Friday, July 31, 2009

Don't knock it till you try it (Pt. 1): Tasting Skeet.


When I first came up with the idea for this series of posts, I wanted to make sure I didn't talk about things which were so esoteric that only a certain small segment of people would understand, like "Don't knock it till you tried it: Putting Icy Hot on your balls, eating ass or frying bologna." What I wanted to do was present something that all people, white and black, male and female, could relate to. I wanted to post about that shit that would make 50% of yall say "WTF! this dude is wild" and the other 50% say "Damn ni**a, I thought I was the only one that did that!!!" In trying to find that perfect but not yet universally acceptable act I decided upon the following...don't front like you never thought about it (or did it . LOL)


Don't Knock it till you tried it (Pt. 1): Tasting your own Skeet!


Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! I mean, What the Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I know those were the first words that come to mind, but hold on and let me explain...


PAUSE. NO HOMO INFINITY. (For the duration of the post.)


Love it or hate it, every man has been snowballed (aka kissed after skeeting in a girls mouth) at some point in his life. (sidenote: If you loved it, you may actually be a homosexual.) This being said, at least 50% of straight men have tasted their own white hot man chowder, be it diluted with hooker spit, girlfriend slob or a condomy latex mixture (ewww.)


This, contrary to popular belief is not gay. (Notice I did not say "it's not gay because", as that would imply that it is gay. ) The reason I can feel comfortable saying this is that anyone who was snowballed has just finished skeeting in a girls mouth, and undoubtedly liked it. If, however, you have tasted your own skeet out of condom or by licking your hand, you are a sick, sick individual and need help. You may also need a boyfriend you closet homosexual.

For those of you still following this logic (i.e. those who haven't already pegged me as gay), I know you may be curious as to how getting snowballed can be a good thing. Well, other than in cases where you get snowballed in a gangbang (which is Gay, Gay, Gay), stomaching (no homo) a few seconds of diluted skeet in exchange for a lifetime pass for free heady murphy doesn't seem like a bad deal. In the same way that chicks feel that a man wearing pink (not that Kanye shit, but a salmon oxford or something) is secure in his masculinity, they will feel that a man who will kiss them she sucked d**k, is secure in his own cleanliness. Also, the fact that you will kiss her afterwards makes the act seem less gross and therefore makes her more liable to do it. Church.


Now...Here comes the part where the Showrock Show puts you onto some game. Giving your girl a skeety little peck kiss will turn her on in the same way you get turned on by making her face look like spider man sprayed her.


Yep. Chicks like hot, sweaty, messy sex, and since they can't selective aim skeet at their body part of choice (unless she's a squirter), this is their version of skeeting all over you...just think of it the same way you think of kissing a chick with sticky lipgloss. It kinda sucks but you know you'll be glad you did it, as there is no (unpaid) sex without
kissing (unless, of course you have an official slutbag jumpoff.)



This being said, let me reiterate, giving your girl the marshmallow kiss is like hitting a lever that says "he put himself in a compromising situation, so now I'll do the same..." Out comes the freak in the sheets as the lady in the streets quickly disappears. Next thing you know she'll be dipping her hand in her pu**y like tostidos salsa, and licking the savory juices off like a 50 cent icee from Papi at the corner store. Don't believe me? try it.

I once even had a girl as bold as to ask me to bust on her chest and lick it off. That.....well, that I had to decline. Not because she wasn't fine, but more so on principal. We all know that when not mixed saliva skeet kinda looks like Elmers glue (or Elmer's Wood Glue if you have an STD. LOL) and that nobody...I mean Nobody, except retards, eat glue. LOL.





Live, Love, Posting things my friends say not to post



Show

Thursday, July 30, 2009

I love you But I Wish I Could Quit You (Pt. 1): BBW Skin Flicks

Have you ever had a guilty pleasure that you just couldn't give up no matter how hard you tried? Chocolate? Weed? White Women? Or all the above...LOL.

If you answered no to this question, you are undoubtedly a boldfaced liar and most likely also a Jay-Z lipped, Craig-Mack Faced hater. Keep it 100. Everyone has a vice. C4 likes "acting", and had it not been for the fact that he's my right hand man (no homo), I'd have called him straight up gay for that. Nevertheless, I am being very candid today in sharing one of my own vices with the general blogsphere. Viewership has not been at its highest lately and in thinking of how Mr. Keep it 100 could ensure that he was giving his fans exactly what they wanted, I came to the only logical conclusion...keep it more one hundred-er {sic}.


Yes, I admit that I've fought this urge for many years, denying the countless claims of my friends that "Showrock likes fat hoes." While I admit that in the beginning I did have a penchant for huge tits and curvaceous culos, I could safely say that my tastes were centered in the realm of girls as thick as a bowl of Quaker oatmeal...key word...'Thick'.

