Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Intelligent Atheist Theory

Seeing as how it is Sunday, the Lord's day(don't worry, I don't do Jesus jokes,) I find it quite appropriate to speak on something which I've been wanting to Blog about for a while...religion.

To those of you thinking 'who the F**k is Showrock to think he is qualified to speak on non-secular matters' I simply say, 'shut the f**k up. I took a few religious studies classes in college, one of which was entitled 'Black Jesus: The Life and Times of Tupac Shakur.' I swear to God that this is true, and that the class was not an elective. It was taught by Michael Eric Dyson (the dude always arguing with rappers about politics on BET) and was FOR CREDIT! So put that in your pontificating crack pipe and smoke it.


The Intelligent Atheist Theory

I want to start this off by saying I'm no Atheist, nor do I go to church (despite the fact that I should.) If anyone could use a little Jesus, Jah or Budah it would definitely be me, and as I grow older I believe my chances of making a return are increasing exponentially.


When I was Little, we had this picture in our house.


I prefer this one.

This being said, when I have kids, I am going to force them to go to church. Whether by hook, crook or good old fashioned African American Ass whoopin, those litte niglets and nigets will bring their black asses to church. I know a lot of you are wondering how a seemingly intelligent and tolerant person can make such a hypocritical statement, disallowing an element of choice in the religious decisions of my own progeny. Let me explain.

I want my kids to go to church...or synagogue, or kingdom hall, or the Mosque. I want them, however, to go for the right reasons. Before children reach the age of around 8 or 9, in my opinion, they do not have the ability to make this decision, as their avoidance of church stems around the more alluring desire to watch cartoons or play outside. I myself was forced to go to Church until I was about 12, an age I remember due to the death of Tupac Shakur and the release of the Air Jordan XII. What? Those were hood milestones, and plus I remember getting chastised for wearing the red and Black J's (Jordans) to church on Easter. After this fiasco, I never attended church regularly though I experimented with "teen night" at church with my older cousins whom I all but idolized (at the time.) As time passed, however, and I got older, I realized that I was beginning to question the very foundations of the belief system I was raised upon. Uh oh. This was to mark the beginning of myself, and society's children beginning a journey on the dangerous path of intelligent Atheism. The more educated you get, the more you begin to doubt the validity of the supernatural and or divine, opting for a more self-centered narcissistic self-made man approach. Insert Kardinal Official and Akon music, because this sh*t is dangerous...

Having just said that people should attend church (or any other religious institution) for the right reasons, it would be wrong to say that people should blindly follow false idols, historical precedent or papal directives without actually believing in what they are doing. In today's world of murders, rapes and Chickenheads, I can understand completely why one would want to escape this madness for hopes of a better afterlife. This is OK. If living this way will help to make someone a better man or woman, I am all for it, as you do truly believe in the power to which you worship. Yes, I am aware that religion is the opiate of the masses, and to that I say, get highhhhhhhh, go ahead and get f**Ked up. Cause it's Sunday, an you aint got sh* to do. LOL.

Taking religious studies classes and hanging around affluent assholes at a preparatory school, which actually had it's own chapel on campus, I opted to study rather than show pious worship, occasionally saying grace at the dinner table and praying in my room. No matter how far I strayed from the church though...I always stayed grounded. Even though Biblical references did not seem to jive with the wealth of information I was being fed about evolution, Darwinism and the big bang, I myself knew that their had to be something out there bigger than me. While I may have not agreed with the corrupt nature of many a religious institution (made more prevalent when my mother and I attended a myriad of 'Baptist' churches), or the supposed sexual misconduct of priests...yes F**king PRIESTS...I believed that these mere intermediaries could not interrupt ones own relationship with god, jevo, Jah the almighty.

As I got older, I learned that many others did not covet the sanctity of their own relationships as they were, as we say in the hood, 'feeling themselves too much.' Yes, my friends, their is a direct statistical correlation between formal education received and distance from formal religious institutions. Even to this day many of my Ivy League friends do not go to synagogue or Church. Is this a result of the intelligent man's rebellion against institutions they have sized up and determined to be corrupt, sacrilegious farces? Is this because success breeds contempt for anyone or thing which may claim credit for your success? These, my friends, are the true questions to ponder.

At the rate we are going, every college educated graduate or product of prep school may soon find themselves swimming (if they are white...) in the sea of atheism (or holding onto the side of the pool of atheism if they are Black). LOL. This is not to say that atheism is inherently a bad thing if done for the right reasons. What is bad, however, is that the corruptness of religious institutions are leading our youth to believe that they could facilitate daily worship better on their own. This, in essence, means that it is the church's own fault that children are turning away from GOD.

Children, don't get too excited just yet as yall little muthafu**as are not off the hook. Stop feeling yourselves. If you were smarter and more omnipotent than the almighty I'd hope you be intelligent enough to decipher the powerball Lotto numbers and collect your winnings on a Caribbean beach. Remember that books and academic knowledge have their place, but that in the end, they are sustained on the knowledge and lifeblood of mere mortal human beings, and in the words of the late great Notorious B.I.G..."Ni**as bleed just like us."


See you hoes in church.

Live, Love, La Fe


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No Homo: Origins, Usage & Dipset

I know it's late but damnit, I said I was gonna post every day, and I meant that sh*t. Just so you know, this Blogging sh*t is a 15 hour a week job...a job which, at the moment, I don't get paid for.


Enough whining though...on with the Show (no pun intended).


Sidenote: Please don't crucify me for saying this but Judge Sotomayor can kinda get it. OK, let the blog commence...

