Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tiger on the Back 9.....or 11

Yeah, I know, last week we went over the whole Tiger Woods scandal, but sooooo much more has come to light since last Tuesday! I must admit that I incorrectly hypothesized as to the ethnic makeup of the Tiger mistress (or that there was just one). The one in question was neither black nor pepperican. But I was definitely right about the blackness of one Tiger Woods. And this is why. His image was so squeaky clean, like socks to the draws clean, for more than a decade of professional golf. We all thought he was immune to the plight of the black celebrity.

WRONG! WRONG! We talkin' bout Tiger Woods here. This nigga done found out the hard way, like Michael Jackson and OJ "Guilty" Simpson before him, that the closer white America seems to hold you to their hearts, the faster and more viciously they will disown you and shit all over your legacy. I mean, let's think about this. One incident happens. He crashes his car. People SPECULATE that he's doing dirt, based on the time of the night that it occurred. SPECULATE. That's all. He wasn't caught with some tranny prostitute like Eddie Murphy, or knock up some videographer like John Edwards. The incident itself seemed so harmless at first. He wasn't CAUGHT in the act of ANYTHING. But from the seed of pure unadulterated speculation has flowered a sprawling vine bearing the fruit of not one, two, or even three mistresses, but ELEVEN. Every single person who Tiger f****d while married has been discovered and brought directly to the public. So what do we do about that here at NappyHeadedBros? Do we spark a detailed and impassioned discussion about race relations and the role of the celebrity? The right to privacy of public figures, especially those of color in comparison with their white counterparts?

Fuck no. I'm ranking these hoes from top to bottom bitch (pun intended). Have you read this blog? We're categorizing these hoes, baby! Let the games begin, shall we? MWAHAHAHAHA!

C4 Presents: The Tigresses

Tiger Woods mistresses are popping up like whack-a-moles right now! Bitches are rising from the dead to claim they f****d Tiger. Like, if someone read Anna Nicole Smith's will right now, at the bottom it just might say, "And oh yeah, I boned Tiger Woods." Of course that wouldn't happen though, but not because she's dead. She's too thick! You see these hoes Tiger is knocking off? (Yes they are hoes, right on down to the making a living on sex for money in a couple of cases, which we'll peep shortly). The M.O. is skinny and blonde, aka The White American Dream (*cue Star-Spangled Banner). The facts are provided courtesy of The Daily Mail, a UK tabloid. The rest is all Blog Killah.

1.) Rachel Uchitel. The club hostess was the first of the women to be linked to Woods after the National Enquirer reported that she traveled to Australia to be with Woods during a golf tournament there. So far, she has denied the affair. This chick has gotta be the bottom bitch, aka the #1 stunna. Why? She don't snitch, son. F*** her looks, which are more than decent: pouty lips, nicely-sized and probably surgically enhanced boobs, and she's the NYC club promoter in the bunch. Although she has verbally kept her lips sealed, emails have surfaced in which Tiger was straight boo loving, talking about:

"I know it's brutal on you that you can't be with me all the time. I get it. It f***ing kills me, too. I finally found someone I connect with, someone I have never found like this. Not even at home. You want someone to witness your life. I want you to lay next to me, lay on me or where ever you want to lay. F***. Why didn't we find each other years ago. We wouldn't be having this conversation." - Tiger
Now while he's ENTIRELY violating the G-code, he's also establishing her as a viable mistress, as opposed to the jumpoff that many of these girls are. Rachel wins.

2.) Kalika Moquin. The 27-year-old club manager from Las Vegas is reported to have had a brief sexual relationship with Woods. She would neither confirm nor deny the report. Darkest hair in the bunch, and her big titties might just be real. The most unique of the bunch knows that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, kinda. "Won't confirm or deny" basically translates to "yeah I boned him but you gets no details." Ultimately her business probably booms behind her tight lip and increased aura/swagger.


THE FAME WHORES
1.) Jamie Grubbs. The 24-year-old reality show contestant and cocktail waitress claims she carried on a 31-month-long affair with Woods until his crash last month. She offered a Woods voicemail to prove it. She's a fame whore, plain and simple. This chick was on VH1's Tool Academy, meaning she has a propensity for douche bags and she's not ashamed to admit it, so long as she gets on TV. She was the first of the Tigresses to come out and throw him under the bus. For this she fails and will continue to do so until her toto is too dry for anyone's satisfaction. YUCK. (my nigga Tiger wore dat ass out tho, HOLLA!)