As the years passed I started liking even bigger bottoms and more humongous Tetas, to the point where yes, I watched a few BBW (Big Beautiful Women) films. Pretty soon my morning ritual of watching Onionbooty and Assparade clips turned into a secret craving for ChubbyLovin (shout outs to Jimmy Diamond)Fatcinema and BBWBomb.com. Yes, I was officially watching big girl porn, and liking it. As you can see, I am in desperate need of a C4 intervention as the potential for disaster is eminent and I have finally decided to man up and face my demons...

I love you But I Wish I Could Quit You (Pt. 1): BBW Skin Flicks

C4: I really wanna intervene kid, but I feel like I'd be doing a disservice to fat women all across America. If you like big, beautiful women than just embrace it my dude.


Show: You see, the problem is that I don't think I do. It's almost as if I like the attributes of Ass & Titties so much that I am almost willing to put up with flabby thighs, big stomachs and double chins. Stretchmarks and cellulite don't really bother me, but I'd much rather have over sized knockers on a smaller door frame, if you know what I'm saying...

C4: Ewwww. Ok, I see your point. Knowing you, you probably have a solution already mapped out in your head. Let's hear it...Sigh...


It's funny you should mention that you six-packless hater. LOL.

Check it out. Like everything in this world, watching BBW porn has its O.J. simpsons (get it? Pro's and Cons...Lol). This being said, how then, does one decide whether popping off knuckle children to scale breaking beauties is a detriment or aid to ones physical and mental well being. At first glace this seems like an easy question to answer...

Secretly skeeting away your carnal desires for fat women is extremely healthy. Not only will you build up stamina and last longer in bed, you will also be much more relaxed and therefore apt to deal with your hot (non-fat, but extremely annoying) dime piece girlfriends. Yea right...If only it were that simple.


In actuality, using lewd images of fat women as masturbatory aids will only lead to you subconsciously developing the notion that fat women = hot, curvaceous sluts. This, my friends, is extremely unhealthy! Newsflash, there are fat women who are ugly (see Mo'Nique. No I'm not hating...her swagger is at 110, but even if she weighed 110 lbs, she'd still be ugly.) Even worse than this, there are also fat women with no boobs or assess. (Someone must've pissed off God.) Insert obligatory humanitarian comment: Large women should be treated like PEOPLE (or walking ATM's) and not merely cushiony bubble wrap for protecting ass and titties. LOL.

Letting your subconscious make this association will not only cause you to unfairly pre-judge a large (no pun intended) segment of society, but also cause your drunken brain (primed to go after easy targets aka sluts) to miss out on all of the skinny and physically fit whore-bags out there. Yes, that's right...while you're out there popping skeet pellets and bukake balls into your little hungry hungry Hippo's mouth, someone is off poking more skinny hoes than a heroin syringe. True story...I mean, real talk. LOL.

In the end I guess this means that BBW porn will have to go the way of pregnant woman and Midget porn and slowly diddy bop its way off my harddrive. I've thought abut this long and hard, and while it's never easy saying goodbye, I must at least make a valiant effort.


Goodbye Syrianna and the Backside Babes, Goodbye Scarlett...




Goodbye Samantha 38G...

Goodbye Monica Erotica... Goodbye Elizabeth Rollins...& Goodbye Maria Moore...

Pinky, Sarah Jay, Olivia O'Lovely, Cherokee, Gianna and Maritza you gals can stay...but lay off the french fries and chicken nuggets.


Live, Love, Keeping it 100


Show

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Save your Relationship: Don't Ask Don't Tell

Aiyo, I can say that I am 100% sure ni**as and bi**hes alike are going to hate me for this post, but in the words of my boy Philadelphia Freeway, "they love it when I talk that sh*t!!!" Now I know a lot of your are even going as far as questioning the validity of relationship advice coming from someone like myself, and to you all I simply say "skkeeeeerrrrrrt (Jamie Foxx hand to the face)..Talk to the hand, cause the man don't understand. Yes, I F**king just brought it back to 1998.
Now that I have your undivided attention (like a strippers legs before she gets paid), I am going to tell you why you should listen to relationship advice from a self proclaimed misogynist and degenerate. If I am able to keep any Latina woman who READS THIS BLOG DAILY relatively happy (and by that I mean I haven't been stabbed yet), I must be doing something right...now, I do not expect you all to live as I do, but I do expect you to at least shut the f**k up and let me disseminate my advice. Hey, don't click that computer window shut...I'ma learn yall something (Green Mile voice.)

First off, it's OK to call women bi**ches just so long as its used as a universal term for ALL women (don't single people out), it is not done so maliciously or disrespectfully, and so long as no woman hears you. Secondly, relationships are like institutions. Yes, that's right...I have broken down interpersonal interaction, feelings of love, care and companionship to their barest elements, and have discovered that combined, they are just like anything else, an institution to be managed.