After being chastised last night by my boys for my 'Bromance' blog and usage of the term 'No-Homo,' I realized my own mantra of 'making no subject taboo' has stirred up a bit of controversy. Not surprising to me, the controversy was not surrounding my own sexuality, (as its blatantly obvious that my love for women runs deep as the Euphrates), but rather surrounding my intentions in using the phrase 'no homo.' While I myself assumed that everyone viewed this term and its usage as one big joke, apparently, some people think that homosexuality is no laughing matter...that's unfortunate. Homos.

This being said, I guess I have proven once again, that I am too intelligent for my own good...not to toot my own horn or anything (no homo.) LOL. Rather than continue my pontificating and urging that people become more tolerant about things, I'm going to give a clinic... and not the kind you go to for STDs... Cop a squat or pull up a chair...I'm gonna "learn you something boy[s]."




No Homo: Origins, usage and Dip Set

For those of you 'not in the know', the phrase 'No Homo' is not intended to be an offensive phrase but is rather a suffix which urban minorities and suburban wannabees chose to add to any phrase which may be considered homosexual or lesbianic (LOL.) For instance, a man saying something such as "I can see why women would want to date that guy," would have the perfect opportunity to append his comment with the phrase 'No-Homo'.


According to the latest newswire and barrage of white reporters, NFL locker rooms are being infected by the craze of "no-homo-dom." No sh*t. Over a half dozen men changing and showering together would definitely be a situation where you would expect such talk to occur. Am I wrong? Nevertheless, I highly and seriously doubt that anyone believes that without saying no-homo, people would think they are gay. This is interesting mainly because there have almost never been any prominent gay athletes or rappers, who coincidentally are the ones who originated and popularized the term. All in all, no one really gives a f**k because being gay (whether admitting to it, or having a Freudian slip) is so far from the realm of possibility in these circles, that its not even an after thought. 'No Homo' is more of an inside joke with your boys or girls, intended to mean 'yo son, don't clown me for saying that.' Take for example, someone saying 'Yo that Beyonce song was tough-no homo.' There is no correlation between listening to Beyonce and being gay, but...yo ass will get clowned for saying that you listen to Beyonce.


In an attempt to at least give a brief history of this term, 'No-Homo' in its current usage was Popularized by Cam'ron & Juelz Santana (of the group Dip Set / the Diplomats.) If you have proof it was invented earlier, I'd be happy to see it and recant. Fag.
According to Cam,while he and his Dipset cronies brought 'No Homo' into the rap world around the year 2000, Lil Wayne has now popularized the phrase to the point where even "infants know no-homo." The phrase itself, however, originated around 1991 in Harlem's Jefferson projects on 115th and 1st. See...I know my sh*t, Eastside stand up! That's that Ivy league research sh*t Boooooyyyye (Flav voice.) So now you know. The phrase was originated by dopeboys and gangsta, popularized by rappers and made applicable to the entire world. What I believe to be the funniest component of all this no-homo madness, is that the two main rappers responsible for spreading the epidemic like legs at a Drake concert, are perhaps two of the gayest dressing individuals in the discipline of hip-hop (kanye excluded because he may actually be gay and find the term offensive, and pharell excluded because he's just a wierdo.) While I may be wrong, (I have been a few times in my life), there is no way I am going to be convinced that either of these dudes thought that in the event someone might think they were gay, saying no homo would negate that. The uber-flamboyance of skinny jeans & lip piercings (wayne) or giant earrings & pink furs (cam), could never be eclipsed by any phrase. I could find a man screwing my wife and still assume he was gay if he was wearing some of the sh*t that these guys wear.

LMAO. Sorry Wayne.

Nevertheless, there is something to be said about men comfortable enough to don such ridiculously gay outfits and not permeate an air of faggotry. No homo is a giant, hilarious joke and I highly doubt that anyone is using it as a means to validate their manhood and or status by using it. No homo effectively makes one large communal joke at which we can all partake and enjoy, rather than the aforementioned joke being "on you." Cam'ron, you're one clever son of a b**ch.



Side note: I can't wait for lawyers to start using the term. I.e. Can I see your legal briefs, 'No Homo.' Or Judges...Will the defendant please rise, no homo. LOL


Live, Love, Dipset (no Homo). (This is an actual shirt by the way)


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Friday, May 29, 2009

26: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Before I get into the daily foolishness of the day, I want to take care of a few housekeeping issues. Now that I have fully expanded my Blogging capabilities (i.e. am able to send Blogs via text message or email) I will be posting daily without fail. I got a message from a friend the other day stating that the "Bromance" Blog was one of the finest that he'd ever read, and that he'd appreciate it if I informed him whenever I Blogged about something good. My response to him was that all my blogs are good, but as some of you may have noticed...Mondays' are great. Try never to miss a Monday.

Also, while i realize that straying from your core competency is often the cause of many a great downfall (see: Kanye West's lovesick Emo Album, Michael Jordan Playing Baseball or Jessica Simpson trying to sound intelligent), I would like to take this Blog in new directions. I've already tried giving out cooking recipes and am experimenting with exercise tips and album reviews, but am open to any suggestions (no homo). I'd also appreciate you people LEAVING A COMMENT so that I know what's working and what's not... That is all. Let the blogging commence.


26: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly



The Good

I am 26...not 27, not 25 1/2. What his means is that I am in the perfect position to live out all of my sexual desires at a time when, fortunately, my own sex drive is starting to decline. What I mean to say by this, is that at 26 your sexual and non-sexual lives have achieved a sort of balance. Sure you want to f**k migets, Milfs, Pregos and cougars, but you won't skip work to do so. You have bills and responsibilities. :) Remember, however, that there is no other time in life, other than now, (ages 24-28), where it is OK to sleep with a girl between the ages of 18 and 46 without being labeled a pervert. Any older and teenage co-eds will think you're creepy. Any younger and cougars will not take you seriously.


