Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Flyest White Chicks In Music...Ya Dig?

It's Official, boys and girls! After bearing our souls and exposing the pale-skinned skeletons in our musical closets over the past two days, the Bros have decided to go ahead and just make this White Girl Week here on NappyHeadedBros.com, and Hump Day features plenty of variety for you muddasuckas out there. We got pale princesses of all ages, types, shapes, sizes, and levels of drug addiction, cuz to quote the late great Pimp C, "Bitch you know you like daaaaaaaat!"

The title up top speaks for itself, so without further to-do (Boriqua voice)....


C4 Presents: The Flyest White Chicks In Music (in order of flyness)

OK, so I lied about the whole "further to-do" thing. First I'd like to qualify this list by who is the flyest right now, not of all time or of ten years ago. It's damn near 2010 people, 1999 was a long time ago. Kids born that year are about to be in middle school, so stop bitchin' you old dirty bastard. So with that in mind, don't expect to find Jessica Simpson (even though she's thick now), Christina Aguilera (take a shower!) or Britney Spears (I support your long road back to relative normalcy). "Who will I find then C4? You've disqualified the darlings of my teenage years!" Have no fear, fat loser guy. Yours answers are directly below.

9. Kelly Clarkson

Oh my baby, Kelly. Girl you just be sangin' your heart out! She's got that attainable girl next door charm that America agrees is just unmatched. America believes this so much, they made her the very first American Idol, and after all these years she's still the most successful, and arguably the most talented from the Simon Cowell Kennel. Kelly's the kind of girl you wife up, cheat on, then are sorry you did it because she's such a great girl, but keep doing it anyway.

2005
What's not to love about these hazel eyes

But not to be overlooked, which dropped her to the bottom of this list (f*** it I'm shallow), is that my baby is putting on some serious weight! And not that good Jessica Simpson weight.
Since you've been gone! I hit the buffet for the first time! The chicken was good, yeeeeeaah, yeah!

This is bad weight, but f*** it. She's my birthday buddy (April 24th), and I have faith in her come-back-ability body-wise. Musically though, hasn't missed a beat. I could never turn my back on you, baby. My life would suck without you.

8. Joss Stone


I almost feel like she should be disqualified for being overly black. First, she's 20 and sings like a 45 y/o obese black woman from Mississippi. Second, she's British, and the sexy accent alone is grounds for dismissal (of knuckle children!). On top of all that, the b**** is f***ing Raphael Saadiq!!! Fell in love with a boy? No, fell in love with a legend. That's baller. I don't even know if she knows how ballerific that is. Have y'all heard his last album? With her on it? Her swag is crazy right now. And peep the lezzie kiss from her new movie. Foreboding further down the list? I think so.



7. Miley Cyrus

All I'll say about our Monday Crush is that this little girl has maaaad stage presence (Rihanna take notes!), and did her thing at VH1 Divas Live (no Kanye). I only worry that like Christina Aguilera and Lindsay Lohan before her, she'll never be as hot as she is right now, as dirty old and young men try with all their might to keep their hands away from their johnsons for fear of retribution while patiently awaiting 2011. Hopefully she'll at least Britney it up and not burn out til 23. But this pic is just wrong.
Feel dirty? You should, you pervert! (Yeah, me neither)

6. Katy Perry

If I kiss this girl, I will like it!

Gotta give it up for the first chick to actually sing about the young lady curiosity that seems to be a right passage nowadays into young adulthood. And guys love it! The whole Girls Gone Wild franchise was created in her spirit (albeit before her fame). And she's got hella spunk, son! Attitude off the charts. Big-Ups to the pop star gully (relatively) enough to call say to her dude in a song, "you're so gay, and you don't even like boys." Way to stick it (pause) to all these p***y ass girly men who need to be told about themselves. I ain't mad atcha Katy. Your image is a lil too well organized, but I think it's genuine at heart, and I dig it.

5. Fergie

See yesterday!!!

4. Lady Gaga

I love this chick! I can't get enough of her. I wanna p-p-p-poker her face, p-p-poke her faaaace! Her whole style, her whole swag, her crazy, everything! And this is why. The bitch is obviously a little off, mentally. And she hides none of it! And I love her for it. She makes out with chicks in her videos (third girl-kisser on this list), her wardrobe game is other-worldly (for better or worse) her music is catchy AND good, and she wants to take a ride on my disco stick! (hey I personalize these songs) She sings about getting f***'d up in the club like none other either (sorry J-Foxx). Oh, and shorty used to be a stripper. She might have the best pum-pum on this list. Or at least one that will Erykah Badu a ninja.