This being said, I ask you all to ponder the question of what is the longest standing institution with which we Americans are familiar? Is it marriage? F**k no, don't you see the divorce rates ni**a. Is it organized religion? Hell to the Nah...even before priests were getting jiggy with fresh little alter boys, protestants and Catholics were beefing....not to mention all the other foul stuff going on in the church. I'm just saying...



What then, might you ask, is Showrocka talking about...?

The Army. The Army (or military) is the longest standing institution, simply because it is about taking care of business and achieving an end result, adhering to a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy along the way. Church.


I now see eyes opening up as people are finally understanding the analogy. Regardless of whether your wifey is a head nurse (LMAO) or a drill Sargent, you must treat your relationship like an episode of M*A*S*H (do the young'ns even know what that is?)

In the end, loose lips sink ships. Tell your woman everything and your relationship is destined for failure. Here's why...

There are certain things which are just plain wrong in a relationship. I am not going to name these things because both women and men universally accept them as not permissible, fu**ed up and outright disrespectful. Other things, however fall into what we shall call grey areas. Grey areas represent those things which you know your woman may not approve of, but which you genuinely believe are OK to do. To fall in this category, an act or thing must be relatively safe, not interfere with your relationship, not involve the process of defrauding anyone and not house the possibility of bringing STDs back to wifey (sorry guys, safe sex still hasn't achieved grey area status and only multiple bottles of Grey Goose will allow you to convince yourself that head with a condom is a "Grey act.")
This being said, you're cheating anyway so you might as well skeet in her mouth. LOL.

At the risk of blowing up every male on earth's spot and compromising the don't ask don't tell policy, I will not offer specific examples of grey acts from my own experience. I will, however, make some up.

Fingering a stripper, getting a handjob while blackout drunk, meeting an Ex Gf for drinks, sharing a bed with another female (and not hooking up), getting numbers you don intend on calling from girls at the club. These are all relatively grey acts, and while MANY women may disagree, they cannot deny that no one will be harmed by them not knowing about the situation. As a matter of fact, if they found out, they'd be mad, so why tell them and risk having the badyear blimp fly over your house! You know as well as I do, women are like elephants...they don't forget sh*t and are illegal to hunt. LOL.

Now...Women. Don't think you gals are off the hook as you have your own grey areas. Going out with male friends, flirting with personal trainers, wearing sh*t to the club that's so tight it screams "I'm loose" (and single). Is that it? Wait..no. Going on vacations with girlfriends, letting herbed out guys buy you drinks and get you in V.I.P., texting your exes and setting up that "in the event of a break-up" booty call. Yall ain't sh*t. Just like us.
In the end, f**k yea we'd get mad if we found out about these things, but in reality, we really don't need to know about them (except the last one). We know who you come home to each night (hopefully) so there is essentially "no harm, no foul." Nothing "grey" is actually going to harm your relationship in the same way that hanging at a strip club is not going to make your man leave you, unless he's an absolute moron. Let's be honest, we are all human beings and human beings are going to engage in questionable behavior until the end of time. All we have to do is respect each other and mind our own fu*kin business!!!!

Stay out my phone and I'll stay outa yours. Keep throwin it at me like Mcnabb and ill keep Geico-ing that pu**y. Keep Washing the dishes and I'll keep cooking the food (or vice versa). Keep going to planned parenthood and I'll keep giving you the $250...KIDDING!!! Obama: "Showrocka, you stupid. I aint f*ckin with you...."


LOL. I know I talk reckless sometimes but this sh*t is the truth. Don't ask don't tell and your relationship will be good money. Just remember, It's harder to see your dirt in a grey area than on a white wall...and if your girl doesn't like that...FTB!!!!!

Live, Love, Viewing things however I want...Owwwwwwww


Show

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Six Pack Progress...Yea Right!

Aiyo. Check yesterday's post if you didn't catch it because it is essentially the reason that I'm on "Blog Probation." Yep. Apparently my friends didn't appreciate the post, as people who weren't even involved were getting screamed on by their girlfriends. LOL. Needless to say, those ni**as mutinied and changed my password. C4 has it, but it is up to him when I can post until I'm off probation. Fu**kers! Anyways, I'll be ad-libbing this post as C4 does his best to convince himself he doesn't have the chubby little body of Joell Ortiz. (Pause. No Homo). LOL. Good luck Loser. Hope you've got some African Bootlegger, Open Toed Jay-Z sandals to show off your new tattoo.
In case you couldn't tell, I'll be the guy commenting in Azul...that's blue for you non-bilinguals.
--Show



Six Pack Progress Week 1

A lot of cats out there been gulping down Haterade like they sucked it out of Sheyla's nipples since I told the world that in six weeks I'd go from the sexy futhamucka with a little extra to love (pause) who you saw last week, to one with the even more unfair advantage of a toned six-pack.