The Bad

Despite this whirlwind of sexual possibilities surrounding your mind, body and soul, you begin to sadly realize that you can't do the same sexual things you used to do in college. Be this a result of your sexual tastes becoming too twisted from watching too much Internet porn, or simply mother nature being a B**ch and hating on your labia craving libido, the end result is still the same. Take for instance the idea of the over-under club. For those of you not in 'The know', becoming a member of the over-under club entails sleeping with someone half your age and twice your age before you die (side note: No one under aged 36 should have their under unless you were 2 years old and they were 1). The key is to get your over as soon as possible. At 26, this would make her 52. This is still easily do-able, but gets exponentially harder each year. Look on the bright side though...you're almost able to pull an under. For those of you saying "I already have," I'm calling Chris Hanson From Dateline NBC (To Catch a Predator) and the police. Moral of the story, hurry up and get your over...and when it comes to you under, unless you're 35+, keep your genes in your jeans.


The Ugly


The really ugly, nasty problem about being 26 is that you are basically still a college kid being ushered into the adult world full of horny married women and men with college (and high school) aged daughters. While hollering at middle aged cougars is completely acceptable, don't let them pass you around like a 2 dollar office whore and or girl-cum soaked magic bullet. Sleeping with married women, however, is not cool...unless they definitively know their husband is cheating and the two don't sleep together anyway. Even in this case, don't do it in his house (this is rude...he pays the bills), and definitely do not drink his beer out the fridge. You may get yourself killed. Even worse than this sticky (no homo) situation, is the dreaded "look at our family vacation pictures" convo where a middle aged co-worker or colleague thinks its a good idea to show you pics of his 19 year old daughter in a 2 piece bathing suit. While your initial response would be "yea I'd hit that", "do fries come with that shake" or "damn she's thicker than a swamp possum" in any other situation, IT IS NOT OK at work.




Also unacceptable, looking at prom pictures and thinking its OK to comment on the other girls just so long as its not the colleague's daughter. Cr-eepy. You f***ing pervert. Acceptable response include "Wow, I remember my Prom (no details)", "She's a senior already (not 'my how she's grown)", or "so where'd they host the Prom?" Then quickly change the subject.



Well, there you have it. The good, the bad and the ugly of age 26.


While this comedic outline has served the purpose of letting the young'ns know that adult life is not all good, it also shows that if navigated correctly, sailing through the sea of age 26 can be quite fun. Just don't miss the boat, and if you decide to get wet...always use a jib sheet.


Side note: Being 26 means that not only do you have the ability and means to partake in all the hedonistic craziness available, but that you're also still crazy enough to do it. This being said, ladies, no matter how much you love your man, don't marry him until he's at least 27.


Live, Love, Twenty-somethings


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Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Date is Really Just a Short Term Lease

In having a conversation with a significant other, I quickly learned one thing. For as intelligent as they MAY seem, women are complete idiots when it comes to knowing anything about men in general. No offense. Please do not get it confused, I am not saying "no one knows a man like his boys", because that would be a little too gay for even my tastes (wow. no homo.) What I mean to say by this, is that women and men view the world differently and can often have completely opposite views on the same thing. Take for instance, the idea of a so-called 'Date.' When I asked a few women, (mainly for comedic value), what they immediately thought of upon hearing the word date, the most common response was " a trip out of the house for a few hours where you try to get to know someone better and possibly hook up in the future." Cute. Ask me what a date is and I will respond with the God honest truth... "A date is a 2-5 hour lease with negotiable terms, whereby assets, in the form of cash or credit are transferred directly or indirectly into the name of the aforementioned female." Don't hate ladies. I'll explain.


The age old concepts of chivalry and courtship are, like the original U.S.Constitution, a bit antiquated. Just to put this into context, the idea of a man doing nearly anything to gain the affection of a woman and possibly gain the key to her chastity belt many years later, was formed at a time where men were also swinging at each other with swords and fighting fire-breathing dragons and sh*t. Hell yea I'd rather open the door for a lady than go off and defend the kings castle and coat of arms...Especially if in the end I might get to see a little leg. Sheeiiiiit. With no Internet porn, what else was there to do? A man can only joust but so much.

Nowadays, It is still OK to 'court' a lady,(and I use that term loosely), but the sense of necessity or urgency is lost. Chastity belts have turned into easy access Victoria's Secret Thongs, and for every woman not willing to show you hers, there are a million whores on myspace who will.




This being said, the concept of dating makes complete sense. Why commit to a mortgage when you can try a short term lease. Just remember, the middle ages and Renaissance are over, and in contemporary times, Court-ship without coitus interruptus breads nothing but endless Court- shit.

For those of you (women, or effeminate men) who still doubt the validity of my claim, I provide you with a few brief cliff notes to substantiate the aforementioned theory:


A Date is Nothing More Than A Short Term Lease Because...

5. Whether picked up by the lessee, or transported by the lessor, the simple fact is, there are goods to be delivered.

Pick her up or let her drive herself, who gives a sh*t as long as shes not damaged. See...I'm not a misogynistic chauvinist, I care about her 'safety'. LOL

4. Although women hate to be referred to as merchandise, or even worse, 'rental property', they are undeniably what we will refer to as 'the goods.'

For every woman who has ever mentioned the power of the p***y, you have unintentionally referenced the said commodity, its brand equity and marketability. Variations of this include speaking of ones "goodies," saying you have that "good-good" or wearing skimpy outfits that make a ni**a say "Good Lawd!"

3. While not as formal as a lease, a date is an implied contract.

If you do not like the terms of the contract, you are always free to walk out during the trial period or date. Once you are locked in (or order appetizers), however, you are forced to pay early termination fees, and or face criminal prosecution.