You know who she is? She's Christina Aguilera who bathes, and who's image isn't just a marketing construct. That's really her. She can sing her ass off live on piano, she can rock the stage and the video. Props baby. Respect. My number is 410-.....

3. Pink

Lil Miss I Don't Give a F*** is still the baddest white bitch in the music biz, almost a decade in the game. Made the successful transition out of faux R&B thug chick life to the punk rocker she really is, and even inspired our very own Wha Gwan Anwar to choose the UPenn, in Philly, partly on her behalf. And he's a smart ass dude (whether or not he's using those smarts for good or evil). The tattoo game is sexy as hell, the nose ring, the music is straight from the heart, and she might stab you if you piss her off. Is she Puerto Rican???

2. Gwen Stefani

Inexplicably Sexy since 1996. No body? No problem. Face is alright, f*** it. Still inspires knuckle children the world over even in motherhood. Embrace the MILF status, Gwen. You've earned it. No Doubt.


1. Madonna

OK so I kinda lied about the whole Lifetime Achievement portion of this, but I can't hate on a chick who was a sex symbol when I was born, and still is one. Plus she got a new album out so there. And if any of these young hoes wanna step to her, they will feel the wrath worse than a sexy midget getting busy with Kobe Bryant.



Now to borrow Show's sign-off,

Live, Love, La White Girl,

C4 2 Ya Door


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Love You But I Wish I Could Quit You Pt 4: Fergie



What you gon' do with all this blog, all this blog up on your screen?! Ima make make make, make you read, make you read, make you reeeeaaaaddddd!!!!!

Before I continue I'd like to applaud my Nappy Headed Bro, Show Rock for coming forth with his Miley Cyrus addiction. It has finally inspired me, the Infamous Blog Killah, to reveal my own dark (or should I say Caucasian) temptation. Her name is Fergie, and she's one of the flyest chicks in the game, f*** what you heard and how you hatin'. And I will defend her and her lovely lady lumps at the risk of my future credibility, dammit. What can I say? She made me love her. She snuck up on me like the meth she once did herself. I'm serious. This was the original case that inspired the series, just couldn't pull the trigger...until now.


Can you blame me, readers? Fergie has superpowers. There's no denying it. Don't believe me? Let me count the ways.

1. She's Sexy
"Fergalicious: My body stay vicious; I be up in the gym, just workin' on my fitness, he's my witness. I got your boy on rock-rock, and he be lining down the block just to watch what I got."

It's true. Despite the hard plastic face, despite the former meth use, despite occasionally peeing herself on stage, Fergie the Dutchess is a sexy bitch. Hell, maybe because of it. I like a woman with some flaws. I think we all like our celebrities a little flawed. It makes them real, brings them down to earth. She's 34 years old, her body is banging, and her face has clearly had work. Note the evidence from this side by side from her days as a member of an ill-fated group called Wild Orchid. Look at her back then. She's young, smooth, and smoking f***in hot, like to the point that one might consider her unattainable.

Not anymore, buddy. Is she still in shape? Damn right.Fergie makes me wanna lick the side of that hard plastic face like I'm making out with a mannequin while feeling up the body of real lovely lady lumps. She's got that older woman gym firmness that Madonna's perfected, with a certain girlish charm and spunk I can't get enough of. I love how kinda hot she is. She is my suburban crack. Which brings me to my next point...

Speaking of Suburban Crack...


2. She's got SWAG

"I like that boom boom poooow, them chickens jockin' my style, they try to copy my swagger, I'm on that next shit now! I'm so 3000 and 8, you so 2000 and late! I got that boom boom boom, that future boom boom boom..."

You almost picture a sassy fat black nine year-old, rolling her neck and taunting her classmates when listening to those lines, don't you? Delightful! Ever actually listen to her lyrics? The chick has the swagger and clever coyness that we hip hop lovers yearn to get from our female rappers, without all the extra gross STD references (Lil Kim) or trying to be more gangsta than Tookie Williams (Remy Ma, you dumbass). It's kinda throw-back to the Salt-N-Pepa, "I'll Take Yo Man" kind of vibe. The nostalgic feeling is definitely a big part of her charm. Fergie keeps it sexy enough with a playful, suggestive style that allows her to retain some lady-like decorum, or at least that of a chick you don't wanna think too many times about boning.



