Monday, December 21, 2009

Monkeys, White Babies, and Cats: Oh My!

You teach a monkey Tae Kwon Do and what happens? He turns around and kicks you in the f***in head. Noww don't you feel like a dickhead. Yeah. You should. Oh you don't believe me? This is directly from the London Telegraph:

Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province.

But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head.

Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film."

At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head.

He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off.

Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for their nasty attack."

I feel like it's safe to say that shit writes itself, I don't need to add too much analysis. Time and time again, people try to befriend monkeys and chimps and orangutans, treat em like people and shit, and what happens? They rip your face off (we need not revisit the Chimp Lady photos post on this very blog about a month ago). They kick you in the head and proceed to whoop yo ass like the Triads.

Why does this happen, though? What about the primate population make them so volatile? And untrustworthy?

To quote my man from the movie, "Congo," (ironically another "primates out of control" tale) "They're smart. They're too damn smart."

As the next step down on the evolutionary chart, primates: monkeys, chimpanzees, apes, orangutans, gorillas, mandrills, humans who appear on reality television, are the next smartest creatures walking the face of the earth (at least until the Great Dolphin Uprising enslaves us all {some of you remember that Simpsons episode}).

However, they still are meant to swing through trees and crack open their food to eat it, leaving even the smaller primates with more strength than your average big angry retard on steroids.

Congratulations, you're going to hell. Cuz I know you laughed.

Google image search "retard strength" and this shows up. Coincidence? I think not.

The end result is that you're left with an animal smart enough to learn fairly advanced concepts, but also strong enough that you can't corral them once they've been bestowed with these new skills. The combined strength, smarts, and lack of monkey morals is a recipe for mayhem.

White people and Asians, STOP TRAINING THESE MONKEYS! STOP ADOPTING THESE MONKEYS! They will destroy us all! We're gonna have to hire some robots to handle these monkeys, cuz humans are losing right now. It'll be something like Planet of the Apes Vs. The Matrix. The twist at the end is that they become friends and just enslave humans, but the dolphins come to our rescue, leading to the first ever land-sea coalition of mammals. Go ahead. Steal my idea. I'll sue your ass.

SIDEBAR ALERT! White people will adopt Asian kids, African kids, and monkeys, but inner city American black kids can't get adopted. No love. WTF?! And don't think I forgot about you, DeMarcus Ware! You and your black wife adopting a white baby and raising it. Why? I mean, adoption is great, adopt any baby you want. But f*** that, nigga! Little baby white girls get adopted faster than anybody. Ask Lionel Richie. And look at Nicole (I know she's mixed, but she's rich and has blonde hair so why slice garlic). Exactly. Is that what you want? You don't impress me, DeMarcus Ware. You wanna impress me, ya rich country bastard, adopt an 11-year-old black boy. Until then, EAT A DICK. No homo.

C'mon, son. C'mon son. (Ed Lover voice)

Are dogs and cats not good enough anymore? You need to love animals with opposable thumbs covered in hair? Teach them your secrets and watch them end you? F*** that son. Y'all need to do things like gangs and the mob. Loyalty over everything. Primates are disloyal sons of bitches. By the loyalty model, dogs are the clear #1. Cats come in at #2 because while they don't show as much love, they cover their own poop (except Geneva in Santa Monica, who gets a pass for rocking a NappyHeadedBros polo, even though she didn't hold for the pose with the logo.)

F*** monkeys. Not literally.



Anonymous said...

LOL at the cat in the shirt you fool.

Anonymous said...

"White people will adopt Asian kids, African kids, and monkeys, but inner city American black kids can't get adopted."

thats cuz asians, africans, and monkeys wont rob them at gunpoint ow owwwwwwwwwww lol