2.Lessors and Lessees both have certain rights upheld by the law.

Though you may be renting 'her' (God that sounds awful), you do not own her (unless shes a mail order bride, in which case you are sick) and cannot simply do whatever you want to her. More specifically, you cannot knock down her walls (unless permitted to), or (in the case of an automobile lease) experiment with rims (or rim jobs). In both cases, should you choose to enter these agreements without this 99.7% effective protection...you might get burned. LOL

1. Lessors pay a fee for access to the leased items.

Whether paying for dinner, a cab ride or drinks, a man is paying to be with (or inside of) you...I mean... to be inside the apartment or car...Show me a man who arrives at a date without a credit card or dime in his wallet and I will rescind my statement. Even in cases where daters go 'dutch,' each splitting the bill in two, not offering to pay or at least leave the waitress a Trojan Magnum sized tip, (no homo), usually voids the implied terms of the lease. See if you get a second date sucker.

I know that a lot of women are against this idea completely and feel as though it is sexist and not-funny. Boo-hoo-hoo, men think we are prostitutes or property. Shaaaadup. Men have been leasing women for ages in the same way that women, admittedly or not, use 'boyfriends' on a rent to own basis (effectively incorporating them into their lives and transitioning them into adequate husbands.) Oooooooh, in yo face! So stop your bi**hing. I may be a d**k, but I know how the way of the world works. Women don't be mad at how we chose to describe the inter-sexual game of 'Cat (literally) and Mouse' that we play. In the end a lease is only as good as the individuals who enter into it (was it good for you too?), and in the end, you hold the key to your own destinies, for it is you, my beautiful goddesses of the earth (and morally lose Chickenheads), whom dictate the terms of the lease. Owwwwwww.

Live, Love, A-Lease-ya Keys


--Show

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How to Date a Man (No Homo): Rules for a successful Bromance. LMAO.

Bro-mance. I'm sure you've heard the term before, and with recent buddy flicks like "I love you man" making the idea of male on male friendships seem less gay, I'm sure you will hear it again...and again...and again. I myself am quite comfortable with the idea of having bonds with my closest friends, many of them fraternity members, who I view as my own brothers. None of us actually have brothers,(we actually all have sisters) so maybe this is the reason why our fraternal closeness doesn't seem homosexual (to us at least.) LOL. I mean, think about it...you would never consider sharing a bed with your brother as gay. A bath yes, but not a bed (if you're sleeping head to toe, of course). Despite our lack of DNA linkage, our shared struggles, histories and prostitutes (LOL) make us closer than anyone could actually imagine...so we, consequently, are given carte blanche to do gayer sh*t than you without it seeming gay.




Maybe it's my own twisted, sick sense of humor which makes anything beyond the realm of my own comprehension extremely funny. Homosexuality, for example, is something which I cannot truly relate to, but instances of which I find completely and utterly hilarious. No offense. The scene from My Best Friends Girl (If you haven't seen it, you must) where Dane Cook is drunk at the urinal and tells the other dude he's going to eat his c**k? HIL-F**king-Larious. The youporn blooper where one of the guys in a threesome accidentally misses the girl and pops his load is his homeboy's face? So f**king funny I almost pissed myself. LOL.(side note: this would not have been funny if I knew either of the individuals.) This being said, I think its the ability to comfortably be yourself which makes a Bro-mance work. See, I'm giving guys advice on their relationships with guys. LMAO. Think I give a sh*t if you think it's gay? You're reading right? And most likely laughing.


I've noticed some of you have stopped reading...Get back here and listen to my man-gina monologue on non-sexual homeboy love. Homies over hoes (Boondocks reference) LOL. That was actually a joke...I don't want to push the envelope too much while writing an entire blog which should be prefaced with the phrase "No Homo." By the way, it is OK for me to constantly use this phrase because a gay friend of mine said it was OK. I brief him on black culture and he gives me dome. Just Kidding...he lets me know about the gay culture and community...I just ask him to spare the details.

Now that I have successfully crossed the line and made a gay joke about myself, I want to make one thing clear. I'm not gay, but if I was....LOL. JK. Again, I must reiterate that I find this crude sort of sexually ambivalent humor hilarious...like nick cannon...(Dave Chapelle reference.)

Anyone who is offended by sheer nonsense, overgrown Frat Boy Bonding or the phrase "no Homo" should a.) never have read this Blog, or b.) Stop reading now. As I, the almighty Show, present to you....


How to Date a Man (No Homo): Rules for a successful Bromance. LMAO.

5. It is OK to take calls from your Bro at any time.

This includes taking a call from your Bro even while making love to your significant other, and is the reason that Girlfriends usually begin to despise your fraternal Bro-mance.

You probably shouldn't be taking calls from men at all, however, if they are not your Bros. Meeting dudes on the Internet? A definite no-no. If you have done that, maybe you should go cuddle up with your DL man-boo and watch Oprah. Homo. LOL.

4. It is OK to shave each others heads (no homo) or backs.

No other body parts are permitted. Extra 'no-homo points' are to be earned if you shave something funny into the hair.

Braiding other dudes hair? Not permitted...NOT EVEN IN JAIL.

3. It is OK to share women, but never OK to date your Bros' Ex love interest.

Women can never come between a solidified, apoxy-tight man-bond, unless they are being paid for just that purpose, thereby making it an apoxy-tight (yea right) Man-Woman-Man bond.

2. It is OK to have ACCIDENTALLY seen each other naked.

It is not OK to use the words 'yummy' or attractive. Fat or ripped are permissible descriptive terms, but staring is not only considered, but actually is, gay.

