like Bernie Mack and Martin Lawrence Life!!!! Without Parole!! Plus 4 years!!!



These are the facts...now here comes the subjective Nappyheaded Rant.


Thoughts on Kruzan after a Bottle of Cruzan



Fuck Sarah Kruzan. There are laws and a criminal justice system for a reason and although she had a traumatic childhood, that does not give her the right to administer Martial law at her own will. News media fail to distinguish between convincing someone to sell their body with the power of words and influence versus actual, physical rape. We get it, she didn't want to be pimped anymore. From what I've been told, however, G.G. didn't cut off her feet, taking away her ability to walk or run away. Sheeeeeit, she could've even smashed his nuts with a hammer while he was sleeping...but murder? Premeditated murder? Throw the book at her hooking ass.


That is what some people will say.

Others, will say something different.


Others will not stand by and watch as a 16 year old victim of circumstance who has already had her childhood robbed from her, gets her adolescence, and adulthood stripped from her as well. Others will see the apparent "death sentence" being hurled at Sarah Cruzan for what it is...theoretically. Some may even claim that simply by being a minority, she was dealt an unfair sentence that a Caucasian teen in comparable circumstances would never have been handed (Mr. Mulatto Voice).


Send me your thoughts to showrocka@gmail.com and I will post them anonymously for all to see as soon as they come in. Let me know how you feel about Sarah's situation and I'll tell you what you can do about it. If you give a f**k. I don't, because I'm objective ;)


Live, Love, Getting you all involved

Show-Show No-Pedo


P.S. an an objective blogger (LOL) I shouldn't be posting this, but below is a link to the Sarah Kruzan Petition...just in case you're into that sorta thing.


http://criminaljustice.change.org/actions/view/support_freedom_of_trafficking_victim_sara_kruzan_2



"This bitch had every right to kill that nigga without getting life in prison. At the very worst she should have been forced to spend the rest of her teen years in some type of rehabilitation facility preparing her to come out a women ready to be a ho on her own free will. She should not have been stripped her right to fuck/suck for free and I want in on getting this bitch out for I am sure I can hit it when/if she gets out.." -Anoymous. Well, I know who wrote it...but it's still anoymous.



She got a raw deal. If Jaycee Dugard had killed that dude that had her living in the backyard and knocked her up twice, she would've been hailed a hero. No doubt about it. If there would have even been a hint of Jaycee going to trial for killing that douchebag, people would've lined up for miles to prevent that from happening. I feel it is racial. Check out this article from Newsweek. Nice website bythe way.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/218911?GT1=43002

-Anoymous

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A,B,C,D (Pt. 3): Real world Tomfoolery Pt. 3

Thats right people, we have another set of contestants on this episode of real world tomfoolery so keep those comments flowing and be sure to drop a line with your vote. I've seen some extremely dumb ass shit this week and it may result in another close race like last week. Vote, Vote,Vote (Diddy Voice.) On with the Gangsta Blog...Cause you can't spell blog without O.G....



Real World Tomfoolery Pt. 3





Theres something about the power of celebrity that lets you do, wear and say ridiculous things yet still have them seem normal and commonplace. Spending 500,000 on a necklace seems logical as does buying million dollar automobiles, wearing big ass chains that say "big ass chain" and rocking polkadot maternity bikinis to awards shows.







The problem with this, other than the sheer tomfoolery of it all, is that regular ass niggas start emulating rappers, actors and talentless entertainers thinking that shit is ok. Newsflash, it is not. Now you're dumb asses have secured yourselves a spot on the blog ...solely for your apparent coonishness.






A,B,C,D...What's the worst Tomfoolery? : Real world Tomfoolery Pt. 3





A.)


I don't know who this dude is, but I know he's not famous enough to be dressed that ridiculous and i can bet "a million dollars that I dont have", that he's from the A (Atlanta.) What? I've just got a hunch. No that's not part of his shirt...that's a pendant. As if you couldn't tell from the paper-clip esque bail (piece between the chain and the pendant) this sh*t probably isnt even real swvorski crystals let alone diamonds! SMH, SMH. Also, notice the backwards pants....what year is it? 1992?