3. She's a cash cow

"We flyin' first class up in the sky We flyin' first class, livin' the life In the fast lane and I won't change By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy"


I'll put a million dollars down that Will.i.am wrote that line, and that he wasn't thinking about Fergie at all. He was thinking about himself, and his two nut ass homeboys, and what they're white lady friend did for their lives. Fergie did for the Black Eyed Peas what every black man secretly wants from his beloved white woman: she took them to the Promised Land. There's no denying that the addition of Fergie to the group turned them from half-rappin' ass west coast backpackers with marginal soul, to a multi-platinum international supergroup. Gotta respect a woman who can influence the pop world so profoundly, for better or for worse. And how did she do it, you ask? See #4.

Before

After


4. She's soooooooo catchy!

"You got me trippin'(oh), stumblin'(oh), flippin'(oh), fumblin'(so)
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' iiiin looove(in love)"

And here's where the crystal meth analogy really comes true. I'll be casually listening to the radio, minding my own business, wandering away from my local "Blazin' Hip-Hop and R&B" (i.e. the hood) to the Top 40 Station(the suburbs) and get blindsided by some potent tooth-rotting, hair-graying, TV-stealing musical methodone.

C4's Brain: "Damn that shit is kinda hot. Ignorant, but fly."

I was listening to "My Humps" for the first time. But it's okay, I'm just experimenting. I'm expanding my horizons.

C4's Brain:"Oh man, this is heartfelt, catchy, a little cheesy, but I can't help but rock out to it like a schoolgirl."

"Big Girls Don't Cry" was on my airplane headphones. More Fergie, huh? Seems like a trend. I was feeling her other joints too. This is becoming a bit of a habit. Naaaah. I mean, I keeps it thorough though, I listen to the Clipse. I can stop listening to this whenever I feel like it. Right now I just don't feel like it.

C4's Brain: "Oooh this shit is kinda funky. I wonder which hot new young black chick is singing this."
It was "Clumsy."

In all three occasions, I was listening to and loving me some Fergie Ferg, and I didn't even know it! By the last one, I was panicking. I knew enough of her stuff that I should recognize her style, or at least her voice. But why do I even know so much Fergie? Why is it she can still sneak up on me this way, rocking me to sleep with her voice then pouncing upon my sub-conscious?

I've got a problem. I need rehab. Where's that Blueprint 3? The Ecstatic? The Drake mixtape even!

I guess there's only one thing left for me to say.

I hope you know, I hope you knoooooow, that this has nothing to do with you!
It's personal, myself and IIIIIII, we've got some straightening out to dooooo!
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a Blog Killaaaah

And C4 Don't Cry.....

Monday, September 28, 2009

I love you but I wish I could Quit You Pt. 3 : Miley Cyrus




Fat people like buffets and white people like like drinking wine. This is fact.



Despite my own tendency to form conspiracy theories from the smallest bit of evidence, I am convinced that these people "like" these things out of genuine desire to indulge in them. There is no status to be gained by being the fattest man at the buffet or having the rosiest cheeks and most slurred speech at a cocktail party. This being said, these things fall into the category of things people actually like.



Other things, however, are things which people pretend to like because it makes them seem "cool" or "different." Ironically, there was a whole early 2000's wierdo movement where people thought they were being "different" by dressing exactly like Pharrel. No, you didn't look different guys...you looked like a carbon copy of a Gay. Sorry. I digress...






Remember when grown men and women were rocking sponge bob T-shirts and Pajama pants outside the house? Oh...maybe that was just a New Haven Thing. Nevertheless, many things fall into this category as well. Think of how many times you've heard a black person say they like Nickelback, Limp Biscuit or Linkin Park yet couldn't name one damn song off their album. (This, is the same phenomenon often representative of 'Fair weather fans' who couldn't name one person on their "favorite team's" roster besides Randy Moss or Derrick Jeter.) I despise these people, yet at one time questioned whether or not I had indeed become one.



Did I really like Miley Cyrus or was it just a fad....just a phase? Was I a secret pedophile or did I actually like the music and acting ability of a teenage white girl?



I thought long and hard about...then my pondering was interrupted by Kiss 95.7 playing that New Miley joint, "Party in the USA." I shit you not, I was nodding my head like I was at a Nas concert in 96. Tranquility had been reached. I liked her, and quite possibly...you like her too (Weezy voice.)



I love you but I wish I could quit you (Pt. 3): Miley Cyrus




It started off like drugs. You sniff it, light it or take your first hit. The important thing is , you do it once. It is an experiment. Such was my first encounter with miley.