1. Its OK to share a Bed.

It is not OK to cuddle, pop wood (get a boner) and or spoon. LMAO. A Bro and myself both shared the bed while drunk and simultaneously peed the bed. As we were not touching, it was permissible. Gross, but permissible. Also, it made for a funny story.


The above list is abridged and should only be considered a guide. Truly learning to navigate the waters of Bro-mance is a skill which can only be achieved via everyday interaction and a peanut gallery of onlookers telling you when you've crossed the line from comedic nonsense into the realm of actual gay, Kanyewesdom. For any of those of you who doubt the methods to my madness and think I'm actually gay, I say to you..."word son, I'll show you how gay I am!!' LOL. Sorry, I had to say that. I heard a dude on the radio use that as a response to a DJ questioning his sexuality. Not a good look. He should've read this blog and learned the rules of non-gay man dating. LOL.


Live, Love, Pushing (not licking) the Envelope

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Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Case of the Talking Pocono Corpse

Well...I don't know how I managed to do it, but I survived another debauchery filled episode of the Showrock Show and have lived to tell the tale. As we speak, I am severely sleep deprived, having arrived back in CT at about 2:30 am. Yes, leaving PA at 11:30 pm may have not been the brightest idea, but it sure was smarter than dusting a half of a 30 pack at 11:30 am and passing out. Nevertheless, I digress...(I love that phrase.)

Having left the pristine white man's paradise which is the Poconos and slowly transitioned back to the world of blaring police sirens and Puertorican hairspray, (God, I love New Haven), I am left feeling as though I may have done serious, irreparable damage to my own body but somehow managed to make myself a better person. LOL. Seriously. Free from the allure of the sirens songs, (not police sirens..like some Odysseus type sh*t...), sang by the heavily perfumed (and accented) Latina spitfires of the moment, I was able to reflect...a lot.


Have you ever wondered what the four walls surrounding you would say if they could talk? I haven't. I would punch all four of these walls in their f***ing face and tell them to keep quiet. Loose lips sink ships assholes. What if, however...our bodies could physically speak to us and let us know what they are thinking at any given time? I swear that this happened to me either in a dream, or via some super telekinesis type sh*t that I can do and you can't.

LOL. My body's inner loudmouth is definitely a wise-ass who thinks he's funny. I wonder where he gets that from? LMAO. Either way, I decided to write down his thoughts just so people can see what type of sh*t I have to put up with. Next time, however, I'm gonna go tell him to go f**k himself (no homo)...This is my blog. Not his.


Liver:

Dear Showrocka. F**k you. We are not 21 anymore and thus should not be playing beer pong at all, let alone all f***ing day. While I do appreciate you not being "too black" and drinking malt liquor and Hennessey all day, this perpetual downing of domestic piss water has to stop. What? I'm no racist...I'm just saying...Do you know how long it takes me to process all of these toxins? Do you think that because your chilled animal piss water 'tastes as cold as the rockies' it is somehow akin to glacial mineral water? If you do, I seriously doubt the validity of that Ivy league degree. When'd they start letting negros into Penn anyway? Oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that. I meant African-Americans.

Lungs:
They still let people smoke in Bars down in PA? This is complete and utter nonsense. I could see if maybe people were smoking expensive cigars, or O.G. Kush, but American Spirits? Really? I guess something has to overpower the smell of cheap hooker perfume...I'm sorry...I meant to say cheap stripper perfume. This olfactory overload is a little too much for me kid. what do you think about that Mr. Nose (note to blog readers: I am aware that I'm losing my mind.)


Mr. Nose:
It sucks that your lungs are going to be all clogged up without you even getting the chance to enjoy all of the perils of smoking (i.e emphysema, yellow teeth and a whooping cough). Either way, I still think you have a better deal than me. I'm pretty sure I've never smelled anything like this 'place' we've wandered into. The scent of stale beer and the slight odor of a not so fresh meat market are tolerable, but when that one 'over' (reference to a woman over twice your age but usually still 'do-able) decided to light her body and feminine parts on fire before deep-throating a flaming (no homo) wand? That is something no man should have to smell, but which every man should see.


Eyes:
Sounds like you guys got the short end of the stick this time. It's cool though, I'm usually the one forced to look at over sized big shirley thongs and such. This time, however, I got a view of the wilderness, a fiery strip show and even a few red bulls to help keep us focus. Kudos Showrock. Just so you know that we appreciate you gracing us with incredible views of untamed wilderness (minus the 10 or so dead deer scattered across every inch of the highway), we wanted you to know that we've done something nice for you as well. You know that quasi X-ray vision that allowed you to spot every Herpes bump on 4/9 of the strippers' lips? Yea that was us.


Lips:

We barely kiss regular girls and wouldn't have gone near any of those skanks, but the gesture was much appreciated guys. Strippers rock, but lets not forget that they suc*k co*k and dance for a living.


Live carefree, but not careless...This, my friends, is something that we all (Racist liver included) can agree on.


Live, Love Intra-bodyDiscourse

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Friday, May 22, 2009

The Tiger Treaty

My dad was the MVP of the father-son softball game my senior year of high school, which shocked me more than anyone else out there, being as though my father and I had previously NEVER interacted in this sport. Conversely I grounded out twice. When I asked him how he got so good he just said, "we used to just play baseball all the time when I was a kid. AHA! I only played baseball when I went to a predominantly white summer camp (coincidentally where I also went to high school). I never lost to Dad on the court though once I was tall enough that it was fair. He can't ball for nothing. Why? Because these are the rules of our respective generations. Let's look at how this came to be, shall we?


Sssshhhh! I'm the last one. The rest of you can only play in COLLEGE!

Sorry, Jr. No black kids playing baseball up there.