B.)




Now I know yall are all thinking that this looks a hot mess. It does. Funny thing is , if transplanted onto Lil Wayne, this might actually look hot. Pause. No homo. Nevertheless, this looks like a public service announcement on why you shouldn't spend your residual Crystal Meth Money on Tattoos while high. It also looks like this tat was done to cover up a mole or scar of some sort. Good Job. This is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay more subtle. Meet you back at 8 Mile sweetie. LOL.


C.)


I am shaking my head and trying not to end up on a Maury Povich show entitled "I hate black people." Really...? Kool Aid hairstyles? And really...? Did they have to pick Grape and Orange..Aggggghh. I have nothing more to say about this. Got damned coons.



D.)




Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww. This is a.) Gross, and B.) more ghetto than having a baby shower for your 6th baby! I wouldn't eat this shit based on the sheer images it conjures up. Oh well, at least you cant fault them for not having food. Wonder what flavored frosting that is....placenta? LOL.

Double D.)






No,No,No!!!! We will not allow pictures of babies and blunts!!!!! Not OK. Why would you even think of some tomfoolery like this?? I'm sure the dumb ass father (I can see him in the back) is like "nah, chill son..it's all good....It wasn't even lit." SMFH. Shakin my frickin head at these poor misguided souls. Next time, please keep your children out of our apparently foolish antics or we will start castrating at birth anyone whos name starts with a Ty-, Kwa-, Rae-, Jae-, Hak- or Jam-...Sorry Jamar. That's acceptable but Jamarcus is not. What's next Jamelvin? LOL.




Notice the use of Double D's because they are awesome. Church out.






Live, Love, Fools




Show

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

17 Year old Knockers: In Honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Welcome bitches.



I'm sorry, let me re-phrase that. Welcome, bitches, to the first joint post by Mr. Mulatto and Shorty ShowRock Show, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Shout out to everybody with cancerous titties, niggas that beat cancer (Lefleur What up!!!) and people who will end up getting it from text messaging next to the microwave too much.






Not too make light of the situation, but in all honesty, don't you think its weird that no fine ass females have to go through chemo and end up bald. Think about it....If Amber rose and Star Jones were in a room, who do you think would end up getting diagnosed with cancer? Exactly. Sometimes i think God is cruel, but other times I realize he's just a nig*a (no offense) and hence, pretty women get all the breaks...as they should.





Sorry Ug-mo's. Look on the bright side though...it's almost Halloween which means an = playing field ...unless you're fat, in which case it's your own fault anyway.



Anyway, as you can see, today I figured I'd continue my unabashed recklessness while giving you a first look at an up and coming tennis star, talking about titties and thoroughly offending anyone with a teenage daughter. Oww Owwww.



Seeing as how I happen to know (mr. Mulatto voice) that niggas don't really know much about tennis, I will relate it to something they may be familiar with...Track...or simply running from the police. Running, as I'm sure the general laws of gravity or physics can tell you, is best done without the weight of large titties bouncing against ones chest, sternum or midsection...what...just think of how low old titties sometimes hang. Exactly. This being said, the same gravitational laws apply to other, whiter, sports such as tennis.


Enter Simona Halep. No pun intended.






Is it wrong to talk about 17 year old knockers with drool hanging from your bottom lip? Probably...but who cares...she's older than Miley and they say celebrity adds three years. That being said, for today's purpose...she's 20. LOL.





How the f**k are you supposed to swing a tennis racket with those two pumpkin patch jack-o-lanterns plastered to your 5 foot 7 inch frame? This is ri-tit-ulous. LOL. Funny thing is, despite carry the weight of the world on her...ahem...shoulders... this girl is still an exceptional tennis player.



To put it in perspective, people are calling her the next Anna Kornikova. Are they forgetting she was merely hot and sucked at Tennis. Nevertheless, I digress. Point of the story is, Simona wants to further her Tennis game rather than her porn career (come on guys, shes only 17) and has planned a breast reduction. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!





Those procedures are known to be dangerous....




God forbid something happen to poor simona while she went under the knife. We would never be able to forgive ourselves. Lol.