"I've seen your gut, you're getting the tattoo," they said. Well they can all eat a dick up til they hiccup and hurl, because at the end of the first week I already dropped 2.5lbs, ya dig?!
The nappyheaded stud ran 5.6 miles, biked 5.7 and ellipticaled another 2.6 in the past week for 13.9 miles of total cardio in the five days I did it.Ninjas don't know man, C4 don't f*** around ya understand, especially right after you tell him he can't do something.

Hahaha. No Homo. You F**king Wish C4. No Way in Hell. See Below for Show's Opinion on C4's Progress.

I know Show is reading this, crying, running around the Internet trying to find harder beats, cuz of course he picked out some buuuuulls*** thinking this was gonna be a walk in the park, cuz C4 wasn't gonna go hard. But NAW! I got more fire in me than a racist cop with gonorrhea chasing down a successful Jewish black guy who just boned his wife, ya dig?! (In C4's defense I did pick some bullsh*t beats at first thinkin I could just breeze through, but on second thought, I'm reconsidering. Michael Jackson's Man in the Mirror and Liberian Girl have been scrapped along with a few Chris Brown Beats. LOL. )


First week wasn't easy, family. Just yesterday I was in a deli staring at a box of chocolate-filled cookies with my mouth open and a longing look in my eyes. It was like the first time Show saw a Puerto Rican woman. But I quickly snapped out of it and ordered a tuna melt with spinach on whole wheat. It was my only meal with bread for the day. Other than brief epileptic daydreams of sweets and fried foods, the biggest week one obstacle I faced was over the weekend, as I attended my family reunion, reuniting with the southern side of the family. The one that makes grits, loves swine, and never even heard the name Atkins before. Not going back for seconds (particularly becase they know me) is like samurai dishonor to my family. I'm driving up to Albany on Friday, stressed like a literate slave, thinking, "What is I gon' do?"


The ghost of Billy Blanks (oh he's not dead? They take Michael Jackson away but this n***a get to live?!) intervened on my behalf to provide the hotel where we stayed with a tiny gym, and to make sure that there were no hot dogs or hamburgers left at the cookout when I got to the front of the line. Whew! Close one.So the kid is grindin' like a Jamaican stripper on Labor Day (no homo), staying in it to win it baby. The first week is officially over and I still think I can pull it off like hooker panties. And y'all out there in InternetLand are keeping me honest.
Keep hating too. I luuuuv dat, biiiiitch!

Once More 2 Ya Door, trying to f*** around and get a hard core,C4


P.S. I am C4 and I haven't included any progress pics because I am full of sh*t and haven't run no damn 10 miles. The nearest McDonald's is only .25 miles, and I take the bus! Hahaha. I like encouraging people to be healthy, but I'm starting to think I should've just bet C4 that I could outdo his exercise regimen while drinking no other fluid (no homo) than Guinness! Oh well, I've got a 1 day album to mentally prepare for. Paz.


Live, Love, Laughing at C4
Show

Monday, July 27, 2009

"Showrock you're Cool, But Your Friends Can Eat A D**K (Pt. 2)"

Before I begin to guide you all down a slippery slope of ignorance I just want to say that I am posting this at the request of my faithful following, not merely because I revel in being a di**head or like putting my friends on blast. Trust me, this is really just the tip (no homo) of the iceberg, in terms of the type of debauchery, nonsencial displays of fratboy-dom and hogwash tomfoolery that usually goes on in the frat house.



Luckily, for the reputation of the University of Pennsylvania and the sake of common decency, we (well, at least most of us) were only in school for four years, though it seemed like an eternity. Nevertheless, 1,460 days gives you plenty of time to be a complete and utter di**head, as evinced by the fact that even now during my post college, adult life, some bi**hes still won't speak to me on account of some sh*t that happened in college. Bumpy faced slore-bag haters. Grow up and get over it before I tell your new fiancee that you slobbed more knobs than a quadriplegic trying to open a door. I know, I know...oh so wrong, but an adequate description with powerful imagery to match.



This being said, I hope you enjoy the post as I try my best to chronicle the sexually exploitative, morally reprehensible behavior of many years past, with pinpoint accuracy and an attention to detail. That's right baby...Showrock and C4. Nightlife Gurus, Blog Superstars and above average pricks. Painting vivd pictures in tattoo ink & skeet (no homo) since 2001. Enjoy.

"Showrock you're Cool, But Your Friends Can Eat A D**K (Pt. 2)"

Why is it that my friends are so awful and terrible, might you ask? Let's start with this one...


