Sunday, December 13, 2009

Social Politics: The Height Threshold


You ever walk down a crowded street and see some random guy head and shoulders above the crowd and think, "Damn, he tall as shit. Gotta be hard to fit through doors looking like that. Or kiss girls. He must not get no bitches." Or have you seen some dude and thought, "Is he a midget? Or is he just really short? Cuz he's short as f***. He must not get no bitches." Well there's a reason for this. I guarantee you that these thoughts are only evoked when viewing a specific height of man, whose unique stature inspires such thoughts on either side of the spectrum. Today we explore this phenomenon, as...


C4 Presents: The Height Threshold

Based on pure height, the vast majority of us fall under what is generally accepted to be "normal," even within the relative descriptions of short, tall and average. What I'm dealing with today are those people who, the moment you see them, you notice something about their height. My moderately thorough and vigorously half-assed wikipedia research has combined with my own social experiences and prejudices to bring you this surprisingly accurate as far as I'm concerned dammit study. Let's start with the folks nobody loves and have no reason to live, at least according to that song by Randy Newman:

Short People
Men: 5'4" and under

"Why 5'4", C4?" I'm about to tell you, you impatient bastard, slow your roll. Because that's the point at which one crosses over from being a short guy, to being a "damn he's short!" guy. The average man is about Royce height (da 5'9" {or 5'10"}). Not sure what it it is, but when you see a guy who's 5'5" or 5'6", he's a seen as short but it's like whatever. He blends in. 5'4" guy doesn't. Why doesn't the 5'4" guy blend in?

Because the average woman is 5'4" and now he's crossing into the realm of being a woman's height, and perhaps more importantly, her "size." At 5'4" a man is even more likely to have a smaller frame than someone a couple inches taller. Like, you can look abnormally short at 5'5 or 5'6" if you're dumb skinny, because now you just look like a bitch and you should never ever ever ever commit a crime because when you go to jail your new name is gonna be Penelope Cruz.

Sexy frame. Unless you're a dude.

Your friendly neighborhood Blog Killah is only 5'7" himself, standing up entirely straight. I'm relatively short, but if a chick is taller than me, she's a tall woman. She's tall enough to model (5'7" is the lady model generally accepted minimum.) Her height is an occupational advantage more than a social one. I also have kind of a stocky frame, so at my height I still take up space. I can still cradle a chick in my arms and display protective abilities, whilst I attempt to put dis dick on her (assuming she's not uber-wide, then I have to refer her to Show Rocka, LOL. J/K, kinda.) That angle's a little harder to pull off if I can fit her jeans, no? Pause. If somehow the Lord blessed you with a ginormous wang, however, it looks even huger, cuz your frame is tiny. We Are Marshall. The other distinct advantage is being at breast height for tall women. You can never be faulted for staring at their racks, cuz it's your natural eye level. Everybody wins!!!!

Women: 5'0 and under

Here's where a chick goes from being "petite" to "tiny," from "look at that little thang," to "I might break her." Thing is, for women, not a terrible disadvantage as most men prefer their women to be short than them. It's more akin to tall men than it is to short men, socially speaking. But as she inches closer and closer to midget status (sexy or not) then certain things become harder for them. The obvious: reaching for things, making out with tall guys, being able to command authority in a room, etc. (SIDEBAR ALERT)

But what if there was a prostitution agency or escort service that only hired sexy midgets to give you head while they were standing and you were also standing. You're brushing your teeth, she's miming that action on your schlong, you're in the kitchen looking for peanut butter, she's encouraging you to produce mayonnaise. It would be AWESOME! And don't you dare steal my idea, dear reader, or I will find you. This blog entry has a time stamp so just remember that, sucka!" But for real, this would be great for these little hoes. No knee trouble ever. They could probably blow you while you're sitting on the couch and STILL not sit down. I guess that's the one rule: they never get to sit down...or you get your money back. Chuuuuuuuch!


Tall Men: 6'5" and up

You guys are tall as f***. Like, you just look crazy a little bit. 6'4" for some reason doesn't, and that's probably because there are plenty of dudes 6'2" with whom they can compare. It's relative. 6'6" looks considerably less crazy than 6'9" aka the Life Threshold (getting to that). I feel like at 6'5" if you didn't play ANY sport at the very least the varsity level, that is curious. You may be wasting your God-given talents. Your height can still be advantage though. Chicks assume you got a big dick, proportionally speaking. Of course if you have a small dick you are now an EPIC FAIL, due to how small it looks compared to your frame. This is known in the scientific community as the Anti-Pringle.

Brian Scalabrine, aka the Jackie Robinson of doofy white dudes in the modern NBA

If you get to 6'9" and you can't play in the NBA then you serve no purpose in this world. Unless you swim or play volleyball professionally. If you pitch in the majors then you get a pass, but otherwise, USELESS. I'm not saying kill yourself cuz suicide is never the answer (MESSAGE!) but just do me a favor and take your lazy ass to the gym and learn how to box out. Ya bum. You already can't talk to normal people and not be awkward, and you can't fit in door frames, stand up straight on the subway, I mean, c'mon bro. Help yourself out. At least the short guys can go places. Your feet belong in sneakers, your environment involves a court or a pool. Get it together, beanstalk!

Tall Women: 6'0" +

Here's where the women get the short end of the stick, ironically. Cuz most dudes don't like to get with women this tall. Men of all heights are intimidated by these women. They make a lot of us feel insecure. Your boy is by no means one of these dudes. I love mountain-climbing, it's my favorite extreme sport only when used as a metaphor for tall women. Keep me the f*** away from actual mountains. But I digress. At this height, wearing heels often becomes awkward, you're WAY taller than most of your homegirls (unless you only run with other amazonians), and like the short dudes, you have now crossed into the threshold of the average man, or even the above average height man. In heels, you're a tall man. Now that's okay with me, because I personally rest at boob height. And in fact, really tall chicks give short dudes play than kind of tall chicks, just for entertaining the thought of being with their big asses. Think about it. You're 5'6" and some chick is 5'7", she plays you for your 6ft homeboy. Her 6ft homegirl is standing off to the side feeling lonely, albeit long-legged. You walk right on up, look her straight in the boobs and say, "Wasup." Who wins? EVERYBODY WINS!

Rumble, young man, rumble.

5'4"?
6'4"?

C4


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lmao.

Rock said...

Viva las Midgets!! I believe the actual word in spanish is anillas or something, but don't quote me on that.