Exactly. Now you see what the problem is when a society decides to let a 17 year old make her own decisions. Sheeesh. She definitely would've regret this one later down the line when she's just a mildly attractive albeit washed up junior tennis has been. More importantly, her decision would've been selfish.



Think about it. If every woman in the world had Double D's, 1/3 of the malnourished and starving children could be saved from painful deaths merely by sucking down that maternal milk, while at the same time, this would create an excess in the worlds food supply, thereby helping everyone. End world hunger. Save the Ta Ta's.



Think I'm an ass? Well, you are correct. Shock Jocks Opie and Anthony, however, are bigger asses. They actually created a petition to physically stop the Romanian tennis cutie from getting the reduction, under the excuse that she was "too young." LMAO. They even created the now defunct site www.savethetitmonster.com . Don't click it, they've since taken it down. This, however, is an insert I snatched from it while it was still up:




We here at SaveTheTitMonster.com and your friends at the Opie & Anthony Show would like to inform you, the avid Junior tennis fan, that busty Simona Halep is planning on getting a breast reduction later this year. How we see it, God doesn’t need 15 pounds of fatty breast tissue, not just yet. Our goal (as fans of Junior tennis, of course) is to simply stop her from making a mistake that could potentially fix her aching back and/or improve her tennis game. We urge you to sign our petition and take your part in stopping this very gifted young lady in her future selfish operation to better herself.Simona - Do what’s right.


This is wrong on so many levels (But right on so many more.) There are chemo stricken bald headed hoes that would die for those tetas!!! Look at you, giving away God's gift as if to say "Sorry God, I'ma let you finish....but C cups would've been much better for my athletic build. (Kanye Voice)"


Selfish prick.












As you can see from the picture (Simona on the right), the petition failed and they upheld a 17 year old's right to choose. Booooo nigga Boooooo. I guess it's all good though...we'd much rather have a Chuck-E-Cheese faced mediocre tennis star than a hot, athletic anomaly...right?



Tis a sad day when we choose rackets over racks, but simona...we wish you the breast..ahem...best.





Live, Love, DD's

Shorty Showrock Show



Newspapers, Oreos and Zebras

Mr. Mulatto

Monday, October 19, 2009

Nappy Headed Errors & Omissions

Good Morning, Nappy Friends! In case y'all didn't know, your favorite blog reached an important milestone on Friday, as this website officially turned six months old! Over the past six months you've been with us through several conspiracy theories, rankings, lists of things you should try, things that are not okay, general tomfoolery and all-around debauchery. If you're reading right now we haven't completely offended you yet so that's a good thing, and I'd go as far as to say that we stay pretty on-point here.

We ain't perfect, though, and on occasion, we do get things wrong or forget to include everything we wanted to, for various reasons. This is why C4 2 Ya Door & Show Rocka the Blogness Monsta present to you:



Nappy Headed Errors & Omissions: Six-Month Edition


1. Breasts!!!
Everything I said about C-Cups, is actually true for D-cups. D's are the Jordans of Breasts. C's, for being more common and accessible (some would say affordable), are rally more like Air Force Ones. Clean + Brand New = Fresh to Death! Scuffed? Old? Unkempt? Then it's just a run of the mill sneaker. So in short, if you really wanna be like Mike, Throw Some D's on dat b!tc# !!! Oh yeah, I stand by what I said about A's, B's and DD's. Click the hyperlinks to refresh your memory.



2. Flyest White Chicks In Music
Biggest lesson I learned is you can never make people happy with rankings. A lot of you, even my own Nappy Headed Bro, came right at my neck for this whole list, spouting off all these women who had nothing to do with music. Read the whole title before you stare at the pics, people. But I digress. Also, my definition of "Fly" includes personal style and quality of music with how the woman looks. I didn't say "Sexiest" or "Hottest," I said "Flyest." Yes, it's a word cuz I said so. Read the news if you don't like it.



I'll admit right now that Pink should have been #2 over Gwen Stefani, it's just the truth, but Gwen ain't dipping below #3. These young hoes can't see her! They haven't earned what she's earned, pal.