5. Bait & Switch:

Some people feel bad for prostitutes as they have reached a point int their lives where the have become so desolate, that their only means of self sustenance is selling a piece of their body that they can never get back. Being used and abused by creeps and degenerates, treated like a used sperm receptacle and subhuman being as a means to simply put food on the table, heroin in their veins or diapers on their little one is something, which I'm sure we can all agree, most people would consider the bane of our existence and potential catalyst for suicide.


Luckily, for the sake of hilarity itself, we are not most people and don't really entertain these sorts of "sob stories." As I happen to know (personally, not Biblically...that shit is too expensive) a lot of strippers (aka whores) I can tell you that about 85% of them are just Fu**in lazy. I think I remember one saying that "sucking guys off is better than work because you get to set your base salary and, depending on how hard you work, you get to increase your own hourly wage." Needless to say, this was a pretty intelligent hooker. The purpose of this mini introduction, however, is not to solicit sympathy or hurl hatred towards strippers, but rather to set up the following story.

When a friend, who shall not be named, was young and reckless, he and two of his buddies used to frequently pick of hookers in cabs. Not always having the means to rent out a swanky (or skanky hotel room) dark alleys and abandoned buildings often substituted for semi-clean, semen covered motel spreads.To make matters worse, but funnier, sometimes they boys would pick up hookers from jersey, take a cab to a remote location in NYC just across the bridge. When haggling price the fellas would ask the girl to step outside so they could discuss in private...Next thing you know all she's seeing is cab dust and hearing screeching tires as the boys left her high and dry, standing in the middle of nowhere. LMAO. And to think, the only burned rubber shes used to seeing is those chlamydia catchers her Johns like to refer to as condoms. I love my friends, but you probably hate them.

4. Money, Money, Money, Money...Mo--Naaaaaayy

In speaking about hookers and "dancers" I cannot forget to mention my good friend 'Mr. X' who went through a phase in which he only, and i mean ONLY, dated strippers. This got so bad that he was picking up stripper-babies from the baby sitters and once got a call from the hospital because a stripper he was fooling around with's stripper friend had listed him as an emergency contact. LMAO! While some may think that moonlighting as captain save a Ho is a valiant thing, we all know it is not.

Who can take you seriously when they met you while discussing the possibility of head for 50 bucks? More importantly, my boy's whole perception on women changed as a result of this experience as his final (Pre-intervention) statement was "It's so bad now that I don't even feel right meeting a random girl from a bar and banging her. Its like I feel like I'm stealing. As soon as I pop off, I just have to leave money on the dresser to make her feel like a slutbag. Is that wrong?" Yes, brotha, its extremely wrong...(C4: but not as wrong as when showrock said "you have to admit theres something cool about being able to buy a piece of someones body, something they can never get back...like when Michael Jackson bought the Elephant Man's bones (no homo)." OK C4, you win this one. We are both horrible people.


3. I'd like that Comment stricken from record


Now I've heard some inappropriate comments, but none as bad as "I see your daughter blossoming into a fine young woman maam" and "hola mami, I'd love the chance to help your daughter start her quincianera off with a bang. Where's the party?"


Both were said to spanish women in Wal-mart and I hope to god they didn't speak English. The fact that no response was mad other than a confused face means that either they didn't understand, or they could not understand how someone could be so irresponsibly offensive in broad daylight to someone they'd never met. I'm hoping for the former.


2. Puff, Puff Pass


I am a firm believer of the mantra 'Nappyheadedbros before hoes.' More importantly, I believe in Man Codes (shouts to Rahz), Man laws and overall standards of fraternal decency. This being said, it is not OK to sleep with a frat brother or close friends girlfriend unless a.) its a threesome and he's involved (no homo), b.) you were sleep and she started sucking you off (at this point its too late and shes obviously a slore), or c. ) He is about to break up with her, she doesn't know it, and he says its OK.


For these reasons alone, I almost didn't laugh when I found out about this foul shit...key word, "almost." In finding out that a frat bro who was out of town, lent his room to another brother, I thought that this was pretty cool of him, allowing someone else a spot to crash after one of our wild parties. In finding out that the "guest " (who was a brother of the same chapter), got his boy's girlfriend drunk and pimped her to his out of town friends who all Chris Brown'ed her pu**y and Geico'ed her ass hole, my jaw dropped...literally (no homo). To this day brother #1 claims "it wasn't really his girlfriend" and brother # 2 has no comment about the aforementioned anal sex and gangbangs. Hahaha...I mean, LOL.


1. Payback's a bi*ch!!!

This one is a short but funny one. My boy who shall not be named had a roommate who everyone hated freshman year. Does he ask to be transferred? Does he have a verbal altercation or physical confrontation? No and No. This is the Ivy league son...we're waaaaaaay more clever than that. He decided that other than anal rape in Jail, there's no better way to prove a point and diminish someones man hood than by Skeeting (ejaculating) in his roommate's shampoo, milk and toothpaste. HAHA. F**king hilarious and gross.


