Friday, December 18, 2009
White America's Worst Nightmares
Sometimes I just like seeing when white people are nervous: it tickles me. I enjoy watching them squirm a litle, just knowing their own prejudice is drowning them in fear. Albeit fear that prompts action which serves to turn those very tables against me in the court of law, but that's besides the point. The entertainment factor is worth it; those pale bastards were gonna hate regardless, might as well get some joy from it. But what do these nightmares look like? Who keeps Bill O'Reilly up at night? What makes Ann Coulter shiver? Yeah, I'm ranking that too. Hollla at me.
10. Reggie Bush
You're probably thinking, "Reggie Bush? Really?" Well kinda. It probably should've been written with quotes around his name, because it's not Reggie Bush exactly, but it's who/what Reggie Bush represents that puts him on this list. The idea of Reggie Bush, rather. Look at the above photo. It was picked for a reason. He's in business attire. His shape-up is crisp! And most importantly, Kim Kardashian (aka Weird Science for black men, young'ns research the movie) is bent over grinding on him in evening wear. If I'm an old racist white guy, especially a wealthy one, I'm having an aneurism right now. Cuz this is a black man who can't be stopped. He's the cool and popular but also intelligent athlete who went to your daughter's prep school. He's good-looking, athletic, articulate. If his athletic career doesn't pan out, he'll find his way to Wall Street. And worst of all, your daughter wants to f*** him. She might even want to marry him, God forbid, LOL. You can't write him off as a thug or a criminal. How could you? He's had dinner at your house. He's Young, Gifted, and Black. Guess you'll have to discriminate against him in the workplace and attempt to sabotage his future before he gives you hazel-eyed mulatto babies.
9. Soulja Boy Tell EmHere's the guy making the music playing while Reggie Bush dances with your daughter. He's making super-catchy music, and his target audience wears braces. Dude is only like 19-20 his damn self, don't forget. Soulja Boy, contrary to popular belief, isn't Black America's Nightmare, he's White America's Nightmare. Why? He's a self-made millionaire, an entrepeneur, producer and MC (that last title is questionable, yes.) Most importantly, he's taken the thug mystique and made it non-alcoholic. His Kidz Bop-friendly tunes have middle-schoolers all over the country hopping out of the bed, turning their swag on before they go to school so that after the closing bell rings they can go home and kiss each other through the phone. And that's why the new generation's Master P is the #9 Caucasian Nightmare. He's a gateway drug of sorts for the next guy on the list.
8. 50 CentLook at this nigga! Getting smooches from the wealthiest whore with no redeeming qualities in the free world. He's almost a combo of the first two. Thugged out persona, catchy tunes, swoll up and always taking his shirt off, makes little white girls go nuts all over the world. Fif is a shrewd businessman too, don't get it twisted. And a marketing genius. In other words, a smart thug. I think Bill O'Reilly just threw up in Oprah's mouth.
7. EminemHe's easily one of the best lyricists ever...and he's white. Think they'd be proud, right? WRONG!!! WRONG!!! He's druggie white trash, and that's no good for the image. On top of that, he attacks the teeny-bop pop princesses the masses are taught to worship. And he's homophobic! And worst of all, he gives props to all his negro collaborators. Little Eric looks just like him. And wants to be him. For shaaaaaaame!
6. Tiger WoodsYou see that smile? Is it the "I just fucked a blond pornstar" smile, or is it the "I just fucked two blonde lingerie models" smile? Or is it the "I just did both of those things today and I STILL get to go home to my hot blonde Swedish model wife whose womb I have fertilized with fruitful seed" smile? Well, not in the last month it isn't. But it's still the smile of the recently crowned, "Athlete of the Decade," a title he earned while UBER-DOMINATING GOLF, the ultimate white man's sport. Forever tainted with a 4-piece wings with pork fried rice flavor, smearing the fairways with Asian and Negro blood. And then fucking pornstars and lingerie models before returning to his supermodel Swedish wife. Without the scandal breaking and the subsequent humbling, he's way higher on this list.
5. Lil WayneTwo reasons Weezy ranks at this spot. He beats the other entertainers on the list because he is a black ROCK STAR, straight up. The hair, the tattoos, the swag, no homo, this nigga is crushing the game, and white chicks from the pre-pubescent to the post-menopausal are rocking his shit. Also would rank higher if the man didn't already catch up with him and send him to jail for a year, starting Feb 9, 2010. Hold ya head, son.
4. MTV's Jersey ShoreI thought we'd never get reparations. But this pure guidooonery is reparations enough for Flavor of Love. Domino's pulling ads, Italian-Americans bitchin and moaning. Y'all ain't say shit while a nigga in a viking helmet and a fucking clock around his neck single-handedly set back the black race 40 years by spawning a seemingly never-ending franchise. Well the tables have turned. How's it taste, muthafucka?! (Sam Jackson voice) I was so happy a white man punched Snooki in the face, cuz if it were a black guy (God knows what he'd be doing there) we'd NEVER hear the end of it. I'm TiVo-ing this whole season, bitches.
3. Justice Sonia SotomayorLou Dobbs shits his pants daily. Daily. Because a Latina is sitting on the highest court in the land, and he's so scared that his bowels have gained a mind of their own, wondering when she'll persuade the court to open the borders to her Mexican hermanos (yes I know she's not Mexican) and they'll take over the USA with their hard work for no pay attitude. Feliz Navidad, Maricon!
2. Kimbo SliceThis nigga is MY worst nightmare. Do you SEE this muthafucka? This is what all white people wake up screaming about. That this vicious ass-whooping machine (youtube him if you don't know) will break into their homes and murder them with his fists, after raping their wives and daughters...and husbands. I shit myself twice just uploading this picture, and I'm black. Damn. Dat's a baaaaaaaad mutha-SHUT-YO-MOUF! I'm just talkin' bout Kimbo.
1. Barack ObamaYes We Can! We in the White House. Need I say more? I think so. Here's the thing about President Obama (which still just feels good to say, right?). Unlike his boy Tiger, this man IS squeaky clean. So clean, so beloved the world over (except maybe in China, Russia and Iran), so smart, so not George Bush, so gives a shit about the world. If there was ANY dirt on him, it would've been found by now. It hasn't, and it won't, cuz it ain't there. God bless him.
Long Live Obama!
-C4 2 Ya Door at the Jersey Shore with Kimbo bumping "Turn My Swag On"