For those of you who are unaware (or live under a rock,) Miley Cyrus is a white Pop Culture princess and I am a black guy who raps (i refuse to type ""rapper" because I dont get paid to do it.) This being said It was a natural progression that in my attempt to rap and keep up on current events (aka appeal to the TMZ crowd) I made a reference in which I talked about being thugged out and still watching Hannah Montana. I thought it was funny. Problem was, however, that I had never watched the show or listened to Destiny Hope Cyrus...ahem....Miley's music. I am Mr. keep it 100, I said to myself. How can I sit and tell the public a bold faced lie? I couldn't. The decision was made. I had to take my first hit of Miley...and it was sooooooo sweet.




At this point I know some of you are thinking "is this a thinly veiled reference to trying drugs, underage women or actually an ode to a teenage singer?" To that I say, draw your own conclusions. Sure I think miley is cute, but nothing about her screams Jennifer Lopez, or Jenna Jameson. Miley is cute in that she appears to act her age. Her show is pretty funny and the girl can blow (sing...get your mind out the gutter.) Do I think it was OK for "Lil wayne and dem" to say "In about three years, holler at me Miley Cyrus" in their song "Every Girl?" Nope. It wan't and Billy Ray shouldve kicked his five foot ass for co-signing that nonsense. On the other had, Billy Ray has to know everyone wants to give his daughter the business. What? I'm just keeping it 100.




So, what happened next in this dangerous downward spiral towards drinking Heineken and watching the Disney channel, might you ask? Well, you see...I wake up early. Whether I was waking up early to watch Hannah Montana or if it was a coincidence is irrelevant. The end result was me watching Hannah Montana (although not with the same "I want to beat off" feeling I get when watching other Disney Princess Raven Simone...what? She's legal.) If you think I'm lying, you can ask my girlfriend at the time who would awake to me watching Miley and eating Old Chinese food at 8:00 am. Don't judge me.



I was hooked. Downloading songs and Tivo'ing episodes...Breaking out into cold Miley Sweats. I had a problem though I would seldom admit it. That's the first step...denial. I DO NOT, LIKE MILEY CYRUS. I DO NOT LIKE MILEY CYRUS.




Friends: Yo what are you doing tonight? Lets hit the strip Club.



Showrock's Mouth (No Homo): Nah fam. I gotta chill with wifey.



Showrock's Brain (Extra no homo): Must watch Miley re-runs.




I ignored the urges and made the decision not to try and "bring my Little cousins" to the grand premiere of the Miley concert in 3-D movie. I was going to fight this cold turkey. Then it happened...






I was riding in the rimmed up tinted out whip with the ipod on shuffle. A few minutes before I hit the hood, windows down, Timbs and hoody crisp and it happened... my Iphone re-introduced me to the greatest musical paradox I have ever witnessed and it was my fault. My stereo went from bumping "Catalina" off of Raekwon's Only built for Cuban Link's Pt 2. to Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA. Our relationship had been exposed, and thus, I had to call it quits. It was getting out of hand and before I began missing work or sneaking an ipod into the bathroom stalls I intervened on myself. No, I didn't need A&E for this intervention as I, myself, had taken the first step towards independence.




I know there's a long, difficult road ahead ...but wish me luck.



Live, Love, "when the Brittney song is on....I said the Brittney Song is onnnnnnnnnnn!"

Show

Friday, September 25, 2009

Pre Wedding Web Soup (All suitible for work)

Well. Last night was eventful. One of my boys came over in his final night of freedom before getting married on Saturday. You all know what this means...
Party time? LOL. Nah.... But at least it means like a potiental for plenty of blog worth material on Monday. Also, Me, Lefleur & Buc Dinero went sick on the auto tune last night and created 3 certified bangers..."I wanna wife her", "I got a Hot Tub" and "Meat Whipper (No Homo). Audio soon to follow.

As for now, I gotta get my black ass on the highway as I have a big state test comming up and need to hit this review session. That being said, Im gonna be neglecting my blogging duties today, but not without leaving you with some funny shit.

This is the funnies music video I've ever seen in my entire life...and no its not mine. Just check it. Shouts to Shanga for sending it to me a while back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-Ve8MNc1WE

This is a pretty funny music video too....


Oh, check this shit too. Forwarded from Maino. Disclaimer: If you are fat, this will either disgust you to the point of skinny-dom, or make you fatter.

http://www.thisiswhyyourefat.com/

And just for good measure.... some good old fashioned boobs.


Thursday, September 24, 2009

"She can walk witha switch and talk wit street slang"



Yo! What up, fam?! It's NappyHeadBros.com, we in the building, it's going down, you know how we do, all day every day! Eh-y-thing is eh-y-thing, son, what's really good?! You know what time it is! We makin' it do what it do, we puttin' it down, we holdin' you down all day, let's go, let's get it!!!