I cant even imagine what his dental floss would've smelled like (no homo) or if he thought that he just had a lot of extra dandruff when it was actually flakes of dried up skeet in his hair! This however, is still not as bad as my boy Caveman's suggestion of putting Nair in the shampoo of a girl who did our friend wrong. Can you imagine? Thinning hair as a 23 year old female and not knowing the cause until the damage has been done? Hahaha. Ahhhhh college.


Well, there you have it...if there were ever a poster for "Assholes Anonymous," I'd have some nominees for the photo shoot. Hope you enjoyed and continue to enjoy the posts. Nappyheadedbros: champions of educated ignorance.



Live, Love, Friends (no homo)




Show R.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Sunday = Blog Sabbath


No I am not just being lazy people, as evinced by the fact that I'm still Twitter-ing (I refuse to say tweeting... It's gay), but this whole blog sabbath thing is something I've been planning for a while. I need time for taking care of technical blog stuff , website maintenence, de- hangovering myself and searching for delictible d cups.

Also, I cannot post what I really want today at the risk of ending an otherwise happy marriage... Man y'all know I get myself into some shit!!!!

Live, love, rest...

Show

P.S there was a nigga in the club last nite doing the thriller dance in Adidas flip flops. Smh.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Beth Chapman & Dred Hardy


Que the fu* k pasa gente?
I Just woke up from a night of drunken debauchery with my man Scoochie man lefleur (pause, no homo). In case I didn't mention it before ( so random freeloading niggas wouldn't show up), it was his girls bday and a small shindig was thrown. Chicken wings, titties and yak? You know your boy Show aka 'Dred Hardy' was in the building.


Now... For those of you about to infer anything based on the above picture I will keep it 100 and say, "no ni**as that's not his girl and I ain't about to clown him... At least not this time." This I say, as my boy has yet to convert to the other white meat and authenticate his palate via fine dining a la delectible swine. I, quite frankly, think he's missing out, as white women have bigger ti**ies. Nevertheless, I digress...

To make things funnier, in addition to the above pic ( which I don't remember taking) I found this directly afterwards.


If you do not see the inherant irony and hilarity of this "pair" of coincidences , you probably should be watching re- runs of Coolio's Rules instead of reading this blog.

Anyone who follows us on Twitter should find this even funnier as an entire covo between myself and Sammy (mylifesaflic) consisted of whether or not I could skeet over my " female friend who I refuse to call a girlfriend"'s head and land it on one of those plush porcelin pillows. No offense.

We also debated whether or not she returned with slob on her teta...I'm tellin you, you need to follow us on Twitter. We are funny guys ( no homo) in real life.

This being said (ha, I managed to get all my catch phrases in, in a short post), I am off to go see some real ( or silicone) breast-is-is-ists. It's too nice to be inside looking at assparade.com and I, for one, have an entire world in which to indulge, if only for the sake of chronicaling it tomorrow via my bastardization of the English language.


Live, Love, Margaritas (preferibly 4 at a time)...and with titties.

Show

- sent from my muthafuc*in iPhone

Friday, July 24, 2009

You Remind Me of My 1990 Honda Civic...

Hola people.
I try and try again but I cannot help but constantly center the blog around themes involving bi**hes...and women. This being said (copyright), I must tell you about the life changing revelation which has altered my whole perception of the female population. Whereas before I viewed women like drums, "due to their being "loud (and obnoxious), having banging bodies, and possessing the uncanny ability to make every man on the planet say "I wanna tap that", or "Damn I wish she'd let me beat it up" (the pu**y...not domestic violence), I now see the error of my ways. Women aren't like drums at all...you can't hit them with sticks, they don't sound good with guitars and there's no funny movie about them starring Nick Cannon.



WTF! All these years of theorizing (and fantasizing about making rhythmic cadences with the body of my English teacher) seem to have been in vain...unless....possibly woman could be something better than drums...


C4: "You mean like lifelong companions or homie-lover-friends?"

Showrock Obama: I was thinking more like Guitar hero, you know...a one wo-man band or something.



Needless to say, All my comparisons were beginning to fall far short of passing the Showrock reliability test and I was beginning to think that maybe I should just give it up and resign myself to a life of thinking of women merely as human beings. Just then, at that very moment, a female friend (yes ni**a, a FEMALE!), enlightened me by updating her facebook status. See below:


*smashin* anotha definion of sex. In my opinion not everyone should use this word. Not every man out there is actually puttin in work to the point where damage is being done. So, if your one of the many men that uses this word & doesn't live up to it, STOP before u get sued. That is what you call false advertisement.