Remember back when white people played basketball? Remember when black people played baseball? It wasn't that long ago. Now, however, you'll be hard pressed to find white NBA superstars and even harder pressed to find black MLB superstars. You're more likely to find a white girl with a platinum grill than you are to see the next Larry Bird or Ken Griffey, Jr.



So what happened? The government stepped in. After some covert CIA research the bros and I have found some documents from the year 1996 titled The Tiger Treaty. For you see ladies and gents, the man who forced the government to demand that this treaty of sports segregation in America was in fact Tiger Woods. 1996 was the year Tiger started playing golf professionally, and it was no secret he was about to tear it up like none other. This of course upset the balance of the sports universe to the point that the CIA sat down and devised these rules:

1. After Tiger Woods, there will be no other black golfers. In fact, Tiger Woods won't even call himself black. He shall be, um, CaBalAsian. Yeah. People will buy that, right?



2. To further avoid any racial confusion, no more American black people will play baseball. Ken Griffey must with 5 years abandon all the things that have made him great, Frank Thomas must fall the f*** off, and that asshole Barry Bonds must ultimately end his career in shame. If an American is part black and plays baseball, he must be of Latin descent.

"Mira ese moreno aqui!"

Case in point: It's really easy to find black people playing baseball, all over the Major Leagues. But how many of them don't speak Spanish?! Name five elite MLB non-Latino brown people. YOU CAN'T!!! While typing that last sentence I posed that question to a friend passing by who is a baseball fanatic, and he came up with Ryan Howard really quickly. Then he had to pause, take a deep breath, get a glass of water, and came back with Prince Fielder, Derek Jeter (KINDA), and Andruw Jones (who is DUTCH!). And this dude BREATHES baseball!

3. No more American white athletes will seriously play basketball professionally. (Luckily for Steve Nash he's Canadian so he found the loophole). They may excel in college, but if they go to the NBA they must report directly to the end of the bench, unless they so happen to be a small forward with good jumpshot (Mike Miller, Wally Sczerbiak, Luke Walton). All other white basketball players must be from Europe (Dirk Nowitski, Andrei Kirilenko, Pau Gasol, etc.) or South America (Manu Ginobili, Luis Scola).

White basketball players are kicking ass too. For the 5 of you out there who stayed up til 4am watching the final of the Olympics, the all-black LOADED "Redeem Team" had their hands full down to the final minutes playing against a bunch of pasty Spanish guys who all speak with lisps, and they were going all out the whole time. Not one white person played for Team USA. In 1992 the Dream Team had four, three of whom are Hall of Famers (Larry Bird, John Stockton, Chris Mullin, and bum ass Christian Laettner).

(Quick sidenote: You know who was definitely watching that game rooting for the Americans and hating the Spaniards with every fiber of their being? ASIANS. Cuz the Spaniards are racist assholes who think they can go all the wa to China and make fun of Asians. You know at the end of the game there were Asians all around the world shouting at Pau Gasol in various languages, "EAT A DICK! EAT A DICK!")

Then we're gonna play at the Rucker, in blackface!



1, 2, 3, 4! We don't play b-ball no more!
4. Cold Ass War Stipulation: The Williams sisters can stay, only so Serena's thickness can compete with the popularity of Anna Kournikova


The face shows Russian superiority in smoothness, but dat ass can't compete with apple-pie-inspired American thickness! Just like the real Cold War.


5. Hockey will remain a white man's game. A couple black guys will play well, but no one will pay attention. How many of you know who Jerome Iginla is? STOP LYING!

So there you have it folks. The conspiracy is uncovered.

Once More,

To Ya Door,

C4


Mr. Mulato 4 (Ho)

Good morning...or aheem..early afternoon people. Yes, I'm aware that my daily post was a bit tardy yesterday, but I live by the phrase 'better late than never.' Actually, that's a lie. I prefer to be puntual for everything and think lateness should be punishible by a swift kick in the arse with a steel toed white power boot. This being said....It's not my fault!! C4 was supposed to post but went MIA, meaning he must have some "acting" sh*t to do (i.e galavanting around in a leopard thong or something. Lmao). I appologize for spending my nightly blogging time recording an English Rock song about Porn. True story, there are witnesses. Nevertheless...I digress...


As with most situations, I have used this misunderstanding between C4 and I as more fuel for my comedic fire. As C4's (and anyone else's) penchant for theatre, (excluding cinematic theatrical Hood sh*t like the Wire), is indubitibly quite 'white', I figured this would be a perfect time to bring out everyone's favorite half breed...Mr. Mulatto. Bi**hes.


Oh yes. White folks don't think I forgot about you because of wednesdays post...I go HO-ARD (aka "hard" with a South Central LA accent.) This is not to say that some things should not be left solely to the discretion of a single race (i.e Blacks wearing dreadlocks or non-Black people rocking bleached blonde hair), but rather that certain things are just toogood to be monopolized by any single race or culture. Like pu***y. LMAO. I, therefore, without further interuption present you with yet another top five list in the tradition of all raped slaves and mulatto descendents. Enjoy.


Mr. Mulatos List of Black Things White People Should Try




5. Layaway


While I'm convinced white people love saving money as much as the rest of us, they have a funny way of showing it. Sure they don't waste their surplus income on N***a-ish nonsense like gold chains and Jordans, but they simply insist on paying for everything up front. Case in point, you've never seen a black or hispanic pay for 6 months of car insurance all at once! Also, unlike their melanin toned counterparts, white people charge everything AND PAY OFF THE ENTIRE BILL!






For those of you unfamiliar whit Layaway, this is the basic premise:






This being duly noted, I think that it is a remarkable concept of which everyone should partake. As my 2+ years of MBA-ing have taught me, the present value of money is nearly always greater than its future value (adjusting for the possibility of interest to be earned.) That being said, I want to give an earnest thank you to the black person (or white guy exploiting the pitfalls of African-American-ness) who created Layaway. Buy now pay later! You can use the extra money to invest in Mutual funds...or Jordans. LMAO.