(takes a breather)







Whew. Alright, so what it did I just say in that first paragraph? If you answered, "you were kickin us off with the fly intro, letting us know what time it is (amongst other things)" then I have a very special prize for you. To claim it, immediately close your browser window, shut down your computer, go take two turd pills and wash em down with a glass of stripper period, you jackass!!!






For those of you (and I'm assuming that's the vast majority of our readership, or else we have created a worse monster than we thought. Maybe I did go too far with the coon post) who said "that was nothing but marginally coherent cliche and filler," continue reading. You are somebody.




Why is it, then, that the Terrences and Rocsi's, Khaleds (he the worst!), Funk Flex's and countless other radio DJs and music-related personalities bombard us constantly with 8-hit combos of catch phrases until we no longer know what they mean to accomplish by saying them? Or worse, maybe they don't even know what they mean to accomplish with this verbal SPAM attacking our collective aural inbox. Early.






In all honesty though, cliched slang has been a part of the urban vernacular as long as we remember. JJ Evans said Dy-No -Mite! Fat Albert sais Hey-Hey-Hey. When was it, however, that individuals dumb ass catch phrases turned into collective and ubiquitous societal lingo used as much as possible?



I can't front. "What's really good?" sounds a lot tougher than "How are you doing today." But once it morphed like a Power Ranger into "what's really, really, really good?" Or "What's hood?", it became ridiculous and transcended the realm of tomfoolery.



Are you serious? What's hood? Hmmmm. Pissy staircases, tenement housing, crack rocks, naked children, busted open fire hydrants? Oh, you meant how am I feeling or what am I up to. I'm sorry, you blatant use of a nonsensical catch phrase blurried your intent into a nebulous colloquialism.



How'd all this shit get out of hand, might you ask? The Coon Coalition aka Funk Master Flex, Prodigy from Mobb Deep, Snoop Dogg, E-40, DJ Khaled, Max B & French Montana, Ghostface Killa, Nore and the Dipset. These are some of the worst, yet most influential people to create dumb yet accepted slang. Terence J is not included because he just hops on everyone elses sack and steals their swag and lingo.



The Rapper...The Offense



Funk Flex:





"This shit is Ugly"or "This is Super Ugly"meaning that something was "quite good." Also, Being the first to play Juvenile's 'Ha' and popularizing it because he thought it was sooooo bad that it was funny. Joke's on him.



Prodigy:



"Dunn-Dunn", "Dunny" meaning "homeboy, friend or aquaitence.



Snoop Dogg:




"Fa Shizzle" meaning "agreed or for sure". "What's Crackalackin" short for what's crackin or whats up.



E-40:




Too much nonsensical, bastardized slang to list (he has his own slang dictionary coming out.) Highlights include "Fetti" for money (short for fetta cheese). Also the popularizer of the term "Captain Save a ho." Ok, 40-water gets a pass. We like his slang.



Dj Khaled:





'We the best, who, weeeeeeeeeeee nigga' and before that the phrase "Listennnnnnnnnnn" . While nonsensical in origin these phrases were latched onto by Deejays and Radio Personalities making them 1000000X more annoying. They also mean nothing and to top it all off...Khaled isn't even black. He's Arab. SMH.



Max B & French Montana:





"Owwwwww" which means nothing, and "Wavvvy" as in cool. Possibly derived from "Groovy". Alternate uses include riding the wave aka "being aware of the flyest new shit going on" or being on that wave aka Drunk. This is one of those words like "Jawn" which can really mean anything. I.e. in philly you can translate "did you see the girl in the green shirt in front of the mailbox?" to "Aiyo, did you check the jawn with the green jawn on in front of the jawn right there?" I have seriously heard this convo go down.



Dipset:


PLEASE NOTE JIM JONES HAS HIS DOOBIE (Hair) WRAPPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"What's really good", "Aye", "Baaaaalin", and the faggoty trend of niggas rocking oversized earrings and pink gear. The phrases however are what offend me. "Aye" is just a sound, or something you say during a Mexican Hat dance... "What's really good" achieved a life of its own, and "Baaaalin" led many-an-educated black man into supercilious debt from spending on transitory material items which depreciate by the second. SMH.

Jim Jones (a Continuation of Dip set) -




"You smell me?" "Ya dig?" (looking at SELF, C4) "Underdig?" Jimmy from dipset aka Mr. Please Don't Wash My Face lands these phrases on the list for being one of the most prolific MCs at awkwardly overusing E-40 slang and trying to make it east coast. Aggravating factors include the fact that he's usually making ridiculous ignorant claims while throwing in these phrases like commas. A lot like his former homeboy Max B.