Damn. I'm reading this like word Kat? I ain't smash? I ain't put it down like that ? Jk. The status was not only true, but also funny as hell. Reading this every dude out there is starting to question his own pipe game (no homo). I'm actually blogging and simultaneously texting the girl who wrote this just to make sure i wasn't wick-wick WHACK! Either way, f**k it. Still love ya Kat, and if you keep talkin sh*t I'll just have to monkey f**k your weave out sometime in life before you get married! KIDDING.

In all seriousness though, the four aforementioned sentences, did change my view of view of females for the better. Women aren't mere sex objects, eye candy or personal assistants...they're like cars! We need them, even though maintenance is a pain in the ass, and life without them would suck as much as catching a bus in a torrential downpour. Thanks Kat for helping me see the light.


Seeing as how women are like cars, it is important that you know how to treat them or you will end up on the side of the road stranded. Sure some cars look better than others, but it's ultimately up to you if you want that dependable old Honda, or the flashy 7 series Bimer which comes with an Lease you may not be able to afford.


Just like when dealing with women, TLC will keep your car from acting up, and while a key in the ignition is guaranteed to get her revved up, you can usually pop start her with a variety of cylindrical household objects. LOL.


Now...here's the interesting part, and the part which most applies to us men. Kat was right, bragging about your driving skills and then running off the road is as embarrassing as crippling yourself in a demolition derby. This being said, keep it 100. If you get into a fender bender with the pu**y, you do not have the right to say you smashed, as you merely caused a"dent".



This is similar to a woman claiming to have had a " bumper tap while listening to Snoop's Doggystyle album" when she really had a"rear end collision while eating a salad!!" LMAO. Keep it 100 ladies, none of yall like to admit you've been in a rear end collision and be labeled as a bad girl...I mean driver...but we know the deal. Every driver has a little Danica Patrick in her. Grrrr.







What happens when you total a car beyond repair or decide to drive drunk (or high on E-surance..lol), and have an accidental collision? That, my friends, is what insurance is for! If your "vehicle" is inoperable and has to be in the shop for a while, you, my dude, did some serious damage! You truly smashed!!You Geico-ed that pu**y...I mean, automobile.

This, of course is a good thing, only because a.) it was you who smashed your whip rather than someone else, and b.) you had protection (insurance) so no you shouldn't incur any unexpected medical bills at planned parenthood...did I just say that? I meant so you don't incur any unexpected medical bills at the doctors...I'm such a scatter-brain sometimes. LOL.


Love me or hate me I prove a damn good point.

Fellas: treat you're automobile well, wax it and keep it shining or you know what will happen...You might get carjacked. Suckaz.

Ladies: make sure you have adequate coverage and if he can't Geico that p***y, you better tell him to send his little lizard home and find a man that's a little more PROGRESSIVE.

Live, Love, Having a "Smashing Good Time."

Show

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Showrock you're cool...but your friends can eat a d**k (Pt. 1)

First off, we better get some comments on today's post because this sh*t even made me laugh (mainly because its all true and I remember each and every one of these instances vividly!) Secondly, follow us on Twitter (where we are much raunchier), and feel free to email us any links to other blogs you think are funny. We also review albums and sex tapes so if you're interested (SK I'm looking at you..no homo), holla.

And now...On to the meat (no homo) of the post (pause).

Me and my friends do some crazy, f**ked up shit. Funny thing is, we do these things on such a regular basis that to us it seems mundane, boring and run of the mill. Luckily for us, everyone doesn't live like this so we at least get the pleasure of feeling cool while recanting our often shameless and always hilarious acts. Certain acts, however, cross the line from just plain funny to outright rude, criminal or wrong. These top tier stories of seemingly despicable acts represent the best of the best displays of debauchery and frat boy-dom, and according to Showrock himself (3rd person reference)...these are the things that dreams are made of. LOL.




At the risk of people thinking I'm all about braggadocio, mysogony and self appreciation I am going to go this entire post without telling stories about myself. This will also help me earn some brownie points with all the ladies I've managed to seriously offend. Actually, these chickenheads will probably just hate me even more for allowing my friends to be bigger di*ks than me (no homo) without intervening. Ahh well, I don't care for those vagina monologues from hating A-cupped pizza faced heifers anyway....remember? I'm the Nappyheaded asshole (as some girl with a sucky blog once claimed).



Now, these things being said, the last time I gave you a list of reasons to hate Showrock, it was a response to a girl calling me a d**khead and telling me to eat a di*k. How rude! I mean I did put pics of her on the internet, but whatever....everyone needs to be exposed once in a while. It's healthy. This time, however, a girl who shall not be named said that I was an asshole because I hung with assholes (no anal). Anyone who reads my blog knows how I respond to accusations like this...with verifiying evidence which proves the point of the accuser! That's right, If you think I'm an ass because I hang with pricks, I will prove you right! My friends are Pricks (albeit funny ones), and here's why...