2.) Mindy Lawton.
Bitch you look like Elvira!

The 33-year-old pancake house waitress from Orlando claims she was dumped by Woods in 2007. According to the Post, it was her affair with Woods that was caught on camera by the National Enquirer, when he was snapped dropping her off at her trailer park. The threatening news later led to a Woods Men’s Fitness cover in exchange for the magazine’s silence about the alleged affair, the New York Post reports. This bird is a straight parakeet!!! She won't stop singing! Intimate details. Tiger is well-endowed she says. He has a crazy sex drive, she says. He dropped her off at the trailer park, sometimes hit it in the lot after working at her $8/hr waitress job she says. She's got no reason to live except to tell this story, I say. Cuz shorty is eating up this press like it's Sunday at Old Country Buffet. If this were the mafia, she gets the straight Joe Pesci empty room from Goodfellas. She would sell Col. Sanders' special recipe if you let her. This clearly makes her the runt of the pack, nevermind the fact that her looks are AA ball to the major league hoes Tiger was rounding the bases with. EPIC FAIL!
How he probably met her.

THE MODELS: NO RUNWAY, PLEASE.
1.) Jamie Jungers. The 26-year-old, who sold her story to a British newspaper, is a former employee of Trashy Girls Lingerie. She said she met Woods in Las Vegas.
This bitch hasn't spoken. Yet. Because she's still waiting on her lawyer selling the story to the British tabloids. She wack for that son. But she's got a sleek ass body that looks pretty soft, and she's clearly prettier than Cori. Might be a snitch, but it's like mayo on a cheesesteak. It's already full of fat, so f*** it. She loses though because she was engaged to a dude who knew she was seeing Tiger, and ouch for that guy. Ah well. Kick Rocks.

2.) Cori Rist. The 31-year-old swimsuit model reportedly met Woods at a Manhattan club last year before they began a sexual relationship that led to Woods flying her out to various secret locations for hook-ups, and her introducing the golfer to her 7-year-old son.
Another tryst that began in Vegas. She did make the cover of the Post from the top of the page, and looks alright there. This pic tho? This pic right herrrre?! Yikes.


THE PORNSTARS!
That's right son! He hits off the working girls, who clearly know their way around the penis. Of course I had to do my due diligence and view their body of work, so to speak, and now that I've cleaned off the keyboard I can give you my informed opinion.

1.) Holly Sampson. The 36-year-old from Los Angeles is a former porn star, who has starred in such films as “OMG, Stop Tickling Me” and “Flying Solo 2.” According to the Sun, she has neither confirmed nor denied her affair with Woods.
She also has natural breasts, "brain" like she studied at Cambridge, and a very nice figure for her age. I fully support this one, T-Dub. She takes the overall title in my book.


2.) Joslyn James. The star of many, many porn videos was named on the sports blog Deadspin.com as a Tiger regular, but did not respond to the site's call for comment.
Her skills in the sack are pretty good, but she's rail-thin and her fake boobs sit on her chest like bowling balls velcro'd to a 2 X 4. It's gross to look at, they don't move. Those things can't possibly make you happy, Tiger. She does enjoy wearing the skeet-mask, though. Slalom, anyone?


THE WILD CARDS (listed in order of when their existence came to light in relation to the whole group)
1.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 8.
A former cocktail waitress from Orlando, Fla. does not want to reveal her identity yet, according to her attorney Michael O’Quinn. But this she has said: at the time the affair allegedly began, she was 20 years old and met Woods at the Roxy in Orlando, where she was a VIP server.

2.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 9 is reported to be a “sexy” British TV presenter who was single at the time, but is now married.

3.) Unidentified Alleged Mistress No. 10. is reported in a UK paper to be a “sex-addicted cougar.”

There you have it, folks. Not a phat ass or curly hair in sight. See? Told you he was a black celebrity. Jack Johnson would be proud.

C4 2 Ya Door with some blonde-haired whores.

Ya Dig?

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