4. Frank's Red Hot & Lowry's







Simple fact. White people do not season their food enough as evinced by their lower cholesterol levels and the disporportionately low number of individuals with diabeties and hypertension. I am not saying that these end results are a bad thing, but bland food definately is...just ask the English. Luckily for you culinary challenged folk, with the exception of sweet booty Ray (Rachel) and that funny haired Guy from the Friday's commercials, there is an easy, quick fix solution to your bastardized kitchen concoctions. Bring us your tired, your weak and unseasoned as we bestow upon thee the promise of a better, more flavorful tomarrow. Lowry's + Frank's creates a sort of synergy unseen since those rag tag bunch of homo kids put their rings together to wake up Captain Planet (don't front like u didnt watch the show.) Side note: Tabasco and hot sauce ARE NOT THE SAME THING. They are also, not interchangable. While the former merely adds heat, the latter produces an unparalled sensory explosion in your mouth (no homo). Kaaapow!! Lowry's & Frank's...the condiments with swagger. LMAO.





3. The Electric Slide (boogie woogie woogie)

Get it big girl, get it big girl get it! Now let me hear you say Hooooo!! Hoooooo!!


Oh, I'm sorry. I got caught up in the moment. What I meant to say was look at the way this overweight yet ellegant hat donning diva manages to gracefully manuever her humungous head across that floor doing none other than...yep, you guessed it...the Electric Slide (Boogie Woogie Woogie . LOL). With its steps being no more than a simplified (yet more rhymic) version of line dancing it's surprising more white people haven't hopped onto this dance. I mean sheeeeit...yall had the Solja Boy dance down before we even saw it on BET. As you can see from the photo, some white people timidly hop on and ride that electric current, but why does it have to always be the large black woman leading the dance? Your people (wow, it sounds wierd to say that) have mastered Tap, Jazz, and all but copyrighted Ballet...why not steal another cultural phenomenon and claim it as your own? Jim Jones stole the Rain dance from the native Americans and renamed it the "make it rain dance" aka We Fly High, so why the f**k shouldn't you add that element of caucasian swagger the dance has been missing. Black people will appluad your ability to master the dance, commenting on it the same way white people tend to comment on well spoken Black's saying 'he sure is articulate' (that's annoying by the way.) In the end, it's really just music...and if we can't line dance together, how do you expect us to make beautiful mulatto music (and babies) together.


2. The "Hook-Up"

I'm sure a lot of you are saying what the f**k is a hook up? A hook up (sorry white people) is not when you have a semi-sexual encounter with a women, but rather when you get anything at a good price (or for free) as a result of knowing someone. You can get in clubs for free, get merchandise that "fell off the truck" or merely end up with free cable. A Hook up is a hook up. LOL. This being said, you should try it. There's nothing like 8 pieces of chicken for the price of 4. Owwwww.



1. Disciplining your Children


FWI: White People. This does not work.


This does.

And if you get bored. Turn on some music and repeat step #2. Whip Ass Cha-cha-cha.


LOL.


That is all.

Live, Love, Laugh B***hes
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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mr. Mulatto's List (Pt. 3)

After posting yesterday's rant about not buying women drinks I was not only accused of being misogynistic, but also accused of re-using material. I do not apologize for the former, however, to those of you who have been in close proximity to me and have heard my one sided opinions on various subjects, I offer my sincerest 'my bad'. If, however, you think my apology was not sincere enough...go kick rocks with Chinese slippers on. Beyyyyatch.

Now that all niceties have been Ron Browz'ed, (aka thrown out the window), I am turning this Blog over to my alter ego(yes,I know I'm F**king weird)and good friend...Mr. Mulatto.

Today's post is for the soul brothas and sistas out there who could use a little more cream in their coffee, if you know what I'm sayin'. With Stars like Lil' Weezy and KanGaye West pushing the envelope and bending genres,(and genders),further each day, it is to no surprise that people are becoming more and more tolerant of each others cultures. In the same way that interesting shows are found merely by channel surfing, it is only by going out on a limb and trying new things that one can truly experience life. Trust me n***a, I've sky dived, sailed a boat through the Greek Isles and been cuffed for a DWB (driving while black). I am a bonafied cultural Liaison. This being said, It is only right that I disseminate my knowledge of other cultures upon your unsuspecting ears and hope that you soak it up...like a diaphragm. LOL.

And Now, without further adu...

Mr. Mulatto's List of White things Black People
Should Try (Part 3)

5. Music other than Rap (and R & B.)


Before saying anything I would like to preempt the haters and state that yes, black people listen to Jazz as well, but not until they are in their early to mid thirties. I'm talking about right now ni**a, not 5-10 years from now. Now that this is out of the way, I will explain to you how I came to this revelation. My senior year in college, one of my dearest and hottest friends Sonalie (no not Somali like the Pirates) asked me what the greatest hip hop songs of the last 30 years were. I made her a list and in return received a list of rock songs that one must listen to before dying. While I would have preferred she show her gratification in a different way, I nevertheless learned a lot from her list, which I kept for 2 years before listening to any of the songs.