Showrock you're cool...but your friends can eat a d**k (Pt. 1):
5 reasons to Hate My Friends Even More (Take that Hoes!)



10. "Fight Night 2005"

During an extremely drunken night in a club (after which I ended up running a train on some girl) a friend, having not so good luck, ended up in a scuffle with a small petite female. Actually, the scuffle was started by her hideously fat friend, jealous of all the attention her attractive counterpart was receiving, who decided (on behalf of the whole group) that "THEY" were not interested. She then proceed to slap / scratch my freekishly big (no homo), football playing, short tempered friend, drawing blood. Next the attractive girl joined in yelling "can't you see I'm not interested creep!" Next thing you know my friend says something about f**king her up, to which I (not thinking at all) said "yea man, whatever." He proceeded to take a full swing at her face and somehow, I was miraculously able to catch his fist. I was so pissed I didn't talk to him for a few hours, but we nevertheless laughed the next morning after getting chased out the club by a mob of angry, drunken guys who were much bigger than us.


9. Hooking up a robbery


Once, while popping bottles and making it rain in V.I.P. (seriously, we were "those dudes" that night), we end up going home with two delicious looking milfs who said they were looking for some younger guys. After verifying that they weren't hookers (or at least that they weren't hookers unwilling to give freebees) we followed them to their hotel...I know... stupid and dangerous. Needless to say, the story ends with me waking up early and leaving, only to see my buddy 4 hours later, shoe-less and mad that I left him alone in a strange room. He was so mad, (or at least this was his excuse), that he decided to steal 400 from the girls purse on the way out! I had the girl's phone number and thought maybe we should give it back...yea right! We popped a bottle and made it rain in her honor. Add aggrevated robbery to the list of nonsencial crimes comitted in the name of debauchery. Shame on him.

8. Skeet-Skeet-Leave!

I hate to say this by 90% of girls you meet off the Internet are whores. E-harmony = Lonely Whores. Myspace= Young Whores. Twitter= Technologically savvy whores. Facebook= whores you went to school with. Kidding...but you get the point. This being said, I was not surprised when a random girl showed up at a strange residence at around 10 Pm to bang my boy. I was surprised when I heard a car pulling out at 4:00 Am. I will spare the details but say that it is never OK to send a girl home at that hour of the night extremely drunk. Especially after you just skeet-skeet-skeeted and slimed her on some super sloppy Double Dare sh*t. D**k. This story is really more cruel than funny, but I had to write it just to post this pic. LOL.



7. Piss poor punch and cigarette butts

In order to save us all from being labeled as misogynists, I will talk about f**ked up sh*t my boys have done to each other. Yes it's kinda f**ked up, but I keep it 100 and true is true. During pledge a crazy drunk brother thought'd itd be funny to piss in the pledges' punch. The only actually funny thing is that the pledges found out before the end of pledge and retaliated by sticking every one of his cigarettes up their ass, and under their balls and co*k before sticking them back in the pack. Guess this gives new definition to the term "smoking pole." No homo.



6. Giving the Ms to Ms. MS

This one crosses the line from funny and gross to actually degenerate activity (which is still funny and gross.) A friend of mine, while at a party, began hitting on an extremely skinny girl towards the end of the night. She was not attractive. It was not until she stood up, however, that we realized that in addition to being actually anorexic or bulimic, she had MS!!! Yes ni**a, Multiple Sclerosis! Not to be an extreme di**k but in an effort to describe the extent of her handicap I will only say she walked like she was hula hooping and simultaneously doing a ballet pose. Needless to say we got a call the next morning which made everyone laugh.



Degenerate friend: Aiyo

Frat Boys: You did not...?

Insert Silence

Degenerate friend: Maaaaaaaaaan, that sh*t was tight! All women need love. I gave her a MS (money Shot) and a fake number !

Frat Boys: You're going to hell and the devils gonna make you give him brain as punishment.
Insert more silence

Degenerate friend: Probably. F**k.


So there you have it. If you think I'm an ass than you can officially take solace in knowing that the age old adage "birds of a feather flock together" rings true. This I say because I KNOW my friends are jerks. What they say about me, however, is that I'm worse because I'm a jerk who thinks I actually am not. This is true, but sheeeeeeeit....we aren't talking about me right now.


Names and locations have been omitted to protect the not-so innocent. Stay tuned for part two if you weren't thoroughly offended, because it does get better! Also, don't forget we will be monitoring C4's Six Pack Progress (LOL. No homo) week by week. Sucker. Also, tell a friend to tell a friend about the blog as we are trying to get our numbers up and possibly secure a spot working with Hiphop Dx. Also, If you have big boobs send us a pic (no full nudity or faces please...make it sexy yet suitable for work) at Showrocka@gmail.com and we will give you a shirt. We love ti**ies.





Live, Love, The Life We Lead...


Show "me you ti**ies" Rock