Lil Wayne -




"Overstand me." Again, Weezy didn't make this up, or even be the first to say it recently (Jeezy). He just has made it dumb popular, emphasis on the dumb. I mean, I guess this speaks more to so many people riding his nuts these days than anything else. Let's keep it 100 on Wayne, okay? 50% of the time he spits pure hot fiyah. The other 50% varies from off-color, to strange, to pure hot garbage.


Why? Cuz Wayne does a lot of drugs. All the time. So please call him out on the wack verses, and the next time you wanna take his word for gospel, remind yourself. He might just be high. And you don't take your local crackhead seriously do you? Didn't think so. Young mulah, baaaa-*cough hack spit hack cough*

Honorable mentions....NORE, Freeway (Early), Paul Wall (What it do) Ghostface (and the whole Wu) and Big L. Big L's Ebonics was dope. He gets a pass like E-40.



This being said, I'm bout to slide out and handle some B.I. Big Up's to my fam readin the blog and a special shout out to all the goons,the Bosses, the d-Boys, Stick Up Kids, Trap Stars, Hot Boys (no homo) ,Hot girls, 5 Star Chicks, bad bitches, ryde or Die Chicks, and Gangsta Bitches. :)



I know the post was mad crazy fly, so don't front...you know I gotcha open. "This shit right here...?" It's straight butter my dude, best you ever had. Ask you girl. She like the way I do it, cause we Debo the game, keep it 100 and make sure it's always off the meat rack like veggie burgers. Believe dat.



Live, Love, livin life in Marvelous times while Kickin in the door wavin the 4-4...

Show-Show and Cee-Fo'

Real World Tomfoolery Pt. 1


I know a lot of you guys check in at around 9:00 Am for your daily blog fix, but today I'm gonna do something a bit different.


I came across the following pic and accompanying story last night and couldn't resist.


A white police officer is claiming reverse discrimination because his superior officers "didn't think they were professional". Somehow, I am led to believe, they looked more professional on the black officers. SMH. I can't front...If I saw a black subordinate officer with a white hairstyle (like when Kanye had that mullet) I may have pulled his monkey ass out of line and disciplined him too!!!!


Today, however...you be the judge. Look at the following pic and leave your comment in the comments section. Once I get enough contrasting opinions on this tomfoolery, I will post today's "Official Ether Blog."

Lets see those comments!!!! If this ni**a pulled you over, I'm sure you'd have something to say....so don't be shy. See you bitches at Noon!!!!!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Phew...It's about time we brought back slavery!

Anyone who knows me knows I don't really DO pop-culture blogs...I save that for Perez Hilton and the rest of the rainbow coalition(aka the brown helmet boys--No homo--....just think, you'll get it.)


Why don't I do pop culture, might you ask? Cause' I've got a reputation to uphold in these streets. LOL. I don't even do that MediaTakeout.com shit cause I'm waaaaaaay too busy.


Nevertheless, I feel the need to touch upon a few facets of celebrity Tomfoolery only to show the inherent racism and cultural imperialism being secretly brewed to perfection somewhere on Rodeo drive. That's right niggas and nigettes, white people are trying to outsmart us again, just like they did 400 years ago when they said "Free cruise to America with fried chicken and white women."



Yea i said it and have no qualms in defending it! Dr. Evil and his Caucasian empire are trying to make us slaves again... and I aint goin for it!!!

Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice shame on me. One time's a lollipop (no homo) , two times a sucker. I think you get the point. I love white people and all (especially Sheyla Hershey, Denise Richards and all the dudes from Superbad)...




However... I dont think I'm ready to go back on the auction block or work the fields and end up as black as my window tints.


This being said, I'm finna (southern word of the day) break it down to you as I lay down another certified Showrock Conspiracy theory...(Yall remember the Purple Blog right?) I'm bout to 'Ether' this shit.



Showrocka Presents: Conspiracy Theories

Phew...It's about time we brought back slavery!


I know I say some off color shit and often offend the same white girls I'm trying to trick into teasing my tastebuds with the tips of their tantalizing ta-tas, but I am also an ass and don't give a shit.





In all honesty, I can't blame white people for having slaves. It seems like a pretty sweet deal...let them work for free while you chill all day, enjoy the fruits of their labor and fornicate with them whenever possible. The only problem with this, is that we human beings are all equals so it's JUST PLAIN WRONG. You had your "slavery" run, and while I wish that I was somehow on the benefiting end of the situation, I wasn't, and it is now over.