Aside from the fact that Country, Rock and even Salsa haven't been truly tainted by the auto tune, they are awesome (white word #1) in that they use actual instruments rather than drum machines and Fruity Loops synthesizers. This of course only adds tot he fact that their lyrics are listenable as they do not (usually) speak of utter nonsense. For those of you who think I am pigeonhole-ing or stereotyping I say this. Rap (with the exception of that backpack sh*t) has definitely made a transition from bad to worse. With names like OJ Da Juiceman, Titty Boy, Rick Ross, Uncle Murder,Killa Cam, and the G-spot boys do we really expect to hear anything more coherent than "do the Stanky Leg", "Rich off Cocaine" or "Cookies and Apple Juice?" Do yourself a favor and download (or buy, if you're against that sort of thing) the Beatles 'Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.' Next add a little Rolling Stones 'Beast of Burden.' Top that off with some Queen (No homo), Big & Rich, Guns and Roses, Aerosmith, Fear and Fancy and if you're feeling international, some Rip Slyme. You'll thank yourself, me and my mulatto-ness for it.





4. Shrooms.

While I am not one to advocate drug use, I want to make two things absolutely clear. If you are doing drugs anyway, u might as well do shrooms, and if you think that weed is not a drug, you are retarded. While I have..umm..heard, that shrooming is like being really drunk, only in someone elses body, it also (as a matter of proven fact) causes hallucinations if taken in large quantities. Why black people are afraid of shrooms, when they smoke all types of hallucinogenic , so called 'Piff" or "Kush" laced with all types of embalming fluid, Ajax and crack is something I still do not understand to this day. If weed is from the earth, so are shrooms.


The difference between shrooms and weed (or crack), is that shrooms will get you less time in jail because it's a drug that hasn't been associated with urban communities and or crime. Who am I kidding, a drug is a drug. All drugs are bad, sort of like everything else which feels good. Shrooms, however do have two distinct advantages...1.) No one has ever been accused of committing a violent crime because of shrooms. 2.) If you belong to a race stereotyped as lazy and unpunctual (LATE), why would you want to smoke something which reinforces just that? Unless you are Rastafari, put the holy herb down and reevaluate your situation. Mario and Luigi did magic mushrooms and they turned out fine. Yes, I know they were cartoons, but I'm just saying...




3. Sports other than Basketball, Baseball(sometimes) and Football.




News flash fellas. There are no b***hes in Football, Basketball or Baseball. Baseball teams don't even have f**kin cheerleaders for Christ's sake! Don't take this as a girly man's tirade against sports, as I myself am an avid Philadelphia Eagles fan. Dallas and New York, F**k You.

While these sports are exciting to watch, a brief stay in another country will get you used to the idea of watching other sports which can be quite addicting. A stay in Windsor Ontario got me hooked on amateur hockey (no homo..and not to eclipse my love of amateur porn), while stints in Manchester England put a n**a on to the game of Cricket. Please see below. While I recently found out these pics were airbrushed, the originals were nearly as stunning. See what the f**k you're missing out on?

If you're in it for the bi**hes, Brazilian beach volleyball is where it's at. What more could you ask for? Sexy, Athletic, Brazilian, and in tiny little shorts so you can easily see if she's a Tranny. LOL.


Also...Play golf. It's actually quite fun and once you get old (if you have money), you will have to do it anyway. Hit the driving range and practice your swing. Not only is this act in and of itself relaxing, a black person who can play golf is guaranteed to get an exponential number of white b**ches. If you're into that sort of thing. ;)




Soccer, while boring to watch on TV unless it is during World Cup season, is another sport which when watched in person, will knock your f**ckin socks off like you're trying on sandals. Soccer games are wild! It is like the sports equivalent of the Puertorican parade, minus the women and fat asses (I meant that in a good way). While the crowds may be a bit racist at times, calling darker skinned players monkeys, you will definitely be glad you indulged in the festivities of the debauchery filled arena where players kick the sh*t out of that mulatto ball.


2. Buying a Full Tank of Gas.



Revolutionary idea huh? Going to the Gas station and saying the magical words "filler up." While this act of purchasing more than a quarter tank of Gas at one time is something you may not be accustomed to, it is common practice among our Caucasian brethren. If you are truly black, as my friend Scooch will say, you are probably used to approaching the gas station attendant with an amount of money so minuscule and embarrassing that you simply say, "let me get 'THIS' on pump 6."


I understand you may not always have adequate amounts of surplus cash, but come on...this is a crying shame. Filling up once a week will not only save you time, but will also make your car run better as all of the sludge at the bottom of the tank does not get swished around and drained to the last drop. While I'm ranting about gas, I think it is also applicable to say that all yall n***as with Benzes, Bimers and Acuras better stop tryin to put that cheap as 'Regular' gas in your tank. Right on the gas cap it says "Premium Unleaded Only." We know you can read, because you obviously read the lease for that car which you couldn't afford. At the very least, put in the'Plus' petroleum. And by the way, remember to fill up the tank...You wouldn't buy a quarter shot of Hennessey would you? I thought not. Prioritize ni**a. Prioritize.

1. Sandals. No not the resort...Open toed shoes ni**a.



First things first. I am not advocating that people start dressing like old men or wearing the same open toed, Jay-Z shoes as the African bootleggers. What I am suggesting, however, is that we young black males start wearing sandals, flip-flops or whatever you want to call them, when applicable. Sheeeeit...we wear them in public showers anyway,because our mothers told us we'd catch athletes foot or worse if we didnt.

Case in point. It is not OK to wear Timbs and Nike Uptowns (Air Force 1's) on the beach!!!!!!


Not only do you look foolish, but your feet are undoubtedly hot and funkier than Parliment. Stop it. Timbs and shorts are to be left in 1998...and should have never have even been brought to the beach back then! Even though I have been known to clown people for wearing sandals, when appropriate, they serve an essential purpose. BLACK PEOPLE. LET YOUR FEET BREATHE...This being said, it is also not permissible to wear sandals with socks. No, No, No. In the words of Uncle Joey from Full house...'Cut - It- Out' (insert hand gesture...no homo).



You've officially been briefed. That is all.


Live, Love, Dichotomy


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