As I sit back, relax, re-hydrate from last night, think about the silly stories that I wanna write, I recall this:
So I'm sitting at home over Thanksgiving weekend, discussing and debating the merits of one Gucci Mane with my cousin Adam, who is a 6ft-tall lanky 12 year-old. During our healthy debate in which he expresses concern for me not being 100% behind this coon and his music, I concede that the dude is oooookaaaaaay. He's entertaining, and he's hot right now. Don't believe me? Turn on your radio and find this clown on everybody's song, especially R&B heads: Usher, Mario, Trey Songz, Mariah Carey! Was Young Jeezy on vacation? Is everybody like, "Hey, I need a half-rapping-ass southern dude on my track to nigger it up (yeah I said it!) just enough for uneducated minorities to cosign my shit and give me street cred. AND Young Jeezy is on vacation (ha-HA!). Oh what ever are we going to do?!"
*Cue Superman music*
It's a bird! It's a plane!
But I digress. As I'm conceding the tacit acceptability of living in what is quickly becoming GucciAmerica, I rationalize it by saying to Adam that Gucci's basically the new ODB...funny, entertaining, a buffoon, but can rap if you really listen (I swear!). I figure I'm throwing the young scrap a bone here, not shitting on all his heroes. I already sonned Drake in his presence and disspelled the myth that Weezy is the best rapper on the planet, let him have Gucci, right?
WRONG. WRONG. This lil nigga asks me, "Who's Ol' Dirty Bastard?" *gasp!* After several follow-up questions I gather that yes he has heard of the Wu-Tang Clan and can recognize Method Man and Ghostface, but doesn't know most of the members. I bury my urge to simultaneously weep for all ghetto yout (yes the T is missing on purpose) and throttle him, and instead use this as a teachable moment. He was born in 1997, when the "Triumph" video was already on the airwaves. The OLDEST rap hit he remembers hearing when it came out is "In Da Club."
So we go Youtube, "Brooklyn Zoo." I explain that back in the day, rappers were cool for being hard, not wearing jewelry, being live, being "real." I cut the video short though because I realize the lack of pop appeal of that song, especially to a 12-year-old of today, whose attention span is markedly shorter than 12-y/o's when I was 12. So I go to "Shimmy Shimmy Ya," a great, catchy, accurate representation of the late great Osiris. (I would've gone with "Got Your Money" but Dirty ain't even in that video, and it's the second album)
"This is wack. Gucci Mane is way better than this guy."
After that the details are fuzzy. I must've blacked out, cuz all I remember is opening my eyes and Adam was on the floor, bruised, bloody, crying and twitching. And I kept yelling, "Shaaaaame on the Nuh!"
Sike! Nah I wouldn't do that to the young dude. But I was taken aback indeed. On the one hand I wanna dismiss it as a boy's mistake seeing how he lacks the whole cultural reference to make a legitimate comparison. But let's just play devil's advocate for a second. What if it's true? Naaaaaaah! That didn't even feel right on the keyboard, son.
Fuck it tho!
Let's look at the tale of the tape. In ODB's corner we have:
1. Essential and standout member of illest conglomerate of MCs ever assembled
2. Ignorantly hilarious dude. Took MTV in the limo to the welfare office to get his check.
3. Snatched the mic at the Grammy's and reminded everyone that "Puffy is good, but Wu-Tang is for da children."
4. Got burnt by gonorrhea two times, admittedly.
5. 7 kids.
6. In and out of jail, that last stint was the death of him.
7. Inspired this.
In the corner for Gucci Mane we have:
1. Loyal underground following from back in the day in the south and midwest
2. Current pop appeal, seemingly the it-boy for all guest appearances
3. Beat a murder beef a few years ago, so gangsta points for that.
4. Arrested several times since then, and was sentenced to 12 months in prison on November 12, 2009 for a year for violation of his probation.
5. Has alerted us to the merits of being Icey, what to do with Very Freaky Girls, and the bus-like schedule of women.
6. Party Party Party Let's All Get Wasted.
7. Has more nut ass chains than anyone not named T-Pain.
2nd Round TKO.
The winner, and still Most Lovable Coon Of All Time...
C4 2 Ya Door, cuz oooh baby I like it raaaaaaaaaaaw!!!!! Huh!