Sure you guys are salty that you lost your free Labor and booty, but whatever. Fair is fair. You tricked us back when you were smarter than us (or had the power of EVERY institution backing you), and now that you aren't in that position, we all have to be treated as equals. Agreed? Agreed.


Multi Media Conglomerates and Celebrities...where the f**k do you get off trying to bring back slavery? So what you have all the power and money...its not 1492 and WE HAVE LAWS and CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS. I know by now a lot of you are thinking, why the f**k does Show believe Celebs are trying to enslave us? read and learn.


Step 1: Black people (and other minorities) like Beer and Chicken wings. What sport is most often associated with these two things? Football. Plain and simple, there is no other answer. We don't eat spinach Dips and Triscits (well, I do...but I'm an exception), we eat Wings (pronounced Waaaaaangs) and watch football. This being said, huge conglomerates are really pushing this fantasy football thing.


"Owning" players gets us used to the concept of ownership as applied to human beings. Why do you think J-Lo, the Williams Sisters, Mark Anthony, and fine ass milftastic Gloria Estefan all own part of the Miami Dolphins. Think about it, use minorities to get minorities used to the concept of "human ownership."


Step 2: Powerful (ahem...white.. :) ) people unite! Why try to train a stubborn dog, when you can raise a puppy to behave exactly as you wish? You following my logic yet?

Rather than simply have children whom (as shown through parenting law) you can treat like slaves, Celebs are out adopting babies from other countries in an attempt to own us all over again. Down with cultural colonialism and nigga hoarding (lol). See examples below.

The worst part about this new Prada baby phenomenon (i call it this cause these bitches are switchin these babies up like designer bags...i.e. "I think I'ma rock my Ethiopian tonight to the premiere") is that it was a black woman who gave them the idea!!!! Just like the Europeans stole the idea of slavery from African tribes that were doing it to each other. SMH. When will we learn!!!

Josephine Baker, an African American Songstress who was fine as Whine (shout out to Gavino) , at the age of 50, adopted 12 children from different countries and ethnic backgrounds as part of a protest for the black civil rights movement.
Now when I say she adopted 12 children from 12 countries I don't mean 12 countries in Africa (aka 12 different shades of pitch black and purple..jk), I mean an actually diverse household which she called the "Rainbow Tribe." Korean, Japanese, Finnish,Colombian, Canadian, French-Jewish,Algerian, Moraccan...the list goes on.

While I applaud her for her bold statement, these modern day celebrities witness the act yet completely ignored the intent. Let's be honest. They didn't adopt these babies because they were cute...how cute could you possibly think a black child is when you honestly believe he'll grow up and rob, rape or kill you. They adopted these children because it's "cute" to show your status and amount of star power by buying the one thing that is technically "not for sale"...Human Life!!! (Hookers excluded. Mike Tyson bought exotic Tigers. These MF'ers are buying niggas!! Sorry for my perpetual use of the N word. It's just so convenient.

Below you will find empirical evidence that this is more than a theory...


Madonna: adoption of one-year-old David Banda of Malawi


Meg Ryan: bringing home new daughter Daisy, whom she adopted in China

Angelina: Ethiopian Zahara Marley Jolie-Pitt & Maddox Jolie Pitt (Cambodia.)


Mia Farrow (the worst), adopted ten children from all around the world, the most famous of them, Soon-Yi Previn, who went on to have an affair with Mia's then-significant-other, Woody Allen, as a teenager. Then Woody and Soon-Yi married and adopted two children themselves.




Wrong on so many levels. So so (Jermaine Dupri reference) many levels.


Hopefully your eyes have been opened to the new danger which, with education and passive resistance, can eventually be overcome. Just remember, the next time you see something that "just aint right", let the investigative Nappyheaded Private detectives know !!! True story, we can smell a conspiracy a mile away dunn-dunn.


Live, Love, F**king with yall !!!


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Families That Can Get It (Pt. 2)

"The middle-aged housewife is situated in the worst case scenario in terms of the "families that can get it" spectrum. You are 36 years old and Hot. You had your daughter at 18 and your mom had you at 20. What this means is that people can theoretically be jerking off to visions of you, your daughter and your milf mom simultaneously."



Just don't do it to this pic because I'm in it. God forbid you get skeet on your computer, or even worse, on an image of me on your computer!!!!

As most of my viewership is in their early to late twenties I feel safe in referencing the opening quotation. Please keep it in mind as it is important, and we will revisit it at the end of the post.