I do have some inner conflict about this list I created though. After a very tough deliberation, I am completely restructuring the middle third of the ranking, and say that Fergie comes in at #6, Lady Gaga is #5, and Katy Perry is #4. All three can sing their asses off. Fergie is the least physically attractive, oldest, and doesn't play instruments. Gaga and Katy both present threesome possibilities, so that's a wash. Style-wise eccentric can be good but there's a fine line Gaga tap-dances all over. Lady Gaga might turn a ninja out, but she's the kind of girl you bone, "once, twice, three times if the devil's in ya," to quote Blanche DuBois (Streetcar!). KP I'll theorize has the good noo-noo, has a cool style AND looks respectable enough to walk around town with and not cause a scene for no reason, so she wins.

And she's got bigger titties.

Sorry, Gaga.


3. No-No-Notorious!

OK, OK, B.I.G. fans. I know the "suck your daddy dick" line was a Richard Pryor reference due to your wild protests and vehement defense of the King of NY. But are you aware that he sometimes used words in raps that he didn't know the meaning of? Namely, "obsolete."


Main Entry: 1ob·so·lete

Pronunciation: \ˌäb-sə-ˈlēt, ˈäb-sə-ˌ\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin obsoletus, from past participle of obsolescere to grow old, become disused, perhaps from ob- toward + solēre to be accustomed

Date: 1579
1 a : no longer in use or no longer useful b : of a kind or style no longer current : old-fashioned technology>

Clear? Good. So why did BIG say things like:

"Who shot ya? Separate the weak from the obso-lete, hard to creep these Brooklyn streets."

Eh? might work, right? Well what about this one?

"Needless to speak, the G's obsolete, don't speak. Banged the skins in a week."

Yeah if your game was obsolete then you'd hit no skins at all. But of course, you hippity hoppers don't read books or know SAT words, so you let it slide. NOT US!!!!

Sidenote: There has been a lot said about the pause-worthy quotables from Biggie, but the former NappyHeaded Bro WJA3 reminded about the gayest rhyme of all time not spit by an openly gay rapper. Oddly enough, it was done in a battle rap, by probably the last guy in hip-hop with the balls to go after LL Cool J.
That's right ladies and gents. Canibus. With Mike Tyson in his video for 2nd Round K.O. (and let's not forget about all the public comments from Iron Mike that are only acceptable in jail), Canibus spits, "You might have more cash than me, but you ain't got the skills to eat a nigga's ass like me." Whoa. Has anyone outside the porno industry ever boasted about their ass-eating skills? Ever? I'll wager to guess it's been Canibus, a slew of scandalous scallywags, hookers, and gay dudes. That's it. The whole quote just sounds so gross. For shaaaaaame.

Yes, we all know Canibus had one of the gayest rap lines ever with that nonsense, but that does not excuse B.I.G.'s blatantly homosexual lyrics. Despite the fact that he may have snatched the "suck on you daddy's di*k" reference from richard prior, a few loyal blog followers have pointed out some other gay lines that even a man as astute as I previously missed.
zach: found your father sittin in the room
zach: fucked him with the broom ...slit him down the back and threw salt in the wound


How did we forget that legendary line from "Dead Wrong?" Did Richard Prior say that too?
Or better yet, did he tell Biggie to say " Niggas press they luck and, they get a butt f**king/ straight up the ass, raw dog with the rash"? Yeaaaa. I didn't think so. SMH.



4. C4's Mohawk was better than Diddy's...according to C4. Y'all can agree, disagree, or go kick rocks! You too, Showrocka!!!


Carl-Hawk 2: The Faux


Carl-Hawk 1





6. Auto-Tune has survived the death sentence, as the I Am T-Pain App proves.


All the Girls I met (On Facebook): by Showrocka
http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/128266/170027/?did=1887133



Balls :by C4
http://smule-media-app.smule.com/tpain/0E973BCB-CEE1-4B4E-AFE3-A0A371766501.m4a


I'm on a Plane :By Dezo
http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/1/168791/?did=2175743



Bi*ch I got a Hot Tub: By Lefleur
http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/128266/98305/?did=1887133



---C4 to ya door


--Showrock on ya block


Church. Even though I aint been in over a year...unless you count funerals or weddings.