Thursday, January 7, 2010
The People's Champs:The Kardashian Sisters
Rarely if ever is there a woman who appeals to a audience of men who would universally and unequivocally give three thumbs up (figuratively of course. If you're working with a "thumb," I highly suggest you start exclusively dating Asians and midgets....and Asian midgets...but I digress.)
Even more rarely is there an entire family of women who, in their own way, appeal to three distinct sides of the black man's fantasies. I was originally gonna go with the idea that they cumulatively appeal to all men, but I realize that this theory excludes Tiger Woods' optimal hoes, guys who love redheads, and guys who only date Asian midgets because their penises are the size of a thumb.
Hence, revision, which after further thought, is more accurate. And even when it comes to black guys there are families of chicks who have tried and failed to appeal fully. The Braxtons have Toni, but her "sisters" leave a little to be desired.
Enter the Kardashians. Little rich bitches who live superficial lives that Bruce Jenner continues to front the bill for, and somehow manage to keep black dicks at attention all over the world. Pause.
Now press play.
Kim Kardashian: The Black Man's Weird Science
Imagine an afro-rocking genius in a lab creating the perfect woman. Like if Dr. Ben Carson started sipping lean. Dr. Carson F Baby would have his little checklist for his perfect woman:
*Ass = plump + bubbly + firm yet bouncy
*Breasts = fairly big + firm + bouncy + not over-powering
*Lips = full + pouty
*Eyes = smoky + come-hither
*Body = KLAH-KOW!
*Hair = "Good"
Add a little egg and cinnamon, olive for the skin, and Ta-Da!
Then the Mad Negro Scientist stuck all that on a 5'2" frame for the coup de grace. Gangsta.
Kourtney Kardashian: The Black Man's Forbidden Fruit
She's like the version of Kim that white boys would admit to fawning over prior to 1999 when J-Lo became the Jackie Robinson of thickness. Kourtney, the oldest, most cocktail party-ready of the three sisters, is what white America calls a "classic beauty." And white America for once is right. Kourtney is pretty. Straight up. She's got no pornstar body or outstanding physical atributes, butthe total package is very desirable. She's the gold-medalist decathlete of sexy. She's probably Bruce Jenner's favorite.
But note how many times I've said white in the previous paragraph alone. Sense a theme? Kourtney's the hot slutty sorority chick you had to take a photo of or else none of your boys would believe that you banged her. You met her at a party and she might have been drunk but also high on coke, and her preference is the preppy white boy. She even likes making out with chicks. AND she supports some loser pretty boy who knocked her up. Sugar mama? Can't get no whiter!
This is the only Kardashian Tiger would even THINK about boning. We know what he's about and what he's into, to quote WJA3. She's brunette though, making her ever so slightly more accessible to the black guy who only dates white chicks because he shuns all things related to black women for whatever reason who gives a shit run on sentence.
Khloe Kardashian: The Black Man's Guilty Pleasure
And by guilty pleasure I mean "chubby white woman." We all got boys who only f*** with the fatty white jawns, and if you don't, then you're him. 5'10" and full of plump pleasure, Khloe appeals to amazon-lovers and chubby chasers alike. Like her sister Kim, she seems to only f*** with black dudes, ballers of some sort, even ultimately snagging Lamar Odom, who's just tall enough to make her look normal by comparison. Baby Kardashian is also improving, dropping some baby fat since being on TV. Exhibit A:
Granted, she could still star in porn that Showrocka decided to quit watching over the summer, and she's not nearly as hot as her older sisters, but she makes up for it (KINDA) with effort, attitude, and a very loyal niche audience. Stay classy, San Diego.
There they are, folks. Negro knuckle children the world over, kourtesy of Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian.
-C4 2 Ya Door