Depending on when you first started reading the blog, you may or may not be familiar with our post series "families that can get it." Yea that's right, ladies. Every time you and your family walk by, we men (as programmed by nature) are conditioned to check out you, your sisters, your daughters, your mamas and even your mama's mama. LOL. Don't get mad, just consider yourself fortunate to have been born into a family with good genes. Just don't go to the bar for "mother-daughter let's get trashed night" because niggas will try to run a train on you.

All these things being said...."let's take it back to the old school" (Greg Nice voice...Google him.)

Back in the days I wanted to fu*k the mismatched converse off of Punky Brewster's big titted ass. (I think it is OK to say that, because I was little back then too.) Sidenote: Punky Brewster somehow ended up dating Al B. Sure...Now google that shit!



Say what you will, Solei Moon Frye (aka Punky) is hot.

I also had a thing for Whitley from a Different World, Topenga from boy meets world and Peggy Bundy (don't ask.)



The point of me saying this is, "TV chicks that we want to bone" come a dime a dozen. What then is the allure of the seemingly unattainably gorgeous celebrity if you can pick one from any television channel at any given time? What then, is the penultimate goal of beating off to sitcoms while home from school on a snow day? I'll tell you what the goal is.

Finding that one show, that one true gem in a sea of cubic zirconias and cheap Mall jewelry...that one show where every single woman in the family is a suitable fantasy for popping off your bastard knuckle children into a napkin (or Kotex light days panty liner...hahaha...shout out to #4104. LOL.) Do these families even exist on TV? Hell fu*king yes. They also exist in real life, but I wont name any names. You know if your mom is hot...you may not like it...but you know.




Showrocka Presents: Families that can get it (Pt. 2).

2.) The Winslows

Harriet



Ok, maybe we are starting off slow. Give me a break, the post is titled "Families that can get it" not "families that are models." On a dark night (or a lonely one) you'd give her the business. Don't front. She's got that freaky, Cheryl underwood from Comic view face. Ok, lets keep it moving.

Aunt Rachel (Oww Owww). (Please ignore Laura's creepy smile and adolescent Rabbit teeth.)



"Ridin on them chrome rims, smokin on that sticky/ riding with a girl same color as a Hicky." Get it? She's a Red bone. Lol.

Maybe I just have a thing for older women, but I would've beat that high yellow punanni up until it looked like it had a run in with chris brown (before the bowtie.) LOL.







You never saw her with dates on the show, despite her being cute...hmmm....RED FLAG!! Either she likes girls (+1), is upstairs with the Jackrabbit getting it in (+2) or is waiting for a viewer like you to suggest she go into the adult film industry (+100)like young judy below...damn, you didn't know that? Guess I ruined the surprise.

Daughter Judy (Jetson voice & cadence. lol)




Remember she kinda disappeared from the show? Yea. No one really knows why, but we do know it was the catalyst to her downward spiral of sexy craziness. That's right, soon after turning 18 she got herself hooked on drugs and, yep, you guessed it, began "acting in adult films." While at the time she was on the show she was just a young'n, she is proof that good things come to those who wait. LOL. It'd only really be gross if the porn director was the same one who directed her as a child actress. Creepy.

Laura




Maaaaaaaaan, you know Stephon Ur-kel was hittin that right!! (wait, did he even hit it?) Anyways, thats neither here nor there. Shawty is a 10...and this is coming from Mr. "everybody thinks I only date Latinas"!! Fuck the conclusive evidence, I dont discriminate. I'd wax laura Winslow's booty like Mr. Miagi, then snap her with Urkel's suspenders and Carl Winslow's lubed up night stick. Remember? the dad? (No homo).

Now here comes the part where I make everyone who's mother isn't ugly feel bad.

Actually, the middle-aged housewife is situated in the worst case scenario in terms of the "families that can get it" spectrum. You are 36 years old and Hot. You had your daughter at 18 and your mom had you at 20. She is 54 (yea boiii, my math's improving.)What this means is that people can theoretically be jerking off to visions of you, your daughter and your milf mom simultaneously. Why do you think people like Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry wait until they're way into their thirties to have kids and attempt to bypass this scenario ever happening.


Just think...some guy's knuckle hairs are encrusted with stale semen he produced while salivating at your freshly ripe young daughter. Maybe I'm taking it too far. Maybe he got his juices flowing thinking of the condomless sex with your hot milfy menopausal mother. Owww Owwwwww. (Drops mic).


There are plenty of families that can get it...just hope yours isn't one...unless you're into that. And if you are....hit me up at #2035. LOL.

Stay tuned for the number one family.

Live, Love, Comedy for comedy's sake.

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